Disclaimer: Do you know the muffin man? Well, I promised not to say anything but since you're about to sue, he gave me the characters for my birthday… I was going to give them back, but how's that for ungrateful?
Time: it's well after the end of BtVS and after OotP in HP. Any inconsistencies PLEASE let me know. I'm a die hard HP fan but only familiar with the BtVS series mostly by way of fan fictions cringes…
Warning: Will have slash...! Eventually…
Chapter 1: Simply being fed-up…
Speaking perhaps had not been the best idea since it had woken the bird up. Getting involved in a staring contest with the owl (they really don't blink!), not that smart either. If you happened to consider that he was in a room he didn't know, while he had no idea where (or even when) he was, it was perhaps even less so taking into account that he had more pressing things to do. I.e., he had never gotten around to that shower he waxed poetic about and the aches had become dull throbs in the back of his mind, acting up whenever they felt like it (for example whenever he breathed!).
So, losing to the bird who he could have sworn smirked and hooted in triumph, he decided to branch out and investigate outside the room. Closing the window (threadbare clothes plus cold night air equal hypothermia, and not of the good) he grabbed a small knife from the desk and lightly stepped towards the door. He may have appeared in an alternate universe or something but that didn't mean they weren't out to get him.
Quietly he opened the door and slipped out. He could feel the bird's eyes following him all the way. Turning to look at it he barely resisted the urge to signal it for silence. As if the bird could understand him! Shaking his head slightly wondering idly if one could actually shake madness out, he made his way quietly towards the nearest door. Pushing it open softly he peeked inside, still marveling at the fact that he had his eye back and wouldn't have to move his head around to get a good look at the entire room. Amazing what one could do with two eyes, huh.
It was a bedroom of what appeared to be a couple, both of which were sleeping in the large bed in the middle of the room. There were two mounds, a disgustingly large one and a rather smaller one. He shuddered involuntarily and after verifying that they were sleeping quickly took his head from the door and closed it.
Another room turned out to be an empty guest room, in quite better condition than the room he himself had wound up in. After the rather cursory look he closed the door and moved on.
The next door turned out to be the bathroom and he decided to continue his investigation later. He was still rather confused and his aches weren't getting any better. He needed a shower and he needed one now. Otherwise he'd be of no use even if there was a confrontation. Still, he looked the closed door behind him. It wouldn't hold if any ugly nasty or even a bad tempered slayer came after him, but it would at least buy him some seconds to cover himself up. Gotta keep the dignity intact… or at least what was left of it… if there was any…
So, a shower… just as soon as he figured out what to do with the kid that was already in the bathroom. The kid looked like he was maybe twelve, though his very wide green eyes almost covered by a mop of black hair seemed to look at least a couple years older than that. He blinked a couple of times and smiled winningly trying to buy some time to think what to say. The kid blinked as well and gave a weird looking grimace looking like a deer caught in headlights. Damn.
"Look kid, uh…" he said softly, trying not to scare him. The kid started talking at the same time… well, his lips moved but no sound came out. Huh? The kid frowned and cocked his head to the side. How odd that the kid looked so small but was looking straight into his eyes. His hand moved on it's own to pat down his hair, a nervous gesture he didn't remember having and that made him he glare at his hand accusingly. His very young, not-at-all-scarred, five-digit hand. Huh…perhaps the time-travel theory wasn't so far-fetched?
Starring at his far-too-young hands for quite a while he suddenly remembered the kid and looked up to see where he'd gone, to find him in the exact same place just staring at him with his hands splayed in front of him. Blinking he realized there was another door behind the kid and it was locked as well. Not only that, but there seemed to be some sort of window between him and the kid…
Oh…. Oh, now he just felt stupid! A mirror! Perhaps whatever mojo had given him an extra eye had screwed with his brain more than he had thought considering how long it had taken him to realize that tidbit of information. Wait! So then the kid…
"Damn it, Xander, what did you get yourself into this time!" and with that, whatever leftover magic had been fuelling him ran out and he promptly passed out on the floor.
It had taken getting used to, being in a body not his own. But considering he was alive and no-one was after him, it barely rated a 5 in his Hellmouthy scale of weirdness and was quickly taken into stride.
In fact, if it weren't for the obesity of the man, the skinniness of the woman, the fact that there was another teenager and that they all spoke Giles (meaning they were British) he'd think that he had actually traveled back home to when he was a kid.
So with the situation in general being so familiar, he simply had to get used to himself. That everything was so… small! He looked like a Munchkin he was so young and scrawny and underfed!!
The thought made him scowl. Just because he had a shitty childhood and could take it didn't mean anybody else had to as well. And even less that he had to stand for it a second time! After being screamed around all day and doing chores all around the house, he was allowed to retreat to the room he'd woken up in where he took special note of the locks outside the door, and the cat-flap near the floor. Now, he'd cleaned the whole house, and hadn't seen any cat, let alone even one cat-hair. And considering how anal that woman seemed about cleanliness, he doubted she would approve of a cat anyway! So if the flap wasn't for any pet…
Just as much as he refused to jump to conclusions, which was the only reason he didn't call Child Services, he refused to stay and take any sort of crap from anyone, so once in the room he took a bag and started throwing anything useful he could find in it. Taking a bag of very large golden coins (point for alternate universe) and several changes of clothes and three or four books (who knew what a bit of research mode would uncover) he crammed it all into the bag. He also found what seemed like a fancy stake with a bit of a dull point which he stashed into his pocket. He could always sharpen it later.
Curiosity getting the better of him he finished riffling through the chest at the foot of the bed and found…
"Jackpot!" he smiled happily. At least one thing became easier. With the amount and diversity of the herbs… and other icky stuff he'd just found, he could easily cast the one singular spell he knew, and that he made sure all his slayers knew: the Hide Me spell. Well, ok it wasn't really called that and was more a small ritual and a weird chant, but it translated quite loosely to 'hide me' and he was sticking to it.
Packing a couple more herbs in case he needed to repeat the Hide Me spell at some other point (it only lasted 2 hours). He burned and chanted and poof! No unnaturally fat or skinny people would see him scampering away, and no neighbors would suddenly wonder why that kid was leaving home so late. At least not until he was sure no-one should recognize him.
Spell done and things packed he turned to leave when he was stopped by what could only be interpreted as an indignant squawk. The bird. Of course, since he had done the ritual with the bird in the room it was included in the spell therefore it didn't really apply to it…
"Look, Bird…" another squawk. "Fine! Owl! I'm leaving and since it seems you don't like this place any more than I do, I'll get you out too… ok?" Simply the fact that he was actually talking to the bird like it understood, made his Hellmouthy senses squeak. Or perhaps it was the left-over of any common sense he had stashed in there.
The owl turned to look at him straight in the eyes as if considering the proposition and hooted in a way he chose to think of as agreement. So he opened the window and cautiously made his way towards the cage. No sense in scaring the thing into biting him! Carefully he opened the cage… and cleared the way as quick as he could.
It stared at him unblinkingly, as if wondering if he had gone insane. It hooted softly and slowly started moving closer and closer to him.
"No! You have to leave out the window! Window!" he hissed signaling madly towards the opening. Owl kept coming closer. "Window! Open! Freedom! Got it?!" he pleaded as much as he could while still moving backwards towards the door. Damn it, he was going to be pecked to death! Unless… yes! The doorknob was in his grasp! Quickly he turned it and scampered out as fast as his short scrawny legs could take him.
Out the door, out the house, he didn't stop till the end of the street where he collapsed out of breath.
After a few seconds, making sure nothing was left behind in his rush to escape certain death ('the thing was ten-feet tall! With a serrated beak and shot laser-beams out of its eyes! Honest!') while he got his wind back, he believed he was finally ready to begin his journey to… huh, that's funny, he was sure he had stopped being stupid enough as to leave without thinking where to head to next! Damn it!
Typical! It was Hellmouth worthy in its irony! After all those years honing his skills and abilities and all that hard-won experience… just throw him in a teenage body and watch how he makes an idiot of himself! Bound to get himself killed! He became a planer, a warrior, hell, a general in his own right! He managed to make a name for himself in the underworld even! And now he was the teenaged kid in the alternate universe about to get himself killed by his very own idiocy...! Unless he was pecked to death by a mutated homicidal owl! (Hey! That was his story and he was sticking to it!)
Ok… deep breaths! Think Xander! You're in an unknown place reached by unknown means, so that means that someone is most likely out to get you… hmmm, so no contacting allies or anything until the situation is clearer and you have a basis for operations. Great… now what?
Looking around the sleepy neighborhood the Soldier part of his mind kicked into gear.
'Residential site, with technology that's up to date with what we're familiar…'
'Damn! And I was so looking forward to visiting Star Trek!' he joked.
'We appear to be in a suburban area, which means that there must be a large city in the vicinity… and probably a commuter train for those who work to go to-and-from one place to the other.' It had come to a point in their… well, ok, 'relationship' that they were so used to each other that he wasn't surprised that Soldier pretended to not even hear him. It's as if he'd simply given up… snicker
'So,' he finished. 'I sneak in the train get off in the Big City and presto change-o… one Free-Xander to go, please! Oh! And add some Twinkies, would you?'
The silence in his head sounded so resigned he barely managed to avoid snickering in real life. Well, it would have been silence if it weren't for Hyena chortling away…
A/N: Ok, so Chapter 1 done and accounted for! Please review and let me know what you think! Even if you just want to say you liked it… it felt nice to see that some put me in their Author Alerts, so I hope I don't let you down!... anything odd or incomprehensible, please PLEASE let me know since I probably hadn't noticed it… nobody's perfect! (Nobody: "Who, me?")
Anyway, enough madness from me, and hope you liked it…