"You have to be involved, Sam." He looked up at his wife, wondering if he'd actually heard her words right. He must have misheard, he decided. There was no way that Naomi would be telling him to be involved in the life of his child with another woman.
"Excuse me?" He avoided looking at Naomi's face, not wanting to see the judgment he might find there. He thought this was what she wanted, after she'd been so upset to find out that Addison was pregnant. Didn't she want this to all just go away, with as little fuss as possible?
"Samuel Bennett, you're not seriously telling me that you're going to walk away from that child, are you?" The judgment was obvious in Naomi's voice, and it didn't take a genius to tell that she thought he was a miserable, cowardly piece of work. Which maybe he was, but he was doing this for her, so why was she so upset?
"I'm not walking away," Sam protested, frustrated that she didn't understand. "I'm going to pay child support, whatever Addison and I work out, and I'll visit too. It's not like I'm going to leave either one of them high and dry."
"So you're going to pay off Addison and hope the whole mess goes away?" Naomi shook her head as she took another sip of her coffee. She'd called him this morning, suggesting that they go out to Starbucks on their lunch break and talk. It had been the first time in a week that she'd spoken to him outside of work, and Sam was hopeful that they might be able to work something out. "That's really nice, Sam."
"I'm not paying her off!" Sam protested, feeling like he was fighting a losing battle. "I don't know what you want me to do, unless you want us to move to New York with Maya, or else I can commute from Manhattan every day. It's not exactly easy to see your child every day when you live on opposite coasts."
"So Addison's going back to New York, then?" Naomi bit her bottom lip, looking thoughtful as she drummed her fingers on the table like she did when she was especially thoughtful about something. "That's up to her, I guess, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be an active presence in this baby's life."
"How do I become an active presence in the life of a child who lives three thousand miles away?" Sam persisted, not seeing her point, or why she was suddenly so interested in his impending fatherhood. He'd assumed that she was upset over Addison's pregnancy because it would take away his attention from her and Maya, but apparently not, since she seemed to want him to become Father of the Year to a child who wasn't hers.
"I don't know, Sam, how do other fathers do it? You're not exactly the first man to be in this situation, I'm sure." Naomi sighed deeply, draining the last of her coffee before setting the cup down on the table. "Maybe you should take some time to figure this out before we talk again."
"Wait a moment," Sam protested, covering her hand with his as she stood up to leave. If she walked out like this, they would be in the same place they'd been before this meeting, possibly less, and it hurt to think that. They needed to work things out, for their own sake as well as Maya's, and after the hellish week they'd been through, he needed some kind of hope. "I'll talk to Addison, okay? I can't promise anything, but I'll talk to her."
"That's all I'm asking for, Sam." Naomi let her hand linger beneath his for a brief moment, then pulled it away.
*******
"I think Naomi wants me to talk Addison into staying," Sam confessed to Pete, glancing around briefly to make sure no one has stepped on his dog before turning back to him. He'd dropped by Sam's place that morning in the hopes of getting him out of the house and consequently out of the funk he'd seemed to be in for the past week.
Pete couldn't really blame him for that--he would have been shell-shocked in the worst way if one of his exes showed up at the clinic to tell him that she was pregnant--but it was times like these when a guy needed his buddies the most. "Naomi wants Addison to stick around? After everything that's happened? That seems…are you sure?"
"She kept going on about how I needed to be a presence in the baby's life." Sam shrugged and held up his hands as they continued on down the beach, the dog trotting alongside them. It was a sad excuse for a dog, Pete thought privately, more like a large rodent than an actual dog, but it was his friend's dog, Sam needed him to be a pal, so Pete would suppress his smartass comments. "I don't know why she was so adamant on the topic, but she seemed to be making her point clear."
"I've never done the whole kid thing, so I'm probably not one to talk, but you're not the type to just run out on a kid like that," Pete offered, shoving his hands in his pockets as they trudged through the sand.
Sam nodded. "I told Naomi that I'd pay child support and go to New York to visit."
"Is that what Addison wants?" Pete inquired, feeling a little silly at how he was asking all these questions and shit about the situation. He was great at talking about sports, and other guy stuff, but he'd never been all that great at discussing feelings, and feelings of women in particular. Violet would laugh her ass off if she could see him right now.
Sam shrugged again, looking a little sheepish this time. "I haven't exactly talked to her about it, but I will. I get the sense that she just came to tell me, you know?"
"So it's over between the two of you, then?" Pete picked up a stick and chucked it into the water, watching how the ripples from the splash become instantly obliviated by the waves.
"There never was an 'it' between us," Sam insisted, shaking his head vehemently. "We're friends, yeah, or at least we were before this all happened. Addison and her husband and Naomi and I were all friends in med school. Addison and I met up in New York over the summer while I was there to promote my book, she was lonely and we were both a little drunk, and, well, here we are."
********
Addison didn't know why she was still there.
She'd been in Santa Monica for a week now, much longer than she'd anticipated. She'd planned on two or three days at the most, just long enough to tell Sam about the baby and work out some kind of arrangement regarding finances and custody. It had seemed pretty cut and dry when she'd left--she assumed that she would do the single parent thing, and Sam would have full visitation rights to see their child whenever he wanted. She wanted her child to have two parents, but know that it would be difficult with the Naomi factor, since her friend was bound to be hurt and upset about the pregnancy. The whole situation was one gigantic mess, but she didn't have anyone to blame but herself.
Naomi hadn't returned any of her phone calls, which Addison found unsurprising. She hadn't expected instant forgiveness, and knew intellectually that she very well might have done something unforgivable, but she wanted to try her hardest to sort things out, since the friendship was important to her and she didn't want to just give up without trying. She knew she would survive if the friendship was over, but she wanted to give it her all so that later on down the road, she would know she'd done everything possible to mend things.
That was the trouble, though, she didn't know how. The situation was what it was and she couldn't take back sleeping with Sam, as much as she would have liked to. She couldn't change the fact that she'd gotten pregnant, and she was going to keep this baby--that much she knew already. Which left her with precious few options except to keep trying and hope that she would hit on something eventually.
She hadn't heard anything from Derek either, which was again, unsurprising. She hadn't called him as much as she had Naomi, just because she honestly didn't know what to say. He'd been furious after walking in on her and Sam, throwing her wardrobe out into the rainy street and eventually throwing her out as well. She'd never known Derek to act like that and while that previously unknown side of him had scared her, another part of her knew that it was her own damn fault and she shouldn't sit around feeling sorry for herself.
She'd tried to keep herself busy, taking the opportunity to go to the beach and do some shopping, which never failed to cheer her up. Well, almost never failed, but it helped some, and the sunshine was nice too. She'd spent two months in Seattle before coming here, taking a job at a hospital there under Richard Webber, an old friend who had been her and Derek's resident during their internship. The change of scene had been good for her, since she couldn't have born staying in Manhattan, but it rained all the time in Seattle which wasn't so cheerful, to say the least.
Her phone rang then, and looking at her caller ID, she saw Sam's name and picked up. She hadn't heard much from him either, but understood that she'd dropped a bombshell on him and that he likely needed time to process things. "Hi, Sam?"
"Addison." Her name sounded hesitant, unsure, and she wondered if everything was all right with him. It wasn't like Sam to get ruffled by much, but he was human just like everyone and her revelation had been unexpected and most likely unsettling. "Can we talk?"
"Um, sure," she agreed, sitting down on the bed as she immediately began twirling her hair in an old, nervous habit of hers. "What did you want to talk about?" Like that wasn't completely obvious, she reprimanded herself. Not so bright, Addison.
"Why don't you come over to my place and we can talk?" Sam suggested, still sounding unsure of himself, like he was reading from a script or something. The seconds passed while she contemplated this, before she realized that he was still waiting for an answer.
"Um, sure," she repeated, wishing she had a better command of words right now. "You live down by the beach, right?"
"Uh-huh," Sam confirmed. "Do you need directions on how to get there? "
"No need, I have GPS," she assured him, grabbing for the complimentary pen and paper that all hotels had. "Can I get your address?" He listed it, and she scribbled it down, checking on the spelling of the street so she wouldn't end up lost. "I"ll be there in a little bit, okay?"
"Naomi's going to be there too," Sam added, and Addison felt her heart begin to beat harder. She couldn't think of any reason why Naomi would be there, considering that she hadn't returned one of Addison's calls, but this was a good thing, right? She didn't know what it meant, but her friend couldn't be too angry if she was willing to be in the same room as her and Sam, let alone participate in the discussion.
"Okay," Addison agreed, resisting the temptation to ask why Naomi had decided to change her mind . If Naomi was at Sam's place, then that seemed to suggest that she and Sam were working things out in their marriage after all, which made Addison feel better. She'd been guilt-ridden at what she'd done to her friend's family, and if things turned out all right between Sam and Naomi, then her friendship might be salvageable as well. "I'll just take a shower and meet you there, okay?"
Sam agreed, and Addison hung up the phone and began rummaging through her suitcase for something to wear.
********
Addison didn't know what to do. She seriously, really, truly, didn't know. She'd fucked up big time, she knew, and every action had consequences and all that stuff. She knew all of these things and she accepted them. She'd fucked up when she'd slept with Sam. The consequences were the loss of her marriage to Derek, who she was still hopelessly in love with, and her friendship to Naomi, which hurt just as much albeit in a different way.
It wasn't that straightforward, though, and sometimes the consequences had consequences of their own. There was a baby involved now, which made everything fifty times more complicated and there would have to be something in place in seven months time, because she was not going to bring a child into the world when things were this fucked up in her personal life. Preferably, things would be in place with a minimum amount of stress, since getting herself this worked up was bad for the baby, and she was determined not to inflict any hurt on her child if she could possibly avoid it.
Which was nice in theory, but considerably more difficult to practice, judging from how she'd been calling Derek's voice mail for the last half an hour just to hear the sound of his voice. That was really and truly pathetic, even for her, but she missed him terribly and for all she knew, that would be the only way she could ever talk to him again.
She normally hung up before the beep, since there wasn't much point in leaving a message when she didn't know what to say. This time she wasn't quick enough, though, and suddenly the beep had come and gone and she was still on the line, trying to come up with something to say. If she was smart, she'd simply hang up and leave Derek to draw his own conclusions from that. Which was pathetic, true, although no less pathetic than her other options and now several seconds had passed with her just standing here, trying to come up with something to stay to her husband's (likely soon to be ex-husband's) voicemail.
"Um, hi, Derek, it's me. Addison," she clarified, although she wondered why she'd felt the need to leave her name when he knew very well who she was. Even if he'd deleted her from his contacts list (and he very well might have) he couldn't have forgotten her voice in the past two months. At least, she hoped he hadn't. Derek had been very forgetful regarding her birthday and their anniversary in recent years, but she didn't think he'd forgotten her entirely.
"Uh, yeah, I just thought I'd try you again, since I haven't heard from you, and I was really hoping we could talk. We need to talk, Derek, you have to let me explain things and show you how sorry I am." She felt herself becoming more and more upset and fought it back, trying to sound calm and rational. Repeating things she'd said two months ago when he'd thrown her out wasn't going to make things any better. It hadn't worked then and it wasn't going to work now. "I know that this means nothing to you after what I did, and I don't know if you're even listening to this or if you just hung up when you heard my voice, which I can completely understand. I just…I don't know what to say anymore, Derek. I made a terrible, terrible mistake and you can't even begin to know how much I wish I could take it back.
I love you, Derek, that's always been the case and I know that doesn't make any sense, since why did I sleep with Sam if I love you? I just…I was lonely, and drunk, we both were and I know that's not an excuse, I know that doesn't make anything right and now I'm rambling again. I hope you've hung up before this, since this is, well, embarrassing doesn't begin to describe it."
She sighed into the phone. "I guess I'll try you again, okay? Please call me."
She hung up the phone and sighed, feeling the warning signs of a migraine coming on. She'd had them regularly in college, then they'd stopped in med school and disappeared altogether up until two months ago, when she'd slept with Sam and her life fell apart.
Okay, that was enough of the emo, Addison decided, drawing a deep breath and exhaling slowly through her nose. Moping around over bad choices she'd made wasn't going to help anything--it wasn't going to fix her marriage or her friendship with Naomi, and it certainly wasn't going to make a good life for her child. She had to talk to Sam and they had to figure out how to be the best parents they could be. It wasn't just about her anymore, and from here on out, her child had to come first.
********
"So you're staying in LA." Naomi's voice was firm and Addison gaped at her friend in surprise. It was surprising enough that Naomi had summoned her to breakfast. They were sitting in Naomi's kitchen just like in old days, and if Addison wanted to, she could pretend that nothing had happened and things were just like they used to be. She didn't, though, since there wasn't any point in pretending. She would be much better off focusing on the future and how to clean up the mess she was in.
"I don't know yet," Addison replied, taking a sip of her orange juice. She was dying for some coffee, but caffeine was bad for the baby and Naomi didn't have any decaf on hand. "I was planning on going back to Seattle, but my plans aren't set in stone yet."
What she really longed to do was go back to New York. She'd been homesick ever since she'd left, but the way things were with Derek right now, it would be too painful to see him at work every day--that was, if he didn't quit rather than work alongside her, which was a distinct possibility.
"Why Seattle?" Naomi questioned, her head tilted to one side as she took a sip of her coffee. "I didn't know you knew anyone there. I thought you'd come straight here from New York."
"I took a temporary position in Seattle," Addison answered, knowing that this wasn't the time or the place to get into the sad story of Derek throwing her out. Naomi would have little sympathy, and even though they were sitting here talking like civilized adults, Addison wasn't about to push her luck. "My old mentor asked me to oversee a few cases and I thought a change of scene might be nice."
"Sure," Naomi agreed briskly, and Addison could tell that her friend didn't really care. It hurt, but there wasn't much she could do about it. "You're still going to stay in LA, though."
It wasn't a question, and Addison wondered what Naomi was getting at. She would have thought that Naomi would want her on the first flight out--she certainly seemed that way when Addison had shown up.
"I hadn't made any plans yet," Addison repeated slowly, treading carefully in the conversation. It sounded like Naomi wanted her to stay, except that made no sense whatsoever and she didn't know quite what to do. "Like I said, I was thinking I'd go back to Seattle."
"But Sam is here," Naomi continued, and for one crazy moment, Addison wondered if Naomi was trying to set her up with Sam. Which was crazy, given that Naomi and Sam were still trying to work out their marriage, from what she understood. That had made her feel a little better, knowing that she hadn't wrecked their marriage as well as her own, but it didn't help her with figuring out just what was going on here. "If you're going to raise your child together, it works better if you live in the same place."
"If we're going to raise our child together?" Addison shook her head, certain she wasn't hearing right. She'd come to LA because she felt that Sam had a right to know about the baby, but she'd been planning on doing the single parent thing. It seemed easier, given the circumstances, and she couldn't even imagine how complicated it would be to move to California to raise a child with the man she'd cheated on her husband with, who was trying to work out things with his wife, who had been devastated by his infidelity. The whole thing was one big, complicated mess and Addison was decidedly uneasy about bringing her child into a situation like that.
"Do you really think Sam's not going to want to be involved in his child's life?" Naomi wanted to know, and Addison dropped her gaze to the countertop, not wanting to say that yes, she thought just that. Sam was a good man, and a good father, from what she'd always seen of how he'd interacted with Maya, but he had a tendency to avoid messy situations and Addison had assumed that he would want to limit his involvement to paying child support and the occasional visit. "Because he wants to, Addison, and I think you should give him that chance."
"Wow," Addison said before she could help herself. That wasn't what she'd been expecting at all, and she wondered whether Sam had wanted to be involved from the start of whether Naomi had talked him into it. She suspected the latter, but that wasn't something she felt she could say, not right now, at least. "I didn't know that."
"He's a good father, Addison, and he and I both want Maya to know her brother or sister," Naomi continued, wincing slightly as if dreading the prospect of telling her daughter that her Aunt Addison's baby was actually her younger half-sibling. "There aren't any job openings at the clinic, unfortunately, but St. Ambrose is an excellent hospital and Sam knows the chief of staff there. I'd be willing to bet that Charlotte King would jump at the chance to hire a double board certified neonatal surgeon."
"Naomi, I don't know," Addison protested, feeling decidedly hesitant to uproot her life a second time and move to yet another new city where she would be seeing the man she'd cheated on her husband with, every day. She didn't have a problem with Sam being involved with their child, but the whole situation was so complicated and it seemed so much simpler to simply go back to Seattle, finish out her contract, and decide where she wanted to go from there.
"There's also the matter of our friendship," Naomi continued, a knowing look in her eyes as her gaze met Addison's. "It would be much easier for us to work things out with you here as opposed to in New York or Seattle or God knows where."
Addison resisted the urge to blurt out that Naomi had to be kidding, that their friendship was good and thoroughly wrecked. In all likelihood it was--what she'd done was pretty unforgivable and she didn't know if she would have been able to forgive Naomi if their situations had been reversed, if Naomi had slept with Derek. No, that was about as much of a violation of friendship as you could get, and irreversible, as much as Addison wished otherwise.
Yet here Naomi was, suggesting that it was possible, and the offer was incredibly tempting. Addison hadn't had many girl friends in her lifetime--she'd never gotten along well with women for the most part, although there were a handful of good friends like Savvy in New York, whose husband Weiss had been friends with Derek. And then there was Naomi, whom Addison had known since college and shared so many memories with that it hurt to think of just giving up on all of that.
"Nai, I have to think about it," Addison told her friend, although she knew it was merely a formality and that she was going to be staying. Now that her marriage to Derek was over, Naomi and Sam were the only family she had left. As much as she liked to pretend otherwise, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to stand losing them as well.
********
"I need a job."
The blonde woman looked up from her paperwork, the expression on her face a mixture of 'what the fuck?' and 'get out of my office.' "Excuse me?"
"I'm a double board certified neonatal surgeon," Addison continued, striding into the room and taking a seat in the chair in front of the woman's desk. The name on the door had identified her to be Dr. Charlotte King, Chief of Staff at St. Ambrose hospital, and the woman Addison needed to impress. "One of the best in the world."
"Oh you are, are you?" Charlotte King's voice had a faint southern drawl to it, and she arched an eyebrow as her blue eyes watched Addison intently. "Well, then, why don't you give me your name and I can tell you if I've heard of you."
Addison wasn't quite sure what her last name was at this point, but this wasn't the time to hesitate. She had a number of insecurities in any number of areas, but her expertise as a doctor wasn't one of them. "It's Montgomery-Shepherd. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd."
"Well, now, that's very impressive, Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd." Charlotte nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact as she and Addison continued to size each other up. "Most people only have one last name, after all, and you have four."
"I also did a fellowship in cystic fibrosis, and I was the top neonatal surgeon on the East Coast," Addison countered, not wanting to give an inch. She was a damn good surgeon and she wasn't going to settle for anything less than what she wanted. "I can bring in millions of dollars to your hospital."
"I'm not unaware of your reputation, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," Charlotte shifted slightly in her chair and leaned forward, her elbows resting on her desk. "I heard about the TTTS case you helmed up in Seattle last month. Does Richard Webber know you're here?"
"Would it matter if he didn't?" Addison inquired coolly, taking off her jacket and folding it neatly on the chair beside her. Her number one rule in job interviews was to be confident and make the other person want to hire you. If things didn't work out, there were any number of other hospitals in LA that would jump at the chance to hire here, but St. Ambrose was closest to the clinic and Addison's first choice. She wasn't going to settle for anything less than what she wanted.
"Not really, no," Charlotte agreed, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. "I don't have much of a problem with poaching staff from other hospitals. Especially not if they're good."
"I'm the best," Addison assured her confidently, trying not to think about what Richard was going to say when she told him she was leaving for Los Angeles. He'd been pushing hard for her to stay, but even aside from her new obligations in California, she just couldn't see herself in Seattle anymore. The last thing she wanted to do was explain to her old friend and mentor why she was having a baby who wasn't her husband's.
"Well, then, Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd," Charlotte King drawled, standing up and extending her hand to Addison. Addison shook her hand firmly, feeling relieved to know that one more thing was taken care of and that she didn't have to worry about employment any longer. "You're hired."
********
Of all the houses to rent in Santa Monica, Addison had had to rent the one next to his.
Not that this was a bad thing, necessarily, since Addison was a good, considerate neighbor who didn't throw her garbage on his front porch or throw wild parties till all hours of the night. Sam had trouble seeing Addison doing either of those things, really. She simply wasn't that kind of girl.
It was awkward, though, and Sam didn't know what to do about that. They were friendly and said hi to each other when they saw each other outside, and Addison occasionally came over to visit when Naomi was over, but there was an uneasy feeling between both of them when they were alone. That was seldom the case, though; as if by a mutual understanding, they rarely spent time together without Naomi as a buffer.
It wasn't because either of them was afraid of something else happening between them. That night in New York had been a one-off, something that had happened because they were both tipsy bordering on drunk and Addison had just seemed so damn sad that Sam wanted to do something to make her feel better. Which had been the completely wrong thing to do, and now he was left sorting out a huge mess of his own making.
To be honest, he hadn't wanted to deal with it when Addison showed up--he was trying to work things out with Naomi, and an unexpected pregnancy had been the last thing he'd needed. Which was selfish and cowardly, but Sam had never been all that good with facing problems head-on--avoiding them and hoping that they would go away was much more his style.
"Hey there." Sam turned to his right to see Addison waving to him from the neighboring balcony, smiling nervously and looking about as awkward as he felt. "It's a nice night, isn't it?"
"Very nice," Sam agreed politely, nodding out toward the water where the moonlight played on the ocean. "Nice and clear, even though you can't see the stars."
"Yeah, I know," Addison agreed with a wry smile. "You can't see them in Manhattan either. One of the drawbacks of living in the city, you know?"
"True, stars would be nice, but I'd rather have the city and everything that comes with it than be stuck out in the middle of nowhere, you know?" The conversation was nice and pleasant, and boring him to tears. He and Addison had never been as close as Addison and Naomi had been--they liked and respected each other a lot, but Sam had been closer to Derek--but they'd also never had to chat politely as if they were strangers. It just seemed weird and unnatural, but Sam didn't know what to do about it.
"This is weird, isn't it?" Addison asked, sighing deeply. "Like talking to my banker or something. Lots of small talk, no substance." She hesitated, suddenly looking horrified. "That was rude of me, wasn't it? I'm sorry!"
"It wasn't rude," Sam assured her, sighing in return. Addison had just said what he was thinking, and while he was hesitant to pursue the topic, it was likely to be better than standing up on their respective balconies making small talk. "You didn't say anything I wasn't thinking myself."
"I don't blame you for feeling uneasy around me, after I threw myself at you in New York," Addison admitted, the expression on her face a mixture of sadness and worry. "I hope you know that I never wanted to cause problems between you and Naomi, and I didn't mean to stir things up again by coming here. I just thought you'd want to know, you know?"
"I do," Sam agreed, nodding. It had been quite a shock, to say the least, and he still didn't know what to make of the news, but there was a part of him that was excited about being a father again, even if it was in a completely different way than he expected. "I mean, I did. I do. What I'm trying to say is, I'm glad you told me."
*********
"I don't know how it happened," Addison confessed, looking down at her hands as she talked to the shrink. She wasn't sure if she was talking about her affair or her pregnancy or how she happened to be here in the first place, sitting in the office of Oceanside Wellness Center's therapist who happened to be a good friend of Naomi's. Addison had never been the therapy type, one to sit back and pay a stranger to listen to her problems, but she'd come by that afternoon to see Naomi, who had been out on a house call. She'd gotten so upset at the news that Violet, who'd been the one to break it to her, had hustled her into her office and asked if she wanted to talk. Addison didn't, and yet here she was half an hour later, still pouring out her story.
"I just missed Derek so much and Sam was there and it just happened."
She knew this was stupid, telling her sad tale to Naomi's friend, who most likely felt little, if any sympathy for her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come."
She stood up to leave but Violet stood up as well, putting a hand on her arm. "Addison, wait, you don't have to leave. I'm not going to judge you."
Addison looked at her skeptically, wondering if the other woman was playing her for a fool. Of course Violet was judging her. She was Naomi's friend, and Addison had slept with Naomi's husband. If that wasn't a case for judgment, what was?
"Yes, Naomi and I are friends, but that doesn't mean that you and I can't talk, does it? This isn't junior high, where I'm not going to speak to you if my friend isn't, and it seems like you could use someone to talk to. Besides, Naomi's talking to you, isn't she?"
"Yes, she is," Addison admitted, slowly sitting down even thought she still felt ready to bolt out of there. "It's just weird, you know? I know I'm the wicked witch here, and I screwed up majorly. I don't blame you all for siding with Naomi."
Violet sighed, looking annoyed and Addison regretted her words. She was sounding whiny and emo, in spite of her resolution to be more proactive. "Addison, if you feel uncomfortable talking to me, I'll understand. All you have to do is say so."
"No, it's okay," Addison assured her, setting back against the sofa and trying to release some of the tension in her shoulders. "It all just happened so fast, you know? Derek--my husband--wanted kids for years and I wasn't ready, so we kept holding off. I wanted to establish my career and get myself into a place where I felt like I could be a good parent."
"That's understandable," Violet assured her, smiling sympathetically that she had to have perfected in shrink school, Addison thought to herself. Well, no, that wasn't fair, really. What did she expect Violet to say, that it was all okay? Of course not, and now she was rambling again.
"I just don't know what to do," Addison finished, slumping wearily in her seat. "I mean, I'm having the baby--that's not the question here. I just thought it would be different, you know, with Derek, and without my best friend hating me."
"I don't think Naomi hates you," Violet offered tentatively, looking like she was slightly at a loss for words. "Yes, she's hurt and angry, but you said that she's talking to you and that she was the one who asked you to stay. That doesn't exactly sound like hating to me."
"I know," Addison agreed wearily. "I'm just a wreck, and I don't know if it's the hormones or just that I'm still mourning the end of my marriage. It's been two and a half months since I saw Derek, and I haven't talked to him since the night he walked in on me and Sam. He was so angry--I didn't think he could be that angry. He has a temper, yes, but he threw me out of the house, Violet. It was raining and he was angry and I didn't know what to say to him or how to fix things. I still don't know."
Violet nodded and gestured for her to continue. Addison was grateful for the other woman's silence--it helped to get things off of her chest, and she'd felt weird about discussing these things with Sam or Naomi. She still felt a little strange talking about her affair with Naomi's friend, but Violet was a therapist and Addison assumed that there would be some level of confidentiality, even if this was just an informal chat and not an official session.
"On the upside, I have a job now," Addison offered, grateful to have some kind of positive news to share, even if it was just with Naomi's therapist friend. "Charlotte King hired me to work at St. Ambrose, and I start on Monday. She's promised me lots of surgeries, so it'll be good to get back in my element again."
"You're a surgeon?" Violet inquired, and Addison felt a measure of satisfaction at how the other woman appeared impressed. It was arrogant and elitist, she knew, the way surgeons tended to look down on other doctors, and it was something she was going to have to change if she was going to spend time with the Oceanside group. Addison resisted the urge to say that she was one of the best, or to list off her credentials, knowing that it would only come across as arrogant. Even thought she wouldn't be working here, it was likely that they would interact frequently, since the practice referred their surgical cases to St. Ambrose, and it was easier to get along with people when you didn't look down your nose at them.
"Neonatal, primarily," Addison answered Violet's question, feeling a little better now that they were talking about something she was good at instead of how messed up her life was. "And I have a house now, although I have a lot of work to do to get it ready for a baby and I still can't believe it, you know? I'm having a baby."
She sighed again, feeling weary at how everything always seemed to come back to the same, simple fact. She wished she could feel more excited at the prospect--she had always loved being Aunt Addison to Maya and to Derek's nieces and nephews--and she hoped that she would be once the shock had worn off, but right now she felt more scared than anything else.