Disclaimer: Danger Mouse and characters are property of Cosgrove/Hall productions, and I don't own them. This fiction and the characters of M6 Lori Lamoure and her assistant and other craziness the other side of the pond is my own insanity, property of me, Trynia Merin. This is the revised version as of 7/13/2008
Two of the Best and Two of the Worst
By Trynia Merin
Chapter 1
Opening Theme, as usual.
Danger Mouse, Danger Mouse… DANGER MOUSE….
When the bomb explodes over the logo, the title card is seen, with the following logo: Two of the Best and Two of the Worst, Part 2
Narrator: In our last episode, DM and Penfold had gone missing, so Agent M6 and her assistant Bagel were instructed by their informant to find the two missing agents, with a warning… They were to contact Colonel K, or wait for him when they arrived at the Mayfair Pillar box that serves as the White Wonder's HQ… in London…Will Danger Mouse EVER appear in his own series again, or is he about to become mouse food for the new Greenback/Cam Elion consortium patent pending Agent trap? In addition, can these two female agents warn him in time, or will they have to rescue our heroes?
Bagel had finally stopped squirming by the time they were halfway across the Atlantic. She fanned her face with the paper fan she had constructed, and glanced over at Lori, who had hit the A button for automatic pilot.
"You okay sis?" asked Lori, handing her friend another B bag that the B button had provided.
"I think… I left my stomach behind!" gulped her assistant.
"Easy, we're halfway there," she said, and pressed the W button. Immediately a robotic hand reached into the small cooler in the back compartment and drew out a bottle of spring water, dropping it into Bagel's lap.
"Just WHO is this agent we're supposed to work with?" Bagel groaned as she sipped on the mineral water. "Oy, my stomach is ready to do a summersault again!"
"Hmm, I'm tapping into the main computer now," she said, pressing the C button. A small view screen buzzed into life, and she glanced at the dossier that said Top Secret. "Agent M6 reporting. Can you give me any information on my latest mission?"
"Affirmative," said the crime computer. "Cross referencing M6… your latest mission, should you choose to accept it involves the Rex/GB consortium."
"Rex has a business partner?" asked Lori slowly. The Videocon buzzed and she saw JP's image come over loud and clear. This time he sat behind a sleek modern desk, piled high with documents.
"Ah there you are," he said. "These transatlantic calls are a bugger to make. Agent M6, I see you've gotten in touch with P for your new vehicle."
"I love it Sir, but could you please tell me where I'm supposed to land, and just WHO I'm going to be working with?"
"Have you ever heard of the White Wonder?" asked JP.
"White wonder?" said Lori with a narrowing of her pink eyes. "You can't mean…"
"Duh, he means Agent DM, as in Danger Mouse," said Bagel. "Even I know that, and I'm a rookie."
"I knew what he meant, Bagel," Lori rolled her eyes. "If he's the world's greatest secret agent, what does he need MY help for?"
"Because you're our best agent. Also the fact that Cam Elion-Rex is claiming diplomatic immunity. If you have ANY hope of arresting him, you MUST do so with the help of Danger Mouse."
"Diplomatic immunity, how on EARTH did he weasel through that?" demanded Lori, her flattened hand slapping against the steering wheel.
"You know how slippery he is… he's under the protection of a nasty villain, who has been known to make problems Stateside. His name's Baron Silas Greenback… and he's apparently hired Rex to design the ultimate agent trap…"
"Oy vey," Bagel groaned. "And Danger Mouse is the test subject?"
"Exactly," said JP. "And you MUST warn Danger Mouse. Both of you. And you must work together to stop this twin threat to the civilized world!"
"But does Agent Danger Mouse KNOW he's got two American agents to help him?" asked Lori. "From what I gather, he tends to prefer working alone."
"Agent M6, he's been briefed that he'll receive help. Just when and where that help arrives depends on you. My associate Colonel K has told me that they've lost track of Danger Mouse and his assistant two hours ago… and that's why you're being sent to his secret HQ to see if there are any clues to his disappearance."
"Great," Lori sighed, tossing her head in disgust. "He needs US women to pull his tail outta the fire… all right… I'll need all the information I can get on them. Both him and his assistant."
"We can give you the coordinates of his secret hideout in London. Then you'll have to wait for Colonel K himself to give you the next set of info. Good luck, and DO try to see this as an educational experience," JP urged.
"All right sir," Lori relented.
"Wow, working with a big name like DANGER MOUSE, you lucky gal!" she laughed, nudging Lori.
"Oh please," growled Lori, causing Bagel to lean away quickly. "Don't EVEN get my started!"
"Why are you so annoyed?" asked Bagel. "I'd be CRAZY to be annoyed working with a legend like him!"
"He's totally arrogant," the American agent sniffed dismissively, her nose stuck up in the air. Her assistant fought the urge to point out how the pot was suddenly calling the kettle black. Judging by Lori's mood, she knew it was akin to throwing gasoline on a fire.
"You haven't met him even and you've got your mind made up?" Bagel said, glancing at her friend as if she were nuts.
"There's a reason for it. You see, it somewhat um, takes place a while ago. With one of my cousins in France."
"Which one?" she asked.
"Um apparently my cousin, who is a well known popular opera singer. She um… well... had the misfortune of becoming involved in one of Danger Mouse's missions. And for all her help, she was um… turned down."
"How so?" Bagel asked, flinching as she anticipated the answer. Judging from the way her superior's voice raised in volume it wasn't going to be pleasant.
"The secret agent business can bring out the best and worst in people. They had a… fling… and well, he never returned her calls."
"So you're saying your aunt had a Jones on Danger Mouse, and she got dumped?" asked Bagel with a giggle. "But surely he must have had a reason. I mean your cousin isn't exactly the EASIEST to get along with."
"No, but he broke her heart," said Lori angrily, her pink eyes gleaming almost ruby red. "My cousin was never the same. And she's buried herself in her performing career, and hardly EVER goes on tour anymore because of him."
"Which cousin?"
"Fifi Lamoure," said Lori with a sigh.
"Wow, she's one of the BEST pop stars out there," said Bagel with admiration. "I have ALL her albums… you mean HER and DM…"
"Yes," nodded Lori. "Blood is thicker than water, Bagel. And once this mission is done, I will personally box his ears."
"Hmm, remind me not to get you on a bad day," Bagel muttered slowly.
Three hours after they received the coordinates, Lori pulled the Gail VI into a holding pattern over London. She glanced at Bagel, who kept an airsick bag by her nose. The poor hamster, who was normally a shade of toast brown was now a sick green as she struggled not to barf again as Lori made a course correction, and spiraled down toward London.
"There's Big Ben, and Parliament," said Lori.
"Wow," Bagel groaned, as she held her stomach and Lori brought the flying car down towards a group of buildings. She saw the sign Baker Street and half chuckled when Lori retracted the wings of the car and pulled up to the spot where JP had given her the address.
"Okay, so WHERE does this Danger Mouse live?" Bagel asked.
"Hmm, Mayfair… and a mailbox?" asked Lori, glancing up as she pulled the Gail VI convertible to a stop by the curb. Bagel giggled and shook her head.
"Well isn't it obvious?" she laughed. "If I didn't know better that was some new fangled trash can."
"Bagel it's a mailbox. What the British call a postbox. Look, don't tell me you're going to need the airsick bag AGAIN?"
"As long as I'm on solid ground, or pavement I'm fine," Bagel gasped her green hue turning a shade of toast brown as the young girl hamster breathed deeply. "I don't' suppose there's a doorbell on a post box is there?"
"Hmm," Lori muttered, and glanced at the computer. There was a secret harmonic code, and she punched it slowly. A small section of the curb lifted up, and she slowly backed the car into the yawning blackness. Bagel glanced up anxiously as they pulled into a large ultramodern garage, and Lori saw the section of curb swing down again closing them inside.
"Nice digs," said Bagel. "Now how do we get up?"
"There's an elevator I think," she mumbled as she glanced up, and slowly flipped up out of the car with a graceful summersault. She sent her telescopic tail down, and slipped it around Bagel's waist, pulling her assistant up quickly to sit beside her. Pressing yet another control at the side of the sofa, Bagel groaned as it began to shoot up at tremendous speed.
"Oy gevalt!" Bagel groaned as she grabbed the airsick bag and shoved it over her nose. As they slid up into a circular room, Lori looked around, with a low mumble of appreciation.
"Some people have ALL the luck," she mumbled as she looked at the apartment.
"Wow, oh wow," Bagel mumbled, glancing around. Both found themselves sitting on a circular couch, recessed into the floor. Twin statues flanked a large video screen set into the wall. Two sets of stairs curved up and around into two directions, and Lori slowly took stock of the apartment.
They glanced around, and Bagel wandered off to see the furniture, seeing no dust with a careful eye. Lori slowly wandered from room to room, wondering if there would be a picture of her cousin Fifi in SOME location that indicated that Dangermouse had SOME lasting affection for her.
Bagel, noticing her friend's pensive silence said, "Sis, what's wrong?"
"What makes you think something is wrong?" the female mouse responded.
"Because you are quiet… as a mouse."
"You're as nosy as a hamster," mumbled Lori.
"What's the DEAL like with your cousin and Dangermouse?" she asked.
"I told you he broke her heart," said Lori quickly.
"Well, maybe he had a REASON… like maybe he's SORRY for what happened… I mean he IS an honorable mouse from what I remember hearing in Assistant school."
"Mmm," Lori mumbled, unconvinced as she saw some pictures lying around. There were a few of the White Wonder, with a patch over one eye, and she had to admit he was handsome. Next to him stood a small hamster with glasses and a blue suit, and striped tie. Bagel smiled as she picked up the photo, and said, "He's rather cute…"
"Hmm," Lori mumbled. "That's what SHE thought."
"I didn't' just mean Danger Mouse, I mean this little guy… he's kind of cute," Bagel pointed to the hamster. "Is he the assistant?"
"Don't know," said Lori. "I wonder WHAT we're doing here."
"You're not going to look into his private STUFF are you?" she asked. Lori mumbled and shook her head.
"Doesn't seem like he MISSES her all that much."
"Are you kidding me? Look at this," Bagel said, rushing over to the large stereo, and pulling out a stack of CD's. Fifi Lamoure was well represented, and Lori mumbled as Bagel tugged her over.
"So, he's pining," she mumbled.
"And look at THIS," she said. A small picture fell out of the stack of CD's, and it was personally autographed.
"Hmm," said Lori.
"Just HOW long ago did she give you the lowdown on her broken heart?" asked Bagel suspiciously.
"I visited France years ago with my mom and dad, when we were reunited," she said slowly. "My dad Hercule was visiting her sister and my cousins… Fifi was the oldest, and then there was Henri, and Gigi."
"And it was THEN she gave you the sob story?" asked Bagel.
"Well it had JUST happened," said Lori slowly. "And I had just joined the RATS in the footsteps of my father Hercule Lamoure. He was SO proud of me."
"So that's why you were raised by the circus, because your dad was a secret agent?"
"Him and my mom were both the best," she said. "When they were in the Canadian branch… they HAD to give me up for adoption because they were presumed lost on a mission… imagine how mad I was to find out they were alive. But I got over it."
"You talked to Fifi since that visit ten years ago?"
"We didn't keep in touch that often," said Lori. "Although from what I heard, from my Aunt, she was having a promising career… but she never married… I figured Danger Mouse had fixed THAT notion and ruined her from finding any meaningful relationship."
"What if they DID somehow… reconcile?" asked Bagel. "Call me a hopeless romantic but maybe SHE got over it. And you never knew because you didn't keep in touch… you KNOW that you and I aren't permitted CLOSE contact with family because of our jobs… not unless we're given clearance."
"I still think that's HIGHLY unlikely," Lori mumbled.
A siren shattered their conversation, and Bagel shrieked, dropped the photo as Lori spun around her hands poised in defensive mode. She had taken Kong Moggie and other martial arts, and was a precision fighting machine. Bagel saw the screen buzz several times, and a rather large fellow with a white beard cleared his throat at sight of the two agents standing there.
"Yes?" asked Lori. "Are you Colonel K?"
"That's right missy, and you must be M6? Bally glad to meet you."
"The pleasure is likewise," Lori cleared her throat. "Lori Lamoure, Agent M6 Trial mouse at your service, from RATS. I understand your top agent is missing."
"Your contact JP gave me all the details here," he harrumphed. "And we've got a big problem. About two hours ago Agent Danger Mouse and his assistant Penfold went to investigate Baron Greenback's latest evil scheme."
"Who's Greenback?" Bagel asked slowly.
"One of the most ROTTEN villains," Lori said slowly. "This is the BIGTIME… I thought Cam Elion-Rex was bad… but he's one of the OLD schools."
"Quite," said Colonel K as he cleared his throat. "And we've got to get him back… that's why YOU ladies come in."
"We're come in already sir," said Bagel slowly. "And what we like want to know is, what the HECK do we do?"
"She's your assistant?" Col. K asked, while glancing at Bagel.
"That's right," nodded Lori. "Bagel, chill a bit… as you were saying."
"As I was saying, Agent Danger Mouse has gone missing. Moreover, it's your job to find him, and make contact… only you both can defeat this twin menace. The whole country and the world's depending on you, M6."
"I won't let you down sir," said Lori. "Where was agent Danger Mouse's last position?"
"Sitting down I hope," Bagel mumbled.
"Bagel…" said Lori, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Okay I get the hint," Bagel mumbled and shut herself up.
"Danger Mouse and Penfold were last seen over the North Sea," Colonel K informed them. "And they went off radar at approximately 1425."
"I thought it was 2003," Bagel mumbled.
"He means MILITARY time," Lori coughed, rolling her eyes.
"Sheesh, more METRIC stuff, you British are crazy," Bagel sighed.
"Is she like this ALL the time?" Colonel K asked Lori.
"Yep," Nodded Lori.
"Well then, good luck. And for information regarding Danger Mouse, you have clearance to look in the top files…"
"Sir, P said to say hello," Bagel chimed in.
"Ah, how's the old blighter?" asked Colonel K.
"I think he's singed for the moment, or flash frozen," Lori said.
"Good old chap," said Colonel K. "Good luck ladies, the future of the free world is depending on you."
"Like I said, count on us," Lori said.
"Over and out," said the Colonel, as the screen buzzed off.
"They need to get their screen fixed," Bagel commented.
"Bagel, really," Lori mumbled. "I think we go OUT the way we came in…"
"This is worse than the poles," Bagel mumbled as Lori grabbed her hand and plunked her down on the same section of the sofa. As soon as they sat, the elevator shot down, and Bagel let out a cry of "OY gevalt, my stomach!"
Bagel and Lori slid down the chute into the seat of the car, and Lori revved the engine. Luckily the door swung open, and she soon held onto the seat for dear life as Lori activated the wings and the Gail became a sprightly little aircraft, speeding out over London and out to the North Sea.
Two good hours of flight, the grey foamy waters gave way to a white opaque surface festooned with cracks. The air itself seemed to change pressure, indicating they had crossed the Arctic Circle. Bagel shivered even though the H button had been pressed. "What are we looking for?" she asked Lori. "Other than PENGUINS or Vikings?"
"Penguins are at the South Pole, Bagel," said Lori, sighing.
"So, who told THEM that?" she asked, pointing to a few penguins on a small floe of ice, one of them fanning a wood stove. Lori blinked and shook her head as she sped by, following the trail Colonel K had relayed to them.
"Okay, here are a few islands… the Isle of Wight… that's DM's last known position…"
"They look GREY to me,' Bagel mumbled.
"Even so, we should be careful… my radar's picking up something. Make that something BIG and metallic."
"Like a flying SAUCER?" Bagel cried, pointing ahead.
"Don't' be silly there are NO such things," Lori began, but clapped her mouth shut when her eyes beheld the anomaly.
"Tell THEM that!" she cried as it came into view. Lori steered out of the way JUST in time as the large frog headed saucer cut them off. A small door opened and a machine gun shot out, firing rapidly.
"Help!" Bagel cried as the shots rang out, and Lori struggled to keep the craft in an evasive pattern. One shot crackled on the wing, and Bagel shrieked as she clung to the seat. Another shot slammed into the roof, making a loud think.
"P has GOT to fix the new model, I thought it was bullet proof!" she mumbled.
"It's not a bullet it's CUSTARD," Bagel mumbled, seeing the yellow ooze spread over. There came a slow hiss as it began to eat through the roof.
"Acid custard?" said Lori as Bagel sniffed it. Her eyes snapped shut behind her glasses after the first whiff.
"Yes, custard, and it REEKS," Bagel turned up her nose.
"Okay, he asked for it," said Lori angrily. "Get ready to JAM their radar."
"And HOW are you going to do this… does this car have weapons?"
"Hmm," she said, pressing the W button. Nothing happened, except a bottle of water shot up and out of the back of the car and landed into their laps. Lori saw the words, "Sorry, weapon system is not yet installed…"
"GREAT," Lori mumbled.
"Water?" Bagel groaned as the custard continued to eat through the roof. A bit of it dripped on her seat belt and she shrieked as it ate through. Grabbing the water, Lori doused her assistant, to cut the acidic custard. She grabbed the jar of strawberry jam, and held it in her hand as she circled around the strange frog headed saucer, still firing at them. Holding the jar, she threw it quickly at the gun, and it landed neatly inside.
As the next shot fired, there was an explosion. Subsequently the jam coated the insides of the gun, and Bagel almost laughed as she saw it short circuit. "You did it Sis!" she cried.
"Naturally," she nodded. "I'll have to thank you for that year."
"But that was supposed to go with the peanut butter," Bagel sighed. "What a waste."
"Yikes!" Lori cried as suddenly a bright yellow object was headed STRAIGHT for them.
"LOOK OUT!" Bagel cried as Lori flipped up and around, and Bagel screamed as she tumbled out of the Gail 6, and tumbled downwards to the seat.
"HELP!" she screamed as she spun helplessly down head over heels. She screamed her loudest and best, from her training in Assistant Agent protocols. As she glanced up, she saw the form of the Gail 6 speeding away as more shots cracked into it, and it spiraled down towards the North Sea.
As Bagel continued a scream that would have made her mom and brothers proud, she suddenly felt her fall broken by a solid thump of something soft under her, and the sound of a car engine. Gasping, she clung and shivered in the seat, almost sobbing in fear. Automatically she straightened her glasses so they were more securely perched on her muzzle. Through the haze of her panic, she saw the blinking lights on a panel, and the movement of something white.
Isenbard: Oh no, will Agent M6 be able to find what happened to her assistant. Will Bagel learn the hard way that hamster's can't fly? Can the rescuers rescue their rescuers without needing to be rescued? In addition, where is Danger Mouse? Find out!