Chapter 2

Shepard had faced down the Collectors, the mutated Rachni, husks galore - hell, she'd taken down a few Reapers all on her lonesome - and she'd never backed down from any of them. So why was it that her hands trembled around the glass she was holding as she waited for Kaidan to talk?

She felt the couch dip beside her and realised Kaidan had taken a seat. Shit, she must be really distracted if she hadn't even noticed him move. He leaned over and took the glass out of her hands. Great, now he'd be able to see the tremor; she quickly clasped them tightly in her lap.

"I should have spoken to you before now, rather than avoiding you. I'm sorry about that, I just..." He let out a sigh as he scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I just wasn't sure what to say, or even how to say it. But then you kissed me, and I knew we had to talk."

Shepard held her hands together so tightly she could feel her nails digging into her skin. God, she couldn't do this, not with him so close. If he tried to comfort her, then her struggle to hold back the tears would all be for nothing, and she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She stood up, grabbing her glass once more as she walked past the table, needing the distance.

Shepard threw back the rest of the drink, letting the alcohol warm the coldness within her, and wishing she'd poured herself a larger measure.

Kaidan stood too, feeling restless and anxious about what he had to say. "When the rescue team got you off the Citadel and brought you into the med-bay, I thought you were dead." There was a catch in his voice that made Shepard lift her head, she was shocked to see a look of agony cross his face.

"That's the third time, Shepard. On the Citadel, after killing Sovereign, I thought you'd been crushed under the falling parts of the ship. Then I saw you get spaced, that... that moment will be forever burned in my memory. Then I watched, helpless, as you ran off to take down the Reapers on your own. I swear, my heart damn near stopped when you left."
Kaidan was pacing back and forth as he tried to put his feelings into words. Shepard was starting to get dizzy from watching him; it was like a fast paced tennis match.

Abruptly he stopped and stared at Shepard. "You said earlier, that you couldn't do this anymore. Does this mean you're going to retire?" His voice held a touch of hope.

Shepard's eyes narrowed as she felt a pinch of annoyance. "No, that's not what I meant. I was just upset about those we lost. Damn it, Kaidan, you know our work is dangerous. Hell, you nearly got killed on Mars! Don't you think that broke me up inside? I worry about you too when we're out on missions, but we're both professionals, we're both Spectres. That isn't just something you can walk away from."
Shepard wiped a tired hand over her face. "What if I asked you to do the same thing, would you do it, Kaidan?"

He looked away, and Shepard had her answer. "So, how can you ask me to give up the only life I've ever known? Do you want me sat at home worrying about you? Or would you prefer I be out there on a mission with you, covering your back?"
Kaidan's head whipped up to look at her, he opened his mouth, then closed it, then tried again. "I hadn't thought of it like that. It was just such a damn scare seeing you like that, covered in blood and looking so pale. I... I just couldn't get the image out of my head. I kept seeing it, over and over."

Noticing the tremor in his voice, she put her glass on the table, and moved towards him. There was no mistaking the sheen of tears in his eyes, and it was Shepard's undoing. Cupping the back of his neck she pulled him to her; his arms came around her waist in a vice like grip and his head dropped to her shoulder. Shepard stroked his back, trying to ease the tension that knotted his muscles. They stayed like that for a while, both taking comfort in the closeness of one another.

"I didn't mean to keep avoiding you. Well, I mean I did at first, because I wanted time to think things through, and whenever I'm around you I seem to have trouble thinking at all. But then, I just didn't know how to get the ball rolling, and with each day that passed it seemed to get harder to... mmph!"

Shepard's soft lips pressed against his, and he opened to her immediately. They both moaned at the feel of their tongues sliding together. "Need you, Shepard." His voice was little more than a husky whisper that sent shivers down her spine.

They separated in order to quickly to strip off their tops. She had a moment to eye up the solid wall of muscle in front of her, appreciating the defined pectorals and the dips and ridges of his stomach, before being pulled back into his embrace. She felt a slight tingling and then her bra lay loosely against her breasts. She looked down, then looked up at Kaidan. "Did you just undo my bra with your biotics?"

"Mhm, well my hands were busy grabbing your lovely ass."

Shepard chuckled as she moved her hands down to his own very fine backside. Oh God, it should be illegal to have an ass this good. It was firm and muscled, a lovely rounded handful to grab hold of, and hang on to. Kaidan slipped a thick thigh between her legs and she moaned, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. "Ah, damn, that feels good."

Kaidan's hands travelled to her hips, where he started moving her, letting out a groan as her wet heat dampened his skin.
"Clothes. Off!" Shepard managed to say between gasps as her hands moved to his trousers and she frantically tugged at the fastener.

His thick cock sprang out and Shepard deftly caught it in a firm grasp. "Fuck, yes!" Kaidan groaned as she started to stroke him from root to tip. After a few passes, she let go of him and gave him a push. He landed on the couch, a look of surprise on his face, which turned into a grin as he watched Shepard get down on her knees between his legs. His cock, resting against his stomach, jerked in anticipation and a few drops of precum smeared his skin.

Shepard leaned forward, and pressed a kiss at the base of his cock, then ran her tongue up the full length, concentrating on the thick vein. Reaching the top, she licked over the slit, before moving back to the base. She took his shaft in hand, and mouthed up one side, licking briefly over the glans then back down the other side.

Kaidan's hips flexed, his cock aching to be in her mouth. "Damn it, Shepard, stop teasing!" She looked up at him, eyes glinting wantonly as she pressed a kiss to the underside of the head, before flicking her tongue out in sensuous little licks. Kaidan gripped his thighs hard, but it was no good, he needed to touch her. Reaching out he tangled his hand in Shepard's soft hair, not moving her, just holding on for the ride. And what a ride it was turning out to be.

Shepard's mouth hovered over the head of his cock, and Kaidan almost forgot to breathe as he waited. She licked once around the crown, dipped her tongue in the slit tasting his precum, then slowly closed her lips around his shaft.

Kaidan hissed, watching her mouth stretch over his cock as it disappeared between her full, wet lips. His thigh muscles tensed as he fought the urge to pump into her sexy mouth, but even so, he couldn't stop the twitch of his hips. Shepard's eyes lifted to his, and he could see the satisfied gleam in them. She took him to the back of her throat, then sucked hard as she moved upwards, her cheeks hollowing out, as her tongue twined around his length.

Shepard's body jerked and her eyes widened as she felt pressure against her clitoris. Her gaze darted up to meet Kaidan's; he was wearing a smug grin and there was a blue glow around him, indicating he was using his biotics. She moaned around his cock, causing vibrations to shoot down to his balls. Fuck, much more of this and it was going to be over way too soon for his liking. He gave a gentle tug on her hair and she moved off his cock with a slight pop.

"You're still wearing way too many clothes." His smile was completely carnal as he watched Shepard pull off the rest of her garments, letting them drop to the floor in a heap. She gave a pointed look at Kaidan's lower half. Getting the hint, he lifted his hips and slid his trousers down. Shepard pulled his boots and socks off, then the trousers, until he was sitting there in all his naked glory.

They both took a moment to take in the view, then Kaidan reached forward and grabbed Shepard, pulling her on top of him. She straddled his lap, sighing as his heated length pressed against her swollen, slick lips. Kaidan's hands stroked down her back, before taking a firm hold on her ass and grinding against her. " I've missed you so much, Shepard." He started sucking up a mark on her neck as he muttered, "God, I've been such an idiot."

She chuckled as she answered, "Yes, but you're my idiot, Kaidan." She nipped his ear lobe, then sucked away the sting, before continuing, "Besides, I was no better." She leaned back and framed Kaidan's face with one hand, stroking along his cheekbone. He leaned into the touch, then turned his head slightly and kissed her palm. "I think we can both agree we could have handled this better." Shepard nodded as Kaidan closed the distance, pressing his mouth to hers in a desperate kiss. Shepard's hand carded through his thick black hair, pulling slightly as her desire spiked.

Breaking the kiss, she whispered against his lips, "Make love to me, Kaidan." As she spoke she lifted her body, Kaidan didn't need to be told twice. Taking his cock in hand, he guided it to Shepard's wet pussy. At the feel of his crown nudging her entrance, she lowered herself down, not stopping until he was balls deep inside her. A groan rumbled through Kaidan's chest as her hot, tight muscles massaged his cock. Then she moved, slowly building the pleasure, gripping his dick with her inner muscles every time she lifted her hips.,

Shepard gasped as Kaidan's mouth found it's way to a nipple. His lips pulled tight at the aching bud, as his tongue stroked over her areola. Her other breast ached to be touched in the same way, and she was about to point this out to him, but he was already moving to take care of the neglected nipple. Each tug of his lips seemed to send little shocks to her pelvic muscles and her rhythm faltered as she tried to keep the pace slow. Then his fingers stroked her clitoris and all thought of slow and gentle went out the window. Shepard went wild, riding his cock in a hard and fast motion.

Kaidan's head dropped back, the tendons in his neck standing out as waves of desire crashed over him. Fuck, he needed to move, to thrust into her! With a quick adjustment he had Shepard on her back, pounding his cock deep inside her, while grinding against her sensitive little nub. Their breathing was rough and coming in short gasps, and Kaidan knew that neither of them was going to last much longer. He leaned forward, feeling Shepard's nipples pressing against his chest as he nuzzled at her neck. "I love you, Shepard. I've always loved you."

"Kaidan..." It was all she could manage before the climax hit her. Her back arched, and her body tightened around Kaidan. The pressure on his cock was too much and Kaidan shouted as he thrust deep with each spurt of his seed, one hand gripping Shepard's thigh in a bruising hold. He slumped against her, enjoying the post orgasmic bliss and just catching his breath.

When he could feel some strength returning to his limbs, he picked up Shepard and carried her to the shower. They took their time washing each other, lazily playing under the hot spray of water, but they were both too exhausted to take it any further.

They crawled into bed, and as Kaidan pulled the sheet over their bodies he heard Shepard mumble, "Gotta love make up sex." Kaidan took her chin and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "Does that mean you've forgiven me?" She smiled, "As long as you forgive me." His mouth covered hers in a passionate kiss that took her breath away. As they settled back down, Shepard pressed a kiss to Kaidan's chest.

"Kaidan?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too."

That earned her another breathtaking kiss, and soon after they fell asleep tangled together.

The room was eerily quiet, pitch black, and filled with the stink of rotting flesh. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she understood the reason for the smell. There were dismembered body parts everywhere; arms, legs, torsos and heads. Shepard watched with wary eyes as a Keeper walked over and picked up a helmet. The visor flipped up revealing the face of Kaidan. His eyes slowly opened, revealing a bright circle of blue instead of the usual golden amber. She watched in horror as the skin blackened into the twisted flesh of a husk. "Help me." His voice called to her and Shepard took a step forward, then his mouth opened again, only this time it let out a snarling, screaming sound that hurt her ears.

She scrambled backwards, falling in her haste to get away. Her hands slipped in something dark and slimy. She turned in an effort to get up and found herself only looking into the decaying face of Anderson. A hand grabbed her leg, she screamed and pushed it away, only then noticing that it belonged to Ashley.

Shepard awoke with a start, a scream trapped in her throat, her skin damp with sweat. Looking over she saw Kaidan sleeping peacefully and let out a small sigh of relief. Quietly, she climbed out of bed and padded over to the bathroom. Resting her hands on the sink, her head hanging down, she fought to push the nightmare images away. Sometimes she wondered if the aftermath was actually worse than the war they'd fought. At least then she'd had something to focus on, a goal that kept her going. Now... now she only had time on her hands. Time to remember the deaths, time to wonder if she could have done things better.

She choked back a sob, refusing to give into the grief that threatened to overwhelm her. Shepard's knuckles turned white as she gripped the sink hard. She wouldn't be weak and give in, she needed to be strong for her crew.

Large hands covered hers, and a familiar body pressed against her back. Warm breath fanned over her neck as Kaidan's deep soothing tones reached her ears. "It's all right, Shepard, you can let go here, with me." She shook her head, her throat tightening with emotion.
"You can't keep this bottled up, love. Be strong for the crew, but be yourself with me." The first tears rolled down her cheeks, hitting the sink and sliding down the steel bowl.

Then she turned and reached blindly for Kaidan. His arms closed around her, enveloping Shepard in his comforting scent and presence, as her body shook with the strength of the sorrow she'd been holding back.
Kaidan didn't whisper platitudes; what was there to say? He knew what she'd been through, the guilt she carried, the memory of each of those lost under her command. He knew that only time would heal these wounds, but it made it no easier to see the woman he loved in pain. When he felt the tremors ease up and her breathing even out, he lifted her chin and brushed a kiss across her lips. Then he leaned over, grabbed a wash cloth, ran it under the warm water and wiped the tear tracks from Shepard's face.

Picking her up, he tucked her into his chest as he carried her back to bed. As they drew closer he felt Shepard tense in his arms, taking a glance at her face he noticed she was staring at the bed as though expecting a thresher maw to jump out of it. "Shepard?"
She let him know to put her down, and as soon as her feet hit the floor she was moving towards the couch. "I'm not really tired, I'll just read for a while." Kaidan grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him. "Nightmares?"
She let out a sigh then gave a small nod as answer.
"Have you spoken to anyone about what you went through since you got back on the Normandy?"

She lifted her head, giving him an exasperated look. "Who would I talk to, Kaidan?" He felt guilt slice through him; if he hadn't been so caught up in his own issues, she could have talked to him. He felt a sharp sting against his arm and looked down to see Shepard glaring at him. "Don't, Kaidan. Even if you had been there I wouldn't have spoken. Hell, even now I don't know what to tell you."

He moved them back to the bed and this time Shepard didn't resist. When they were comfortable he told her, "Start wherever you want to, tell me whatever you want. It's just you and me."
Her body tensed as she remembered those moments running to the beam, seeing Kaidan hurt. She shuddered, and minutes passed in silence, then she spoke, haltingly at first, but soon words were tumbling out as she told him everything, even the nightmares. They spoke long into the night, Kaidan listening for the most part, but offering comfort and advice when it was needed.

When she had finished Shepard lay there against Kaidan, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Tilting her head back she kissed his chin. "Thank you for listening, I don't know what I would do without you."

His hand loving stroked her hair. "You'll never have to find out."

Shepard smiled as her eyelids closed, realising that in the aftermath there was a ray of hope amidst the darkness, a new beginning. For the first time in what felt like forever, she slept peacefully.