Over and Over
Chapter Two
Francis wondered often when this had lost control. The thought was, however, arbitrary and flittered into the fog clouding his judgment in moments. He lost himself.
Later, he would wonder if he could say he was happy. Would he be lying if he said he was happy, the way things were? He couldn't really call it wondering. He knew he wasn't happy. But, he would decide for the fourth time that week, that was okay. The tears drying on his cheeks would tell otherwise. The empty wine bottles and broken glass would tell otherwise. The clothing thrown angrily into the washing machine would tell otherwise. They always did.
He would resolve to not let this go on. His resolve would shrivel and die in his throat the next night. The knock on his door would weaken his defences, begin erasing his prepared speech and the smile behind the door shattered the walls every time.
He wasn't happy. He wondered if he would be happier without this. He wondered if he could be happy. He doubted it. Sometimes the thought made him feel cheap, made him feel used, made him feel betrayed. Every morning the feelings returned. He would sigh and spend too long in a too hot shower trying to wash away the memories of fading years and foggy weeks. Every morning.
Sometimes, though, he felt nothing in the mornings. On those mornings he would call his two best friends and they would rush to his house. They never asked, or tried deliberately to make him feel better. They would talk and laugh. They would be carefree, though none of the three ever really were. The lie would make him feel better. The smiles would make him forget for a time.
But the memory of the night before always came back the moment the two left. They would rush back, a flood to drown him and pull him away from the shambles he had let his life become. It would be all he could do to keep hold of himself. Every time.
He sighed, and his eyes flickered open. He curled into a ball as he watched the door close once again and whispered to the wood.
"When did we come to this?"