I own nothing-Louise Rennison does,lucky duck !

Praise My PANTS, In Whom My Girly Bits Flow

Monday,September 19th

8.15a

Up a bit earlier than usual.I want to make sure Jas doesn't get to Stalag 14 without me.

I want to know how Jazzy Spazzy is going to carry on her campaign of ignorez-vousing me when I refuse to me ignore-voused.

8.25a

Thar she blows !

She senses I am here and she is putting a bit of speed on.

8.29a

Aaah,I have got her into my bottom is waggling only meters in front of me.I am going to do my world-renowned speed walking.

8.32a

My nose is a centimeter away from the back of her beret.

She is still pretending i am invisible girle,but she must be able to hear me panting.

I pulled out a Jammy Dodger and held it in front of her loves a Jammy Dodger.

8.35a

Even when I ate the Jammy Dodger walking backwards in front of her she didn't even slow down.

OK I am going in.

I leapt on her unexpectedly and pulled her beret right down over her even then she kept marching on like nothing was only when she crashed into the postman,who was bending over filling his sack,that she had to stop and take her beret off.

The postman went bonkers and shouted at her to stop "playing silly buggers !"

I have said this before and I will say it again,how come anyone who puts a badge on goes immediately insane?

And,anyway,why do they need a badge?

A badge that says 'postman' or 'caretaker'.

Don't they know who they are?

I took advantage of the brouhaha and stepped in front of to eyeball.

i said "Jazzy,it's me,your old pally."

She was all red and her fringe looked like a tumble-dried ferret.

She said 'I know it's you.I know it's you because everytime anything happens or someone is shouting,you'll be around."

I kicked her in the shin and went in.

How can she say that to me? It's not MY fault.I'm just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

All the tme.

Assembly

When I got to Assembly I sat in my usual spot next to her, but she made Rosie switch her,so now I have to listen to her mad ramblings.

And today's song "Old 100 (Praise God From Whom All My Blessings Flow), aka Old 100 (Praise My PANTS,In Whom My Girly Bits Flow") allowed excellent comedic work.

R.E.

What is it with Mis Wilson? She's obsessed with the camping trip when she,I think deliberately,exposed herself to Herr Kamyer in the shower.

And now I think she's gone sex mad.

I said to Rosie "Is she wearing lippy?Or has she just eaten a Strawberry Mivvy?"

Rosie was making a little beard for her pencil case so she was a bit 'busy',but she took the trouble to look up and said 'Most people wear lippy on their lips,not on their nostrils and at least she is giving it a go."

I wish she wasn't 'giving it a go'.

We were having to discuss the Song of Songs from the Bible, about some old ancient bloke who was a king and a ye olde handmaiden type person.I think it's mostly about snogging,but not as we know it.I said to Jools,"What does 'he put his hand on my lock' mean when it's at home?"

Jools said "Ask her."

I had nothing else to do,and Miss Wilson would go boring on if I didn't interrupt I had done all I could to pass the time,even my toenails,sooo...

I put my hand ,actually,I put them both up as a sort of an orangutan.

I said "Miss Wilson,if we translated ye olde Bible into modern language-you know,that made sense-well,what number on the Snogging Scale would 'he put my hand on my lock' be?"

Miss Wilson went sensationally red,nearly as red as her nostrils and chin.

"Well,Georgia,erm,yes,that is interesting...yes,make a connection between biblical love and rituals and so forth,and,erm,modern vocabulary,erm..."

Rosie put aside her beard because we sensed a comedic all stared at Miss Wilson's bob.

We were not disappointed The bob was in full bob.

Geogoggers

Every time the class door opens my heart jumps, thinking it's Masimo here to sweep me off my feet.

And every single time I'm disappointed in the form of Slim.

Hells Balls, even Slim should be disappointed in her form.

She actually has less of a form,and more of a blob-shape.

She's like the Blob.

A big,shouty blob.

2 Minutes Later

Drew a picture of Miss Slim as The Blob, devouring Stalag 14.

I gave it to Rosie to pass round the Ace Gang, but when it came to Jas she read it, then frowned.

I thought for one horrible moment that she was going to show it to Miss Simpson , but instead she wrote a note on it and passed the picture back to me.

The note said

"Georgia-

You should really spend more time on your studies and less time on such childish things.I am not going to let you copy off me forever (yes,I know you do it); what are you going to do when we're in separate unis?

I'm sorry about this weekend-I forgot how visual and selfish you are. If you can, can we meet at the park swings after school?I need to go over something with you anyways.

Jasmine"

I wonder what she wants to talk about?

I tried to ask her a few times but each time she just stared pointedly at Miss Simpson.

I even said to her "Careful,you stare to much and you may put her on the turn." and she still ignored me, though she did turn pink round the earlobes so I know she heard me.

I wonder what she could possibly have to say to me?

Break

Ok, Jas can't ignore me forever.

Not only will my homework suffer, because I always end up copying off of her whether she knows it or not,but also I have no one to talk to about Masimo.

Rosie only wants to discuss her wedding plans (she's decided she's going to wear a furry garter),Jools is moping about,wondering of Declan likes her for a snog or more,and I can't talk it over with Ellen because once again,Dave is somewhat involved, and Ellen is still depressed over this whole Dave-and-Emma thing ,and they've been dating for,like, a MONTH now (Dave the Laugh and Emma have, not Dave the Laugh and Ellen...or Emma and ).

I feel like if I don't go out and talk to SOMEONE,ANYone about my situation,I may very well implode.

2 Minutes Later

Found myself,sadly, hanging round the loos hoping the titches will come by.

What is this world coming to,when I actually WANT to talk to the little ginger knobettes?

Did see them though,and I had to go back up the two flights of stairs to class.

And what's more,I snagged my new tights.

I don't even know why I bothered putting them on. It 's not as if Masimo is going to show up in the middle of class, say "I am sorry , Caro, I was a-stupid and I love you." and sweep me off my feet,and we drive off into the sunset to Roma.

2 Minutes Later

Well, drive, then ferry over, as there's an ocean thing in the way.

But still.

It won't happen.

German

It's not often that we get two comedy opportunities for the price of one,but happy days here we are.

Herr Kamyer had hardly any time to adjust his knitted tie before Rosie started.

"Herr Kamyer,we just had a sehr interesting talk with Miss Wilson.

Herr Kamyer was blinking through his glasses in a kindly and interested 's tragic said "Oh,ja?"

Rosie said "Ja,it is sehr sehr interesting .it was from the der German Bible vast ist -"

Herr Kamyer said "Der word fur Bible in German is-"

Rosie said "Vat der German Bible vas ist der translation fur 'he put his handchen on my lock'?"

Herr Kamyer looked like a goldfish in a knitted sweater .

He said "I'm afraid I do not know dis expression."

I said "It is int der Bible,Herr Kamyer,int der Song of ist about der Knutschen!"

Rosie was in her own German snogging world by now.

She said "Would it be Abschiedskuss?"

I said "Or perhaps AUF'S GANZE GEHEN !"

The Park

As the last bell rang there was a mad dash to the gates.I hung behind walking slowly to put on emergency makeup just in case Masimo showed (oo-er),but he wasn't waiting for me.

I must have looked miffed because Ro-ro put her arm round my shoulders "He'll ring. He 'd be a dim git not to." which made me feel better some.

When we got to the park,Jas was already there,sitting on the swings with her head down.

I thought she might be sleeping so I crept up really quietly behind her to scare her,but just when I was centimeters away Jas said,without looking up "Don't even think about,Gee."

I went around and sat on the swing next to I could see what she was working on -she was building a mini teepee out of sticks.

She was playing with sticks like a fringey thrush.

Tres mad.

I almost said that, that she was a nutter for playing with twigs, but then I remembered she was here to tell me something so I said instead as interestedly as I could, "What's that for?"

She looked round at me "For mine and Tom's camp-over next weekend."

I said "I don't think you two will fit in it. Isn't it a bit small?" and she gave me a Look. You know the kind, mums are especially good at them.

At any rate she gave me the Look,then went on "It's a model for the teepee we'll be staying in together."

"Oo-er"

She looked at me "Wot?"

"You're going to spend the night,together?"

"Yes,so?"

"Oo-er!"

She set her twig teepee down and turned to look at me in the swing "Georgia, what ARE you going on about?"

"Well, you are going to be spending the night together in a small space over the night. Isn't that a bit like a minibreak?"

Jas thought for a bit,which was a bit scary if you ask me.

She said slowly "I guess it is, sort 's your point?"

"Well,it's like..you know..."

Oh good Lord not this.

Jas raised an eyebrow "Are you turning into Ellen?"

I playfully shoved her. "Shut your gob.I was just thinking...isn't minibreaks for rest and relaxation and...trouser snake dancing?"

Jas turned red and let go of the swing to clap her hands over her mouth,making her fall backward off her swing,her skirt going over her head exposing her ginormous pantibus to the world.

A bunch of Foxwood 'just happened' to pass by at that moment,and started calling over to us.

I had to jump up and pull Jas to her feet, no easy task as she weighs about as much as an elephant. And even then the boys were still yelling out things like "Give her a snog!" and "Show us your nunga-nungas!"

I turned to give them two fingers but that just made them laugh harder.

At that time Dave walked saw me and stopped,looked at me,at the Foxwood boys hooting and carrying on, then at Jas on the ground.

He squared his shoulders and said "Right, who wants it first?"
The Foxwooders came and sort of formed a ring around us, like a pack of horny, deranged wolves,staring at Dave.

I've got a bad feeling about this,like I did the time right before the Fisticuffs at Dawn fiasco happened.

3 Minutes Later

They're all still standing here,sizing each other up.

I don't think I've ever seen Dave not blink so long before.

This is honestly scaring me a bit,plus the cold is making me have to go to the Piddly Diddly Department badly.

2 Minutes Later

Maybe I should say something...

I opened my mouth to say something to Dave but then the biggest one with the biggest lurker I've ever seen on the end of his chin said "Give 'e the one with the big jugs and we won't hav'ta kick your arse.",meaning ME, and Dave punched him in the mouth.

Lurker Boy stood there in a reached a hand up to his mouth and looked at the blood on his hand,sort of foggy-eyed for a second then said "Right, this is getting boring. Le's go Lads." and they all turned and walked off.

Dave punched someone for me again!

Well,actually he did it for Jas and me,but mainly for me because they were talking about MY breasty business,not Jas'.

Anyways, Dave patted Jas on the back "Are you OK?"

Jas said "Yes." and Dave looked at me "Alright?"
I smiled at him and said "Alrighty as,er,two things."

This sort of mesmerized Dave because he stopped and stared at me for the longest time,and it felt like everything was slowing down,like when we're about to snog.I even felt my lips start puckering up on their own but then I heard, like far away through fog, the voice of the fly in the ointment in the form of Emma "There you are,Davey!"

I quickly turned my lip-puckering into whistling and Dave looked at me a bit oddly until I realized I was whistling a Rolf Harris song.

I stopped.

Emma bounded over like the great bounder she is and gave Dave a peck on the cheek.

I noticed she tried to kiss him on the corner of the mouth but at the last second Dave turned his head, tee hee hee.

"Hello everyone! Brilliant seeing you again Gee!"

Really ?Is it?

I didn't say that-I just I smiled and nodded with my mouth shut.I know how my lips tend to go on holiday on their own and say things without me even realizing I was saying them.

And what's more I could feel the words "Bounder" and "Useless" forming on them, the two best words to describe Emma.

25 Minutes Later

Emma is still standing here chattering away like a mad canary about homework ("Isn't it exciting!) and how lovely the sky was and blah blah blah.

The more I stand here the more I can feel my lips wanting to say "daft' and "drip" .

I elbowed Jas. She looked at me and I jerked my head in the direction of my road.

At first she didn't get it, so I had to open my eyes really wide,look at Emma and Dave then jerk my head home-wards about a million times until I thought my head was going to fall off, before she got the idea.

Walking Home

We walked on in silence for a bit until we got to Jas' gate.

She stopped in front and looked at me,not saying anything.

25 Seconds Later

She is still standing here, what is this,Staring Day?

12 Seconds Later

I tried to stare back at her without blinking but it made my eyes water like mad.

"No matter how much you stare at me,I'm not going to do any tricks."

Jas sighed and said "You are so dim!",shook her head and went into her house leaving me on the pavement,once again in the Valley of Confusion.

Again.