FlickeringLights on AO3 unknowingly challenged me. Their review, "For an anime that makes the Mafia sound like a cracktastic wild ride, "Bite to Death" has unfortunately been the only humorous Zombie!AU I've read in this fandom. So, yes, go forth and write the funniest zombie!AU you can imagine! All my blessings, five billion kudos and all the pocky Ryouhei can bait zombies with!" made me wanna make this complete crack.
So if you were expecting a serious Zombie AU, sorry. I've decided to roll down the horrible, not-funny-to-anyone-but-me path.
Enjoy.
"We should find Onii-san and Kyouko-chan," Tsuna commented, turning away from the corpses littering the ground.
"Good idea Tsuna," Takeshi laughed, swinging his baseball bat up to bounce off his shoulder. "Let's go." Takeshi stepped over a severed head, humming under his breath as Hayato gave him a disgusted look.
"Jyuudaime," Hayato called as he followed after the two, Reborn hopping onto Hayato's shoulder as Takeshi led them down the stairs again. "I really don't think it's a good idea. To leave the roof, I mean. It's a good idea to find the turf-top and his sister - not abandon them and-"
"Gokudera-kun," Tsuna turned to Hayato. "Shut up. I get it." Takeshi cut down a zombie that lunged at them, Hayato tugging Tsuna back by the collar to avoid blood splatters. "Let's just find Onii-san and Kyouko-chan and get the heckie outta here."
Hayato and Takeshi stopped, both of them turning to Tsuna with raised eyebrows. Tsuna blinked back at them.
"Did you...did you just say heckie?" Takeshi asked, his lips twitching into a smile. Tsuna's cheeks reddened and Hayato turned his head away to cough into his fist, his own lips pulled into a wide smile.
"Shut up! Come on, this is no time to make fun of me!" Takeshi sombered at Tsuna's words, turning back to face the front. They continued on, passing by their classroom. Tsuna peeked in, seeing it empty.
"Should we try to find survivors?" Tsuna asked as he waddled to catch up with Hayato and Takeshi, Reborn's sharp eyes tracing the hallways for any twitching bodies.
"Rule One of Horror Movies: Never look for survivors. They end up leading you to your death," Hayato intoned from behind Tsuna, pulling out a pocket-sized notepad. "Rule Two: Never split up. That's just fucking stupid. Rule Three: All mildly attractive females will be used as lures to sexually appeal those who find gore to not be their thing. They also will never have a decent badass scene. What's-so-ever."
"What are you reading and where did you get these rules?" Tsuna asked as Takeshi laughed, the sound bouncing uncomfortably down the eerily silent hallway. Blood smeared the walls and the ground was littered with corpses.
No doubt a certain Skylark had already been through.
"Internet and Tumblr," Hayato answered. Tsuna squeaked as a zombie threw itself out of a classroom, its mouth wide open to chomp down on Tsuna's arm.
"Fuck no!" Tsuna shrieked and smashed the metal pipe into the zombie's head. It went down with a slump.
The four just stared for a moment before Takeshi turned an impressed expression to Tsuna.
"I have the power," Tsuna whispered lowly to himself and Takeshi's impressed look crumbled into a mildly concerned one.
"ANATA MO WATASHI MO POCKY TO THE EXTREME!"
BOOOOM!
The school building shook, Tsuna falling into Takeshi's side as the very foundation nearly crumbled from the impact. Tsuna looked out one of the shattered windows, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Was...was that Onii-san?" Tsuna asked, turning to his friends.
"Sure sounded like that loud-mouth," Hayato gruffed and peered out the window. He spotted a flash of white and blinked at the sight of Ryohei running from a horde of zombies, Kyouko and Hana thrown over his shoulders and gripping onto his uniform shirt for dear life as he continued to scream the same phrase over and over again.
"Ah, they're alive," Tsuna breathed out as Reborn mentally face-palmed as he watched the boxer use one fist to punch a few zombies into the air a good few yards. "Should we go down to them?"
"TSUNA!" Kyouko, who had twisted her body around to look in front of them, screamed at the sight of her friends in the window.
"Guess that's a yes," Tsuna mumbled and slid the door open, peering down at the three stories he'd fall.
"Tsuna," Takeshi's voice was slightly strained. "No."
"Don't you dare," Hayato hissed as he round-house kicked a zombie away from them, a bullet burying into its temple before its back could hit the ground. "Jyuudaime, no."
"Gotta blast!" Tsuna waved and threw himself out of the window, Hayato's strangled cry making Ryohei jerk his head up to see Tsuna free-falling towards them.
A blur of black and Tsuna was sent tumbling, arms wrapped around his waist and shoulders as a heavy weight settled on top of him. Tsuna wheezed as the weight lifted, Tsuna cracking his eye open to see a black pompadour bobbing in his face.
"Sawada-kun, suicide is not the answer," Kusukabe gasped, pulling Tsuna up from the ground just as the dramatic piano keys of Kyouya's theme sound drifted into the clearing.
"I'll bite you to death," Kyouya's growl echoed and Tsuna blinked as he came in as a flurry of black and flashing metal, corpses lying at his feet as Ryohei settled Kyouko and Hana onto the ground. All of them were unable to look away from him as Kyouya literally slaughtered the former students.
"Look at him go," Kusakabe spoke as he wiped a stray tear from his eye. "He looks so majestic, slaughtering all those zombies." Tsuna just stared as Reborn popped out of a hidden doorway from the wall, Hayato and Takeshi following with dazed looks on their faces. "This is the only time Kyou-san can kill people without the risk of being arrested."
"Wait, why do you make it sound like he's murdered before?" Tsuna asked. Everyone ignored him in favor of turning to Ryohei, who was rummaging through his pockets.
"EXTREME! HIBARI USE THE POCKY! ZOMBIES LIKE POCKY!" Ryohei threw the box of pocky at Kyouya, who smacked it away with his tonfa. It bounced off the head of a moaning zombie.
"Zombies don't eat pocky, Ryohei! They eat people! We're people! They eat us! Not everything you see on TV is real, dumbass!" Hana, completely fed up with Ryohei's antics and covered in blood of her fallen classmates, was having none of his shit.
"Onii-chan, we talked about this," Kyouko sighed loudly. "That commercial was fake."
Kyouya caved another head in. Tsuna looked up at the sunny sky, it's bright colors and warm sunshine mocking them.