Mercury!
"I hate Astronomy," Harry groaned as they climbed the final steps up to the Astronomy Tower. "I can never focus late at night."
"Just drink a Pepper-Up Potion," suggested Hermione as she set up her telescope at her favorite stargazing station. She had her frizzy hair tied back from her face in a French braid; behind her, Malfoy was holding a pot of ink and trying to subtly dip the ends of her hair. "Or some coffee."
"I hate coffee," Ron offered unhelpfully. "Oi, Malfoy, get away from her."
"Settle down, class," Professor Sinistra said, coming to the center of the Astronomy Tower and clapping her hands. "Pull out your starcharts. We will be mapping the solar system tonight. Now, last week, some of you turned in starcharts with constellations included." She glanced at Hermione, who turned pink. "That will not be necessary. I want you to focus on the planets only for this lesson. Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, et cetera. The faster you finish, the faster you will be allowed to return to your dormitories for bed. So I suggest you stop fooling around, Mr. Malfoy" - Malfoy hastily pulled Hermione's hair out of the ink pot and hid it behind his back - "and get to work."
"That stupid annoying jerk," Hermione seethed, pulling her braid around to assess the damage. Nearly half of it was soaked in ink. "I'll get him back someday, I swear."
"If you want revenge, I know just the people you need to speak to," Ron said.
"Thank you, Ronald, but I am not asking the twins for help. I'll never live it down. I've got to do this on my own."
"Fine." Ron shrugged and leaned over his telescope. "But just so you know, they're better at this kind of thing than you are."
"Hang on," Harry said. One eye was jammed into his telescope, forcing his glasses to lie askew. "There's something wrong here."
"What is it, Harry?"
"It's Mercury. It's missing."
"From your starchart, you mean?" Hermione asked.
"No, from the sky."
"What?" Hermione positioned her telescope and took a look. "You're right! Harry, I - this doesn't make any sense." And she thrust her hand into the air.
"Yes, Miss Granger?" Professor Sinistra asked.
"Professor, I don't see Mercury. It's not in its proper place in the sky."
"So it isn't, Miss Granger."
"But, Professor . . . what does that mean?"
"Maybe it's covered by a cloud," Ron suggested.
"No, there aren't any clouds tonight," Harry said, squinting into the telescope again.
"Maybe it's just not very bright tonight."
"I dunno, Ron, it's usually plenty bright."
"Maybe someone stole it."
"Ron," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "How could someone steal Mercury?"
"Yes," Professor Sinistra said softly, pulling a tiny orb from the pocket of her robes. "How, indeed?"
"Professor?" Hermione leaned closer to see the orb. "Is that - is that Mercury?"
"Shrunken down to a fraction of its original size, yes," Professor Sinistra said lovingly.
"You - you stole a planet?"
"Haven't you ever wondered why Sinistra sounds so similar to sinister?" Professor Sinistra snapped. "Of course I stole a planet! I'm a Death Eater!" She pulled up her sleeve to reveal a crudely-drawn Dark Mark.
"That's not a Dark Mark," Malfoy drawled. "My father has one, I would know."
"I'm working on earning a real one," Sinistra fired back. "I've been sleeping with the Dark Lord for months now, he'll give in soon for sure! Especially now that I'm going to bring him Mercury!"
"I'm confused," Harry said. "Why would the Death Eaters - "
"Not a Death Eater," Malfoy interjected.
" - want Mercury?"
"So we can gain control of Pigfarts, of course, and built an army of young wizards!" Sinistra threw back her head and laughed.
"Pigfarts?" Harry asked.
"It's an intergalactic wizardry school," Hermione explained. "Only it's not on Mercury, it's on Mars."
Sinistra stopped laughing. "It's on Mars?"
"Yes."
"Are you certain?"
"Yes."
Sinistra pulled a scrap of parchment out of her robes. "No, right here in my orders, it says, 'Take control of Pigfarts on planet M. and . . . oh."
"M for Mars," Harry said. "Not Mercury."
Sinistra looked crestfallen. "I suppose I've made a terrible mistake, then."
"Yes." Harry drew his wand. "Expelliarmus!"
Mercury flew out of Sinistra's hand. Harry reached up and caught it as if it were a Snitch. "Engorgio," he said, and the planet began to enlarge. He used a Banishing Charm to send it back to its position in the sky, and then made a quick note of it on his starchart. "Finished," he said, holding up his assignment. "I'm off to bed, finally. Night, everyone." He started for the stairs. "And Malfoy, stop dipping Hermione's hair in your ink."
Malfoy grinned sheepishly. "I can't help it," he said when Hermione turned to him, eyes flashing. "It's my immature, boyish way of flirting with you, because I'm too afraid of rejection, either from you or from the rest of my peers, to admit how I really feel!"
Hermione took the inkpot out of his hands and dumped it unceremoniously over his blonde head. "That was me admitting how I really feel," she said, following Harry down the stairs. Malfoy began to cry.
"Erm," Ron said, looking around nervously. "Is anyone going to do anything about Professor Sinistra?"
But just as he said it, Voldemort himself appeared at the top of the Tower and screamed, "Avada Kedavra!" at the teacher. "That's the punishment for impersonating a Death Eater," he snapped at her newly dead body. "Just because we were sexually involved doesn't change the fact that your application was rejected. You had no right to go around pretending to be my follower!"
He looked up and gasped as he noticed his audience of fifth-years for the first time. "Oh, hello, Draco," he said, waving to Malfoy. "I'd love to chat, but I've got more people to kill. See you next weekend at your father's Christmas banquet!" And he disappeared.
"Well," Ron said with a shrug. "I suppose there's no need to finish my starchart, then, if Sinistra's dead." And he ripped his assignment in half, stepped over the teacher's body, and joined his friends down below.
[Crackfic Challenge: Randomitus - Mercury]
[100 Prompts: "If you want revenge then I know just the people you need to speak too." "No, I am not asking the Weasley Twins for help. I'll never live it down." "Fine, but so you know, they're better at this than you are."; "Stupid annoying jerk!"]
[Hook A Prompt: Row 1 - Harry Potter]
[Collect A Collection Competition: Ron Weasley (Weasley Family); Location Prompt: Astronomy Tower]
[12 Days of Christmas Style Challange: Three crack pairings - Sinistra/Voldemort, 1/3 ]