Chapter 1

(thank you for all the lovely prologue comments, means so much to know there's interest in this idea! I always take suggestions and like hearing from everyone. I will do my best to PM all of the accounts that review and guest reviewers, I read and value what you have to say! hope you enjoy the first chapter)

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It had not been an hour Ethan wished to repeat.

The train late, the heavens opening, a squabble between passengers, a loud A3 poster with 'breast is best' in bold (as if Delilah had a choice). Best of all, awkward stares from a congregation of mothers, elegantly poised and prettily sipping from mugs, with perfect silent children, on knees or in highchairs, as he awkwardly manoeuvred the pushchair to a little dirty table in the corner by the window in the coffee shop they arrived at. Central meeting place, between where his 'love at first tap' date and he lived.

'Let me just wipe this for you.' A waitress enthused, leaning over and emanating a vomit-inducing, cheap perfume. It was as if he was conditioned to be nauseated at any fragrance that wasn't La Vie est Belle, the one she wore.

Ethan tried not to breathe, but when she took longer than he thought, he exhaled rather noisily. She stopped, pulled a funny expression and left. With a grim sigh, he gently removed his glasses and wiped at the lenses with the cuff of his woollen jumper.

After placing them back on and composing himself for a second, he looked down into the pushchair.

Delilah stared, blinking back up at him. Her little arms were stiff, unmoving, pointed out horizontally in front of her in a comical fashion. It was October and it was chilly; Ethan had figured bundling her up in as many layers as he could find was only sensible.

'Let's take that off you, you're looking a bit pink.' He told her, as if she was really listening and would remotely care about being such a colour. Leaning forwards, he deftly unbuckled her, pulled off the bobble hat and peeled her out of the dotty 3-in-1 raincoat and the fleece underneath it, leaving her in an endearing lemon and blue striped onesie - the one that Max once said made her look like a boy - and nothing more.

'Shall we go and buy a drink?' He asked into the open. Delilah stared again, before lunging forwards and reaching a tiny index finger towards his lips. 'You want to know what daddy's saying? Do you?' He cooed.

Several women were now clasping their hands to their chest, simpering smiles plastered over their faces. He noticed out the corner of his eye with silent satisfaction. 'Come on then, let's go get a drink.'

He confidently walked over to the counter, baby clinging to his hip with podgy fingers splayed over his broad shoulder.

'Uh, right then.' He jiggled his daughter slightly, more out of nerves than anything else. 'What's it to be, Lilah?'

He mused over the menu. One upside to raising his daughter alone, he soon realised, was that there was no one to tell him no. Such a mentality was freeing - he didn't have to account to anyone else. It gave him a sense of autonomy and confidence.

'How about a babycino?' He looked at his daughter again, as if to consult her. Her green eyes, which were noticeably and, in his opinion, adorably too close together, were unfocused on him and more interested in the bright lights above the counter.

'Isn't she a bit-' The woman behind the till begun, dubiously.

'A bit what?' Ethan snapped, defensive to his detriment. 'It's only warm milk.'

'A-a bit young, it's cow's milk, but Dad knows best hey?' She replied brightly.

'Uh, sorry, I- yeah. You're right. I keep wanting her to grow up too soon. I-I forget.' He shook his head slightly. 'Just a coffee, please.' He glanced at the baby, realising she'd last had a small bottle more than several hours ago. 'Some toast would be great too. Just lightly done.'

'4.75 then please.'

Ethan handed a crisp ten pound note over, then mumbled to keep the change. Flustered, the woman refused.

'Honestly, please. I worked in hospitality when I was younger. It's hard, and you don't deserve rude customers.' He gulped.

She gave him a small smile and passed over a metal stand with a card attached. 'This is your table number, I'll bring it over, it'll be about two minutes.'

As soon as she arrived, Ethan didn't know where to put his eyes. A short playsuit, crimped hair and full face of makeup was, he felt, unusual coffee shop attire.

'H-Hi.' He tried to smile, repositioning the baby on his knee. 'You must be Lauren?'

'Hi!' The woman smiled. 'Ethan and Delilah?'

'Yes, that's us!' Ethan replied, slightly too enthusiastically, pushing the plate of crumbs to the edge of the table. She raised an eyebrow in surprise, reaching out a hand to gently pinch the baby's cheek before taking the chair opposite.

Disapprovingly, Delilah curled herself into Ethan's chest, pressing the soggy toast soldier against his best jumper. He gave an apologetic chuckle. 'She's shy of strangers. Not that you're a stranger for long, hopefully. Not that you're strange either, you seem nice, I-'

'I'll just go get a drink and join you, won't be a minute!' She giggled, seemingly unphased by his stutters, something that was rare and refreshing.

Ethan was left to wait patiently, so he dabbed at the grease stain that the butter inflicted upon the material on his chest. After realising it was futile, he gave up, and sipped his drink every so often instead. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't the nicest hot beverage he'd tasted in his thirty years of life. He felt bad for not offering to pay for Lauren's drink. However, she was the sort of fake-eyelash wearing, hair-extensions, bra-burning independent woman who 'don't need no man', as one of his drunken similar-aged patients had told him only a few days previous. And, it was the first date, so he reasoned he could stray from his gentlemanly ways and err on the side of caution.

In what seemed an incredibly short amount of time, Lauren was back. She greeted him with a laugh - it tinkling, high-pitched, the sort that was heard on soap operas from overly girly characters who usually had a job in the local pub.

'Bless her. She really is your double!'

'D'you think?' Ethan asked, looking down at the baby and back to the woman nervously.

All he could see was Alicia.

'Yeah, mirror image! It's uncanny.' She twiddled with a strand of hair, breathing out and pushing her chest forwards.

'So, uh, have you been before?' Ethan asked politely. Lauren's attention was diverted; she glanced round the shop, eyes darting from table to table almost in search of something.

'Oh? Sorry! Have I what?'

'Have you been here before?' Ethan repeated, hand resting heavily on his daughter's back.

'Oh, no. They're not really my scene! I like going out on the town more.' Lauren replied.

'Oh!' Ethan replied, finding it wryly funny that he'd already arrived at that conclusion. 'I just thought- well, I've never really tried internet dating. With having the baby, I'm restricted as to where I can go and what time. Plus, coffee shops are a good first-'

'So, you're a doctor then?' The woman asked, blinking rather too quickly for Ethan to be at ease.

'Uh, yes. Part time doctor, full time daddy to this one. It can be hard, but it's rewarding.' He gave a small smile and a nod to accompany it.

'Bet you don't struggle to clothe her and feed her.' Lauren said, gesturing towards the baby.

'No, not really.' Ethan agreed. 'Not really. Why do you ask that?'

She paused for a second. 'No, I'm just saying like. She must be lucky to have a rich daddy.'

Ethan's stomach lurched as realisation took hold.

'Yes, she's lucky, I suppose.' He mumbled plainly, with a little laugh and a shake of the head. It was oddly disappointing that the first date he should go on would be so painfully materialistic. An effort to move on and start afresh hitting him smack bang in the face. It wasn't fair.

'I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was this late. Way past this one's bedtime.' He begun, already out his chair

'Oh, it's a pity!' The woman said, though she didn't sound overly bothered and was too intent on scrolling her phone.

'Mm. Say bye bye to Lauren, Delilah.' Ethan said quietly.

'A little cuddle?' Lauren asked, outstretching her arms.

Hesitancy flashed over Ethan's face before he could disguise it. 'Uh, best not. I think. She's had a sniffle, probably still germsy.'

As he zipped the baby back into her coat and fastened the buckled of the pushchair nimbly, he berated himself for making excuses and for not standing up for himself. Still, he was Ethan. He was nice.

'Take care then.' He did an awkward sort of wave before pushing his daughter out the shop as fast as he could.

Questions buzzed round his mind as he trundled home. The last train had been cancelled, but he didn't mind the walk. He could have driven, but fuel was expensive and it was wasteful to use it when the train was cheaper. All extra money could be spent on the baby, so he was mindful about saving where possible.

It was dark and Delilah had been singing to herself for a while, babbling on until she fell asleep. He was filled with a warm fuzzy feeling in spite of the evening.

He was hopeless at dating, or his dates were always hopeless at suiting him. Nobody came close to Alicia, and when she left without a trace, she left a void. He didn't have the head space for another love.

Delilah had his heart now.

In truth, he knew being her dad made his aching feet and pounding head worth it.