Cassie found a pair of Very Expensive Designer Sunglasses in the
glove compartment and put them on. She placed her pink iPod mini in
its pink iPod mini docking type place and selected a song. Angst
spilled forth from the speakers.
"Hawthorne Heights?" guessed Dot.
"hee, no. Im tired of them. This is simple plan," said cassie. "I
just luv them. I feel like all they're songs were written 4 me."
"They're songs?" Wakko asked. "What's it like being a song?"
"Huh?" said cassie.
Dot had found a stack of semi-interesting looking papers in the
backseat, and was looking through them. On top was a letter with a
glittery logo. It said, "Sparklypoo." She read further.
"Your middle name is Ariella?" Dot asked, with whatever tone of voice
one should use to ask such a question.
"Yes. Isnt it pretty. My full name is cassie ariella mcelveen," said
cassie. "And I pronounce it el-VEN, like elven, bcause I think im
part elf."
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot sat in silence. There was simply nothing to say.
"Wouldn't u like 2 no y?" she persisted.
"No," Dot said.
Cassie was rendered momentarily speechless by this answer, and those
moments were all it took for them to arrive at the mall. "Here we r,"
said cassie. They got out of the car. They went into the mall. It was
hustling. It was bustling. It wasn't smustling, but the Sims were.
"Will you buy us things?" Wakko asked.
"No," said Cassie, uncertainly.
"If you want to be our friend, you'll buy us things," Dot said.
Cassie, in addition to magical powers and super shiny hair, had a
fairly decent memory. "I thought you didn't have friends," she said.
"I thought you did everything together as a family and only as a
family, to a nearly cultish degree."
"We're not in Dayton anymore, Toto," said Yakko.
"Huh?" said Cassie.
"Huh?" said the audience. Some of them. But some of them snickered.
It was the proverbial seperation of the sheep and the goats. The
wheat and the chaff. The 1337 from the people who typed in letters.
Those who got the joke earned themselves a pizza. And no, not the
Toto bit.
"My sister works here," said cassie, derailing the train of emotional
baggage temporarily.
Chapter Tres
The four trailed slowly into Forever XXI, though the Warner siblings were slightly confused. "Why don't they just use regular numbers for their name?" asked Wakko.
"Duh," answered cassie. "Bcause ex-ex-eye is kewler. Y use numbres win its called ex-ex-I?"
Yakko sighed and wondered why on earth they had gone anywhere with this ridiculous girl.
"These clothes are pretty ugly," observed Dot. Coco Chanel nodded in agreement from her grave. So did the gay guy working in Express Men, from his store.
cassie ignored her and pointed: "Their she is!"
What stood in front of the group was a wondrous monster conglomeration of all clothing inspired by the 1980's, on a girl's body, at the same time. Her hair was frizzier than a poodle Cesar Milan once cured of a nervous bladder. She had on approximately three shirts, all of which were of differing lengths, all of which were hideously ugly, and leggings. Clinton Kelly fainted from the horror. Justin Timberlake just cried.
cassie's monstrosity of a sister flitted to them and waved hello.
"Hi," said Dot.
"Hello," said Yakko.
"You're ugly," said Wakko.
80's Girl just waved again.
"Why won't you talk to us?" asked Dot.
"O, my sister doesnt talk," explained cassie.
"Why not?" Wakko inquired innocently.
"Bcause then ppl might expect her 2 have a personality," cassie answered.
"Oh," answered the Warner siblings in unison. Dot clarified, "Well, that makes sense." Emily Post rolled over in her grave. Isaac Mizrahi just cried.
"My sister luvs 80's cloths!" said cassie. "Shes gonna use them 2 take over the world!"
"I'm the only one with evil plans for the world!" interrupted Reese Roper, who was for some unknown reason wearing a lobster suit.
Lexi, which was the name on 80's Girl's nametag, hit her sister. "Sssh!" was all that came out of her mouth.
"Owwww!" whined cassie, and then whispered, "i guess im not sposed to talk bout that."
"Hmm" wondered the Chief on Carmen Sandiego. "That sounds suspicious, gumshoe."
"Say, that sounds suspicious," echoed Wakko to Yakko in a whisper. "I'm not sure we should trust her."
"Or her sparklypoo little sister," expanded Dot.
Suddenly, cassie had disappeared into the racks of garish clothing (though it was easy to find her, as she kept yelling, "This is kewl" or "How kute!" every five seconds. Also, her sparkly blue eyeshadow was glowing in a way that made Yakko wonder if she was radioactive) and the Warner siblings were left with Lexi, who really was a walking billboard for why the 80's went out of style. Lexi just looked at them from her seemingly permanent scowl.
"Let's get out of here," said Dot. "All of these leggings are going to give me nightmares." Stacy London nodded in agreement.
Lexi waved goodbye and Wakko, Yakko, and Dot decided to attempt to find a Macy's. Their primary goal was not only to breathe the air of sanity for a moment after filling their lungs so long with the atmosphere of misdirected teenage fashion.
While walking past the food court, Wakko realized that they had never finished eating their meal at Zhi Emaisl's House of Pancakes. "I'm still hungry," he told his family. "I got distracted by the Lost Ark."
"Well, that's Understandable," said Indiana Jones.
"Not you, too, with the Improper Capitalization!" exclaimed Yakko.
"I'm Sorry," Indiana Replied.
"THEN STOP!" said Dot, in all capitals.
"That might be worse," said Yakko.
"Oops," responded Dot.
Then, out of Nowhere, Someone said: "NARF!"
"Where did that come from?" all three siblings asked.
"I don't know," they all told each other.
Wakko stood on Yakko's shoulders and threw Dot in the air so that she could look around. "All I see is an ugly red-haired boy," Dot told him. "And his skinny girlfriend." As Dot watched, the red haired boy wandered over to a nearby table, where someone had left a jacket and a cup of Mountain Dew. He stared at it for a moment (the skinny girl was making whining type expressions with her face), then picked up the cup and jacket and continued to another table.
"He just picked up a cup and jacket and continued to another table," Dot said, feeling repetitive, and redundant. "I don't think they were his."
"He was stealing?" said Wakko.
"I think so," Dot said.
"Then we must stop him!" Yakko said, feeling righteously indignant about the whole thing. "Onward, sibs!"
They purposefully headed towards the red haired boy and his girlfriend, as triumphant music played triumphantly, the sort of music which plays triumphantly when one is Doing The Right Thing.
They took up residence at a nearby table. "How will we stop him?" Wakko asked, eyeing red haired boy and girlfriend suspiciously.
"I think this is a job for Dot," Yakko said, "And her unbearable cuteness." Dot smiled, unbearably cutely.
Dot skipped endearingly over to the table where red haired boy and girlfriend were sitting. "Excuse me,' she said, unbearably cutely.
"Yeah?" red haired boy was no Dr. Brown, but he was not initially unfriendly either. Girlfriend glowered.
"Whose jacket is that?" Dot asked, sweetly, pointing at it.
He was nothing if not honest. "It was on that table over there," he said. "People shouldn't leave them just lying around."
Dr. Brown rolled his eyes at the red haired boy. Pastor Rohm just cried.
Dot gasped a cute little gasp. "You stole it?" she said, shocked. Girlfriend fidgeted nervously, and made a show of playing with RHB's keys on the table. They jingled possessively. A shiny heart bearing the words "mine" glimmered in a jealous manner.
"Heh," chuckled RHB, who, unlike RBH, is not a former president of the United States. "Not really. Someone just left it there."
"But… but…" Dot whimpered, fighting back tears, "But isn't that steeeeeeeeaaallling?" She pouted helplessly up at him.
"Uh," he said. "Uh…"
Skinny Girlfriend dove across the table, grabbed his face, and began making out with him. Dot stared, her face a mixture of horror and mild curiosity. After a few minutes, Skinny Girlfriend detached her face from RHB's long enough to glare at Dot and snark, "He's MY boyfriend, he's TOTALLY DATING ME, he LOVES me."
"I didn't want him," Dot informed her.
While RHB did technically enjoy the making out part, he was not thrilled with the jealousy issues SG was displaying and decided to break up with her on the spot. "This Ship has sailed," he said.
Dannah Gresham nodded her approval. "I approve," she said. "After all, men are like microwaves – you'll find someone else soon. Sorry, Crockpot."
"Also," Dannah said, pausing occasionally for emphasis, "It is NOT POSSIBLE to watch a scene such as this" (she gestured at RHB and SG) "without getting –"
"GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!" said Yakko. Homeschool Girl just cried.
"What's all this bout?" asked cassie, sparkling up to them with her iridescent eyeshadow. Actually, with her iridescent everything.
"We're just witnessing a nonmutual agreement to disband a relationship," said Dot.
"O," she replied. "Look! A BOY! hes like totaly kute!"
S ex-G, who went on to have a lucrative career as the hip hop artist Sex-G, took on a demonic glow and stared at cassie. Justin Timberlake looked at her strangely. "She brought sexy back! I should write a song about her. Or maybe I should hire somebody else to write it. And sing it, and then I'll just get to lip-synch as usual."
"Your music sucks," said So!Punk!Girl, sounding as though she had just smoked enough cigarettes to keep Marlboro in business for the next year. Rachael Ray snorted and flailed nearby.
"I'm still hungry," Wakko said, remembering.
Yakko pointed at Rachael Ray.
"I'm not hungry anymore," Wakko said.
"Rude," said RHB.
"Huh?" Wakko asked.
"That was rude," RHB clarified.
"What?" Wakko asked, just to get under RHB's skin.
RHB's face started to match his nasty hair and his wolf-teeth became exposed in a snarl. "You… You…" he growled.
"Step to me, and you're gonna get dissed, homeboy," said Reese Roper, who was no longer wearing a lobster costume, but was instead a chicken. "…"
"Why are you a chicken?" asked Dot.
"I just got a job working at El Pollo Loco," Reese answered. "The cow position at Chick-Fil-A was already filled."
"Ewww," whined S ex-G. "They have fried foods there. I only eat salads. And ice cream. That's why I'm so thin."
"We have salads too," said Reese.
"Oooh," said Amberly, "I hear they have great Italian food. Actually, I think there's one by the mall."
"We're in the mall. How stupid are you?" asked RHB.
"Who's rude now?" challenged Chuck Norris.
He was ignored, however, as RHB suddenly exclaimed, "What are you DOING?" Wakko was helping himself to RHB's order of French fries.
"But you weren't eating them," Wakko said.
"Those are mine, you idiot," RHB snapped, his face turning an interesting shade of red, completely different from that of his hair.
"But you just left them here," Wakko said.
RHB went to kick Wakko in the face, but Chuck Norris round-house kicked him first. RHB whimpered.
"Im tired of just standin hear," said cassie. "Im wantin 2 look makeup."
"Whose Im?" asked SG.
"Who's Im," Yakko corrected.
"Who's he," said Wakko.
"No, who's Im?"
"Im like totaly confused write now," said cassie. "Lets go 2 sephora." And so they went to Sephora.