Song for this chapter: I Need My Girl by The National
I couldn't say exactly what it was I expected to happen after I essentially told Korynna to stay away from me, but somehow it wasn't that she would do just what I had asked of her. I had thought that Hogwarts felt empty when I no longer had Lily at my side, but it was nothing compared to the none to subtle disappearance of the last person who seemed to realize I existed.
That wasn't to say that Lucius didn't seem to know of my existence, but his no longer attending Hogwarts left me free of his cloying influence and caused certain questions to arise. Questions like what did he really want from me. When he had been in school he'd made a point to ask about my interests and engage me in actual conversation, but now the occasional letter from him spoke only of the bright future I should expect upon leaving school should I follow in his footsteps. The letters were cold, and left me feeling empty.
A feel only exacerbated by the lack of a sweet girl's eyes turning in my direction. Classes, corridors, even the grounds felt empty without her around. I did still occasionally see Korynna from time to time, but her eyes did not turn my way. It shouldn't have chaffed me so. I should have been pleased that she had taken my advice, but I wasn't. I hated to see her perched on the edge of a lake with a scrawny little Ravenclaw boy attempting to capture the beauty she presented that day down on paper.
I had snuck up behind the boy on that day in particular, looking at the colorful drawing he was creating on the parchment in front of him, but it simply didn't do her justice. He could not capture the elegant curve of her neck, or the exact shades of green that was woven through her hair that day. His image fell flat, and somehow echoed the empty feeling that was growing in my stomach. She had turned to another man, one who tried to show her how beautiful he found her by capturing her image eternally however inept his drawing might be. And she seemed to be pleased with his attempts, offering him a chaste kiss on his cheek when he presented her with the picture.
He made her feel beautiful in a way I had failed to do, and he didn't even see her properly. It made me feel like a right idiot, but there did not seem to be anything I could do about it. Rather than being an innocently oppressive influence in my life, Korynna had turned into free running water that I could not hope to capture. Any time I attempted to maneuver myself closer to her, in hopes of instigating some sort of conversation she just seemed to melt away. It made me ache.
Nearly a month after our clandestine encounter, I found myself out in the forbidden forest once more. I sat on my knees beside the dark flowers that would not bloom for another forty years lamenting the choice I had made in this very spot. I wished that Korynna was beside me though I knew it simply couldn't be. I felt ill with my stomach turning and my throat tight. I was unsure if I would cry or perhaps evict my dinner from my digestive tract.
Neither came to be however, instead in a broke voice that was heard by no one but the trees I apologized to Korynna for my stupid words. I apologized and begged for forgiveness, and I admitted to myself how badly I needed that sweet girl to be with me. It was only in her absence that I realized how at home she made me feel in a place where I was not truly wanted. She had been the only one who had wanted me and I scorned her. I wished that I could take it all back. I wished that I could go back to that night and stay for the picnic, take her in my arms, maybe even kiss her. But there was no one there to hear my wishes, only the vines that wrapped themselves around the overgrown trees that surrounded the wild flowerbed.
Korynna, thankfully did not stay with that twit from Ravenclaw, but his absences still did not turn her eyes back to me. She was like a hummingbird moving so quickly that she seemed to blur. She would sometimes be on her own and sometimes in the company of some random male student. Never did she seemed to be attached however. I doubted that she gave them her affections as the boys always seemed to be following after her like puppies. None of them appeared to have won the prize they sought.
And she had become a prize in the eyes of many who had ignored her before. It was not as if she had suddenly grown more beautiful, or chosen to take the form of a type of woman that they would better appreciate. In that way she was exactly the same, but Korynna herself had changed. No longer was she the shy little thing that attempted to blend into her background. She had gained some sort of confidence that shone from her eyes, and Merlin did it ever make me want her even more.
Without realizing it I had switched roles with her. She was the student who didn't have a care for those around her, flouncing about the grounds as if she owned them without a care in the world. And I had become the meek unconfident youth that melted into her shadow. If she was swimming in the lake I was seated under a tree nearby pretending to read a book but praying that somehow her eyes would meet mine, and perhaps she would smile at me. If she was in the library studying, you could be certain I would be at a table nearby pretending to do the same thing.
I knew that I needed to apologize to her, but I could not even get close enough to speak with her, let alone get words to form. She seemed to have some sort of radar for me, and would disappear if I got to close. More often than not I found myself standing in a place that she had just been in choking on the words I still had not been able to say. I felt full to the brim with those words. I felt as if I may drown in a sea of unspoken apologize and pleas for her to look at me once more.
It was that tumultuous sea of unspoken words that somehow delivered me to the most terrifying and potentially mortifying moment of my life. Somehow in the confused blur my life had turned into when I admitted to myself that I wanted Korynna I found myself standing up in the middle of a work session in charms class. I couldn't quite account for what had come over me, or when I had moved into action, but one minute I had been quietly sitting at my desk writing an essay about how a wizard could infuse their own personality into one of their charmed creatures. Of course my words had centered around a certain type of bird that I knew a certain girl found beautiful. But the next minute found me standing from my seat and staring at the girl in question.
"I think each of us has an idea of what is beautiful and it effects the way we do many things in life," I choked out, trying not to balk at how my classmates turned to stare at me incredulously, and to not let my heart flutter right out of my chest with the realization that Korynna was looking too. "Sometimes we make the wrong choice, so blinded by our own ethos and stupidity, that we destroy something that we did not initially see beauty in. I think that sometimes we are so intent on infusing our own personality upon our world, trying to shape it into what we believe is right or perfect that we destroy what would have been meant for us."
I paused for a moment, floundering as I tried to make Korynna see what I was telling her; panicking as I saw some of my classmates laughing at me for making such a fool of myself.
"I think when we make that choice to try and shape our world, rather than letting it form naturally we do ourselves and those around us a disservice," I said with just the slightest tremble in my voice. "When we become so focused on creating our own beautiful thing, sometimes we allow the most beautiful thing to wither just beneath our hands. It's wrong. I have been guilty of it. I have been terribly guilty of it, and I am so sorry to have done it that I can't quite find the words to make amends for it. But I'm done now. I'm done trying to make my life perfect. I'm done trying to form the most perfect beautiful thing. I am done trying to create from scratch something that already existed and sat right in front of me for so long that I lost sight of it. I am done and I am sorry."
My heart thrummed in my ears when I finished speaking, my breath catching in my lungs as I waited for a reaction from the girl before me. I was vaguely aware of Lily standing from her desk just on the edge of my vision, but I had eyes only for the girl that was shifting before my eyes once more. Bubble gum pink hair melted way into the soft brown ringlets of a girl so innocent she'd have to tempt every evil thing in the forbidden forest. Bright blue eyes turned and sifted until big brown doe eyes were staring into mine once more. Petal soft pink lips twirked up into the tiniest of smiles for me as her skin faded from the deep tan it had been to the pale peach that I realized only now that I had come to love.
In the back of my mind I knew that Lily was approaching me as if my words had been for her. As if this desperate and unplanned apology had been in an effort to win her back, but I found I couldn't care less. My feet started to carry me forward of their own accord much like my mouth had done seconds ago, and the distance between Korynna and myself closed quickly.
"I'm sorry to have been such a complete and utter idiot," I whispered to her as I leaned over her desk and threaded my hands into her curly brown hair.
She seemed frozen in my hands, but I took comfort from the lack of fear or repulsion in her big brown eyes.
"I am sorry to have been so blind for so very long," I murmured as I tilted her head up and leant closer to put less distance between us.
"I am sorry that I hurt you, and I promise I will never do it again," I promised her in a breathy voice, and then I pressed my lips to hers.
Her lips were like salvation. They were so soft against mine, and she tasted so sweet. A sweetness that was only enhanced when she sighed against my lips and reached up to card her fingers into my hair that had fallen in a curtain around us. It was a perfect moment of bliss, but then it was shattered by jeering catcalls from our classmates and an enraged outburst from Professor Flitwick.
"That will be quite enough Mr. Snape," I heard distantly as I pulled myself away from the sweet girl in front of me. "You'll be serving detention tonight and can take responsibility for the 30 points that were just docked from Slytherin house.
"Worth every point Professor," I told him honestly as I stepped away from Korynna. "Perhaps because of the scene I have caused you won't appreciate this, but you've taught me an awful lot with this assignment. I have learned a life lesson that I shall never forget."
"Very well Mr. Snape," he said with a somewhat indulgent smile. "Let's save the romance for outside the classroom though shall we? Return to your seat. You too Ms. Evans."
I had forgotten all about Lily, and I turned to see her shocked and hurt face as I returned to my seat. She shot me a glare, and I expected it was meant to hurt me but I simply didn't care. My heart was still soaring high. I glanced over my shoulder and basked in that bemused smile still lingering on Korynna's face, fully aware of what a lucky man I was when I took my seat and attempted to focus on my essay once more.