Part Two
Weeks pass.
He does not see her.
Through an acquaintance at the Vulcan Embassy, he contacts Seven and apologizes to her for his behavior and reiterates his remorse.
She fixes him with a stare that feels icy, even over the comm system. "You are in love with Admiral Janeway." It's not a question, but he nods anyway.
"I have been for a long time, Seven. On Voyager she could never return my feelings. I thought maybe I'd forget her over time."
"But you did not."
"No." He sighs. "No, I didn't."
She arches a pale eyebrow at him. "And you have been seeing her since our parting?"
"For a while, but not anymore." He runs a hand through his hair. "I tried to rush things with her, and now…" He closes his lips around his next words, but they come anyway. "It's over now. Nothing will ever come of it."
"I'm sorry, Chakotay."
He wants to be angry with her, since she sought Kathryn out and was effectively the catalyst for the final rift between them. But he suspects that in her naïvete, Seven never intended to drive a wedge between her former commanding officers; she only meant to warn Kathryn about the shoddy behavior of the man her friend and mentor was seeing socially.
He thanks Seven for her time and her understanding, and ends the transmission.
=/\=
On a sultry Friday at the end of June, when his classes are over for the summer and he's trying to finalize his fall teaching schedule, he's summoned to HQ for a meeting with Nechayev, Hayes and Paris. A part of him hopes to catch a glimpse of Kathryn in the building, but when he passes by her office he finds it dark. She probably knows he would be in today and arranged to be elsewhere. He's disappointed, but not surprised.
Nechayev, Hayes and Paris, however, surprise him deeply with an offer to return to deep space.
Captain Selena Liberatore of the Mandela needs a first officer with his personnel skills and experience. The Mandela is a brand-new Constitution-class vessel, bigger than anything he's ever crewed. The four-year mission will be largely diplomatic, out to the frontiers of the quadrant and back. Liberatore, an easygoing woman from Naples, is a former shipmate from his first deep-space mission.
Chakotay doesn't have to feign interest during the Admirals' proposal. It's an intriguing offer, and would be an instant boon to his career, maybe even the final hurdle he'd need to clear before being promoted to Captain himself. And, he admits to himself reluctantly, he wouldn't mind getting to know Selena again.
The following Sunday morning, he takes his kayak out onto the bay along with a lunch, PADDs loaded with the pre-mission briefing and his fall teaching schedule, and the tactical notebook he's been carrying since April. He tests himself against the waves and paddles all the way across to Angel Island, where he pulls the kayak up onto the beach and eats his lunch.
He arranges the mission briefing, the teaching schedule and the notebook in front of him on the sand, and closes his eyes. The afternoon sun is hot on his face.
An hour later he rises, strides barefoot down to the water, and heaves the notebook into the ocean, followed by the teaching schedule.
By the time he paddles home to Sausalito, he's exhausted and sunburned, and falls alone into bed. He sleeps more soundly than he has in weeks.
=/\=
He arrives at his office early on Monday, July 2, planning to clean out his few belongings before he meets with the Commandant to tender his resignation. As he places his antique books into a storage container, he remembers Kathryn's copy of Dante's Inferno on his bedside table in Sausalito. He'll have to return it to her somehow. Maybe one of his students would take it over for him after he's gone.
Deep down, he knows he should tell Kathryn he's going, and why. But he's so tired of being outmaneuvered by her that some malicious little part of him wants his unannounced departure to be the last move in the ridiculous game they've been playing for the last eight years. It'll be a flawed victory at best, but still a victory. His first, last, and only.
He hates himself for thinking of his relationship with Kathryn as an unfriendly competition. They've been through too much together to mean so little to each other now, but the fact that she believed every unkind word Seven said about him leads him to think that Kathryn never trusted him with her heart – with any woman's heart – and that she would have found an excuse to cut ties with him eventually.
Doomed. The whole thing was doomed from the start. He should never have allowed himself to hope otherwise.
He's sitting in his empty office, face in hands, when the door chime rings. It's probably a student asking for his fall syllabus; they've been in and out for the last couple of weeks, these eager young cadets looking for an edge in his notoriously difficult classes. He can't tell whoever it is that he's resigning, not until he's informed the Commandant. So he sighs and rises, turning his back to the door so that whoever is there won't see the last traces of his emotion.
"Come on in," he calls, and crosses toward the windows.
The voice behind him makes him stop in his tracks. "Good morning, Commander."
He turns slowly. She's in uniform, coffee in one hand, a PADD in the other. In spite of himself, in spite of everything, she's as beautiful to him as she ever has been. "Admiral Janeway," he says.
"I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sorry to just barge in her unannounced," she says. "But I need your professional opinion about something," she says. "Do you have time, or…" She glances around the now-empty office as if seeing it for the first time, and frowns. "Are you moving to a new office?"
"Something like that, yes. But I have a few minutes before my first meeting of the day. What can I do for you, Admiral?" The stiff, formal language feels odd on his tongue. He hasn't addressed her this way since the beginning of their journey, and then only briefly.
She hands him the PADD. "Read this and tell me what you think."
He takes the PADD from her and sits down, motioning her to do the same.
It's a mission briefing, similar to every other mission briefing he's ever read. Admiral Janeway is to report to the Intrepid on Wednesday morning to join Ambassador Timothy Windwall and his staff on a brief trip to Finnis Alpha, a planet petitioning to join the Federation. Chakotay reads the mission briefing through once just scanning for the facts: The Ambassador is charged with pressing upon the Finnis government that their rigid, caste-based society will have to become much more open and free if they are to be admitted to the Federation. While there, Windwall's staff will assess the conditions on the ground; there seems to be some concern about the living conditions of the lowest working castes and the extreme economic disparity among all the castes.
Chakotay frowns at the PADD, wondering why the Federation is even considering admitting Finnis, given the society's fundamental inequality.
He reads the mission briefing again, more carefully this time. In all the pretty words and elevated language he's come to associate with these types of mission briefings, he can find no logical reason for Kathryn to be included as part of the diplomatic retinue. Starfleet's orders for Kathryn, appended to the end of the briefing, give no indication of her role. He looks up from the PADD.
"What do you think?" she asks, her hands clasped tightly together in her lap. He can't remember the last time he's seen her so tense and wary.
He deactivates the PADD and places it in the middle of his desk. "The Ambassador's staff has covered all the angles," he says carefully. "It's a very thorough mission briefing, and a very clear statement of goals and objectives."
She cocks her head to one side. "But?" she prompts.
"But if you came to me with this on Voyager, I'd insist on going with you." She raises her chin at him. "When you refused, I'd send both Tuvok and Ayala with you instead. I'd have Harry keep a transporter lock on all of you at all times, and I'd have B'Elanna power up the Flyer in case Tom and I had to go in and get you out."
She exhales with a whoosh. "Something's missing," she says. "You see it, too."
He nods. "There's no good reason for you to be there."
"It wouldn't be the first time they sent me in just to brandish my brass."
"Maybe not, but I think there's something they're not telling you. Whether it's because they don't want to or they just don't realize it, I can't say. But something doesn't feel right, Admiral."
She winces. "I don't have a lot of time to figure this out, Commander. I leave for Jupiter Station in less than forty-eight hours, then on to the Intrepid and Finnis Alpha."
"Intrepid. That's Captain Setik's ship, isn't it?" She nods. "He's a good man. He'll do everything he can to keep you safe."
She bites her lip. "I know he will. I just wish I knew exactly what he'll be keeping me safe from."
He taps his fingertips on the PADD. "It could be nothing. It could simply be seven years of the Delta Quadrant making us think there's danger here."
"Or it could be twenty-five years of Starfleet training," she counters. "I just don't know which."
"Do you want me to sniff around? See if I can find anything out?"
She stands and shakes her head. "No, I don't want it to look like I'm suspicious. But thanks for the offer."
He tries to hand the PADD to her, but she waves him off as she turns to leave his office. "I have my own copy. That one's for you. Reread it if you have time. Maybe something will come to you before I have to go."
He lowers his hand. "Kathryn…"
She turns back to him with a tired smile. "I'm sure it'll be all right. We're just being paranoid. And before you say it, I'll be careful. Don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you, Kathryn. I probably always will. Even when I shouldn't."
At that, she pauses in the doorway. "I know. And I count on that, Chakotay. Even when I shouldn't." Then she's gone.
He reads the PADD again and again, looking for clues. He reads it so many times he misses his meeting with the Commandant. She calls and offers to reschedule; he says he'll let her know when he's ready.
=/\=
His dreams that night are haunted by villains.
They come to him wearing faces that he knows – Cardassians, Hirogen, Borg – and others he does not. Men with serpents' tongues that crawl on four legs. Multi-eyed giants that swoop down from black skies on leathery wings. Fanged creatures that rise up out of churning seas with unearthly screams that shatter the air.
And Kathryn, always Kathryn, poisoned with venom, snatched away into the skies, sucked into whirlpools where he cannot save her.
He's not naïve enough to believe himself precognitive. He knows, though, that his restless night points to only one conclusion: Deep down, he is convinced that Kathryn's mission will put her in unknown danger.
In the morning, in the shadowy hour between troubled sleep and full wakefulness, he resolves to cancel his meeting with Captain Liberatore and find Kathryn before she leaves. He will convince her to let him join the mission, even if he has to beg.
=/\=
The quad is virtually empty when he spies her hurrying around the corner toward her building. "Admiral!" he calls. "Admiral Janeway!"
Lost in thought, she does not hear him. "Kathryn!" he shouts, and darts after her. "Kathryn, wait!"
At the bottom of the steps, she finally whirls back to him with a start. "Chakotay!"
"I need to talk to you," he pants. "Do you have a minute?"
"Of course. Shall we?" Together they sit down on the same bench where they laughed together so many weeks ago. He takes a deep breath, prepared to swallow his pride and ask to accompany the mission, but before he can speak she places her hand on his arm. "I was going to come and find you as soon as I finished my coffee this morning."
He blinks. "You were?"
Nodding, she looks into his eyes. "How difficult would it be for you to clear your schedule and join the mission to Finnis?" When he doesn't answer right away, she plunges on. "I need you there," she says softly, and he knows exactly how much the admission has cost her by the way she shakes her head and looks away from him. "I trust the staff the Admiralty assigned to me and I know it isn't rational, but the truth is that I won't feel safe. Not if you're not there to be my eyes and ears. I realize it's short notice and you probably-"
"Kathryn." He reaches over and takes her hand to stop her monologue. "This is what I wanted to talk to you about."
"It is?"
"Yes. I was going to ask you if I could join the mission somehow. An assistant, an observer, an extra security guard. Anything."
"Even though things between us have been…strained?"
He squeezes her hand. "Strained or not, I protect my friends, Kathryn. You know that." Her gaze softens and he almost smiles. "I've already cleared my schedule. I even found someone to feed my cat. When your shuttle leaves for Jupiter Station tomorrow, I'll be on it. And I'll be right there beside you for the whole mission."
She makes a furtive little motion toward him with her free hand, as if she wants to touch him but isn't certain she should. "Thank you, Chakotay," she says. With one last pat of his hand, she rises and steps away, all business once more. "There's a final mission briefing at 1300 this afternoon. Join me in my office for lunch and then we'll walk over together."
With a smile, he nods. "I'll be there at noon."
In spite of the situation's gravity and the assignment's looming danger, he smiles all the way back to his office.
=/\=
The three-day passage to Finnis is eerily uneventful.
He tells Kathryn he mended fences with Seven; she only nods and looks away. They do not see each other in anything other than a professional capacity for the entire trip.
Chakotay meets with Ambassador Windwall and his staff and finds them as trustworthy and transparent as Kathryn had indicated. Captain Setik and his security chief are as prepared and professional as he had expected. They all reassure him that Admiral Janeway is critical to the mission's success, and that her safety is certain.
He is unconvinced.
But the first two days on Finnis are equally as uneventful. While she attends tedious diplomatic meetings and tours the planet's population centers, Chakotay stays attached to Kathryn's side, hovering at her left shoulder as if he's always been there and always will be. He keeps a watchful eye on the Finnis themselves – benign-looking humanoids with wide-set violet eyes and long, graceful limbs – but hour after hour, he finds no reason to be distrustful of them.
The class differences are unsettling, of course. Once, while they stroll through a quiet park, their party is approached by a Finnis woman in rags. She implores the Federation representatives for amnesty from the rigid caste system. The Finnis President orders his security team to clear the path of the "rabble," but Kathryn and Ambassador Windwall both protest. They stop and talk to the woman for a long time, mindful of the President's disapproval and distaste, before they move on through the park. Kathryn is very quiet for the rest of the day. Her uneasiness is clear in the set of her shoulders and the angle of her chin.
That night finds Chakotay pacing the Intrepid's corridors, unable to sleep or meditate despite the lateness of the hour. One of the ship's Holodecks is empty; he calls up a standard training program and enters. He hopes a long run and some time with a holographic sparring partner might clear his head.
An hour later, bruised and sweaty and no less agitated than before, he finally shuts the program down and heads back to his temporary quarters.
Outside Kathryn's door, he stops.
If he were feeling this way on Voyager, he wouldn't hesitate. He'd ring her chime, knowing she was as wide awake as he, and together they'd talk through their unease with the situation. But he isn't certain he has that right anymore.
He's still standing there, debating with himself, when his comm badge activates. "Janeway to Chakotay."
He suppresses a chuckle and taps the comm. "Chakotay here."
"You're still up."
"Obviously. What can I do for you, Admiral?"
She sighs. "It's probably nothing."
"What is?"
"I was just going over tomorrow's itinerary, and… Never mind. I'll let you get to sleep."
"I've barely slept since we made orbit. I've just spent two hours in the Holodeck trying to tire myself out enough to calm down. It didn't work. So if there's something you need to talk through, I'm here."
"It's the middle of the night."
He smiles. "I'm actually standing right outside your door, Kathryn."
"Oh. Well, then." The door slides open and he strolls through.
She's still in her uniform pants and turtleneck, but the jacket is thrown over a chair and her boots are nowhere to be seen. From her perch on the edge of the sofa, she eyes him up and down. "I was worried about waking you."
He offers her a small smile. "No chance of that." He gestures towards his sweaty workout clothes. "I'm sorry if I smell like a targ, though."
She waves a dismissive hand at him. "I've seen you in much worse shape. Help yourself to the replicator and the shower, though, if you want to clean up."
"No need." But from the replicator he orders up a cold electrolyte drink and a hot cup of coffee. "So what did you want to talk about?"
She takes the coffee and he sits down in the chair opposite her. "Tomorrow we tour a military installation," she begins.
He nods. "Officer housing, enlisted barracks, science labs, intelligence centers."
She sips her coffee. "Shuttle hangars, a weapons hub, a warp-capable cruiser if there's time."
"The usual." He takes a long sip of the orange-flavored drink. "So what's bothering you?"
With a tired sigh, she leans her head on the back of the sofa and closes her eyes. "Everything."
He kicks off his shoes and places his feet on the coffee table. "Me too."
A comfortable silence follows this mutual revelation. She finishes her coffee and rolls the empty cup in her hands, fixing him with her ice-blue stare. "You'll be on your guard?"
"You know I will." He drains the last of his drink. "You'll be careful?"
She quirks an eyebrow at him. "As careful as I usually am."
He gives her a long-suffering look. "That's what worries me, Kathryn."
Her mouth falls open. "Chakotay!"
With a soft chuckle, he retrieves his shoes and rises. "See you in the morning, Admiral."
=/\=
Thirteen hours later, it happens.
They've seen the science labs, the weapons hub and the officers' quarters. They're touring the enlisted barracks when Chakotay realizes several things all at once. First, they have seen no female military personnel at any of their stops throughout the morning. No female scientists, no female shuttle pilots, no female officers.
Second, the enlisted barracks are filled to bursting with muscled young males, most of them bearing the tattoos he's come to associate with the lowest caste of Finnis society.
Third, the male officer conducting the tour has stepped away from their party, the first time he's done so all day. Instinctively, feeling all the violet eyes on them, Chakotay steps closer to Kathryn, his practiced gaze sweeping the room for threats.
He's almost too late.
When the young men all move at once and clear a sight line from the end of the barracks to their party, Chakotay sees the man at the end of the lane raise his weapon. With a shout of warning, he shoves Kathryn down and reaches for Ambassador Windwall.
Mandela's security chief draws his phaser. "Weapon!" he shouts. "Everybody down!"
Chakotay doesn't see the officer behind them.
He only hears the sound of the man's weapon being discharged.
The first shot catches him high on the back of the shoulder. He cries out and turns partway toward the shooter, falling backwards even as the second shot catches him in the chest.
Chaos, then. Shouting, cursing, weapons fire, but he can't make sense of any it. Curiously, he feels no pain, just an intense and leaden pressure in his lungs. Kathryn's face swims into his field of vision. "Chakotay!" she gasps.
He struggles to rise, but she stops him. "Don't move," she says, and yanks his uniform jacket open. "Oh god," she breathes. "Oh god, no. No."
"Kathryn," he rasps.
"Be still," she whispers, pulling him close, sheltering him as the firefight continues around them. She brushes her fingertips across his lips and wipes away blood. "We've called for a beam out. But you have to stay with me until Intrepid can get a lock. Stay with me, Chakotay."
"Always," he says, but it comes out as a half gurgle and he knows his lungs must be filling up. "Love you, Kathryn." He reaches up and weakly wipes a tear from her cheek. "Never stopped. Never will."
She pulls him close, rocking him in her arms. "Be still. Be still."
He tries to breathe but the pressure and the blood won't let him, and he gives himself up to the blackness, his nose pressed to the beautiful curve of Kathryn's neck.
=/\=
He is sinking through dark, brackish water, his limbs heavy and unfamiliar. His lungs ache for a breath of clear air, but he cannot find the surface. Panicked, he flails aimlessly against the water, frightened by the painful tightness in his chest.
Someone is calling his name. His father's voice slices through the water, summoning him home to supper. Through the murk he sees a warm, yellow light and tries to swim toward it, but the light is flickering, flickering, and then it is gone and he is sinking again.
Another voice is calling, that of a child inviting him out to play. He recognizes the voice of a friend lost to him when he was just a boy. He recoils from the implication, but her sing-song words bring with them a ray of illumination, almost blinding, like the sun of home glinting off the lake. He hesitates, but the pull of the unseen voice and the need for air are strong and now he is surging toward the sun.
An unseen hand yanks him back.
He is fighting against it, desperate for the warmth of the sun on his skin and the summer breeze in his lungs, but the hand is strong, too strong, and he cannot resist it.
For a long time, he knows only the water and the pressure and the sensation of sinking into nothingness.
-END part 2-