Holy bananigans, I haven't written in so long that I forgot about disclaiming. They aren't my original characters. If they were, 50% of the show would be rated TV MA. But back to the story.

"Uuh hey boss, I'm gonna ride with Tony if that's alright. He's been having some issues with his home computer and I wanted to ask him a few questions about the symptoms…"

"Symptoms? What's the damn thing got, McGee, a cough?"

"Hahaaaa…yeah well uhm maybe a virus. I'm not sure yet. So I'll ride with Tony?"

Gibbs shrugged as they strode towards the elevator. "Whatever you need to do, McGee."

McGee finally exhaled, relieved that he would have an opportunity to discuss things with Tony in private before they got in too deep with the case. Never mind the fact that Ziva had been glaring at him the entire time he'd been bullshitting Gibbs. He figured it was worth it to find out what the hell was going on.

Lucky for McGee, Tony hadn't been paying attention to his conversation with Gibbs. Apparently, Abby had emerged from the elevator toting a Caf-Pow! just as Tony had been trying to get on said elevator. Red, slushy beverage covered him from chest to knees and poor Abby was desperately trying to apologize in wide-eyed horror as Tony bemoaned the fate of his freshly laundered pants.

"….and you know how much I hate doing laundry! Why do you think my pants are only clean 25% of the time? That's it Abs, you owe me. You owe me a new pair of pants. And no gothic, steam punk, shreddy black Hot Topic pants either. I mean a proper pair of dress pants. I get them from Maxx's. That's T.J. Maxx's, and I take a size.."

"DINOZZO!"

"Oouuuh yeah boss?"

"I said 'WE HAVE A DEAD MARINE', remember? And you're riding with McGee. Abs, you don't owe him a thing. He's supposed to watch where he's going. Isn't that right, Dinozzo?"

Gibbs raised an eyebrow at Tony, then flitted a glance over at the blond-haired transfer agent who had happened to be in Tony's peripheral vision just as the elevator doors had opened.

Tony winced, looking appropriately scolded. Gibbs had expected a sheepish grin, considering what he had put together in his mind as having happened between the two agents the night before.

"Sorry, boss. My bad. And I'll buy you another Caf-Pow!, ok Abby?"

"Uh, thanks, Tony….don't worry about it. I was just coming down to see if you guys needed anything since I'm all caught up in the lab but if you're heading out, I guess I'll just go chill with the Duckman. See ya!"

She looked around at all of them, smiling benignly, but wondering what was going on. McGee looked worried, Tony looked like he'd just done something horribly shameful (aside from causing their collision), and Ziva looked like she wanted to go home and eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Gibbs looked impatient and ready to kick ass, but that was just Gibbs all the time.

She waved broadly at the whole lot of them before abruptly turning around and headed towards the stairs. She suddenly felt like giving Bert a hug.

"You did WHAT?"

"Come on, don't act like it's that huge of a deal. I'm already regretting it enough without…"

"Oh YOU'RE ALREADY REGRETTING IT! Jesus Tony, you'd think if your hindsight was that immediate you would have realized it was a bad idea before you even started. Of all the idiotic conquests…"

"I get it! Can you just drop it? This isn't exactly my proudest moment. I should have known better."

"Understatement of the year, Tony. I mean, what were you thinking? Something along the lines of the usual, 'Oh hey, you have a vagina and I have a penis and I think those two things are supposed to fit together somehow'?"

McGee was practically screaming now. Tony was tempted to stare at him with his mouth gaping open, but he was the one driving and he didn't think his amazement at McGee's reaction was worth getting them both killed over.

"What…is your…problem? You got a crush on her or something? If you do, I'm sorry, but I gotta be honest with you: you're not her type."

McGee seethed. His face felt like it was about to explode.

"You are a stupid fuck. You know that, don't you? You really think that I want to go around screwing a woman I just met two days ago? That sound right to you, Tony? A woman I barely know, but who is irresistibly attractive to me because she represents the life I could have had if I'd made a couple different choices? I mean give me a fucking break, Tony. You look up narcissism in the dictionary and I'd be surprised if there wasn't a giant picture of your grinning face."

"That's it."

Tony jerked the steering wheel to the right just as they were about to pass a run-down auto dealership. He careened into the parking lot and skidded to a stop. He popped his seat belt off, leaped from the car, and slammed the door before rounding on McGee, who had copied his every move since the car had stopped.

"What is your goddamn problem, McGee?"

"You wanna know what my problem is, Tony? My problem is you, being completely oblivious to the way people feel. Particularly about you. I guess it's worked for you thus far to treat your dick like it's some kind of carnival ride, but I would have expected you to be a little less juvenile by now. I really thought you had grown up. And I'm not the only one you've disappointed."

McGee had expected Tony to be completely dumbfounded at this point, and to question who the hell else he was speaking for. Tony's actual reaction surprised him. His face went from looking intensely angry to completely exhausted. He spoke quietly, which in itself was a complete turnaround.

"You think I don't know that, McGee? You know…I didn't even want to come to work this morning. I knew my mistake the second I made it, and what could I do then but to just lay there, wishing I'd thought it through before just acting…like a complete jackass. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I know I screwed myself on this one, Timmy. Big-time. So don't think you needed to point it out to me."

McGee listened intently and processed everything Tony had said before finally realizing that without even being told that Ziva had actually been single, or that she'd overheard him coming onto their new coworker in the shower, Tony already considered his actions to be a disappointment to her.

"How did you know I was talking about Ziva?'

"Because she told me I was a different person, compared to the man I used to be. She made it sound like I was…I don't know. A better version. And at the time, I believed her. I thought I was through with one-night-stands and acting so selfishly. Guess I proved us both wrong, huh? But I don't get how she could have already found out and told you that she was pissed off at me. I mean, her spidey-senses don't go THAT far, do they?"

McGee sighed. He hadn't really wanted to find out about all this. He had hoped it wasn't anything this hurtful or personal, and now he was right in the middle of it. And of course, now that he was, he figured the best course of action was to just tell Tony the truth.

"Ziva was there. Outside the showers. She heard you when you started to uhhh…you know."

Tony closed his eyes and slowly leaned against the car, looking about as miserable as Ziva had earlier.

"Fuck."

"Uh, yeah, Tony. And um…there's something else you should probably know, too."