A/N: This took much longer than I anticipated and honestly is a little rough, but I'm happy to have this chapter finally out for you guys. This chapter is basically a flashback chapter of events that led to chapter one. Next chapter will pick up back in the present time where chapter one left off. Hope you enjoy and leave your thoughts in a review.
There's blood. That's all that she can register. Blood. So much damn blood and she can't stop herself from staring at it. She didn't know it was possible for there to be so much blood. She can feel her body shaking but she can't seem to stop it, can't focus on anything but the blood.
It had all happened so fast, she is having a hard time even wrapping her head around it. She'd just gotten home from the White House after a long day of working out a bill with Mellie and Cyrus. Before she had even fully made it through the door they grabbed her, pulling her inside and shoving her onto the couch. They had masks on, but they knew who she was. They knew she was Command, they knew Rowan, they knew what B613 was...they knew everything.
It was barely an hour of interrogation and threats from them before she slipped from the couch and was able to grab one of their guns, firing immediately. It wasn't until they were both lying on the floor that she felt her heart beating in her ears, the adrenaline pumping through her system stopping her from feeling the wave of emotions that are soon to hit. Jake shows up for cleanup and she has to quickly dismiss him with the bodies and tell him to finish clean up later because the adrenaline high is failing her. She can feel her body shutting down, she can feel the thoughts creeping in and the waves that are about to hit her and she refuses to let him see it, to let him be the one to comfort her or see her break down.
Once he's gone she paces, her mind racing. In the 7 months as Command and Chief of Staff, she has never had to use a weapon. She had promised herself a new, clean B613. There had been instances where dirt had to be dug, where lives had to be threatened... but this, this was different. They had found her. She didn't know who they were, Jake would do the research, but at this point, it didn't matter. They had found her.
She tries to calm herself, but all she feels is the blood pumping in her ears and suddenly she's back in the bunker with Andrew his blood on her skin. She is back in her apartment again, the wine glass falling from her hand, her mouth being covered as she swallows her own screams. She feels herself losing control, her mind shifts to the kidnapping, to rough hands pushing her down, the gunshot ringing in her ears after pulled the trigger in the bunker, to Ian's blood on her in the house... to pulling the trigger in her own apartment.
She stops in her tracks to face the blood stains that have settled into the floor and her breath catches and she can feel the tears she hadn't realized she had shed making their way onto her cheeks.
It's all becomes too much. She can't breathe, she feels like she is suffocating, the walls are closing in, everything feels miles away even though it right in front of her. She falls back against the wall her sobs leave her recklessly, loudly, echoing throughout her apartment. She can't control them, can't control herself. She pulls her knees to her chest and hugs herself tightly, trying desperately to feel some comfort, to feel safe in some way, shape, or form, but nothing seems to be helping. They found her.
She can't remember the last time she felt this out of control, this lost. She can't remember the last time she let herself cry like this, this openly and freely, let the sobs take over her whole body and let herself become so helpless. Her perfectly guarded walls are crumbling. The walls that had been up carefully for the past 7 months are crumbling at her feet and there is one person she wants, one person she needs.
That one person she hasn't talked to in 7 months because letting him in during this time in her life would be too much. He can't be a part of it all. He can't know B613 is fully functioning again, thriving, under her command. He can't know that she is Command. She has to protect him. She has to protect him from this world, from her, from this life that he has finally escaped from. It would ruin him, ruin them.
They left things open, on good terms.
It's been an honor, Mr. President.
The honor has been all mine.
She hasn't spoken to him since. He's called, messaged, emailed. He's tried, and she has ignored all his attempts. She's wanted nothing more than to answer, to call and message him back, but she can't. She can't give either of them hope when she has become what she has become. She can't fall back into him when she didn't ask him to stay, when she decided to become Command she let go of any hope for them. She knew that. She couldn't have both, she wouldn't allow herself to have both because that would mean putting him at risk. She can't be attached to him, or more importantly, he can't be attached to her.
If anything happened to him... if he was harmed in any way because of her, because of her choice, she can't fathom it. So she chose. She was Command, she couldn't be his Livvie, she couldn't have Vermont, she couldn't live the dream, she couldn't have Fitz, not while being Command.
So why was she second guessing it all? Why was she curled in a ball on her floor praying she was in his arms, praying he could make it all go away, praying the safety of his embrace would save her from herself...
She hadn't let herself feel these things for so long. She had not let herself think of him for so long that it's all such a shock to her system and she feels herself shake from the sobs taking over her. At this point it isn't clear to her whether she is crying for him, crying for safety, or crying for the sins she's committed, for the person she has become.
One thing was clear, she needed him.
She barely remembers getting off the floor, let alone calling her closest agent and having him work out a way to get her to Vermont. She vaguely remembers the plane ride, and she really doesn't remember where that plane landed or how she got to the entrance of the Vermont estate. It's only then that she snaps into reality and realizes that she is crying once again, this time softy, tears slowly fall down her cheeks as she stands in front of the hard wooden doors of their Vermont home. His Vermont home she quickly corrects herself, it's not hers, or theirs, she gave that up, she doesn't deserve that. She doesn't deserve him. It's that thought that nearly has her turning on her heels and running once again, but the door is swinging open before she can move.
Once she sees him clad in his sweatpants and navy shirt, the only place she wants to move to is in his arms. His tired eyes widen in shock and she realizes that it has to be nearly three in the morning at this rate, it had been late when she entered her apartment.
His shock only mildly subsides as he takes her in, and its then his face contorts into concern. "Olivia, what..." He takes in her tear stained cheeks, her disheveled dress clothes, and red-rimmed eyes, and can see clearly how desperately she is trying to hold back a sob. Any question's he has about why she is here, or why she hasn't called are erased and instinct takes over. Olivia is here, Olivia is upset, and she needs him, and Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III has never denied her when she's needed him.
He goes to her, barely making it fully to her before the realization that he is coming towards her sets in, she's really here with him, she is safe, relief floods her body and the dams brake, before she can fully understand what is happening she is falling into his arms and letting the sobs once again overtake her, she's here, she's with him, and she is finally safe. He pulls her inside and to the couch, pulling her into his arms and cradling her to him, feeling her tiny hands clutch at him, as her small frame shakes from the weight of her cries.
He holds her in his lap as close as he can get her whispering soothing words in her ear to try and calm her, running a hand over her back and after quite some time he finally feels her calm a little. He doesn't know why she is here. He doesn't know what's wrong or what happened, but he knows that she clearly needs him. Something happened and she came to him. She has many people in Washington that she could turn to. Mellie, Abby, Quinn, Huck, Cyrus, Rowan... Jake. He swallows hard at the thought of the last name. He isn't sure what their relationship has been since he left, and he refuses to let his mind wander there right now like it has for the past 7 months without her. No matter who is in her life right now, no matter whether Ballard is in her bed or not... she came to him. Something happened, something horrific enough to put her in this state and she came to him. She traveled hundreds of miles to come to him. That, that was what mattered. That was what he was going to focus on.
By the time he breaks himself out of his thoughts he realizes she has almost completely calmed, her small body starting to fully relax into his own. Still holding him close, but with less urgency. Before he can think too much about the action he runs a soothing hand up and down her back while she sits in his lap and presses a kiss to the side of her head, lingering for the moment and for the first time just relishing in the feel of her, of having her back in his arms.
She looks up at him without moving her head from his chest and meets his eyes, letting the deep pools of blue soothe her and make her heart race at once.
He isn't sure who makes the move. Which one of their heads dip to meet first, it feels magnetic, like they both are moving in complete sync to meet lips. It's tender and soft, and everything he has been thinking about for months. They don't stop to think about the talks that need to be had, they don't stop to think about the state she has just shown up in, they don't stop to talk about the months apart. They just feel, and soon he is carrying her up the steps and to the room he'd been woken from only an hour ago. Arms wrapped around each other, hearts and hips both working in sync once again, a dance they had perfected years ago.
She wakes to feel strong arms around her and warm sheets tangled around her body. It doesn't take much analyzing to find she is in bed, Fitz's bed, in Vermont. She tries to calm the panic that wants to creep in at that thought alone and wills herself to relax. To relax back into his arms, to let herself be held for a little longer and shut out the real world, shut out the demons that now haunt her. She lets herself feel loved, safe and cherished in his arms as she drifts in and out of sleep until arms tighten around her and a kiss is being pressed to the side of her neck.
"Hi." He whispers, snuggling her back close to his chest.
Her breath catches at the simple syllable, but she manages to choke out a reply. "Hi."
It's silent for a while before she finally finds her voice again. "I... I have to go back." She says softly.
She feels his frown on her skin, and his words surprise her. "Take a shower, I will be downstairs making breakfast, join me when you're ready." He's out of bed before she can reply. His gloriously nude form pulling on boxers and sweats and walking away, leaving her confused.
She cleans herself up, finds her clothes from the night before, and makes her way down the stairs to find him finishing pancakes at the stove. He knows they are her favorite, and as much as she wants to stay she needs to leave. She needs to get out now before things get any messier than they already are.
She had told herself she would stay away. She couldn't have him. She choose Command and it was too dangerous having both. No one could know she had been here and the longer she stayed away from D.C. the easier it was for someone to find out. Last night had been a mistake on her part, a moment of weakness that couldn't happen again. Clearly, someone had already been able to discover who she was, to find her apartment, and unearth her entire life. It was a mistake, coming here, but she has a hard time regretting it, she could never regret being with him. But she couldn't put him in the line of fire, she couldn't live with herself if something happened to him because of her, it was obvious to her now that her fears from the beginning were obviously valid. As much as she wants to stay with him, she forces the opposite words out.
"Fitz, I really have to go..." She says, eyeing the spread of food he had prepared. She want's to sit down with him and enjoy it, but she can't. She can't be here, with him. Her walls are already crumbling from the look on his face and she is in so much trouble.
He turns the stove top off and turns to eye her. The look in his eyes much different than the ones she had witnessed the night before. Gone was tender, sweet Fitz... He was angry.
"Stay, eat, we can talk." His voice is clipped and she can tell he is trying hard to keep his voice as even and calm as he possibly can.
"Fitz..." She says softly nodding to the door, letting him know that talking is the last thing she wants to do.
Typical. Is his first thought. She's running, or at least she wants too. He's not going to let her this time, he feels his blood boil more and before he can stop himself he is throwing the dish towel down and planting his hands on the counter in front of him, his harsh eyes landing on her. "I think I deserve some sort of explanation, don't you, Olivia!?"
She can hear the hurt, the betrayal, the anger all seeping up in him and her heartaches. Yes, yes he does. He deserves to know everything from beginning to end. He deserves the world, but she can't give it to him and God it is so unfair of her to have shown up here last night, to be doing this to him once again.
"You can't just show up here after months of no contact... You can't just fall into my arms, fall into my bed like it is nothing and just leave with no explanation, Olivia! You can't just show up here after how we left things at the White House, after those two weeks together..." He stops and she can see the emotions playing on his face match her own. Tears swim in her eyes at the mention of those glorious two weeks, that amazing goodbye... "Liv, you can't... you can't just leave here like this was nothing... like we are nothing..."
Her heart aches, her breath feels just as shallow as it did when she showed up here. Everything he's said is right, but she can't... She can't do this with him... she can't... she can't just walk away from Command, they wouldn't let her, that much had become clear from the scene in her apartment the night before. She has to leave, she can't do this...
"Fitz..." She breathes out, her voice pained. So much on the tip of her tongue, but nothing to say.
He's cutting her off with a raised voice, the pain and anger taking over. "Why, Olivia? Why did you come here? Why come to me when you can't even tell me what happened? When you can't even accept a phone call from me for months!?" He's pushing, hoping that it will force the truth out of her. Hoping she will tell him what he is desperate to hear and not run.
"I... I just... I just needed one minute." She chokes out weakly. It's her way of saying what she means without actually saying it outright. She had needed him, needed to escape whatever had happened in D.C.
He softens a little at her words, but he can't let himself fall back into this all if she isn't going to be honest with him. So, he voices what's on his mind, what has been on his mind for a while now. "One minute isn't enough anymore, Liv... This isn't 10 years ago, hell this isn't 5 years ago. We aren't hiding out in hotel rooms, or the Oval, we aren't sneaking away for time together... we aren't living in stolen moments anymore. We are free to be whatever we want to be. This is no longer a waiting game. I can't go back to having this be a waiting game of you coming and going out of this relationship at your convince. We both know that's not fair on either of us."
He steps toward her, coming around the counter to be in front of her. "If you want this... if you want us... then I am here Olivia. But I want it all. I can't do halfway anymore."
He stares, waiting for a reply. He can see the inner turmoil playing out behind her eyes. Then he sees her walls coming back up, the mask go back on, and when her eyes meet his he can see he's lost... she's lost and she isn't coming back to him. Not now.
"I can't." She finally whispers. Her broken eyes meet his fallen ones for only a moment before she is rushing out the door he'd pulled her through barely 12hours earlier.
She tells herself that first time when she leaves that she won't come back. She tells herself that she can't come back, it had been a mistake to go there in the first place... But after a month of going through the motions, it dawns on her that no one knew she had even seen Fitz. She had been gone over 12 hours and no one had questioned her. Mellie hadn't worried when she made up a simple excuse for not showing up for work, Cyrus had asked no questions at all. Jake, Quinn, Abby, even Huck... no one asked. The radios had been silent, there was no chatter about the men who had been in her apartment. There was nothing. It was like it had never even happened. It's that thought that has her throwing a small carryon together and making a quick plan to go back to Vermont.
She's positive her just dropping into Fitz's life once again will not be welcomed, especially after how they left things and the fact that neither of them has reached out to each other in the last month, but she has to try. She can't ignore her true feelings anymore. She may not be able to be fully honest with him, but she wants to try. She wants to be them again. She wants to be his Livvie and she is going to try her hardest to win back his trust, to be deserving of all the love he showers upon her and to return it in full. It's time. It's ten years too late, but it is finally time to just let what will be, be.
She's still terrified, she couldn't bear anything happening to him because of her, but she vows to be careful, to only give as much as she feels is safe for the both of them, and that is how she finds herself standing in front of him once again on his doorstep. She can see the hundreds of emotions playing across his face. He wants to slam the door in her face, he wants to pull her close and push her away all at once.
Finally, he steps back, still unable to say words, but not wanting her to freeze from the brisk air outside. They only make it a few steps before she turns to face him head on, knowing if she waits any longer she will lose her nerve.
"I'm sorry." Are the first words that leave her mouth, because it's all she can get out right now while looking at him so clearly confused and pained by her presence. "I know that's not enough... I know you deserve so much more from me than an I'm sorry..."
She cuts off taking a step closer to him and trying to get her emotions under control. Seeing him again, it's so much better than she could have anticipated it being, a month ago she was too lost to see it, to appreciate it, every moment with him is so much better than she could ever dream.
"Everything is just really... complicated... right now and I wish... I wish I had a better explanation for you, I wish I had the words, but I don't. I don't Fitz. All I know is this," she motions between them, her voice thick with the emotions she is feeling "this is all that feels right amongst all the complications. It's the only thing that has ever felt right and we both know that." She tells him earnestly. Over the past 10 years, they both have understood clearly that they were the only thing in each other lives that made sense most days, no matter what state their relationship was in.
"I don't have all the answers right now. I don't know when I will... but please, can we just... This isn't how I want it to be, but it's what I have right now Fitz... So can we just be... here."
Her words from years ago hit him hard, so much has happened since they sat in the Oval and she asked him to stop pretending, to just be here. It had been one of the few times that they had been completely honest with each other, that they had let each other accept the situation they were in and just be in the moment, to just enjoy what they had at that time instead of constantly looking toward a weary future. And now here she was, sitting in front of him once again being as honest as she could be in that moment, and asking him to be with her, to let the world fall away and just be. After the year they had had, after the last 10 years, he had learned to take what you could get from Olivia Pope because you never know how fleeting it could be. So even though every emotion was screaming at him not too, no matter how devastating the fall out could be, he would be here, with her, for however long she would have him. Because she was Olivia Pope, she was his Livvie, and denying her anything when she was being this open with him was just something he couldn't do.
"Come here..." He finally says and she is smiling softly before moving at light speed into his waiting arms. His lips meet hers tenderly, and he smiles at the sigh of relief that escapes her at the touch.
They don't communicate much that first month apart, but on her first visit back she comes with a new and improved "Liv phone" for him, sporting her own "Fitz phone." She's grateful when he doesn't ask questions about the need for the phones and all the secrecy.
It's barely three weeks after that and numerous texts and calls shared between them in that time that they are once again together in Vermont and afterward starting a cycle that leads them back to themselves, back to what they had. The visits become closer together... some to the point when she is finding her way to Vermont four times in one month. When they are together they shut off the rest of the world, it's just them, getting the life they've always wanted in Vermont in the stolen moments.
She starts to feel safe again. There's been no threats, no chatter, no anything. She's still Command, but she has taken a step back, only allowing Jake to handle surveillance. No missions, no threats on lives or countries, no deaths. She tells herself she takes the step back because she doesn't want another miss step like in her apartment, but on another level, a level she isn't ready to deal with, she knows it is because of Fitz. He's back in her life and she swore up and down it wouldn't happen while she was Command, but now that she has him back she can't let it go, she can't stop. Right now, B613 is quiet, it's surveilling the enemies, it's waiting for the next move while the Republic is thriving... that's what she keeps telling herself at least. That's the mask she is hiding behind, but it is only a matter of time before her worlds collide once again, before something happens that shakes the foundation of the life she is creating.