Disclaimer: I only own Corey. His fangirls must be property of themself. If
there are any. If not, I own them!!!!!! Or Corey does. I ONLY OWN COREY.
NOTHING ELSE, OKAY?
Kudos:
Eight-Winged Angel: heh, you haven't read my other "humour" stories, have you? This is pretty much a continuation of those. Wow, I'm such a spammer.
Dark-sephy: I was wondering how many people would get that scene with the staffs. Didn't know how many people had seen Men in Tights.
Mikoto Zuko: Why do you think I haven't played it yet? Because I don't have the game. Anyway, Defiance is in stores today! In America. While I have to wait until Febuary the 6th 2004. 'pouts' I hate Eidos. But check the stores. It should be there today. Heheh, so you like Corey, eh? I knew there was bound to be some Corey fans.
Blood of Angels: Well, I am the one writing it, so it should still be as dangerous to read, as the other 2. But a classic? I doubt it.
Razel of Nosgoth: Umm, you do know that your name is spelled wrong, right? It's Raziel. But I'm glad you liked it.
A/N: I don't really have anything to say. Except you should go to your game stores to buy Defiance if you're American. And sulk, if you don't live in the states. That's what I'll be doing. And all because someone decided that the game should have multi language option on it. I don't think England or Denmark care, moron!!
Read on.
**************************************************************************** ********
Last chapter I forgot the whole 'Maleks damnation' scene. Therefore, here it is. Malplaced in the story, but what the hell..
Room under Avernus' cathedral.
Malek is shackled and Mortanius is in the middle of damning him.
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek of the Sarafan, you are hereby damned!
Malek: DAMNIT!!!!! (These jokes suck!)
Mortanius: Shut up.
Malek's soul is transferred to his armor.
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours. (A/N: Poor guy)
Malek: What?! YOU GOTTA BE BLEEDING KIDDING ME?
Mortanius: You have but one person, damned one. You will serve us for eternity.
Malek: 'us' being?
Mortanius: You haven't read the script, have you?
Malek: Not really.
Mortanius: What were you busy doing?
Malek: Well, I knew you were gonna say, that the pleasures of the flesh is no longer mine, so I fiugred I'd have as much fun as possible before it happened.
Mortanius: You're treading on dangerous ground here, Malek.
Malek: Nosgothian girls really dig damned guys.
Mortanius: I hate my job. (leaves)
Malek: Heheh, it's funny when the author forgets something.
**************************************************************************** *************
Kain finds the sign reading 'Ziegsturhl'.
Kain: This was where the bloody deed of my murder took place. Although the arrow were from somewhere else. I hate this.
Corey: Quit complaining, goth-boy, or I'll saw you in half.
Kain: This is medieval times. You don't have a chainsaw.
The chainsaw gets replaced by a katana. (for those of you who don't know, a samurai-sword)
Corey: Oh yeah!
Kain: I take it the author has been playing shadow warrior.
Hell yes!!
Kain: I hate this.
Corey: Oh, shut up.
Kain: So where are we going?
Corey: I don't know.
They see a building with a sign, saying: Cosmetic ass-kickings. Owned by Dumah.
Kain: Okay, I gotta see this!
They enter the store, where Dumah is talking to a dumbass customer.
Dumbass customer 1 (looking in a magazine): I was looking at a 'skull- buster' to 228,57 bucks, does it hurt?
Dumah: ... Yep. (smiles)
Dumbass customer 2: I was in last week getting a kick in my balls, but it is as if the color has faded. Could you re-do it?
Kain: .... I hate danish humour.
Corey: Hell, that joke doesn't even belong to the author.
Kain: It was much better originally. He messed it up.
Corey: Yeah. Let's get out of here.
They leave.
Dumbass customer 3: How much does a whooping cost?
**************************************************************************** *****
Kain: Wanna go inside the bar I was kicked out off, and get revenge?
Corey: Umah's not born yet, Kain.
Kain: The hell? How was she there before, then?
Corey: Kain, you know COAD by now.
Kain: Right, plotholes and lots of them.
Corey: Yeah.
Kain: Where are we supposed to go?
Mortanius (telepathically): To the pillars!!!!
Kain: .. No need for the drama, Morty.
Morty: Shut up, Kain.
The duo heads off for the pillars. Suddenly, they look at the pillars from a not too distant future. I mean distance. Yes.
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. Even in life, few sights have moved me such as this. I marveled that such beauty should grace our dying world. He's messing up the story.
Corey: As he does with every story. Get over it, Kain.
Kain: Or what?
Corey: Or I'll slice your ear off.
Kain (draws his sword): Bring it on, big-pants-boy!
Corey: You suck at insults, you know that?
The two clashes with each other in a furious sword fight. Kain swings for Corey, but he dodges and slashes upwards, so Kain has to dodge backwards to avoid it. He slashes wildly at Corey, who blocks everything, though with difficulty. Eventually, Kain cuts Corey's arm.
Kain: Hahah, I'm victorious! Bow down to me!!
Corey cuts Kain in the jugular.
Kain: agou! I'll glet ylou flor thlat!
Corey: I think not, goth-boy.
Kain's wound heals up. He jumps for Corey, but Corey dodges out of the way. Kain spins in the air, then kneels down. He spins the sword in the air, hitting ANYTHING that comes near him. Corey holds his distance, though. Suddenly, Kain jumps for Corey, catching him off-guard. He pokes Corey in the eye.
Corey: JESUS! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?!
The 2 have failed to realise, that their fight has taken them to the pillars.
Corey: Whoops.
Something is floating around at the pillars. It turns out to be Ariel.
Ariel: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you.
Kain: She's a raving maniac! She talks to herself!
Ariel: Shut up, Kain.
Kain: Keep your distance or I'll send you back to Hell, spirit!
Corey: Umm, are you sure about that?
Kain: Yeah, why?
Corey: There aren't any ghosts down there.
Kain: Oh. Oh yeah. That's right, I didn't see any ghosts down there.
Ariel: There is nothing left of me to fear, vampire. I am only a shadow of my former self- Ariel, the Balance of the Circle of Nine. Even so, I can provide the answers you seek.
Kain: What's the meaning of life? Where do babies come from? Why can't I escape these crappy parodies? What's the secret to women? Why doesn't Defiance arrive in Europe until Febuary the 6th 2004, while it's out on the shelves today in America? Do you have a vase? Do you have a vase? Is God dead? Why does COAD write in script form? Was Bush right in bombing the hell out of Afghanistan? Why does COAD always forget to promise reviewers something, like beating the shit out of Moebius with an aluminium baseball bat?
Ariel: ................ Is he always like that?
Corey: I take it Concept is out of ideas right now.
Which means: TEENY-BOPPER SEQUENCE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH......... Or maybe not.
Ariel: So what can I get you guys?
Kain: I seek only a cure.
Ariel: There is no cure for death- only release. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, though. You must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth. This has a lot to do with you being a vampire. Only then will you realize peace. The Nine of the Protectors of Hope were sworn to use their powers to preserve our world. Now these pillars have been corrupted by a traitor. My murder at the hands of this beast drove my love, Nupraptor, mad.
Kain: I thought the light from his head was what drove him mad.
Ariel: Actually, it was due to me playing with his carefully balanced scales in the end of the beginning sequence.
Camera shows Nupraptor sewing his eyes shut then switch back to the Pillars.
Kain: Why is Nuppys head suddenly appearing in the middle of the screen?
Ariel: Vorador was in the flashback machine again. That man has a fixation with "milk".
Kain: Yeah, just like Moebius. (shakes from remembering.)
Ariel: Now he spreads misery and pain among the Circle, crumbling the very foundation of Nosgoth, because the circle was definitely the ones who built Nosgoth. You must restore balance. You must right the Pillars of Nosgoth.
Kain: I care not for the fate of this world.
Ariel: Then for yourself, Kain. Beware the Unspoken.
Kain: Is that another name for Voldemort?
Corey: I think she's talking about Hash, Kain.
Kain: Oh, that dude. I forgot all about him. Hrhem. Nupraptor, with his blind act of vengeance, (get it, he sew his eyes shut. He can't see) threatened to destroy all of Nosgoth. Or maybe just the areas of the game that we visit. Each Circle member was bonded with duct-tape to the Pillar he served. The Pillars reflected the mental state of their servants, and as the minds of the Circle degenerated and descended further into dementia, the Pillars crumbled. And the duct-tape broke. To restore them, each member of the Circle had to die and the artifact that served as their link to the Pillar had to be returned and duct-taped to the pillar it represented. Only when all the Pillars were restored did Ariel claim my curse would end, because killing people will definitely remove vampirism. And so, my hunt for Nupraptor began.
**************************************************************************** *********
Kain and Corey walks to steinchencroe, or Smelly-town.
Kain: The town of Smelly-town bore with it the infamous aroma of its inhabitants, along with very bad music, thanks to N'Sync. In life, I would not have graced the place with my presence. In death, I merely added to the stench. Although the music made me heave for air.
Corey: GOD, THIS PLACE STINKS! AND THE MUSIC SUCKS!
Kain: Quit complaining, you whiny bastard.
Corey: Wanna fight again?
Kain: Bring it on!
They fight, and eventually end up at Irmok the mads restaurant.
Kain: Restaurant? What the bleeding hell is he talking about? The psycho is stirring in one freaking pot. Doesn't look very edible, either. Never the less, this lunatic was delighted to see me. Perhaps his madness would reveal a greater truth. Like fortune cookies.
Irmok: The bastards of Steinchencroe shun me as Nosgoth shuns them, due to their incredible stench! THEY F-CKING SMELL BADLY!!! I know what it means to be an outsider, vampire, that's why I'm all dressed in black. I fear you not, but remember this- there are others who will speak to you so long as you know how to look.
Kain: What a bunch of shallow bastards this place is.
Irmok: Yeah, what are you gonna do? (stirs in pot)
Kain and Corey walks on.
Kain: The gypsies- purveyors of distrust and superstition. Most of their babble should be taken with a pinch of salt or pepper (or chili, yummie! ), since the gypsies often tinker with weary travelers' minds, with the aid of mirrors and cards. However, a few gypsies have something interesting to say. Like wether Spielbergs next movie will be a hit, or wether Eddie Murphy will be black for another ten years, or wether Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak english with accent. Or you can have your fortune told with the aid of cards. Them gypsies like cards.
Some gypsie throws some cards at the duo of psycho.
Gypsie: ME UGGA-BUGGA MAN! ME SMITE YOU!!! (throws another card)
Kain/Corey stares in shock at the dancing stereotype in front of them.
Corey: Isn't the gypsie stereotype different? Weren't they supposed to be thieves?
Suddenly, the two wears nothing at all. They look at each other.
Kain/Corey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH H!!!!!! GIVE US OUR CLOTHES BACK!!!!
They get back all of their clothing, then commits gypsie-holocaust. Instead of a swastika, they have the reaver laid vertically over a vertical katana. Looks like an X.
Corey: This story is really losing it.
Slaves: HEIL KAIN/COREY!!!!
Okay, we move on, because that was freaking odd!!!
They arrive at Vasserbunde, where bright neon light greets them. The sign reads New Reno.
Kain: Wow, his memory actually goes back to Fallout 2!
Corey: Amazing, isn't it?
Kain: I wanna work for John Bishop.
Wanna get back on story? (point is emphasised with the aid of acid)
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!! Okay. Vasserbunde lay, its glory now stained and faded. A religiously faithful child in the looming shadow of Nupraptor's Retreat. Plus, they don't get out much.
Nearby, a gas-truck gasses up. A woman in black leather clothing runs for a phonebox, and the truck slams into it, just as she picks up the phone. Some suited people climbs out of the truck.
Agent 1: She got away.
Agent 2: Never mind, we have the name of their next target. His name is Neo.
Corey and Kain gasps at the Matrix ripoff.
Agent 3: Could you tell us the name of the city, that Neo lives in?
Kain: It's not here.
Corey: Try America.
Agent 1: I told you, Nosgoth is not where he was going to be.
Agent 3: Shut up. It's not like you never make mistakes.
Kain (like Dr. Evil): Riiiiiiight.
The two look up at Nupraptor's retreat, from the center of the town.
Kain: Nupraptor's Keep lay west of Vasserbunde. I would seek to cut the cancer from its heart. Sort of a radical cure, but what the hell.
They hear screams from the west.
Kain: The wind carried screams from the west. I could not help but smile- someone else in this world was suffering more than I. What a sadist I am ^_^! I wonder if it was an S/M lair.
Corey: Dude, it's freaking Nupraptor's retreat, not a bloody S/M lair! Sheesh. Isn't there anything else on your mind?
They do all the stuff necessary for entering Nupraptor's retreat.
Corey: The gaping maw of Nupraptor's Retreat rained upon Nosgoth all his pain and misery. The disease begged to be cleansed.
Kain: I knew it! He's a masochist, too! And.. Hey! You stole my lines!
Corey: Yeah, and?
Kain: It has to be said with my sexy voice!
Corey: Kain, you sound like Steve Urcle right now.
Kain (sucking on a helium baloon, aka high pitched voice): No I don't!
Corey: Let's just move on.
They travel through the cavern, though without a walkthrough, so they get stuck right around the beginning of the main retreat. Dumbasses.
Corey: Better than you. You look from game to walkthrough all the time.
Kain: The Mentalist Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his tricks of the mind, telepathy, and telekinesis. Pilgrims traveled from all across the land, seeking the comfort of his lies. (looks around) Heh, COAD'esque in-joke, heheh. I sought not his wisdom, but his life. And his lightbulb head. This crappy light spell doesn't light the place up enough.
They get pretty far in.
Nupraptor (Through telepathy): You dare intrude upon my sanctuary? Can I not mourn in peace? Leave! Leave and let my solitude be complete!
Kain: You would get more guests if you weren't so bitter, Nupraptor.
Nupraptor: Leave me alone, assholes.
Kain: You won't get any guests with that attitude. I bid thee farewell. (goes to leave)
Corey: Kain, where are you going?! We need to kill him!
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot for a second.
They come to a place.
Kain: I came upon one of Nupraptor's serving girls, catatonic with fear, choking out half-words through bloodied, broken teeth. Ugly! Although tempted by hunger (not really, her teeth sorta made me barf), I stayed my hand, allowing her to tell her story. She spoke of her Lord, Nupraptor, driven to insanity by the brutal slaying of his beloved Ariel. She spoke of his self-mutilation (he must be a goth), sewing his eyes and lips shut to deny the outside world. Maybe he should have sewn his ears shut, too, so he couldn't hear. Fueled by despair and hopelessness (and he was depressed, too), he turned his magic on the Circle, infecting their minds with his madness. Nupraptor cared for nothing now, save his pathetic self-pity, and his upstarted nu-metal band. Scars such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy. I wouldn't drink her blood, though. She was freaking ugly! Damn!
They look at the mutilated corpses around them.
Kain: The cretin squandered life and left it seeping on the floor. Such waste was a travesty, even though he probably didn't care about feeding vampires! Perhaps Nupraptor needed to be taught a lesson as to the value of blood. Heheh, I'll force him to write on a card-board: Blood is good! Heheh, that would teach him.
Corey: coughlooneycough.
They find the schizo view, aka skull eyes of Nuppy's retreat. They watch through the uncorrupt window first.
Kain: From the depths of the Retreat's eye sockets, I viewed Nosgoth in a different fashion. The glass seemed to warp the image and taint the color. As if Nosgoth needed assistance in making its corruption apparent.
Corey: Uhh, Kain, you are looking through the wrong window.
Kain: Wha.? Oh damn it, I hate this.
Corey: Maybe you should memorise the script, instead of reading from it at the wrong time.
Kain: Shut up! (starts crying)
Corey: Pansy.
They arrive at the place where Nuppy and Malek awaits them.
Nupraptor: So Malek, have you come to fail the Circle once more? Leave, Paladin! I do not need your protection. Come, Kain. Come, share my pain... Hey! That rhymed. That's gonna be part of the new album!
Corey: Damn nu-metallist!
Kain: So this was the Mentalist Nupraptor. This broken, pathetic little man. Yet crippled as he was, he would not yield without battle. Very well, old fool, if it is death you seek, I will not deny you!
Corey and Kain fights Nupraptor. He fights them with the aid of the crappy music him and his band makes. And he throws discs at them. Really fast.
Kain: I WAAANT REPEEL!!!
Corey: Just kill him, damnit!
Kain: I can't get to him, now can I?
Corey runs really fast up to Nupraptor (meaning, he runs to him Anime style, aka disappearing from view, and appearing right behind Nuppy) He severs his head. Kain picks it up.
Kain: And now, a famous quote. Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.
About a million Kain fans cheer for him.
Corey: Not fair. I killed him.
Nupraptor rises behind Corey.
Kain: Duck, Corey!
Corey ducks, and Kain cuts Nupraptor's corpse in 2 pieces. All of his fans cheer.
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.
No need to repeat yourself, Kain.
Kain: Why can't I have fun?
Shut up and deal with it!
Kain: 'sniff' Perhaps the head of her beloved will convince Ariel that I have accomplished my task. And I'm sure she'll like the fact that I killed her boyfriend. Wow, just like I doomed Raziel. She must hate me by now. That's 2 boyfriends of her's that I killed/damned. I love this! ^_^!
Corey: Let's go find the mace.
They do so, smashing up a Stonehenge kind of thingy.
Kain (describing the mace): The mace is amongst my most useful of weapons (cracks up with laughter. Yeah right, it's the most unused weapon ever), for it merely stuns my victims, allowing me ample time to feed. Will be absolutely pointless, once we get blood gout and blood shower, due to us playing with cheats.
Corey: What?! Does this mean we won't need the hearts of darness? But I've been so busy collecting them. (breaks down)
All of Corey's fangirls run in, to comfort him. (A/N: Okay, how many of those exist? Hands up, if you're a Corey fan)
Corey fangirl 1: Shush, dear. It will be alright.
Corey fangirl 2: I wanna comfort him, too. (does so)
Kain: I hate you, Corey.
**************************************************************************** *****
Okay, longer chapter, huh? 12 pages AND in pint 12.
5 reviews, and no flames.
Reviewers will be able to order a sword of their choice. And I will tie Moebius up and put him in a chair, so you can cut him any way you want.
Kudos:
Eight-Winged Angel: heh, you haven't read my other "humour" stories, have you? This is pretty much a continuation of those. Wow, I'm such a spammer.
Dark-sephy: I was wondering how many people would get that scene with the staffs. Didn't know how many people had seen Men in Tights.
Mikoto Zuko: Why do you think I haven't played it yet? Because I don't have the game. Anyway, Defiance is in stores today! In America. While I have to wait until Febuary the 6th 2004. 'pouts' I hate Eidos. But check the stores. It should be there today. Heheh, so you like Corey, eh? I knew there was bound to be some Corey fans.
Blood of Angels: Well, I am the one writing it, so it should still be as dangerous to read, as the other 2. But a classic? I doubt it.
Razel of Nosgoth: Umm, you do know that your name is spelled wrong, right? It's Raziel. But I'm glad you liked it.
A/N: I don't really have anything to say. Except you should go to your game stores to buy Defiance if you're American. And sulk, if you don't live in the states. That's what I'll be doing. And all because someone decided that the game should have multi language option on it. I don't think England or Denmark care, moron!!
Read on.
**************************************************************************** ********
Last chapter I forgot the whole 'Maleks damnation' scene. Therefore, here it is. Malplaced in the story, but what the hell..
Room under Avernus' cathedral.
Malek is shackled and Mortanius is in the middle of damning him.
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek of the Sarafan, you are hereby damned!
Malek: DAMNIT!!!!! (These jokes suck!)
Mortanius: Shut up.
Malek's soul is transferred to his armor.
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours. (A/N: Poor guy)
Malek: What?! YOU GOTTA BE BLEEDING KIDDING ME?
Mortanius: You have but one person, damned one. You will serve us for eternity.
Malek: 'us' being?
Mortanius: You haven't read the script, have you?
Malek: Not really.
Mortanius: What were you busy doing?
Malek: Well, I knew you were gonna say, that the pleasures of the flesh is no longer mine, so I fiugred I'd have as much fun as possible before it happened.
Mortanius: You're treading on dangerous ground here, Malek.
Malek: Nosgothian girls really dig damned guys.
Mortanius: I hate my job. (leaves)
Malek: Heheh, it's funny when the author forgets something.
**************************************************************************** *************
Kain finds the sign reading 'Ziegsturhl'.
Kain: This was where the bloody deed of my murder took place. Although the arrow were from somewhere else. I hate this.
Corey: Quit complaining, goth-boy, or I'll saw you in half.
Kain: This is medieval times. You don't have a chainsaw.
The chainsaw gets replaced by a katana. (for those of you who don't know, a samurai-sword)
Corey: Oh yeah!
Kain: I take it the author has been playing shadow warrior.
Hell yes!!
Kain: I hate this.
Corey: Oh, shut up.
Kain: So where are we going?
Corey: I don't know.
They see a building with a sign, saying: Cosmetic ass-kickings. Owned by Dumah.
Kain: Okay, I gotta see this!
They enter the store, where Dumah is talking to a dumbass customer.
Dumbass customer 1 (looking in a magazine): I was looking at a 'skull- buster' to 228,57 bucks, does it hurt?
Dumah: ... Yep. (smiles)
Dumbass customer 2: I was in last week getting a kick in my balls, but it is as if the color has faded. Could you re-do it?
Kain: .... I hate danish humour.
Corey: Hell, that joke doesn't even belong to the author.
Kain: It was much better originally. He messed it up.
Corey: Yeah. Let's get out of here.
They leave.
Dumbass customer 3: How much does a whooping cost?
**************************************************************************** *****
Kain: Wanna go inside the bar I was kicked out off, and get revenge?
Corey: Umah's not born yet, Kain.
Kain: The hell? How was she there before, then?
Corey: Kain, you know COAD by now.
Kain: Right, plotholes and lots of them.
Corey: Yeah.
Kain: Where are we supposed to go?
Mortanius (telepathically): To the pillars!!!!
Kain: .. No need for the drama, Morty.
Morty: Shut up, Kain.
The duo heads off for the pillars. Suddenly, they look at the pillars from a not too distant future. I mean distance. Yes.
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. Even in life, few sights have moved me such as this. I marveled that such beauty should grace our dying world. He's messing up the story.
Corey: As he does with every story. Get over it, Kain.
Kain: Or what?
Corey: Or I'll slice your ear off.
Kain (draws his sword): Bring it on, big-pants-boy!
Corey: You suck at insults, you know that?
The two clashes with each other in a furious sword fight. Kain swings for Corey, but he dodges and slashes upwards, so Kain has to dodge backwards to avoid it. He slashes wildly at Corey, who blocks everything, though with difficulty. Eventually, Kain cuts Corey's arm.
Kain: Hahah, I'm victorious! Bow down to me!!
Corey cuts Kain in the jugular.
Kain: agou! I'll glet ylou flor thlat!
Corey: I think not, goth-boy.
Kain's wound heals up. He jumps for Corey, but Corey dodges out of the way. Kain spins in the air, then kneels down. He spins the sword in the air, hitting ANYTHING that comes near him. Corey holds his distance, though. Suddenly, Kain jumps for Corey, catching him off-guard. He pokes Corey in the eye.
Corey: JESUS! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?!
The 2 have failed to realise, that their fight has taken them to the pillars.
Corey: Whoops.
Something is floating around at the pillars. It turns out to be Ariel.
Ariel: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you.
Kain: She's a raving maniac! She talks to herself!
Ariel: Shut up, Kain.
Kain: Keep your distance or I'll send you back to Hell, spirit!
Corey: Umm, are you sure about that?
Kain: Yeah, why?
Corey: There aren't any ghosts down there.
Kain: Oh. Oh yeah. That's right, I didn't see any ghosts down there.
Ariel: There is nothing left of me to fear, vampire. I am only a shadow of my former self- Ariel, the Balance of the Circle of Nine. Even so, I can provide the answers you seek.
Kain: What's the meaning of life? Where do babies come from? Why can't I escape these crappy parodies? What's the secret to women? Why doesn't Defiance arrive in Europe until Febuary the 6th 2004, while it's out on the shelves today in America? Do you have a vase? Do you have a vase? Is God dead? Why does COAD write in script form? Was Bush right in bombing the hell out of Afghanistan? Why does COAD always forget to promise reviewers something, like beating the shit out of Moebius with an aluminium baseball bat?
Ariel: ................ Is he always like that?
Corey: I take it Concept is out of ideas right now.
Which means: TEENY-BOPPER SEQUENCE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH......... Or maybe not.
Ariel: So what can I get you guys?
Kain: I seek only a cure.
Ariel: There is no cure for death- only release. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, though. You must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth. This has a lot to do with you being a vampire. Only then will you realize peace. The Nine of the Protectors of Hope were sworn to use their powers to preserve our world. Now these pillars have been corrupted by a traitor. My murder at the hands of this beast drove my love, Nupraptor, mad.
Kain: I thought the light from his head was what drove him mad.
Ariel: Actually, it was due to me playing with his carefully balanced scales in the end of the beginning sequence.
Camera shows Nupraptor sewing his eyes shut then switch back to the Pillars.
Kain: Why is Nuppys head suddenly appearing in the middle of the screen?
Ariel: Vorador was in the flashback machine again. That man has a fixation with "milk".
Kain: Yeah, just like Moebius. (shakes from remembering.)
Ariel: Now he spreads misery and pain among the Circle, crumbling the very foundation of Nosgoth, because the circle was definitely the ones who built Nosgoth. You must restore balance. You must right the Pillars of Nosgoth.
Kain: I care not for the fate of this world.
Ariel: Then for yourself, Kain. Beware the Unspoken.
Kain: Is that another name for Voldemort?
Corey: I think she's talking about Hash, Kain.
Kain: Oh, that dude. I forgot all about him. Hrhem. Nupraptor, with his blind act of vengeance, (get it, he sew his eyes shut. He can't see) threatened to destroy all of Nosgoth. Or maybe just the areas of the game that we visit. Each Circle member was bonded with duct-tape to the Pillar he served. The Pillars reflected the mental state of their servants, and as the minds of the Circle degenerated and descended further into dementia, the Pillars crumbled. And the duct-tape broke. To restore them, each member of the Circle had to die and the artifact that served as their link to the Pillar had to be returned and duct-taped to the pillar it represented. Only when all the Pillars were restored did Ariel claim my curse would end, because killing people will definitely remove vampirism. And so, my hunt for Nupraptor began.
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Kain and Corey walks to steinchencroe, or Smelly-town.
Kain: The town of Smelly-town bore with it the infamous aroma of its inhabitants, along with very bad music, thanks to N'Sync. In life, I would not have graced the place with my presence. In death, I merely added to the stench. Although the music made me heave for air.
Corey: GOD, THIS PLACE STINKS! AND THE MUSIC SUCKS!
Kain: Quit complaining, you whiny bastard.
Corey: Wanna fight again?
Kain: Bring it on!
They fight, and eventually end up at Irmok the mads restaurant.
Kain: Restaurant? What the bleeding hell is he talking about? The psycho is stirring in one freaking pot. Doesn't look very edible, either. Never the less, this lunatic was delighted to see me. Perhaps his madness would reveal a greater truth. Like fortune cookies.
Irmok: The bastards of Steinchencroe shun me as Nosgoth shuns them, due to their incredible stench! THEY F-CKING SMELL BADLY!!! I know what it means to be an outsider, vampire, that's why I'm all dressed in black. I fear you not, but remember this- there are others who will speak to you so long as you know how to look.
Kain: What a bunch of shallow bastards this place is.
Irmok: Yeah, what are you gonna do? (stirs in pot)
Kain and Corey walks on.
Kain: The gypsies- purveyors of distrust and superstition. Most of their babble should be taken with a pinch of salt or pepper (or chili, yummie! ), since the gypsies often tinker with weary travelers' minds, with the aid of mirrors and cards. However, a few gypsies have something interesting to say. Like wether Spielbergs next movie will be a hit, or wether Eddie Murphy will be black for another ten years, or wether Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak english with accent. Or you can have your fortune told with the aid of cards. Them gypsies like cards.
Some gypsie throws some cards at the duo of psycho.
Gypsie: ME UGGA-BUGGA MAN! ME SMITE YOU!!! (throws another card)
Kain/Corey stares in shock at the dancing stereotype in front of them.
Corey: Isn't the gypsie stereotype different? Weren't they supposed to be thieves?
Suddenly, the two wears nothing at all. They look at each other.
Kain/Corey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH H!!!!!! GIVE US OUR CLOTHES BACK!!!!
They get back all of their clothing, then commits gypsie-holocaust. Instead of a swastika, they have the reaver laid vertically over a vertical katana. Looks like an X.
Corey: This story is really losing it.
Slaves: HEIL KAIN/COREY!!!!
Okay, we move on, because that was freaking odd!!!
They arrive at Vasserbunde, where bright neon light greets them. The sign reads New Reno.
Kain: Wow, his memory actually goes back to Fallout 2!
Corey: Amazing, isn't it?
Kain: I wanna work for John Bishop.
Wanna get back on story? (point is emphasised with the aid of acid)
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!! Okay. Vasserbunde lay, its glory now stained and faded. A religiously faithful child in the looming shadow of Nupraptor's Retreat. Plus, they don't get out much.
Nearby, a gas-truck gasses up. A woman in black leather clothing runs for a phonebox, and the truck slams into it, just as she picks up the phone. Some suited people climbs out of the truck.
Agent 1: She got away.
Agent 2: Never mind, we have the name of their next target. His name is Neo.
Corey and Kain gasps at the Matrix ripoff.
Agent 3: Could you tell us the name of the city, that Neo lives in?
Kain: It's not here.
Corey: Try America.
Agent 1: I told you, Nosgoth is not where he was going to be.
Agent 3: Shut up. It's not like you never make mistakes.
Kain (like Dr. Evil): Riiiiiiight.
The two look up at Nupraptor's retreat, from the center of the town.
Kain: Nupraptor's Keep lay west of Vasserbunde. I would seek to cut the cancer from its heart. Sort of a radical cure, but what the hell.
They hear screams from the west.
Kain: The wind carried screams from the west. I could not help but smile- someone else in this world was suffering more than I. What a sadist I am ^_^! I wonder if it was an S/M lair.
Corey: Dude, it's freaking Nupraptor's retreat, not a bloody S/M lair! Sheesh. Isn't there anything else on your mind?
They do all the stuff necessary for entering Nupraptor's retreat.
Corey: The gaping maw of Nupraptor's Retreat rained upon Nosgoth all his pain and misery. The disease begged to be cleansed.
Kain: I knew it! He's a masochist, too! And.. Hey! You stole my lines!
Corey: Yeah, and?
Kain: It has to be said with my sexy voice!
Corey: Kain, you sound like Steve Urcle right now.
Kain (sucking on a helium baloon, aka high pitched voice): No I don't!
Corey: Let's just move on.
They travel through the cavern, though without a walkthrough, so they get stuck right around the beginning of the main retreat. Dumbasses.
Corey: Better than you. You look from game to walkthrough all the time.
Kain: The Mentalist Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his tricks of the mind, telepathy, and telekinesis. Pilgrims traveled from all across the land, seeking the comfort of his lies. (looks around) Heh, COAD'esque in-joke, heheh. I sought not his wisdom, but his life. And his lightbulb head. This crappy light spell doesn't light the place up enough.
They get pretty far in.
Nupraptor (Through telepathy): You dare intrude upon my sanctuary? Can I not mourn in peace? Leave! Leave and let my solitude be complete!
Kain: You would get more guests if you weren't so bitter, Nupraptor.
Nupraptor: Leave me alone, assholes.
Kain: You won't get any guests with that attitude. I bid thee farewell. (goes to leave)
Corey: Kain, where are you going?! We need to kill him!
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot for a second.
They come to a place.
Kain: I came upon one of Nupraptor's serving girls, catatonic with fear, choking out half-words through bloodied, broken teeth. Ugly! Although tempted by hunger (not really, her teeth sorta made me barf), I stayed my hand, allowing her to tell her story. She spoke of her Lord, Nupraptor, driven to insanity by the brutal slaying of his beloved Ariel. She spoke of his self-mutilation (he must be a goth), sewing his eyes and lips shut to deny the outside world. Maybe he should have sewn his ears shut, too, so he couldn't hear. Fueled by despair and hopelessness (and he was depressed, too), he turned his magic on the Circle, infecting their minds with his madness. Nupraptor cared for nothing now, save his pathetic self-pity, and his upstarted nu-metal band. Scars such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy. I wouldn't drink her blood, though. She was freaking ugly! Damn!
They look at the mutilated corpses around them.
Kain: The cretin squandered life and left it seeping on the floor. Such waste was a travesty, even though he probably didn't care about feeding vampires! Perhaps Nupraptor needed to be taught a lesson as to the value of blood. Heheh, I'll force him to write on a card-board: Blood is good! Heheh, that would teach him.
Corey: coughlooneycough.
They find the schizo view, aka skull eyes of Nuppy's retreat. They watch through the uncorrupt window first.
Kain: From the depths of the Retreat's eye sockets, I viewed Nosgoth in a different fashion. The glass seemed to warp the image and taint the color. As if Nosgoth needed assistance in making its corruption apparent.
Corey: Uhh, Kain, you are looking through the wrong window.
Kain: Wha.? Oh damn it, I hate this.
Corey: Maybe you should memorise the script, instead of reading from it at the wrong time.
Kain: Shut up! (starts crying)
Corey: Pansy.
They arrive at the place where Nuppy and Malek awaits them.
Nupraptor: So Malek, have you come to fail the Circle once more? Leave, Paladin! I do not need your protection. Come, Kain. Come, share my pain... Hey! That rhymed. That's gonna be part of the new album!
Corey: Damn nu-metallist!
Kain: So this was the Mentalist Nupraptor. This broken, pathetic little man. Yet crippled as he was, he would not yield without battle. Very well, old fool, if it is death you seek, I will not deny you!
Corey and Kain fights Nupraptor. He fights them with the aid of the crappy music him and his band makes. And he throws discs at them. Really fast.
Kain: I WAAANT REPEEL!!!
Corey: Just kill him, damnit!
Kain: I can't get to him, now can I?
Corey runs really fast up to Nupraptor (meaning, he runs to him Anime style, aka disappearing from view, and appearing right behind Nuppy) He severs his head. Kain picks it up.
Kain: And now, a famous quote. Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.
About a million Kain fans cheer for him.
Corey: Not fair. I killed him.
Nupraptor rises behind Corey.
Kain: Duck, Corey!
Corey ducks, and Kain cuts Nupraptor's corpse in 2 pieces. All of his fans cheer.
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.
No need to repeat yourself, Kain.
Kain: Why can't I have fun?
Shut up and deal with it!
Kain: 'sniff' Perhaps the head of her beloved will convince Ariel that I have accomplished my task. And I'm sure she'll like the fact that I killed her boyfriend. Wow, just like I doomed Raziel. She must hate me by now. That's 2 boyfriends of her's that I killed/damned. I love this! ^_^!
Corey: Let's go find the mace.
They do so, smashing up a Stonehenge kind of thingy.
Kain (describing the mace): The mace is amongst my most useful of weapons (cracks up with laughter. Yeah right, it's the most unused weapon ever), for it merely stuns my victims, allowing me ample time to feed. Will be absolutely pointless, once we get blood gout and blood shower, due to us playing with cheats.
Corey: What?! Does this mean we won't need the hearts of darness? But I've been so busy collecting them. (breaks down)
All of Corey's fangirls run in, to comfort him. (A/N: Okay, how many of those exist? Hands up, if you're a Corey fan)
Corey fangirl 1: Shush, dear. It will be alright.
Corey fangirl 2: I wanna comfort him, too. (does so)
Kain: I hate you, Corey.
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Okay, longer chapter, huh? 12 pages AND in pint 12.
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