Few hours Later

Kantiss Pov

A soft knock at the door pulled Katniss out of the light meditative state she'd managed to attain after two hours of controlled breathing and consciously clearing her mind. She rose with a sigh, padding to the door in her socks and long nightshirt. "Who is it?"

"Me."

(*Peeta. Shit.*)

Katniss opened the door just enough to look through the crack. "Look, this isn't-"

"Yeah." He nodded his agreement. "Just wanted to say... just..." Katniss had seen Peeta look nervous before and uncomfortable. His blue eyes finally lifted to hers. "I just want you to know it's more than just the kiss, alright? But whatever you decide, if you decide, it doesn't change the way I feel. You will always be that girl who sang her way into my heart. The Girl who saved my life in the arena" Nodding as if to confirm his own statement, Peeta walked away without another word.

Katniss closed the door, face blank, and went back to bed. And tried to sleep.

But sleep never Came.

…

It's daytime, but it still looks dark in my little room down the hall. It's something like my other room. But it's smaller. And colder. Or maybe that's my imagination. I can't tell anymore.

It's almost funny how surreal everything is. I sat at the window with the curtain pulled back today and watched the rain for the better part of four hours. Usually I love rainy days. I remember hunting with Gale after the war when we first started dating and making him walk with me in the rain. For a time while I watched the rain, it seemed that day hadn't been so long ago. It was years, though, really.

I wonder how long I've been sitting in this room, trying to think, to not think, to remember, to forget. It can't be more than a day or two. Or maybe a week. Everything is fuzzy, hazy like the clouds outside. Gray.

I can hear the school bells in distance Sometimes. So I know when classes end, When I See the kids run out of the School , free and without a care in the world, I feel a pang of pain in my heart as it reminds me of Prim. That gives me some idea of time. But not much. The minute the sounds are gone, I forget. Or I remember something else.

A clap of thunder rings out and I jump, despite having watched the flash of lightening shoot down only moments before. And thunder always follows lightening.

Cause and effect.

I remember the first time I tried to treat Peeta in the cave, i remember the way my heart pounded in my chest and the fear of losing him when he lay there barley moving, He was attacked because he tried to help me. He spoke about the time he first saw me, the time he fell in love with me, the time he heard me sing. No one apart from My family ever knew about me singing and yet he remembered the details like it was just yesterday, even though it might have seemed brief or insincere to someone else, I could tell he meant it. Peeta was the most honest person alive and he never tells anything he doesn't mean.

"I just want you to know it's more than just the kiss, alright? But whatever you decide, if you decide, it doesn't change the way I feel."

I rub the back of my arms with my hands and try to force his words from my mind, at least for now. They just make it harder to think. At least the room isn't as cold now. Maybe the rain will stop too.

Back in bed again. Not sleeping. I actually can't remember the last time I slept without a nightmare. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I always had them. Before the games it was about the mining explosion that killed dad. The only time I felt safe to sleep without worry …. Was in safety of his arms. I can't get my mind to be quiet long enough to relax, to let sleep come

Of course, the thinking itself is even harder than the trying not to think. It hurts more. I wish I could be removed from it all. Not just down the hall from everything and everyone but outside it, beyond it, above it. No longer part of life. At least not of my life. I have a decision to make, and I can't even begin to make it.

How do I choose between the man I've known for years and the man I'm falling in love with?

Falling in love with ? ...

God, I didn't even realize that until I thought about it.

I am falling for him.

or I fell for him long ago , years ago on that rainy day like today. i fell for him on

The day he gave with the Bread that saved my life and my entire family.

The day he Became MY boy with the Bread.

My thoughts started to get ahead of me and out of my control as i unwillingly processed the situation.

and maybe again on the next day when i realized he became my Dandelion.

But after that day i had already started to build walls to keep people away from my heart and somehow he got stuck at that wall , neither inside my heart but also not out of it completely

then it happened. the games happened. and his name was called. Then the walls started to crumble and erode away. The more time i spent with him the more confused my head had become ... JUST LIKE NOW !

Dammit. That's why I try not to think. It just makes things worse. I roll over, close my eyes, and pray for sleep.

But My mind is still not at ease and keeps me awake.

Gale , the one who help me survive before the games, is my best friend.

Peeta, is the reason i survived ... I survived my Dad's death because of his bread and then i survives the games because of him too. He is my ... Boy with the bread ... And ...

What is he to me ?

Ugh!... I need it to stop thinking, at least for a little while.