Evil Jungle
As lady-death ventured around she soon came into view of the mud the schizophrenic researcher mentioned. Vast areas were covered by it and it stood there looking rather treacherous; she did not see any leprechaun though, or its corpse. It was wiser to make way around it, who knows how deep it went; Croft was doing just that when she noticed something far up ahead. It had been hard to detect since it wasn't moving; when the woman got closer she stopped and stared until the man caught sight of her too.
He was just standing there and even if he wanted to move he couldn't since he was stuck mid-waist in the sludge, right in the middle of the big puddle. One would think that his little escapade would have proven to be a reasonably bad idea early enough before he went that far, but apparently he was dumber than that. The brain dead man eventually lifted his arm and waved at her, smiling; though her face remained stoic.
«Nice evening, isn't it?»
« …Are, you alright….?»
« Huh? Oh, me! Yeah, I totally meant to do that.»
She sized him slowly, he painfully swallowed, « Well uh, they say it's good for the skin, so I guess I couldn't resist. Plus, errr, I'll bet there's a really rare artifact in here, somewhere. So two for the price of one; or something like that….»
He kept on blinking. She spotted a tiger nearby that had caught scent of the trapped pray; the animal sniffed the surroundings near the swamp and growled in annoyance knowing its meal was out of reach. Well that wasn't really good news since the man was still trapped in there and if he did manage to get out, a famished beast was waiting for him. Anyway he clearly didn't require help so she moved on.
Lara started walking away under the eyes of the stupid tourist, which grew wider as she turned her back at him then disappeared among trees. The stomach of the tiger rumbled as well, the man turned its way and laughed nervously. From now on it was he either died of hunger in here or got eaten on his way out; or he plunged his head in the morass to commit suicide….. Or he could wait for somebody else to show up.
He nodded, yup that was the best course of action; someone was bound to show up soon in this desolated part of deep and dense jungle in such a far, far away part of the globe. That is if mosquitoes didn't kill him first….the man got tearful eyes for some reason.
When Croft arrived at precise spot she suddenly froze in place as a loading bar appeared right beside her, when it was done she blinked multiple times, looking around in stupor, «….What, in the hell, was that….. ..….. ….»
As she said this one of those damn annoying baboons rolled by and scratched its butt, then staring at her it sniffed its fingers. Lara got so grossed out that she crippled the little body with hundred of bullets and cooked it with a flamethrower for at least seventeen minutes. Replacing the weapon on its designated rack drilled to a tree nearby, she whispered, «Reminded me of an ex of mine..….»
Shivers went up her spine and if ammo would have helped get rid of the memory she would have gladly emptied a whole magazine inside her head.
But like usual, it was not the last time those primates would be unfortunate enough to cross her path, since they all seemed truly exceedingly obsessed with stealing the medicinal packs that laid around: but they were rightfully hers so she'd shoot their fleas-ridden bodies to hell, or better yet ride them over with the quad. That did cause problems in some occurrence when the little fur balls would get jammed between the tires and Lara would have to rip the monkeys apart from under there, leaving the dismembered animal around as warning to others. As for the presence of health packs, they probably grew in the trees and fell off when ripe.
After killing some more endangered species Lara slid down an exit from the last visited ruins, thus got reunited with Tony whom was merely drifting peacefully on the river below on some hand-made craft. She also noticed he had built himself a rudimentary pair of spectacles with small tree branches and leaves. When he saw her he uncrossed his arm and started laughing again, then the temple behind her started to collapse by some of his telepathic means. And also thanks to having shoved the Infada Stone inside his chest, because when you want awesome powers you're ready to do that. «The liar, he said he wasn't into voodoo….!»
She then had to roll-dodge the falling pillars for an eternity, «Were there really that many?!», once finally over she seated only to watch Tony disappear along the river, smiling at her. Well it was too late to aim at his face and blow it off, so she got up and magically found a 4X4 just laying around there with her name carved in it. The colors weren't as cool as her own quad bike back at her manor but still. When she sat on the engine, a song started playing, whenever she dismounted it stopped; it was exactly like back then in Tibet with the snowmobile. «Gosh, great times those…» She remained there a few hours screwing around like this; the fate of the world can wait.
During her search for Tony, or hopefully his corpse, she came across two other carcasses. One was stuck mid-air in a corner; limbs limp at his sides and a nice gory slice coursing from his face down to his abdomen. There was also a bundle of flares right underneath him which implied he had excreted it once dead. The other man was also floating above some sort of ceremonial pedestal in the middle of the room as light filtered in from above between jungle leaves, putting a mystic emphasis on the situation plus that hole in his torso which was amazingly even.
Lara soon figured who they were and had guessed right even before she saw the empty bags of chips dirtying the temple. After analyzing the deceased who were hilariously held as such, plus throwing pebbles through the fleshy hole getting a score of 25/27, she took pictures. «Pff, amateurs. Taken religious devotion to a whole new level, didn't you. Should really learn to bring a Memory Card next time…. right, what next time huh? Haha! » Afterwards she grabbed a bag of chips and started eating, making her way through deadly traps, pits of fire and mud of doom all the while: fucking pro.
Using the bike she played around with her life still all while decimating monkey road-kill style. Croft even ventured atop small stony paths where no sane individual would while riding a bike. She came across additional ravenous piranhas but shoving a primate, dead or alive, in the water usually solved the problem; then she was free to cross with all limbs intact. Those damn disease-ridden fur balls though, they still often appeared out of nowhere and sneak up on her, trying to snack on her legs. They weren't nearly as much as when she was being constantly harassed in Greece by over 9999 gorillas in each new room, but this damn jungle was plagued with their specie nonetheless. Later on, vultures also wanted her dead but the one she met seemed to be having brain damage as it tried to fly through a stoned wall endlessly. «Here let me help you. », she aimed then fired and the bird fell down with a flop into the water.
Otherwise now there were cobras lying everywhere and waiting right around corners as if they knew exactly where to position themselves to perform a stealthy surprise attack. Bet they were as surprised when bullets pierced their skin…. in another portion of a temple she dropped through an opening in the ground only to find herself surrounded by twelve cobras lined up along each side of the walls. She avoided another boulder and exploded all the snakes into ashes. «What was that, a secret reptile reunion of some kind…? »
Getting revenge on the cobras for such trickery, she soon got lost into an underground labyrinth where she mainly hit her face on walls by lack of flares, ripped her knees and hands open by constantly being forced to wander on all fours, plus got bitten by poisonous snakes but none of it stopped the Tomb Poisoned. After two weeks of that she finally located another slippery slope and slid down, only to find Tony standing there in the middle of the room, eating lasagna.
«Hey asshole!» She wanted to look tough but the abrupt contact with the horizontal ground made her trip, she skipped along trying to regain balance but only managed to fall into the water before her.
He watched her spit and cough, «Long day is it….»
«What is this, this isn't water!?»
«Yeah I just took a leak there a few seconds ago so that would explain it.»
Lara jumped out backward then savagely pulled a tooth brush from her hair and vigorously cleaned her mouth, «You'll pay for this.», then drank some acid.
«Can't it wait a minute?»
«Well since you're asking: NO!»
«Damn it, I can't even enjoy this dish in peace?!»
Her eyes fired up, «I'll feed you something else.», she quickly aimed at him.
He laughed, lifted off the ground and as he spread his limbs the water all around them turned to some kind of lava. Well that's power. She glared at the orange pool though, after all these years her Scorching Nemesis still wanted her dead. Oh she recalled all the close calls they had, the competitions for dominance…..
Tony briefly glanced back and forth between her and the hot liquid as the woman just stood there staring at it, he then interrupted the little reunion «Oh come on that's not fair! Here I am all mighty but you decide to give your attention to…. whatever you're doing right now? », then started throwing fire balls at her thanks to now being imbued with the element of fire. Croft revolved around him avoiding the lake of doom jumping from platforms to platforms, plus his fiery balls. That seems wrong. However his echoing laughter indicated that he too might have thought about the joke that she was dodging his balls.
With each new thrust of his arms, balls of fire came out and it seemed that he could go on endlessly. Well he seemed to be enjoying himself greatly with each new throw, so much it made Lara think of how it sounded as if he was touching himself- she then suddenly slipped, fell then caught on fire and died.
Indifferent or oblivious, the man kept throwing balls here and there; what's the point to sit back down anyway since his meal was now overcooked…..
However Lara reloaded and was now facing his behind, «Hey piece of shit. »
The man revolved around, «Whut? No way-»
His eyes grew bigger through his glassless spectacles and she pulled his underwear upward now hurting everything contained in it, before shoving his upper body in the fire; gurgles were heard as he screamed while she kept him down seated over his ass. Once dead the artifact came popping out of his butt so she tossed the rest of him in there. The hot liquid burped, eyeing it wrong she said icily, «Stay where you belong… in my memories. », and touched the artifact sending her to her next mission.
A certain wanna-be soldier with blonde spiky hair walked from a corner lifting his palms up, «….Really…?» So not easy being a hero with shiny blue eyes that makes you look like you're always on the verge of crying.
Suddenly higher flame arose from the liquid also triggering a threatening song, then some tall man dressed in leather walked right through, his chilly eyes locking unto the other man, «…Rematch. », he smiled.
«….poop…. »