Can't All Be Heroes
Her adventure over, she went to a hotel but verifying the fee for a night made her eyes bulge. The woman is wealthy but she didn't see why she would waste that much money on a hotel, so Croft ascended the side of the building and broke in an empty room instead. Well it wasn't entirely empty; she just hurled herself at the occupant, tied him up with strings of her hair before locking him in the bathroom. Settling down contentedly on the bed, her boots leaving mud and dinosaur blood all over the sheet, she began reading a book she had stolen from LardsOn's corpse. Yeah, I know, unbelievable….but it was probably something Natla had asked him to return for her at the library.
I reckon, still implausible….
As she read it, Lara began hallucinating. The guy in the bathroom suddenly heard gibberish plus someone screaming, which made him think the crazy woman was coming for him next so he sank further near the floor. Well I hope he's comfortable because his insane attacker would later forget of his presence and leave him there to die….
Our Tomb Rider had recognized the high mountain she had seen in her forced vision so she traveled there. After ascending with only her nails and teeth as equipment, Lara arrived to the entrance of her next objective. Seeing that someone had preceded her on that quest, she neared the extinguished fire and leaned to pick up the empty can of beans, it read "Extra Saucy with Tomato Juice!".
«Tssh Pierre, you little shit. Trashing a great place like this; next thing I know you'll be marking your territory with piss. »
She would then only have to follow the smell of nauseous gas to him. Croft got inside the temple and immediately got assaulted by lionesses who really hated her for some reason; then Pierre showed up and started firing at her, she was sick and tired of being shot at. Well the woman unloaded a shitload of cartridges inside his body but he did not seem to mind at all. Anyone else would have died by now but it seemed he was made of steel, or poop; yeah definitely poop. As she ran after him while still firing she made out the drawing on the back of his jacket; it was actually him posing with his handguns like a cocky dumbass.
He revolved around another pillar still trying to confuse her, «You cannot possibly beat me Cruft; I am faster than you and my superior skills-»
She suddenly leaped at his throat then started strangling him; he managed to say «Please no, I'll share the loot with you! »
She groaned «To later back-stab me at the first occasion! »
«Why yes. Wait non that's n—»
Ensued shots fired endlessly directly into his eyes, echoing throughout the huge hall; so much every other animal that were getting ready to assault her through this level ran off. Where did they run off to? Ask Noah.
After robbing Pierre's corpse of his magnums and other personal belongings, she continued on with her adventure in Greece. She managed not to drown a few times, seeing that these levels were mostly flooded for some reason and were a natural habitat for crocodiles. Lara vaguely wondered on what these animals all fed on, perhaps the rats that were the size of dogs sufficed; but they probably turned cannibal at some point, maybe even on their own organisms in the end. Some of the images running through her mind made her snicker, however her laughter suddenly stopped once she ended in the next area. It was a very huge place and it expended quite further down, also there was this calm supernatural tune that had started and it conveyed the feeling that this is where she would certainly die. It faded off leaving her with this ominous vibe, she glanced down, «…Very comforting indeed. », before twenty bats assaulted her nearly making her lose balance.
Well danger being what she lives for, Croft jumped into the action, pulling millions of levers and jumping-climbing gazillions of ledges plus almost got herself killed by lightening; close call. Inescapable lightening inside a closed area, brilliant idea bordering on dementia! Then hovering swords equipped with tracking programs, marvelous designs! A never-ending flooded passage made to drown people, wonderful architecture! Thor, Damocles, and Neptune; our thrill-seeker was in utter bliss so much she pissed her underwear from elation. Fortunately she always brings an extra pair. Piss happens.
Moreover she almost had her butt chopped off by a gate as it suddenly dropped down behind her, or killed by more boulders but splendidly managed to avoid demise yet again, «That's how pros do it.», said she right before jumping and ramming her forehead on a ledge above. Meritorious. She had not bothered gathering all the goddamn keys from every rooms and was now reaching ground level when she suddenly started to get shot at again. Lara couldn't believe it, she had definitely obliterated his head but still there he was. She got mad and said in between clenched teeth, «You're messing with me? You bloody dare fuck with me!? I'm fucking coming you little cock sucker! » and off the ledge she dropped, already holding her shotgun. Who knows how he had survived only to re-spawn here, who knows where he'd found those guns; right now all that mattered is that he'd fucking feel this.
«Let's see if you're so tough once dead! », she chased him around like before and he was really getting on her nerves as he tried to run away in order to magically disappear once passed a pillar. «Sure run in circles, that's a proper method! », a chunk of his head exploded, «What's the matter, nowhere to hide? » Then she had an idea and grabbed the shitty Magnums she had robed from his corpse, «Or would you like me to shoot you with your own guns? », she fired him in the legs thus tearing them off from his body, he fell as blood splattered then she shot his arms off before destroying his face. Croft stood there over her bleeding enemy, lips thinned into a fine line, brows severely narrowed and knuckles white.
A lion dared interfere at that moment; let's just mention he got brutally over killed….
The next level— err, adventure, brought her into a sort of interior coliseum, naturally she had to decimate additional hordes of lion and lionesses who just came at her ten at once every time. And, most regrettably, that little shit showed up yet again, «Back for more!? », she still chased him around, endlessly shooting at his back as he ran away for an hour straight, until he magically vanished around a corner. Croft was more than annoyed and spat, «Piss off!», now glaring at the wall ahead. She then swung around and opened fire on the goddamn gorilla that was screaming below until its body separated in half from the endless flow of the Uzis. «Fucking monkeys. », oh, if only she knew it was far from over, and I'm referring to the other games as well…..
After discovering a well-hidden room, Croft stumbled upon the wonderful hand of Midas. Oh she knew what this meant and wondered what use she could make of it. Of course the thought of pushing Pierre on it immediately crossed her mind, at least then he would be worth something….
Croft couldn't bear to depart and not turn something to gold, leave such a discovery out here, forgotten and rendered useless. So she did something quite natural really, she went back to chase one of the crocodile, wrestled with it in the dirt then pulled it back to the effigy somehow and pushed her catch on it. There, she had a nice golden trophy to bring back home. She picked it up; it now weighted a lot more than before, and placed it in her bottomless backpack.
Smiling, she went on; though soon a hundred of fucking annoying gorillas quickly ruined that serenity as they came out of fucking nowhere and absolutely without end. So after wasting over 9999 ammunitions she snapped «What the HELL is up with these endless hordes of FUCKING MONKEYS!? »
Emptying magazines into them all barely sufficed to calm her down since she was so enraged, their damn scream and noise echoing in her head long after they were all decimated. Her grip on her pistols were absolute, knuckles white and her jaw tight; the next gorilla would fucking feel it. It was when you least expect it, when you thought that killing forty of them was enough, that surely there weren't any more in the vicinity…that one hundred more showed up yet again.
After remaining stiff there for an entire hour, she moved on. Up to this day the prints of her feet remain visible at this very spot. I bet Von Croy would have liked to elucidate that mystery…..
Next she popped in a flooded place with moldy walls everywhere; she'd encounter many crocodiles and huge rats with red eyes plus some more goddamn gorillas. She dropped from a ledge only to be welcomed by one of them rodents, it ran her way and started chewing on her leg but she mainly stared at how huge it was. It had attained her bone when she finally shot it, «That's a veeerrrryyyyyy big rat. », she entered the adjacent room and jumped on a block in order to avoid more gnawing at her delicious flesh. Lately she had been watching Sherlock's BBC and now recalling an episode made her play with a certain sentence, «They were the footprints of a gigantic RAT! », while watching the rodent run around trying to get to her, before abruptly putting an end to its dilemma.
Then she dropped through another hole which led her to a bigger flooded area, «Nice, more fucking around to get to places that are useless only to pull bloody levers or get keys that I'll discard once used. » frustrated, she unloaded several shotgun shells on the ground receiving chunks in her face and nearly exploding her toes.
And of course that one piece of shit who really likes to get shot at returned, I bet it turns him on or something because this is seriously getting out of hand. She opened fire, «What, is this some sort of fetish of yours, what's wrong with you!? You and your silly mustache!», until he magically disappeared right in front of her eyes where he had no way of going. She breathed into a bag several times then focused on the water below, there was a rat swimming in there. Lara dove in but the rodent couldn't harm her because she remained underneath it, so it swam in circle above her head because apparently it could only move about the surface.
The woman emerged thus allowing it to take a bite of her hand, Lara started swimming towards the edge but the rat followed her, it really just wanted to chew on her eyes but she found it adorable, «So cute, I got a pet now. » She exited the filthy green water and stared as it kept dipping away, «Just freely swimming in there, with no care in the world. », then she aimed at it and fired but the rodent disappeared under a platform, she waited for another minute but it never showed up. «…Are you drowning? », nothing happened, «Most likely, you're drowning. », so she moved on.
Croft entered another area where she had to jump from ledge to ledge while going higher, but first she had to annihilate gorillas that obviously just wanted to savagely get blown away. «Pierre's family. Why? Because they're as FUCKING annoying as him!», saying this she reached a ledge and was getting ready to jump off it when bullets pierced her ass. Her face and voice became icy cold, «Speaking of which….», she dropped, almost breaking her legs, «Fuck off! This is my turf, you haven't got the balls for it!» aaaaand he was gone through thin air, «Oh look he just bloody vanished again, just like that. If he's so good at it then why doesn't he disappear for good and stay GONE!?»
Lara dipped her ass in more filthy liquid but found out that a rat had not been triggered; it just stood there at the bottom of the flooded room not moving. She spent some time staring at it, petting its filthy fur and offering some biscuits, until she nearly choked on water. Later she had to jump past sharp devices balancing in her path, «That looks really safe, let's go there. », only to be grabbing unto a ledge and end up face to face with her biggest nightmare. As Pierre popped out of the corner and walked in circle like the idiot that he is, she leveled herself above and said low, «Ohh, it's you…. », then the usual followed while she yelled 'DIIIEEEEEE!' until he ran through some deadly contraption and stood right in it but didn't die. Croft stopped blinking though her indexes kept pressing the triggers, «….and you can do that HOW? » after having the sharp edges mercilessly cut through his skin one more time, he left.
In another portion of this stinking place she exited water and saw that a rat was right in front of her but remained still, Croft stared and threw it a finger Pierre had left behind but the rodent didn't care for the unappetizing limb. Obviously it moved once she stepped over the designed spot and immediately went for her leg so she exploded it. Not long afterwards she encountered gorillas that had the exact same problem, «Bloody hell, what's up with you all…? », once they fired to life one shotgun shell in each of their faces got rid of all the infuriating yells. «How 'bout you shut up. »
After wandering endlessly in the bowels of forgotten Greece history, she discovered the tomb of TheOweCan; along with two horsemen-creatures guarding his door which tried to blow her up, and once defeated they'd blow up plus nearly setting her on fire. «…fffuuuck…. »Now that was something. She stepped in and was about to admire the tomb if not for someone ruining the moment; suddenly Pierre started talking like some English dude trying to portray a French, and it was horrible so much she barely understood what he was saying. Well, no matter, she shot him to hell still and this time it would be the last since when he died he dropped a bunch of items including his Memory Card.
«….so, that's why! The maddening hide-and-seek twit, forever-reviving asshole had this. », she then proceeded to piss on his corpse because he truly had it coming….. but seriously, big fucking time.
Lara then gladly abandoned him to his lame death and walked in the back of the room, there was an ancient tongue scribbled on the wall but she read it with ease since she knows 100 000 000 dialects because she's the goddamn Tomb Reader…..
«''Here lays, dismembered, one of the great poker player of Atlantis: TheOweCan. He got murdered one night after cheating against QuoiLowPeck. He died without child, this means that no under aged individuals witnessed his demise, and since he never reproduced, all that he won at black jack goes to his dearest friend; QuoiLowPeck. Yes, even in Atlantis we do irony just fine. Look over us, TheOweCan, because while you're deceased; we'll keep partying. Jackpot.'' »
She looked around, «…Right…. »
Now since she had gotten her hands on a second piece of the SeeOn; putting them together allowed for a great hallucinogenic trip in which people were getting blown up and screaming in pain, city in flames; plus making a really weird face that made her seem as though she was retarded. If she existed I would have advised her never to do that again, was enough to give children nightmares. Lara then went to Egypt, on a bike no less, which she obviously stole from someone. Poor soul will probably be hunted down by angry horsemen and suffer a gruesome painful violent death; can't all be heroes.
Author Note: For those interested I have parody videos on You Tube on many games, and music videos too (tributes); including TR I (1996). Hopefully some of you may enjoy my sense of humor. Since this site doesn't allow me to paste the link just copy the following on the YT page:
1- Smelly Tomb & Ambushes (Joking)
The name is De Void, browse through my channel.