Chapter 1 following through

It was months after the funeral and I still couldn't believe it. I had felt sucker punched when Harry had told everyone that Severus had killed Dumbledore. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel real. Except I couldn't shake his voice, terrified as it had been now that I kept thinking back. "… I'm not a monster… I have no choice." I could hear his soft voice repeating this over and over in my head. No one would believe me though, if I had ever said anything. As it was I couldn't seem to recall what I had said in my state of shock.

It was a quiet day at the burrow, with most everyone outside playing a game of quidditch or down in the kitchen helping to plan the remainder of the wedding, that I was diligently unpacking my trunk after sending my parents off to Australia to hide. Lost in my thoughts as I had been for as much as I could remember lately I wasn't paying attention really when I picked up my favorite book; Hogwarts; A History. Only to find the information Severus had given my.

I didn't realize my thoughts had frozen as I held the letter he had written to me in my hand. With a shaky timid hand I carefully opened the envelope reveling three separate sets of paper folded.

The first one was labeled easily. A simple I love you was written on the outside. The second had a simple label, please forgive me. The third was a sad label for after I have passed.

I opened the first one with shaking hands.

My Hermione,

I cannot express to you how much you have begun to mean to me. Sadly my hands are tied and my fate is sealed. I knew this going into whatever camaraderie we went into earlier this year. Albus had said you would be the one to save my soul. I laughed at him, unknowingly. I did not know just how much your simple company would come to mean to me. I could not say the words to you without letting you understand. I hope that with time you will take these words and let them comfort you in the darkness we have now fallen in. please, Hermione, I beseech you, don't let them convince you that I am the monster everyone wants to believe I am. I will need your presence now more than ever, and sadly I will not have it. My patronus has changed this year. Strangely not by much. It wasn't even enough for Albus to notice the difference but I did. I have cast it so many times in my lonely life to realize when it changed. It was a doe for the longest of time. It seemed to represent Lily and the innocence I thought she held. It is now a fawn. That it true innocence. You, my sweet, are just that. The vision of pure virtuousness. And I? I fear I am the sickness that will perverse and ruin that purity. My only salvation will be knowing that you love me in return. If you still feel the same, after all of this, all you have to do is simply hold this letter tightly and say my name, only once is necessary, for me to feel the effects. It will be my beacon of hope in this poignant time. I hope to feel your love, as I hope you feel mine.

Always yours,

Severus

I didn't feel the tears in my eyes or on my face until one fell to the page in my hands. I clasped the letter as tight as I would allow myself to before I whisper his name, not once, not twice, but over and over and over again until I didn't think my voice would hold anymore.

Time skip ahead

Harry found me hours later still mouthing his name the letter still held tightly in my hands.

"Hermione, Mione, we need to go. The wedding will start any moment. Ron was looking for you but I told him I would try. Mione, is everything alright?" I heard his voice, soft and steady. Just like him.

"No. everything is not alright. Let me just clean up this mess then I will be downstairs to help set up." I said sitting up trying to discreetly dry my eyes.

"It's already set up, Mione. The wedding will start in a few hours. Everyone is getting ready. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I know you have done a lot of me over the years and I am here to pay you back in any way possible." Harry said softly to me.

I only nodded, the letter still held tightly in my hand. Would he understand? Would he even try? Maybe in time, he would tolerate my love for the man he despised.

I waved my wand and the majority of my belongings joined Harry's and Ron's in my beaded bag. I had mimicked the charms that Severus had placed on the small blue change purse and had managed to pack months upon months worth of information and supplies all summer long. I had much of my families camping gear along with the tent I borrowed from Mr. Weasley for the trip. I had a long conversation with him and had relinquished many random books and objects for him to dissect. It wasn't so hard to get the older man to help. He just wanted an easy bribery for more muggle things. As it was I had stopped at a junk shop and gathered many random things to help aide in acquiring the tent and a few odds and ends he thought might be of some help.

I placed the slightly crumpled love letter and the other remaining two letters back inside the blue change purse before going about my routine to get ready. A well needed shower along with a few well placed charms helped my distraught appearance.

I took a deep breath and donned the red dress I had acquired for the occasion, at the time I had assumed Severus would be attending and he would appreciate the effort. But as it was I had no idea where Severus was, or how he was doing. Through sheer will I would get through tonight until I could send him my love again.

Time skip ahead

I sat Indian style on the sleeping bag I had pulled out for myself. Sitting on a couch in the middle of Grimulaud place was not how I had imagined tonight. With a heavy sigh and making sure the boys were asleep I pulled out the letter from Severus. It was wrinkled from my abuse of it earlier.

"Severus." I whispered painfully in the dark. Even if I could not feel Severus' sure and steady arms around me I would send him my love as often as I could. I sat there clutching his letter for an immeasurable amount of time whispering his name again in the darkness of the room.

"somniavi." I cast after a while. I needed to read his other letter but I couldn't move because Ron was asleep under my feet and I couldn't cast lumos in fear I would wake both of them. I silently as possible rooted around the blue change purse for the other letters, finding them about the time I was ready to give up and dump the contents of the bloody bag.

My Hermione,

What I have done is unforgivable. I understand that. Had it been anyone else I would never have hesitated to help condemn them. But as it is… well I'm sure you understand. First however you deserve and explanation. The dark lord had planned for Draco to kill Albus. This I am sure you have Potter to help come to this conclusion. However, Dracos' mother came to me last summer and begged me to help him, in any way possible. Bella became involved, and an unbreakable vow was cast. I was to carry out the deed in the event Draco was unable. Albus became aware of this the same day he called on me for assistance, he had donned a cursed ring. It was all I could do to hold off the curse. It would only last a year, at best. He asked me also in turn, to spare Dracos soul and do him the mercy of killing him myself. He believes that if it is a mercy killing then it won't have any effect on my soul. I do not share this belief. This is the headache and atrocious secret I have kept from you this year. This is why he thought your presence would bring me peace. All the times you asked me to share my secret with you, that you might have been able to help me with it, believing it was an innocent act, I simply would think of this letter. It was all I could do. In the months and maybe even years to come I will do my best to watch over you. This letter has the same charm on it as the last. But this time all you have to do is say you trust me. To let me know I still have a chance. A chance to right my wrongs and redeem myself in your eyes.

Always yours

Severus

I could feel the tears this time. My eyes burned with them, raw from so much use today. After a spell I held both of the letters to my chest.

"I trust you, Severus." I hoped he would feel my love and my trust and know.

Time skip ahead

It had been months since our departure from the burrow and grumlaud place but I still held onto my letters every night. I wanted to open the other one but I was too tired. Too emotionally spent. When Ron left I granted myself the opportunity to show my grief. Let Harry believe Ron was the reason for my heartbreak and stress. We had gone to Godric's Hollow and that had backfired in more than one way possible. With Harry's wand gone and the brother cores not being in place any longer for an added defense it felt that on top of everything else made us that much more vulnerable.

It was Harry's turn to stand guard outside tonight but I could shake the feeling I had. I couldn't explain it, it was a mixture of all the feelings I had rushing through me yet… yet more pronounced. With a sigh I carefully put away the letters before gathering one of the knitted blankets Molly had finished just before our little trip and made my way outside.

I knew as soon as I exited the tent that something was amiss. Harry wasn't there, the fire was slowly dying and it was colder than I had yet to feel it. Terrified for Harry and almost even more for myself as he had my wand and I was now technically alone and defenseless.

"Harry?" I called out into the nights frigid air. I listened as the nightlife of the Forest of Dean moved around slower in the cold. Sure enough after a moment or two I heard a noise off to my right. It was a patronus. A fawn patronus. All of a sudden I could feel my entire body, I felt my heart beat frantically and I felt my stomach clinch. "Severus?" I asked softer, more timid then I had called out Harry's name.

"Shh. It's ok. Potter is retrieving the sword and I couldn't defy temptation when I felt you. I was too close by and he was preoccupied. I'm sorry if I am presumptuous." I heard his silky voice say from the shadows.

"no. you're not. Your presence is welcome here Severus. I made my wards welcome you. Every time I have cast them, you have been welcome to see through them." I said softly looking for his reassuring eyes in the dark. I couldn't see him. After a moment I felt as if I was delusional. That is until a few logs added themselves to the dying fire in front of me.

I turned and nearly screamed with how close he was. I looked up at him and immediately felt the effects of his closeness. The familiar scent of spicy herbs and parchment and the musky scent that I can only associate with Severus assaulted my senses. I gripped the blanket around my shoulders tighter. I longed to hold him to me, but I wasn't sure how welcome my advances would be, so instead my knuckles turned white against the chilling blanket.

"Come in the tent." I said after looking into his eyes. Everyone regarded them as cold and unwavering but I could feel the warmth behind them for me. I stepped around him before leading him into the safe haven. I could tell he was impressed once we were inside. "Mr. Weasley kindly lent us the tent for this excursion." I explained softly as I led him to my side of the tent.

He didn't say anything as he watched me closely. I patted the spot next to me on my bed. He carefully sat down, as if he should bolt at any moment but I knew I would hear Harry moving around once he was back.

"I cannot stay long. I… I think I might have messed up the spell on the letters." He said quietly. I tilted my head to the side waiting for him to explain. "I… I have felt the effects of the letters more than I should." He whispered harshly into the silence of the tent.

"How often?" I asked when he didn't explain further.

"Almost nightly, for hours on end… Sometimes in the middle of the day as well. I don't understand why I would be feeling the effects of them so. I had hoped to come to remove them." He added softly.

"No!" I said holding my bag to my chest as if he would steal it away from me. "You have only been feeling them when I invoke the magic of the letters. It… it is my only comfort. You wrote that you wanted to feel me, so I have let you feel me, as often as I can." I said desperately, hoping he wouldn't take away his words of love and redemption.

He looked shocked… completely shaken at my confession. "Almost every night? For hours upon hours?" he barely asked.

I could only nod my head. "Don't remove the spell, Severus. Please, just leave it. I want you to feel me as often as I want to feel you." I could feel the sting of my tears coming again; I couldn't look at him and let him know how weak I was to rely on something as simple as this. He didn't say anything as I tried to control my emotions again.

I felt him shift on the bed and I thought he was going to leave but I felt his hands grip my shoulders as he pulled me to him. It was an awkward position for a hug but I melted against him after the shock wore off from his display of emotions.

He held me in the embrace for only a moment before I felt his hands move to the back of my legs where he picked me up and actually cradled me to him and buried his head into my neck. I breathed in his scent trying to memorize it for later when he left. I could feel his lips moving against my skin and I could feel a slow fire building in my veins.

"Severus… please." I barely managed to keep a sob out of my voice as I begged him. He slowly looked up at me. His eyes were nearly completely black with an emotion I didn't think they would ever hold for me.

"I love you, Hermione." His voice was deeper, rougher. I didn't have any time to register anything else before his lips descended on mine.

The world stopped spinning. Birds stopped what little chirping they were doing. I could hear my blood rushing through my body. I could feel every inch of where our skin met with a warmth I had never known before. I was powerless to control my hands as one gripped his shoulder and the other gripped the back of his head to keep him where he was. To let him know it was more than satisfactory with me. I tried pouring everything I felt into the kiss, although not having much experience in the area I'm sure most if not all of it did not come across.

He only pulled back after I started to feel my lungs sting as they shrieked for air. I was breathless and panting for air but my eyes roamed his face, taking in every detail. His eyes looked rapacious as he looked at me.

"I love you, Hermione. So much. I thought I had miscast the charm, I had no idea you were sending me that much of you. I didn't dare begin to hope that was the reason." He rasped in that rougher voice that sent shivers down my spine.

"I would send you more if I could but I don't know how much Harry would approve. Especially after…" I trailed off looking down at the miserable look that overcome his features. "Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, Severus."

"No. it's quiet alright Hermione." He said to me but it was quiet not alright for me. He held me tighter for a moment before he gently sat me back down on my bed. "It's time for me to go. They are coming back." He whispered to me before he kissed the top of my head affectionately.

"no. don't go yet. Please." I begged holding onto his arm, not letting him get far enough to apparate away.

"Hermione, love. Please. Let me go for now." His eyes flicked to the tent opening and I could hear Harry's heavy feet stomping along with someone else. "Weasley will want to apologize I am sure. My presence isn't welcome by them." He added on in a softer tone as he kissed both of my hands that were holding him to me. "I will try to come back. If it is safe use the second letter and let Phineas out for some fresh air." With that he pried my hands off of his arm and without another word he apparated away.

"Hey Hermione!" I heard Harry yell. I flopped backwards on my bed and hit my head repeatedly on the hard mattress. With a sad sigh I folded my blanket up on my bed and slid it under the covers to preserve the scent before heading out of the tent.

Time skip ahead

Each strike the snake too at Severus wrenched at me from inside. I could feel my blood draining away as she killed him. I followed Harry once he made sure the coast was clear. I could barely stand to look at him. He was slouched at the wall his shoulders barely keeping him up right.

Harry talked to him for a moment before asking for a flask. I numbly and blindly handed it to him. I felt the bile rise up from my stomach when Harry moved away. I followed them to the door before falling back.

"You guys go on a head. I'll be along in a moment." I said clearly.

"We can wait." Harry said stopping Ron.

"No, you guys go ahead. I'll disillusion myself. No one will hurt me. I just need a moment. I'll be along soon." I said with what I hoped was an encouraging smile. Harry didn't really seem to buy it but he glanced back at the boat house and back at me before he nodded in understanding.

"Take all the time you need, Mione." He said walking back to me to give me a hug which I returned quickly. "You should have just told me. I would have understood." He whispered to where only I could hear him. I nodded, giving him a watery smile. "Come on Ron. She will be with us in a bit." Harry said pulling an uncertain Ron behind him.

I quickly disillusioned myself before running back to the boat house. I summoned the anti-venom, the dittany, and a blood replenishing potion in quick recession before hovering over Severus. I closed my eyes trying to hold back the bile.

I poured nearly the whole vial of dittany over his neck before I poured the anti-venom and the blood replenishing potion down his throat. I spelled away as much of the blood as I could before I cast Enervate.

I waited wait a bated breath as he gasped himself awake. Quickly removing the disillusion charm I flung myself at him.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again Severus Snape." I cried as I held him to me. His arms came stiffly up around my waist before gripping them.

"The anti-venom won't hold. It's too weak." He said slowly as if weighing each word.

"You brewed it; I know you did." I said frantically. He couldn't leave me, not now.

"I know. Nagini's venom is different. It will work only for a few minutes before the pain is too much." He replied quietly.

"Don't leave me, Severus. Please." I cried into his robes.

"It is time for you to read my last letter then head to my chambers. The wards will still recognize you. Take whatever you need or want and leave. I knew I was going to die Hermione. I told you that so many times." He said softly looking at me with no guards up at all. "Don't worry about the outcome of this war. They will be fine. Read my last letter then leave. Turn back one week to come to your senses and on the last day break the time turner. It will take you back to June 30 1976. The summer before my 6th year." He slurred his words all of a sudden at the end. I read the panicked look over his face. "I love you Hermione. Please save me." His face went slack again. He had said he was in pain. I quickly summoned a very strong dreamless sleep, I kissed his soft, awkward lips one last time before I poured the whole bottle down his throat. It would take less than a minute.

"Severus Snape. I love you. I trust you. I will save you." I whispered in his ear before kissing the top of his head like he had always done mine.

I quickly disillusioned myself again before I made my way back up to the castle to follow through with his request. I would save him if it was the last thing I ever did.