I wish… More than anything… More than life. More than jewels… More than the Moon. I wish." (Stephen Sondheim: Into the Woods)
I Wish…
"Leave me alone, Morgan. I've had enough of all of you lecturing me!" – Shouted Reid as the group entered the bullpen, having just arrived back from West Bune, Texas where they'd had their last case.
Luckily, the building was already empty save the security personnel, as it was Saturday and already quite late. Even Garcia wasn't here anymore, despite the fact that she usually waited for the team. She had, of course, heard about the happenings and was, presumably, too angry herself about it to want to face them now.
During the jet ride, the youngest member had been approached and reprimanded by Hotch, Emily and JJ each about his reckless behavior and they way he had deliberately placed himself in danger.
Now it was, as it seemed, the dark-skinned agent's turn to give him an earful.
"Kid, listen to me! This can't happen again! You can't just take off on your own and walk up to someone who's armed without any precautions! What were you thinking? Were you even thinking!?" – Continued Morgan, not caring about the younger man's earlier demand that he let the topic go.
Reid dropped his messenger bag on top of his desk with a bit more force than would have been absolutely necessary and turned around to face his colleagues challengingly.
"Why can't you just get off my back already? Don't you have anything better to do than harp on what happened? It's over and done with!" – He hissed dangerously, his eyes hard and accusing. – "You wouldn't understand anyway."
"What wouldn't we understand, Spence? Try us; we might just surprise you!" – Forced JJ, joining the conversation.
"Leave. Me. Alone!" – His head was hurting horribly and he wanted nothing else but to go home and sleep for at least twelve hours.
Emily just had to say something though and that was the last straw for the angry young man's fragile endurance.
"Reid, what happened to you? You came late for the briefing, you were irritated all the time in Texas, then that stunt you pulled…"
"What happened to me? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!? What do you think happened to me, Emily? What-"
"Reid. It's enough." – Intervened Hotch, frighteningly calm. He surely would have put a Zen Buddhist to shame. – "Come to my office. Now. The others can go home, see you on Monday. Reid! Come on."
"No."
Hotch stopped dead in his tracks.
"Sorry?"
"I said: no. I think I've listened to enough scolding for a lifetime. I'm done. I'm heading home."
He turned to leave, ignoring the stunned team members and the fuming Hotch. The unit chief wasn't done though.
"You're not going anywhere! I'm your boss and if I request your presence in my office then the only place you'll go is; big surprise: my office!"
"Oh yeah? And if you're not my boss anymore?" – The genius retorted. – "What then?"
Hotch wasn't in the mood for this now.
"What do you mean? Of course I'm your boss. Look, I know you miss Jason but-"
"That's it! I'm quitting!" – Reid all but screamed, grabbing his favorite coffee mug and some other personal items from his table and haphazardly throwing them into his poor, abused messenger bag. – "I've had enough! I want out! I can't do this anymore!" – He muttered while taking off the gun from his belt and placing it on the now otherwise empty desk, along with his credentials. – "I'm going and now you can't stop me." – He finished, out of breath.
"Kid, come on…" – Morgan didn't know how to continue, so he just shut his mouth, looking helplessly at the others.
JJ had tears in his eyes and Emily gaped.
"You don't mean it!" – She said.
"I do."
"Reid…" – Hotch began. – "Come to my office, and let's talk."
"No."
Rossi, the only one who hadn't said anything the entire time about what had happened in Texas, now shook his head.
"It's late and we're all very tired. May I suggest we all head home for tonight and on Monday, you can discuss this in peace. You might see things differently by then." – He tried soothing the others.
"I'm not interested in talking anymore." – Shook his head Reid.
"You're throwing a tantrum like a toddler!" – Spat Morgan.
Reid froze on spot, momentarily petrified. He then simply said:
"I wish I had never come to the BAU at all!" – With that, he was gone, leaving the others gaping after him, not able to believe what they had just heard.
"He doesn't mean it… He surely doesn't…" – Muttered JJ uncertainly. But, apparently, he did…
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Reid was still fuming when he got home. How dare they? What did they know!? Nothing, that's what! They had no right!
He knew, somewhere deep down, that he had behaved like a small child throwing a temper tantrum (like Morgan had oh-so-nicely pointed out), quitting and running out like that, but quite honestly: he couldn't care less about it. They had treated him like a child, so they had gotten a child.
Why did they think they could tell him off? He was a grown up person, for God's sake, just like they all were! He wasn't any less than them just because he happened to be a few years (okay, maybe a lot) younger! He was an FBI agent, and it was one thing for Hotch to officially or even unofficially reprimand him – he was the boss after all. Also, if Gideon were here… He wasn't, so it was only theoretical, but if he were… he could. He could because he was (had been?) like a father, and fathers had the right. But not teammates! They didn't!
Wasn't he struggling enough already? Hadn't they left him completely alone to deal with his problems? And then, when he did – or at least tried to –, they even cruelly teased him for it! Outrageous!
Who did they think they were!?
The young genius had a feeling he might regret his rash decision at one point, but frankly: he wasn't there yet. Not even anywhere near to that point. Right now, he felt very good about finally standing up to himself and telling them what he really thought about the way there were constantly picking on him for no reason whatsoever. There might have been a time… long ago – at least it felt long ago – when he had found them telling others about the 'Reid effect' (which was, of course, only made up), them calling him 'Doctor Reid' and never 'agent' or their snickers and eye-rolls when he was explaining something or sharing his theories at least somewhat funny. But it had been gone and they simply hadn't noticed when he had stopped laughing with them and playing the role of 'innocent little Spencer' or 'The Kid'. From that point on, they hadn't been laughing together anymore – the others were laughing at him. And it hurt.
They hadn't noticed when, with Tobias, the Dilaudid and then Gideon leaving, everything had changed for him. He had to grow up and he had done it. How could they not notice he was struggling not to fall to pieces under the strain of it? That he wasn't interested in childish games anymore? They were supposed to be the FBI's finest group! The master profilers!
Wiping away unwanted tears, he fell into bed and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
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Once everyone else had left, a still shocked Hotch turned to the senior profiler in desperation.
"What did just happen, Dave? Where did we go this wrong?"
Rossi sighed.
"Would you like to drink something?"
"Yeah…"
They retreated to the older man's office where he produced a bottle of a very expensive kind of Whiskey and two glasses from a secret hiding spot somewhere under his elegant mahogany desk.
"Cheers!" – He said before taking a long sip.
Hotch raised a mischievous eyebrow.
"Is it not against rules to store alcohol in your office, Dave?"
"It is. Are you going to tell on me?" – Laughed the older man.
"Hell. No. Not if you give me a bit more… Thanks…" – He drank some of it before wiping his mouth with his hand. – "So… Reid."
"Yeah."
"Was this my fault? Just be honest."
"Not really…" – Replied the older man, not very convincingly.
The unit chief furrowed his brows.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Well… It wasn't your fault. Not really. You were absolutely right in calling him on what he did. It was irresponsible and unacceptable. He needs to understand that. And I think he does now. He's a very clever young man after all."
"That he is. So, what's the problem then?" – Hotch didn't understand anything. If Reid knew he had done something wrong then why was he angry about being told so!?
"Aaron, just think about it: you went to him and told him off in the jet, in front of everyone. That's all right, though it might have waited until you two were alone... But then, probably taking this as encouragement, JJ and Emily did so too. After that, Morgan. And then you again wanted to do it. He is surely expecting Garcia to shout at him on Monday, or even give him a call tomorrow... It's just too much. The others didn't have the right to scold him. You, as his unit chief, are the only one who can do it."
"I… maybe I should have waited. I just didn't want to make it official. I thought if I talked to him… But you're right. I'll tell him I'm sorry."
"You don't have to do that."
"No?"
"No. I would have waited and done it privately if I were you but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. We've seen officers reprimanded in front of us by their bosses lots of times; it happens. It's the way the others behaved that worries me more. Like Reid is some naughty little boy. He's not."
"Though he sometimes behaves so." – Pointed out Hotch.
"Yes. He does. But why wouldn't he, if he's treated as such?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when he came late for the briefing, what did we do?"
Hotch tried to think back…
"I don't know. I didn't say anything about it though. I know it can happen."
"It's not you. Morgan and – admittedly – I teased him mercilessly about it being a girl and when he lied and said it was a movie, they continued anyway. JJ and Garcia laughed. You do know very well where he'd been, don't you, Aaron?"
"I have a pretty good idea, yes."
"We're profilers and his friends. Why didn't we know back then? Why did I need his outburst to realize how much I had hurt him? Why haven't the others realized yet?"
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it before." – Admitted the unit chief. – "I guess we're all too used to Reid always being all right. He's… Reid. You know? He's teased and picked on all the time. Even… well. Even in front of others."
Rossi leaned back in his chair, looking thoughtful.
"But he's not always all right, is he? He hasn't been for a while." – He mused. – "I don't think I've ever known him to be all right. And I'm not sure he likes it when he's treated like a subordinate just because of his age. As a matter of fact, everyone seems to forget he even outranks JJ and Garcia. Derek, Emily, him and me are all SSAs; so none of us has the reason to try and 'raise' him. He's not a child under our care; he's a full-fledged agent and our colleague."
"You're right. We tend to forget this. You know, when he came here, he was just a boy. Barely 21, having spent his whole life at schools and the university, with no idea how to behave or what to do. God, he was so awkward…" – The unit chief smiled fondly at the memory of the wide-eyed 'baby-Reid', frightened and uncertain on his first day with the unit. – He probably only finished the Academy with Jason's intervention and my help… I'm not sure he could have done it any other way; aside from still being too young, he still doesn't even weight enough to survive a physical training, let alone five years ago. So, he came here, greener than green and in need of guidance and help. I don't even know when this changed."
"Hey, it's fine: he'll calm down tomorrow and come back on Monday, and then you can talk it through."
Hotch shook his head sadly.
"He said he quits. He said he wishes he'd never come here…"
Rossi sighed and leaned forwards, intertwining his fingers on the table.
"You do know he didn't mean it, right? It wasn't even an official resignation. He knows very well it doesn't work that way. It's Saturday and it was already late. Not to mention he just finished one of the most difficult cases he's encountered recently. He's physically and emotionally exhausted and made a rash decision. Give him time."
"I'll try. Thanks, Dave."
"Anytime, Aaron."
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Reid woke with a sudden jerk, nearly falling out of his bed. At first he didn't understand what had woken him but then he heard it again: his alarm clock. Wasn't it Sunday?
He had to crawl out to the living room to grab his cell which he had left in his messenger bag the night… wait: two nights ago. He didn't have an alarm set for Sundays… How curious. Maybe Morgan had played a joke on him?
After successfully shutting up the insisting little monster, he checked the date: it was, in fact, Monday. But how? What had he done the day before? Had he slept through the whole Sunday?
The happenings of Saturday evening came back to him like a tidal wave: fighting with the team, shouting at them, quitting… Oh, God! He had really quit!
Had he been out of his mind? What would he do now? How would he help his mother and pay for Bennington and his apartment and-
The bell rang. Who would come now? Maybe someone from the team…
Full of hope, he opened the door, just to find-
"Ethan!? What are you-"
"What are you still doing in your pajamas!? We'll be late!" – Interrupted him his old friend, inviting himself into the apartment and walking around a stunned Reid. – "Come on, Spence, dress! Professor Alejandro will take off our heads if we'll be late again!"
"Prof- Huh?"
His friend came closer as if to study him, placing steadying hands on his shoulders and looking him deeply into the eyes.
"Are you drunk? High? Hungover?" – He asked with narrowed eyes. – "Well, no matter; whatever you are: just move your skinny backside!"
"But…"
"I'll make coffee!" – With that, Ethan was already in the kitchen and Reid couldn't think of anything better to do than to obey: he took a quick shower and dressed for the day, all the while wondering what the hell might be going on. He couldn't even remember changing into his pajamas after coming home and he certainly couldn't remember inviting Ethan of all people… Why would he have? Sure, they had met again after years of silence in New Orleans not so long ago but that was it. It wasn't as if they were best pals now or anything. Not with their completely different lifestyles.
"Look, Ethan. I don't really understand-"
"Here, your coffee. Oh, really, Spence: this vest again!? Ah, whatever. But I draw the line at the messenger bag. Dump it!"
"What? No!"
"Come on!" – His friend rolled his eyes, thrust a takeaway cup in his hand (he didn't remember having a cup like that at home…) and ushered him out of the apartment. Reid turned around and tried to understand why his apartment didn't look the way it should; only now realizing this little detail. It was as if it were normal but also not… Very confusing. – "Luckily, I brought the car. We wouldn't have time to wait for the train you like so much."
"Train!?"
"Oh, damn. I need to quickly send an SMS. You can wait for me at the car." – But the young genius just stood, rooted to the spot, not really sure what he was supposed to do now. – "Why are you still standing here, gaping like a fish?" – His friend lamented as soon as he had put away his cell. – "MOVE!"
The whole ride was spent in silence, with Reid too deep in his thoughts to realize his friend was trying to engage him in conversation for the first five or so minutes. So, after that, the other man just gave up and drove. They arrived at their destination about 20 minutes later.
"Caltech? Ethan, what are we doing here?" – Asked the exasperated genius, totally confused.
"Why, do you have the day off, or something? I didn't hear about you taking vacation time."
"Day off? Vacation time? What are you talking about!?"
But his friend just grabbed his arm and forcefully pulled him into the building he hadn't visited since joining the FBI years ago.
They hurried along the long corridors, finally coming to a halt by the Division of Physics, Mathematics and Astronomy: the Faculty Reid had been most interested in as a student and had even thought about staying to teach and do research. But that had been before meeting Gideon who had persuaded him to 'step out into the real world', as he had worded it, and thus had enabled him to join the FBI.
The FBI he had so thoughtlessly quit… What a mess.
"Ethan, how did I get here?" – He asked finally.
"What do you mean? We just got out of my car!" – His friend sounded alarmed. – "Are you sure you're all right? Should I maybe tell Professor Alejandro you need a sick leave?"
"No. I mean: here! California! I was in LA in an apartment, right? How did that happen? I went to sleep in Virginia!"
"Virginia!? As far as I know, you've never even been there, Spence! You don't travel much! You've never even sat in an airplane!"
"I don't travel much!? I've never- What the-"
They were interrupted by a friendly pat on their backs. Turning around they found a Latin-American man smiling happily at them.
"Ah, my favorite geniuses managed to arrive on time…" – He checked his watch. – "Well. Almost, at least. We're making headway! Come on in, boys."
He pushed them into the room that was nearly as big as the bullpen back at Quantico and similarly furnished. There was also a desk that looked very much like his own within the FBI building. Seeing his own nameplate standing proudly on it, his head started to spin.
The professor left them to their work, claiming he needed to prepare for his first lecture which would begin in half an hour and joking that Reid, the 'lucky one', still had two hours to get to his own class.
The pale genius gulped.
"Ethan…"
"Yeah?"
"How long have I been working here?"
The other young man looked funnily at him again.
"Are you sure you're all right?" – At his reluctant nod, he continued. – "Ever since you finished your fourth PhD and fifth BA. Don't you remember? Let me see… For the last three years or so? Probably about that. I joined only two years ago, I wouldn't know the progress of your career!" – He shrugged, sitting down with a thick book.
Spencer remained standing in shock. Three years!? But that's more than half the time he'd spent at the BAU! How was that possible? He couldn't have been at two places at once!
"Ethan…"
"What is it, Spence? We should really get to work now!"
"I know but… What about Gideon?"
"Gideon? Who?" – His friend didn't appear to know whom he was talking about and didn't seem to have the patience to try and guess.
"Jason Gideon! The FBI agent! The famous profiler!"
"Oh, the old gruff guy who used to give guest lectures! I remember now. But what about him?"
"Well, when we attended his class… You know, back a few years ago…"
"What are you talking about? You never came! I was there alone! I tried to convince you it could be interesting but you claimed you needed to talk to another professor about some exam coming up or whatever."
"I… I wasn't there!?" – But that was impossible! He had been there and Gideon had asked him to stay after everyone else had gone and he had invited him to the FBI! He was certain it all couldn't just have been a dream!
"No, you weren't. I was alone, it was fun, and that's it." – His friend was back to ignoring him again and this time, Reid let him.
He couldn't believe it. It just wasn't possible! But then again, when he looked around now, everything he saw felt familiar too. He thought he could remember everyone's names though he was sure most hadn't worked here back when he had been a student and had, from time to time, visited this office to talk to a teacher. His apartment in LA, while a bit funny, hadn't felt entirely foreign either.
He sank into his chair and tried to come to terms with the fact: meeting Gideon, going through the (admittedly very much simplified…) FBI training, joining the BAU, becoming a profiler… everything he had thought he'd done for the last years had only been a dream!
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The days went by quickly, and Reid was slowly settling into his old/new routine: he'd wake up in the morning, take a shower, drink coffee and dress. At sharply 7:25 AM Ethan would come and pick him up to drive to Caltech. Then again, some days were a bit different: sometimes Reid would get up earlier and take the train all the way to Pasadena, claiming it helped him prepare for his tasks and clean his head. On these days, Ethan knew not to disturb his friend; taking the train always meant a melancholic mood. These were also the times the genius would ask silly questions that confused everyone around him, like: do I always dress like this? or have I never left the west coast? They humored him and answered these questions but they were becoming increasingly worried and had started paying extra attention to him. It wasn't unheard of after all that unique geniuses, like Doctor Spencer Reid was, lost their minds and, in the end, even committed suicide. And the young man had history of madness in his family, everyone knew that…
Reid liked to do research. Belonging to the Physics, Mathematics and Astronomy Division gave him access to literature and material he had previously only been able to dream of. As of this semester, he was simultaneously working on two unsolved problems in Astrophysics: he studied the space roar and also the Big Bang nucleosynthesis. In addition, sometimes when he had the time, he helped Ethan with the other man's research. His friend had decided to dedicate his entire life to solving one of the Millennium Prize Problems in Mathematics: the Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness.
He liked teaching even more. There was something satisfying about making more and more young and curious people understand the difficult theories and theses of Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry – the three disciplines he taught that term. He almost couldn't believe it but the students adored him and his lectured were always absolutely full. He'd have guests over as well all the time, even elderly professors and professionals. He had the biggest auditorium for his lectures and still, it was never enough to seat all the attendants.
One morning while dressing, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a… coin? No, it was a medallion… Looking at it, Reid felt his head start to spin again, even though it hadn't happened to him for the last two weeks. He remembered one of his superiors give it to him at an NA meeting, despite the fact that he'd only had been clean for 10 months, not a whole year. The man had told him to hold onto this prize and return it when he'd reach the one-year-mark… He was becoming dizzy. Why was he still remembering a dream as realistically as that? However vivid and life-like, it had only been a dream. He should be over it by now!
And how was it possible that he was holding a dream medallion in his hand? He must be getting crazy… Maybe his friends were right to worry; oh yes, he knew about it. He was a profiler afte- no, scratch it. He could see it on their faces, that was all.
Deciding he must have had that medallion for ages and only subconsciously used it for his dream to make it appear more real, he dropped it back into his pocket with a shrug and opened the door at the very second Ethan was about to ring the bell.
"Right at time, like always. Let's go!" – He greeted his friend, having already forgotten about the medallion and his dream.
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Reid was sitting at his desk at the university, deep in thoughts. He'd been working on the Big Bang nucleosynthesis the entire day, without having gotten up even to eat or stretch his legs. Now, everyone else had gone out for lunch and he was left alone to his musings. This hour or so while he could be alone was his favorite time of the day and wouldn't give it up for the world.
The only bothering circumstance was the television murmuring in the background. The genius realized with annoyance that someone had left it on, even though they knew he liked total stillness whenever he had the chance to catch some solitude in the office. With an irritated sigh, he got up to turn it off. As he reached for the remote control, he shot a quick glance at the screen – just to make a double take in the next second.
The breaking news showed a young, blond woman talking into lots of microphones and several cameras, explaining about some crime or another the FBI had been called in to solve. Behind her, a grave-looking man stood solemnly, along with a dark-skinned well-built bald man, a dark-haired strict woman and an older man wearing an expensive, three piece Italian suit.
'JJ, Hotch, Morgan, Prentiss, Rossi…' – His mind supplied the names out of nowhere and he had to look around to check that nobody was there who could have said them.
He was still alone.
He turned the sound louder and listened as the blond woman, the BAU's media liaison ('JJ' – He reminded himself, though he had no idea how he knew it) shared details about a serial killer that had been murdering people in the Los Angeles area for a good decade now and that had, somehow, escalated lately. She was warning the residents to be extra vigilant and look out for a Caucasian man in his late forties, early fifties, who walked with a limp, was about 6'3" and weighted approximately 170 pounds.
'The profile.' – His mind screamed again, causing him to quickly turn off the television. – 'No! This was just a dream! Just a dream! A dream, dream, dream!'
He spent the rest of the day at the university in a restless haze, barely realizing if anyone was talking to him or that Ethan had been trying to get him to answer a question for the last half an hour.
"Hello! Earth to Spence!" – He said, waving in front of the young genius' eyes.
Finally, it did the trick.
"Huh? What?" – Reid asked unintelligently.
"I've been asking for ages if you'd like to join us for a few drinks after work?" – His friend's voice indicated he had been indeed asking for a while already.
"No, sorry. I've got other things to do."
Ethan clearly didn't believe him.
"What things?" – He asked suspiciously.
"Just… things." – The young genius shrugged. – "Oh, it's so late already? I've gotta go." – With that said, he jumped up, gathered his things and all but ran to the train.
He needed to see them with his own eyes. Maybe talk to them, try to sort out what had happened. Yeah, that would help.
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The group of FBI agents was standing on the street when Reid arrived, quietly discussing among each other, not looking at the slowly gathering crowds at all. At their feet, the body of a dead person lay covered by a black body bag, clearly already examined, waiting to be transported. Around it the ground was painted in bright red blood that was already smeared and decorated with various footprints. Not a comforting sight at all… He should probably feel sick, just like the teenage girl not far away from him who was shaking and throwing up into a trash can.
The young genius stood by the cordon and watched the happenings with fascination, not bothered by the proximity of the dead body at all. He should feel bad about it, he knew very well, and yet: the only thing he did feel was excitement. He was also sure, for some reason, that he should be standing on the other side of the police tape, taking part in the conversation with the agents, and not gawking like a mere onlooker.
Even though… He was just an onlooker, wasn't he? How could he think anything else? He was a teacher and a researcher, not an agent!
At that precise moment the profilers turned around and walked right towards him. When they got closer, Reid couldn't help the gasp that came out.
"Hotch…"
The dark-haired man stopped in his tracks, looked around and upon seeing the young genius looking at him expectantly, asked in a friendly manner:
"Yes? Do I know you?"
The other agents stepped closer to be able to follow the conversation.
"I… Yeah. I mean. I'm not sure…" – Reid had no idea what he should do. He was making a fool of himself and it wasn't something he was used to.
The blond woman – JJ – smiled.
"Do you maybe have information for us?"
Reid just stared at her, trying to order his contradicting memories.
The dark-skinned agent grabbed his shoulder to steady him. When did he start swaying?
"You all right, Kid?"
'Kid'… The man – Morgan – had called him Kid. Why was it so familiar? He had never met these people! He had never even left Nevada and California, Ethan had said so! He wouldn't lie, would he?
"I…"
The other woman – Prentiss – looked sympathetic.
"What's your name?"
Reid turned to her.
"Emily…" – He whispered.
"Your name's Emily?" – She laughed heartily, raising her eyebrow.
"No! It's your name… Emily…"
"I know that… Though I have no idea how you do…" – She answered. – "You've never seen a dead man before, have you?" – She asked, motioning towards the body bag with her head. – "It must be frightening."
The young genius just nodded, not knowing how to explain to them that he had actually seen many dead people and he didn't have a problem with that. Especially since he knew he hadn't seen any dead people and he should have a problem with that… Oh, God. This made his head hurt.
"Go home, Kid." – The agent he knew was called Morgan said kindly. – "Drink some water and take a hot bath. You'll be fine."
"We need to go, I'm sorry." – Apologized the leader he had called Hotch. – "Dave just sent a message, he talked with Garcia-" – They continued walking and talking about the case, leaving Reid behind, having most probably already forgotten ever talking to him.
But Reid would never forget the brief conversation. Garcia the technical analyst. Hotch the unit chief. Rossi the senior profiler. Morgan and Prentiss the profilers. JJ the media liaison.
He knew these people. He belonged with them. Doctor Reid the profiler…
The problem was: they didn't seem to know him at all.
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Reid didn't sleep well that night; he kept tossing and turning, suffering from violent nightmares.
He dreamt about being kidnapped and tortured by a man… no… three men? It was a bit blurry.
He dreamt about eating Chinese in New York and dropping his food all the time. He was complaining about chopsticks and the others were laughing at him. There was a dark-haired woman… Elle… And not Emily. Why?
And Gideon… The word 'father' came to mind. Also, the word 'gone'. Was he dead? No, probably not…
He dreamt about a mad scientist who wanted a microchip removed from his arm. He performed a magic trick. Sleight of hand, was it?
He dreamt about a whistle and failing his gun qualification. But then he shot someone… No. Two people. Yeah.
He dreamt about shouting and feeling very angry. About making a wish. 'I wish I had never come to the BAU at all!' Oh, God…
OH, GOD!
Reid woke suddenly, jumping up and clapping his hands over his painfully racing heart.
'Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no... This can't be! Please, tell me it can't be!' – He thought desperately, looking around.
This wasn't supposed to be his apartment. He wasn't supposed to live in LA. He shouldn't be a teacher and researcher. He should have gone to Gideon's lecture and should have solved that case he had brought as an example for the students! He should have gotten the man's attention and become his protégé. It all had had to happen that way, so why hadn't!?
This wasn't his life. And yet, it was… Could a wish change everything? HOW!?
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The weekend was spent with sorting out memories, placing them into mental boxes like 'this is right', and 'this isn't right'. He could remember everything now in detail. Except that there were some labelled 'I don't know', like memories about his mother and father and childhood. But that didn't matter much now.
Having reached the final conclusion that he should indeed be an FBI agent had left him momentarily stunned but it had also given him a new goal he was working towards with determination now: getting the life back he had somehow lost.
First, he tried telling Ethan about it, which very quickly proved to be a bad idea.
- I swear, Ethan! I know it! I can remember! I made a wish… It happened all because of a stupid wish, can you imagine!?
- Spence, maybe you should take a few days off, travel somewhere… I dunno… Just relax and pull yourself together.
- But why won't you believe me? I'm telling you: I'm a profiler and I work for the FBI. I am a member of the BAU! The Behavioral Analysis Unit! Gideon invited me-
- You never met Jason Gideon, for God's sake, stop talking about him like he's some kind of friend! I was there alone and believe me when I say: he didn't seem interested in any of us as individuals at all. He just gave a lecture then left, that's everything that happened. You missed an interesting class but nothing more. What's wrong with you? I'm really freaking out here, man!
- But I'm telling you, Ethan: I did meet him! In an alternate reality, or whatever…"
- 'Alternate reality'? Really?
- Look: I did meet him and he was interested in me! I talked to him after class and he wanted to hear my theories. He invited me to Quantico and introduced me to his team! He and Hotch – the unit chief – both helped me get through training. Then a few months later, you began the Academy too, you just didn't like it and left-
- Oh, that's just getting better and better! So, now I'm a failure and you're the FBI's hero. Never mind that you weren't even old enough to become an agent! Sorry, Spence, I can't listen to this anymore. I suggest you try and get your head back in the game because Professor Alejandro and everyone else is starting to notice your strange behavior too.
- So, you don't believe me?
- No, I don't. See you tomorrow. Goodbye.
Reid fought the urge to throw the cell phone against the wall with all his might as he seethed in anger. 'I'll show him!' – He thought, turning on his computer.
Ten minutes later he had read everything there was about Jason Gideon and his – second – retirement, and David Rossi's return to the BAU. He had known all these, of course, but reading about them only strengthened his belief that he was right about everything.
He dialed the FBI's number and – after twenty minutes of trying – he had managed to get through to the BAU. Naturally, JJ picked up.
- Hallo?
- Hallo. I'm… ahm… Doctor Spencer Reid.
Admittedly, now that he had reached her, he didn't have any idea how to proceed convincing her he belonged with them…
- Doctor Reid, how may I help you? Are you requesting our help with a case?
- I… ahm… no. I'm not.
- Then what can I do for you, sir?
- Do you… ahm… maybe know who I am?
He tried, desperately wishing she would remember. She was JJ, his 'big sister'! She had to know him!
- I'm sorry… Should I? Have we met?
If they had met!?
- Yes… we have. Do you remember tying chopsticks together with your hairband? Or putting trick candles on a birthday cake?
- I'm so very sorry, I really don't know what you're referring to… If that's all then-
- No! Wait! Do you remember a cornfield and stupidly splitting up? And what about the football game we attended together? Please! You need to remember!
- I'm really sorry.
With these final words, she disconnected the call, leaving Reid with a feeling of hopelessness and emptiness.
'That's it. I ruined my life with a stupid wish for ever.'
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He tried telling himself he liked the university. He liked teaching and doing research. He liked Ethan and his other colleagues. His mother was close and the weather was always good in California.
Still, nothing was ever the same after that. Reid continued to work at Caltech and climbed the ranks, eventually becoming a celebrated professor. He never married but remained friends with Ethan forever. He became Ethan's boys' godfather and he buried his mother 8 years later. In the last years, she'd had Alzheimer's in top of her other problems and hadn't remembered her son at all.
He kept tracks on the members of the BAU but never talked to or about them ever again.
He was 38 years old and still felt like he didn't belong here. Like he should be somewhere else. It still happened sometimes that, alone in his LA apartment, he cried himself to sleep, thinking about what he had lost and what should have been.
'I don't wish for anything else but one thing: I wish I hadn't made that stupid wish so many years ago!'
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Reid woke to his alarm clock and groggily reached out from under the covers to clumsily fumble at the general direction he thought the nightstand with his cell on it should be. Instead of reaching it though, he hit his hand on something hard.
With a great yelp he sat up and angrily rubbed his hurting right wrist. Well, that was a good way to start the day! And it was just the beginning: he'd have three lectures to give and two articles to write and-
Looking around the room, he did a double take.
It definitely wasn't his LA apartment, that was for sure. The coloring on the walls was off and the angle of the sun shining through the roll-up shutters didn't match the one he had been used to at that time of the day.
He stumbled out into the kitchen to drink some coffee – it usually helped him see things more clearly. But this time, it only served to confuse him even further. His brand-new, modern and extra expensive coffee maker was gone! On its place, there stood an old, battered piece of machine that was at least ten years outdated.
What the hell!? If it was a joke Ethan had played on him, he'd learn never to mess with his coffee!
He took a quick shower and opened his closet to dress. The next surprise came then: all his elegant suits seemed to have disappeared, leaving nothing more than his very old, childish sweaters, vests and dress shirts in their place. Also, he didn't appear to own any matching pairs of socks…
'That's odd…' – He mused, selecting the least hideous pieces of clothing he could find. – 'I solemnly swear, Ethan, I will get revenge.'
The whole city was funny and yet, his feet moved on their own accord, giving Reid time to lose himself in his thoughts, not even realizing where he was going. When he came to halt in front of an enormous building, the gates opened for him and he was greeted by the security guards. They called him by his name and invited him inside, as if it were an everyday occurrence that he visited government complexes. Not bothering to try making sense of it all, he got into one of the elevators, closely following a young red-haired woman. She turned to him smiling.
"Hi, Doctor Reid. To the bullpen, I take it?"
The genius didn't have an idea what the 'bullpen' meant, though it sounded somewhat familiar. Taking his silence as agreement, the girl pressed the button and the lift started moving.
When the doors of the elevator opened, Reid froze on spot. This was… Oh! Everything came back to him suddenly and he was so overwhelmed with emotion, he couldn't even blink for fear he'd burst out in tears right then and there. The girl nudged him gently.
"Isn't that your stop?"
He nodded and sluggishly moved towards the center of the room, never taking his eyes off the people hurrying around, going about their tasks.
"Reid! Would you come to the conference room, please?" – Came a shout from somewhere above. 'The catwalk' – his mind supplied. His legs were already automatically taking him to the mentioned place.
The man who had invited him – Hotch – waited for his young colleague to enter before stepping in the room himself and shutting the door firmly behind him.
Inside, around the roundtable five people were already seated. 'Morgan, Rossi, JJ, Emily and Garcia.' – He knew instinctively.
As he slowly sat down, the long-repressed memories of the wish he had made came back to him and he hung his head in shame. He had rejected these people and by doing that, ruined his life. He didn't know why he had been invited to meet them but he didn't think it would be something that could help him.
"Reid. We need to talk about what happened two days ago."
The young genius eyes widened and looked up to stare at the unit chief.
"Two days ago? What happened two days ago?" – He tried to remember but couldn't come up with the answer. Nothing spectacular had happened on Saturday, as far as he knew. He had visited Ethan and the kids, played with the boys then he had gone home and read three books. He could have understood if they had wanted to talk about what had happened 12 years ago, but of course, that was impossible: they didn't remember…
"Kid, denying it won't make the problem go away." – Said the man to his left – Morgan. – "Look, we've been here for an hour, talking about it and… well. What I want to say is: I'm sorry. I was out of line lecturing you the way I did. It was not my job to do so. So: I'm sorry. Honestly."
Reid just stared at him unbelieving. Surely, he was hearing wrong, right?
"I'm sorry too, Spence." – Said JJ sadly. – "We were just worried, you know? But our reaction wasn't all right."
"Yes, Reid." – Continued Emily. – "You're not a small child to be chided by us. We treated you like that and it's our fault that you got so angry. We can see it now."
This must be a dream again… He was going crazy. He had finally lost it… Ethan had always said it would happen.
"I tried calling you yesterday to scold you." – Admitted Garcia sheepishly. – "Now, I'm glad you didn't pick up. I'm sorry, even though I didn't get the chance to do it. I'm sorry for the intention…"
"Kiddo, listen to me: the last case wasn't the best, I'll readily admit it. We all did things we're not proud of." – Explained Rossi, sounding calm and collected but also a bit sad. – "I'm not proud of not helping you when I saw you were getting angry in the jet. I could have prevented things escalating the way they did in the end. I learnt that stepping back isn't always the best approach to problems. I feel just as responsible for the argument as everyone else."
"Reid…" – Hotch sighed. Until now he had been standing by the door, silently observing his unit. Now, he took place in front of the young genius, looking him in the eyes. – "What you did in Texas was dangerous. And stupid; I will not deny it. But I should also have acknowledged that it did save that kid. Otherwise, he'd have been shot to death, that's a fact. You saved his life the only way you knew how to, and that makes it… well, if not 'all right' but at least understandable. It was wrong of me to berate you about it like I did. We should have talked it through, yes, but not like I did and not in front of everyone. I'm sorry I started the chain of events that eventually led you to feel like you're not part of the team."
"You are!" – Morgan quickly assured. – "And we all need to realize you've grown up. You were so young when you first joined… we'll need time to get used to the fact that you're not the 21-year-old frightened kid anymore. Just bear with us, all right? We promise to do our best."
Emily nodded.
"You join us more often on field, if that's what you want."
JJ who was sitting at his right side, took his hands in hers.
"I will introduce you as 'Agent Reid' from now on, if you want me to."
"I can stop calling you Boy Wonder, Baby Genius or Cupcake, if these names bother you." – Promised Garcia.
Reid, who was by now completely choked up, had difficulty speaking.
"Does that mean… that… I can… stay here? Even though I said all those horrible things… Even though I said I wish I had never come here in the first place?"
"Of course, Reid." – Smiled Hotch. – "You don't think we'd consider a temper tantrum a resignation?"
They didn't understand…
"But I also left my gun and credentials here… I said I'm quitting."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Kiddo. Does anyone?"
They all shook their heads mischievously, stating they didn't have an idea.
It took all of Reid's self-control not to start wailing right then. He still couldn't keep a few tears from escaping.
"And Reid." – Said Hotch seriously. – "If you'd like company watching that movie… None of us can replace Jason, clearly, but we might be able to understand." – He offered and this time everyone knew what he was talking about.
The genius smiled.
"Nah, it's okay. I already finished it. Though I'll just might have to… you know: take back the DVD." – He said, thinking about the medallion still lying in the pocket of his other jeans. – "I guess I need to do this one alone. But if there'll be another movie…?"
"Anytime."
"I love you all. And I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, let's just forget the whole thing, shall we?" – Suggested Emily and the others nodded in agreement.
"Thank you again. For everything." – The youngest agent said. – "I don't think I'll ever want to as much as hear about the Big Bang nucleosynthesis again!"
The other members of the BAU shared a confused look at that statement but then shrugged: Reid had always been unique and, hopefully, it would never change. The family was perfect like that.
"Careful the wish you make, Wishes are children. Careful the path they take, Wishes come true, Not free." (Stephen Sondheim: Into the Woods)