Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters
If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange to Have Them Beaten
Lord Cao Cao
Hey, how's the weather? Is Xun Yu getting better at his magic? Is your son still plotting against you? Are you still being mean to Sima Yi? Can I have an army?
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
My brother turned into a plant. You tell me! There are roots everywhere around our house- and that's the only place where you can get through. I need an army to get pass the roots inside the house.
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!
Xiuyi
Zhang He
Wait, you were healed and you went fighting again and now you're in the same position as before I left. You're an idiot! What were you trying to prove?
Xiuyi
Zhang He
Doesn't mean you have to go and attack an enemy that has higher speed than you. And a better range! And being the most beautiful in the land? Isn't that Zhenji's job or something? Whatever, maybe Pang De is more useful than you right now.
Xiuyi
Pang De
Hey, do me a favor and capture She Ren for me, thank you.
Xiuyi
Sima Zhao
No, I have not seen Lady Yuanji. Last I saw her she was with Shi going to a Star seer.
Xiuyi (She's totally cheating on Zhao with his older brother)
Dear Wang Yuanji
I don't blame you for loving Sima Shi more than Zhao, just try and not make it seem so damn noticeable.
Best wishes, Xiuyi
Dear Sima Shi
Congratulations, try not to make it noticeable and if anyone asks, it's Zhao's kid. Have you found out about a name yet?
Best wishes, Xiuyi
Dear Sima Shi
So if it's Yuanji's choice and the both of you picked Sima Hong for a boy and Sima Hualing if it's a girl. Cute! Tell me when she's ready to give birth and I'll bring flowers. Have fun hiding it from your family!
Best wishes, Xiuyi
Dear Xiahou Xiuying,
*Attached is a fire letter, which when it is opened, starts a big fire*
Sincerely, Lu Xun
Dear Lu Xun
*Paper is burnt*
I will find you, and I will kill you!
(Not bothering to sign it)
Sima Yi
Here, have this letter Lu Xun gave me for your response. I really do think you shouldn't ask a pyromaniac to cook popcorn. They could burn your house down.
*Attached is the same fire letter that burned her house down*
Xiuyi
Sima Yi
I told you so.
Xiuyi (Laughing hysterically)
(Oh man that was good!)
Sima Zhao
I don't know why your house burned down and you've seen Shi hanging with Yuanji again. Please tell me more.
Xiuyi
Sima Zhao
I didn't need to know that. Who would like to know that you have a fetish for being cooked like food. Or better yet, why you think reading your wife's homoerotic books was a good idea.
Xiuyi
P.S. Did you see the book Yuanji borrowed from me? It has Guo Jia and Xun Yu?
P.P.S. Unless you want to be scarred, don't read that book! It's for female eyes only.
Sima Zhao
Didn't Yuanji tell you? Every female in this country has some Yaoi-fascination. I am no different.
Xiuyi
Dear Wang Yunaji
Get Zhao away from your books!
Best wishes, Xiuyi
Pang De
Took you long enough to reply! Damn it! What should i do now because you failed to catch my rival?
Xiuyi
Gan Ning
You're drunk, please stop writing to me while you are not sober enough to even correct your simple grammar mistakes.
(Didn't bother signing)
Dear San Keshu
Why, isn't it my lovely female rival that I can speak to without getting mad at her, even if she's considered to be one of Chen Gong's daughters? I love the dying flower you sent me, but is this not suppose to be on your school uniform? And how is She Ren over there with you? (Better not be anything I'm thinking of.)
And how's Pyro Bitch?
Xiuyi
Dear San Keshu
You're the only one who knows about my crush on my rival. No one else has to know! Oh, and by the way, where's that Wen Yang and Zhao Yun story you borrowed from my library last week?
Xiuyi (Please tell me she didn't lose that one!)
Dear San Keshu
THEN FIND IT! Only we can see the pages of that book! If someone gets it they're going to think someone actually watched them do it!
Xiuyi
Dear San Keshu
IT WAS THAT DETAILED AND YOU KNOW IT!
Xiuyi
Gan Ning
I will find you, and burn all the paper in Wu and steal all your alcohol and wine. I don't drink but my uncle lost his stash of illegal Cobra Venom wine and our ties with Shu are bad currently so we can't order Black Dragon tea leaves or even that delicious-smelling Dragon Age wine.
Oh, and i told you to stop writing to me.
Xiuyi
Ling Tong
Remove all postal service permission from Gan Ning.
Xiuyi
Pyro Bitch
I hate you.
(Didn't bother signing it)
Pyro Bitch
Stay away from She Ren Huo Baozi, or I will find you, and kill you.
This is your last warning.
(didn't bother signing it)
Pyro Bitch
*Paper is burned nearly to ash*
You just brought your whole damn kingdom to ruin!
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
Assemble your men. I'm leading an attack toward Wu!
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
This is why. *Attaches all letters from Huo Baozi*
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
I know she cusses a lot! And she writes without the neccessary grammar! This is why she and all of wu must be destroyed. You've seen what they've done to the Sima household! We must not let those firebugs live to see another day!
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
I have my Uncle Dun's mean streak when it comes to a rival. That and the sadistic need for all my enemies to perish. Is that so wrong?
Xiuyi
Lord Cao Cao
Exactly!
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun
I'm going to war with the Pyro Bitch. Want me to bring you back anything?
Xiuyi
Dear Uncle Dun
A few cases of Death Adder Venom wine and a fruit basket filled with poisonous plants and fruits to get rid of a fangirl. Consider it done.
Xiuyi
Zhang He and Yue Jin
I have another job for you two goons. something that even you two can't mess up! I want the both of you to meet my army in Wu so we can strike them down. Forget all about She Ren, I'll get him later (after he gets out of San Keshu's care) and then I'll kill him. Just do what I tell you to and this should all go smoothly!
Xiuyi
Zhang He and Yue Jin
What in the nine layers of hell do you mean when you say you've turn into plants?
Xiuyi
Zhang He and Yue Jin
I TOLD THE BOTH OF YOU BEFORE I LEFT TO NOT EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!
Xiuyi
Author's note: Thank you VelocityRaptor, The RED Spy, and Gan Ning for your letters!
Huo Baozi is her rival from Wu, like She Ren is from Shu. And her name literally translates into Pyro Bitch.
I hope I didn't creep anyone out with what I said here, but I will bring in Sima Shi and Wang Yuanji's kid, whether it be named Sima Hong or Sima Hualing, that's up to you guys to pick!