4 weeks earlier ~ September, 2011
Castle's finger picked nervously at a chip in the lacquered finish of his desk, his eyes flicking nervously to the face sitting in the chair opposite him.
"So..." he prompted.
Her blue eyes remained focused intently on the page, oblivious to his fidgeting- well, mostly oblivious.
"Shh!" she chastised, holding up a hand to keep him quiet. "I'm almost done. Patience."
Castle spun his office chair 180 degrees in frustration, nearly knocking over the two week-high pile of mail jutting out from the edge. He stopped his momentum just as Alexis turned the last page of the book, her eyes bearing the slightest sheen of tears.
"Well?" he asked expectantly. He hated that he always felt this insecure when his first "review" came in, but this was now a sort of ritual he and Alexis shared. It had been since she turned 13 and he deemed it acceptable for her to give the initial assessments of his works. He had nearly regretted it that first time around- she had been brutal. She was almost as critical of his books as he was- almost.
She half-sniffed and rose from the armchair, clutching the hardback to her chest as she came to stand next to the desk. She let out a non-committal breath before her eyes finally met his insistent gaze.
"It was good, Dad. Really, really good. Probably the best of the Heat series so far." She paused as her father's face broke into a relieved and then satisfied, bordering on smug smile. "Buu-ut..."
"But what?" Castle questioned, face falling a little.
Alexis crinkled her nose and diverted her eyes. "It's just, the ending-" Alexis paused and stole a glance at her father, carefully mulling over the words she was about to say.
"Well? What's wrong with the ending?"
He swallowed hard, trying to keep the emotion from seeping into his voice, trying to push back the pain gnawing at the top of his gut, the same pain he had relived over and over as he'd poured his heart into those last few chapters of Heat Rises. He had written them in one very long all-nighter fueled by alternating glasses of coffee and whiskey, although towards the end it was more the waning fumes of adrenaline and frustration. He had sobered up the next day and done some major editing, several pages almost unreadable from the red strike-throughs, but the deep emotional trial of what he had gone through with Montgomery's death and then Beckett's shooting still haunted every page.
Alexis tilted her head offering her father a sympathetic smile. She knew the last few months had been difficult on him.
"Come on, Dad. You ended it with a cliffhanger."
He sat back in the chair, relieved that for now she wasn't mentioning the obvious, that he was leaving the book's finale up in the air because that's where his relationship with Beckett stood, completely in limbo.
"The readers love cliffhangers," he said dismissively.
"Readers hate them," she huffed in feigned irritation, setting the book on the corner of the desk and giving her father a quick hug from behind before swiveling his chair around to face her. "Especially me."
"Nonsense. Readers love them, or rather, they love to hate them," Castle quipped, accepting the kiss she brushed against his unshaven cheek and feeling satisfied that if Alexis was frustrated, he'd done his job. "Besides, it wasn't a real cliffhanger. We all know that Rook won't really die. If Rook died there'd be no more story, no more sexual tension, and no more books. I wouldn't just kill off a main character like that. That would be stupid," he scoffed.
Alexis crossed her arms against her chest, shaking her head in disbelief at her father's apparent loss of memory. "Umm, hello? Are you having a senior moment or something? Does the name 'Derrick Storm' mean anything to you?"
Castle pursed his lips in defeat. "Touché." He stood and walked around to the other side of the desk, grabbing his daughter's hand and leading her towards the kitchen.
"Well, what do you say we celebrate by having some ice cream? I just bought that new flavor you wanted to try, 'Raspberry Fudge Cake'. I even got some fresh berries to go on top."
"But we haven't even had dinner yet."
"And when has that ever stopped us?" he winked, heading towards the refrigerator.
She studied her father as he began heaping ice cream into two bowls, chattering on about the book release party that was coming up in a few weeks, then switching topics to the new show playing at the Hayden Planetarium, asking whether she had seen it yet. Alexis had to admit, he had been doing a pretty good job of avoiding the emotional white elephant that had followed him around all summer. Everyone was well aware that Beckett hadn't spoken to him since he had visited her in the hospital the day after the sniper shooting. He had kept to himself more than usual since then, filling his days with mundane tasks around the loft such as reorganizing the kitchen and cleaning out his closet not once, but twice. He had also been busy completing the final revisions on Heat Rises last month, using the editing process as an excuse to stay in the City while Alexis and her grandmother had gone on a mini-getaway to California to visit Meredith. Alexis knew it was an excuse because she had overheard her father talking with Esposito the night before she left for the airport. From what she'd managed to deduce from her amateur spying, word via the precinct grapevine had been that Detective Beckett was expected back the first week of September, and Alexis knew her father would want to be in town for her return. But that had been almost three weeks ago- it was already the 18th, and still no word from his muse.
"Here you go, pumpkin. I scooped out the extra fudgy parts and put them in your bowl."
"Thanks, Dad." Alexis smiled appreciatively, licking the first gooey bite from her spoon and considering whether she was going to press him anymore about the ending of the book. While she realized that writing was her father's livelihood, often consuming him for weeks at a time, Alexis also knew that it doubled as his own sort of self-therapy. But even after all these years, she still didn't think it was healthy for him to sort through his emotions exclusively through his characters. He needed to talk about it with someone, and while Alexis didn't particularly relish the thought of discussing her father's relationship issues, she felt someone had to.
She mustered up her courage and faced him squarely. "Dad? Can we talk like two adults?"
Castle eyed his daughter suspiciously. "Adults? Hmm, I'm pretty sure you are more than capable, but me? Well, honey, I think we both know that's up for debate in most circles-"
"I'm not joking, Dad. Ever since you stopped working at the precinct, you've been so serious, too serious. It worries me."
"See, now I thought that was a good thing. Usually you're begging for me to act more maturely," he laughed half-heartedly. He knew where his clever daughter was steering this conversation- dead ahead into Kate Beckett.
"It's just, you haven't had any fun lately. All you do anymore is write and work on Detective Beckett's case." There. She had said her name. Alexis checked her father's expression for any trace of emotion, but he was all poker-face at the moment. "I mean, you really haven't left the loft all summer."
"Now that's not true! I took those boxes down to the recycling bins yesterday and I went round the block to Carmelo's for the ice cream just this morning." He hefted a large spoonful into his mouth for emphasis.
Alexis shot him a non-plussed look at his smart-assed rebuttal, her eyes demanding a better answer.
Castle shrugged, relenting. She did have a point, but he really didn't feel like drudging up his issues with Beckett at the moment. "I had a deadline. You know how Gina gets when I'm late with my manuscripts." Not a lie. Gina was in fact a tyrant and Alexis couldn't argue with that. He stirred the melting ice cream in his bowl, hoping to avoid any further discussion, watching as the crimson berry and chocolate chunks bled against the white chocolate canvas to form a concoction resembling something Jackson Pollock might have eaten. But after a few seconds, he could still feel the piercing gaze of his daughter boring into his forehead and he knew that he wasn't going to get off the hook that easily. He swallowed hard, resting the spoon in the bowl. The velvety sweetness had suddenly lost its appeal.
"And the boys needed me-"
Even if Beckett didn't.
"Dad, I think you should just admit what's bothering you, or more specifically who."
They had made their way to the living room and just settled on the couch when, lucky for Castle, his phone started to vibrate from where it lay on the coffee table. Alexis had to smile as her father practically dumped his half-empty bowl into the cushions as he scrambled to reach for the black rectangle skittering against the wood. He snatched up the phone, instantly recognizing the first six digits of the caller ID: "212-565-", an extension from the 12th. He hesitated, finger hovering over the silence button. He had promised Alexis they would celebrate his book tonight, just the two of them. But now, seeing that extension light up the screen, it meant it could be one of the boys calling about Beckett's case, or maybe, just maybe it was actually about her? His heart surged against his ribs, a caged bundle of bruised emotions struggling to be released. The words of the last conversation with his partner echoed in his thoughts.
Castle, I'm really tired right now.
He remembered believing her- she truly had seemed exhausted as he listened to her voice drag across her lips. She had lost a lot of blood, been in surgery for hours. Recalling the pale shadows that cradled her eyes in that hospital room, she had seemed so fragile, nearly broken for maybe the first time that he could remember since meeting her. So he had believed her words, how could he not? He had believed that she didn't remember the events of the shooting, that it was all a void, his confession of love blotted from her memory with the swift squeeze of a sniper's finger on the trigger.
Of course, of course. We'll talk tomorrow.
He had tried so hard to be understanding, even though at the time, waiting even one day to see her again seemed like an eternity. If he had known then how long it would actually be, he would have embraced her as he so desperately had wanted to, so he could remember her warm and alive, remember how perfect she felt in his arms. But she had pushed him away, just as she always did when he got too close.
Do you mind if we don't? I just need a little bit of time.
Time? Wasn't a near-death experience supposed to usher a sense of urgency into your heart? Didn't death give you a newfound appreciation for life, for all that you cherish and hold dear? How could she want time when she had just been painfully reminded that time was not to be wasted? That's what he had realized in the moments after she had been shot. That's why he had finally verbalized his feelings. Why couldn't she be as earnest?
Sure, sure. How much time?
I'll call you, okay?
He had nodded, smiled even, effectively sealing their agreement. He couldn't push her then, not in her condition. It would have been selfish.
"Dad?" Alexis touched his hand lightly with her fingers, snapping him out of his daydream. "Dad? You gonna answer that?"
"Uh, yea. Sorry." He banished the last image he had of her- eyes cast away from him as she lay quietly in the hospital bed- and swiped the screen to receive the call. Damn Kate Beckett and her infernal walls.
"Castle," he said dully, his thoughts still lingering in that hospital room.
"Yo, Castle! It's Javi."
"And Ryan!"
Their voices sounded a bit distant and echoed slightly. Apparently he was on speaker phone in the precinct conference room.
"Oh hey, guys. Hold on just a sec." Castle turned, shooting an apologetic smile towards Alexis and covering the phone's microphone as he mouthed "five-minutes-I-promise" before walking to his office. He closed the door behind him, but not before glimpsing an exasperated look on his daughter's face. He knew that after the long summer she was probably used to his secretive talks on the phone with the detectives, but it didn't mean she had to like it.
"Okay, sorry, guys, keep going. Whatcha got?"
"Glad we caught you, man," Esposito's booming voice filled his ear. "You are totally gonna wanna hear this."
"Oh yea? What is it? Did something with the bank accounts finally pan out?"
Castle's morose mood quickly dissipated as he waited to hear what information Esposito and Ryan might have uncovered. All three men had poured over hundreds of pages of documents in the last few months trying to trace a money trail from McAllister, Raglan, and Montgomery back to the Dragon, but nothing had popped so far. He had given Esposito some of the more promising bank account numbers to pass along to Ryan for him to run through the federal database just yesterday. He hadn't expected to hear back so soon.
"Unfortunately, no. Nada on the ones you gave us, bro. Ryan says those accounts were all too old, not in the system."
"Dammit! That was our last lead." Castle instantly felt deflated. They had worked so hard, he especially, and now nothing. He hated to admit it, but without new information they were probably never going to get the bastard who had shot Beckett. It made his blood boil.
"I know, that's what I thought too, but Ryan here decided to do a little more digging."
"Yep." Ryan's voice was the louder one now.
"And I didn't have to dig too far. Found some old retirement papers misplaced in those case files from the Captain's office, except-"
"Yes-" Castle urged him on.
"-they weren't all Montgomery's. There were two copies of old statements that belonged to Raglan and McAllister. So I thought, 'why would Montgomery have copies'? I decide to take a closer look and see that both men's statements include a fund labeled "United Hearts" that's been highlighted, I presume by Montgomery, and these funds listed the exact same amount for the initial deposit- 50K. That's a lot of dough and for it to be the exact same amount deposited on the same day- what a coincidence, huh?"
"No way," Castle whispered under his breath.
"Right, and regardless, I figured if the Captain seemed so interested in this fund, then I'm definitely interested. So I Googled "United Hearts," not much out there, but looks like it was some kind of 'wounded warriors' thing, started up about 20 years ago for the NYPD to help take care of cops injured in the line of duty. It was mostly funded by the state using money that's confiscated from local drug busts.
Castle shook his head, he wasn't sure where this was going. "So?"
"So, there's no report of Raglan or McAllister ever being injured. They were both perfectly healthy during their entire time on the force, yet they still got a disbursement from that fund."
Ryan paused to catch his breath and also to give Castle a chance to process what he was saying. But the writer was right there with him now, the wheels in his brain switching to high gear.
"Son-of-a-bitch. So maybe whoever was behind all of this channeled money to them through that fund? But why? I thought McAllister and Raglan were forced to hand over part of their mobster ransoms to the Dragon after he got wind of the kidnappings?"
Esposito fielded this one. "I dunno, bro. Maybe they arranged some sort of deal or they stumbled upon some information that the Dragon didn't want to get out, so he paid them off. We haven't really had time to look into the fund in any more detail except for what Ryan just told you."
"So, what are we waiting for?! First thing- we have to find out more about who managed United Hearts, who could have authorized those deposits-" Castle couldn't contain his excitement any longer, pounding his fist on the desk triumphantly. The vibration caused the precariously stacked mail on the corner to go careening onto the floor with a crash, a landslide of coupons and high-end home furnishing catalogs now littering the floor.
The detectives heard the ruckus on the other side of the phone and Esposito couldn't help but chuckle. "Whoa there, partner. First thing we need to do is keep our heads on straight before we go cowboying around. We have to be damn careful who we talk to."
"Okay, okay. But this could be it, guys. We could finally bring the Dragon to justice." Castle took a deep breath, trying to level his thoughts. "Oh and hey, Ryan?"
"Yea?"
"Nice detecting job, my friend. And even nicer job showing Esposito up with your skills. He's making you look bad, dude," Castle poked.
"Hey!" Esposito replied, feigning offense.
Ryan laughed into the microphone. "Ha! That's exactly what Beckett said!"
He could hear the smile projecting into Ryan's voice, and for a second, Castle almost smiled back. Instead his face fell, slumping back into his office chair.
Beckett? They had talked to Beckett? He exhaled flatly into the phone, hearing the unmistakable smacking sound of Esposito's hand meeting the back of Ryan's head.
"Ow! What the hell, Javi! What was that for?"
A muffled 'stupid' followed by some unintelligible words followed. Apparently Esposito was reprimanding Ryan for spilling the beans about her return.
Castle shook his head, still a bit shocked. "Hey, guys, guys. Stop. It's fine, I'm fine." He chewed on the news for a few moments, not quite knowing how to react. He felt mostly deflated, numb. Of course there was still the part of him that cared for her and couldn't help but feel a sense of happiness too. If she was back at the precinct then she must be doing fairly well, she must be healed. But the flip side was, if she was back that also meant she had chosen not to get in touch with him, her partner. He continued to try and save face in front of the boys.
"And that's, uh, that's good. Great news. She's already back in the saddle working cases then?" Castle tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but it was hard to smother the undercurrent of disappointment that burned in his throat. He hated how it made his voice sound more uneven than he intended.
Castle's change in tone wasn't lost on Esposito. The detective spoke carefully to his friend. "No, she's back in town, but she's not working cases yet. She was just stopping by to get a few things from her desk. Ryan had just discovered the info on this fund, so we went ahead and filled her in." He waited a few seconds for Castle to reply, but when he didn't, Esposito figured he might as well attack the issue head on.
"You know, dude, I think she only just got back to the City last week. I'm sure she's planning on calling you."
Last week? She'd been in town for that long? This intel pushed him over the edge. He was tired of holding it all in.
"Uh-huh, sure she will. Just like she said she would. Three-and-a-half-months-ago," Castle emphasized sarcastically. He knew he was acting a bit childishly, but he didn't care. He also knew he could call her, but that wasn't the point. The point was, she had already made it clear long ago that friendship was as far as it went between them, and maybe he could live with that fact, but that she didn't seem to need his friendship, his support any longer, that was too much to bear.
Then again, why would she reach out to him? She had Josh, a fact that made him nauseous. He had tried to rationalize it over the summer, tried to make it hurt less. Josh was a doctor. Maybe it had been easier for her to share all the physical and medical aspects of her ordeal over the last few months with a physician rather than a lay person. Maybe Josh was more helpful with all the medications, the therapies, or whatever else she might need.
But no matter how he diced it, Castle simply couldn't believe that Dr. Motorcycle Boy, a brainiac surgeon who spent twelve-plus hours a day hunched over anesthetized bodies, would ever be a great comfort to her. After all, he had met the guy several times and he screamed negligible social skills. And sure, he helped save her life, stopped the bleeding from her wounds, for which Castle would always be grateful, but he also felt certain that Josh would never be able to help her come to terms with the unseen injuries that such a trauma inflicted. Castle wasn't naive; he wasn't sure he would be able to help Beckett any better than Josh could, but he would have at least appreciated the chance. Now with the news that she had been in town for days if not longer, apparently she wasn't going to allow him even that.
"Castle? You still there?" Ryan broke the silence timidly.
"Yea. I'm here, it's just- whatever. I guess it is what it is. Look, I should probably go. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Alexis tonight," he answered shortly. "I'll get back with you tomorrow about the rest of this and where we go from here."
The door to his office flung open at that instant and Alexis stood in the threshold, purse on her shoulder, jacket in hand. Clearly she had been listening on the other side of the door.
"Don't worry about me, I'm going to meet Paige for a late movie. I'll probably just stay over at her place tonight," she informed him, shoving her arms through the sleeves of her jean jacket.
"Alexis, no, wait. You don't have to- guys, I'll call you later." He hung up the phone and walked over to where his daughter stood.
"It's fine, Dad. Really. We'll hang out tomorrow." She kissed his cheek stiffly.
Great, now his daughter was upset with him. Could the night get any worse?
"Alexis, I'm sorry I've been such a drag lately. It's just…"
"I know, Dad. Even if you don't want to talk to me about it- I know. I'm not blind. You care about her and she's hurt you," the red-head stated matter-of-factly. "And I love you, Dad. I'm on your side. So you probably won't like what I'm about to say." Alexis paused, taking a deep breath, forcing the words out before she could overthink it. "I think you should cut Detective Beckett some slack."
Castle furrowed his brow in disbelief, subconsciously taking a step back- where was this coming from?
"But, Alexis, she hasn't even tried to get in touch…"
Alexis shook her head dismissively, cutting him off. "Dad, she had been shot, she almost bled to death. We can't know what it's like after something like that."
Castle felt his eyes starting to burn as he remembered how warm her blood had been against his hands. It had soaked straight through her dress uniform, quickly staining the surrounding grass in a dark exodus of life returning to the earth.
Alexis squeezed his hand softly. "All I'm saying is that she's had some pretty heavy stuff to deal with."
"But that's the point, Alexis. I'm her friend, her partner for the last three years. We've been through so much together. I wanted to be there for her and she wouldn't even let me try. What does that say about us- about our friendship?" He dropped her hand to turn away and brush at the tears that threatened to spill out.
Alexis pondered this for a moment, answering thoughtfully. "I don't know, Dad. I guess we all just deal with this sort of thing in our own way, you know?" She circled around to face her father again, forcing some eye contact. "Remember in 9th grade, my friend Cassie's father who died of leukemia?"
Castle nodded. He remembered it well. It had been Alexis's first real experience with the death of someone she knew.
"Cassie didn't talk to any of us for weeks. I was one of her best friends. I called and left messages almost everyday. And then the other girls and I organized that school blood drive in her father's name, and Cassie told the school counselor she would come, but then she didn't show up, and we found out later she had gone to some concert with a girl from another school who she wasn't really even friends with instead. I was so hurt. And mad."
"Yea, I remember. You came home so upset. You told me she was being selfish and ungrateful after everything you had done. And then you promptly burst into tears because you realized how awful that sounded because she had just lost her father."
"Uh-huh. But then a few days later Cassie finally called me, apologizing for not coming to the blood drive or talking to me for so long. She told me that she just couldn't face anything that reminded her of the hospital. Said her dad had gotten so many transfusions during his treatment, she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it."
Castle finally smiled a bit. How someone that he helped shape could be so wise and wonderful would always amaze him.
Alexis took her father's hand again. "So all I'm saying is, if she's not ready, she's not ready. You can be upset with her if you want, you have every right to be. Just don't be so mad that you forget to listen to her when she finally lets you, and I know she will eventually, Dad. And also, when the time comes, you'll have to find a way to forgive her. She means too much to you." She paused a beat for effect. "And because I'm sure she's forgiven you for all the moronic things you've done over the years- I know I have." She punched his bicep playfully just as he wrapped her up in a hug.
"Thanks, Alexis." He sighed into the crown of her head.
Alexis's phone beeped in her pocket. "That's Paige. Let me just tell her that something's come up-" Alexis pulled her phone out and started to text her friend.
Castle stilled her fingers. "Nonsense. Go out with your friends. You've spent enough time with your old man tonight." He released Alexis from his arms, a genuine grin spreading across his face. He really did have a better daughter than he deserved.
"Okay, but I'll be back by noon tomorrow. Maybe we can grab brunch and catch that show at the planetarium tomorrow?" she offered as they walked to the front door.
"Sure. Sounds great, honey." He watched as she got on the elevator. "Text me later!" he shouted down the hall just as the doors slid shut.
Castle leaned back against the door, the silence of the loft suddenly heavy around him. His stomach growled loudly. He had planned on having ice cream as an "appetizer" and then he and Alexis were going to order take-out, so by now he was starving. After placing a delivery order for an Italian sausage, sweet pepper, and basil pizza, he padded into his office, having decided now would be as good a time as any to make some updates to his website. But he frowned as he rounded the corner to his desk- the mail from earlier was scattered everywhere. He thought about leaving it there, the housekeeper was due tomorrow afternoon, but he felt certain his mother would scold him for leaving such a mess for her to clean up. Besides, he needed to sort it anyway and so he began the boring task of sifting through it all.
Ninety percent of it was junk- folded coupon packs and pre-approved platinum credit card applications. He saved a couple of magazines and catalogs he knew Alexis or his mother would want, even taking time to doggy-ear some of the more interesting articles as he skimmed them. After almost an hour he had gotten through the worst of it, determining that the rest was destined for the shredder, but then he came across a large manila envelope buried at the bottom of the pile. It was hand addressed to "Mr. Richard Castle."
His interest was immediately peeked, mostly because he held a secret love of of old-fashioned snail mail- it called to the romantic in him. But the real thing that made his Spidey senses tingle was the neat, right-sloping cursive script that graced the front of the package; clearly the penman or woman was a lefty. The handwriting seemed oddly familiar, he felt he had seen it quite recently in fact, yet he couldn't quite place it. He glanced to the upper right corner of the package where the stamps or automated post-office label should have been to try and gauge when it had been sent, but to his surprise the corner was bare. No return address either.
"Huh," he huffed to the silent audience of the loft. So perhaps the sender had it hand-delivered? But he didn't recall signing for anything if a messenger had dropped it off. Maybe the sender had delivered it themselves, placing it directly in his mailbox? He made a mental note to ask Alexis and his mother if they had signed for anything recently and he'd try to ask the mailman more about it tomorrow. He reached for the letter opener atop the desk and had just wedged the point under the envelope's flap when he heard a firm knock on his front door.
Pizza! He glanced at his watch. "Finally. Thirty minutes my ass," he muttered to himself, grabbing his wallet from the entry table. His stomach rumbled reflexively at the thought of the savory goodness waiting for him on the other side. He opened the door not bothering to look up as he fished through his wallet for some smaller bills to give as a tip.
"Glad you found me! Thought you might have gotten lost or something-" He raised his head, his voice immediately sinking back into his chest.
"Lost? Hmm. Well, I guess in a way, you could say that." He gaped at the woman in front of him as a cautious smile spread across her face. "Hey, Castle."
Indeed, Kate Beckett was back- and at that moment she was standing in his doorway, looking lovelier than ever.
A/N: Next up, they talk.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
-KB