Owner Of A Lonely Heart
I park in the usual spot. I give the security camera inside the elevator a feeble smile and a half-hearted finger wave. I unlock Ranger's door and let myself in. The 7th-floor apartment is dark, empty, and quiet. I turn on the light and drop my bag. I take off my shoes and place Rex on the spotless kitchen counter. I tell him everything is gonna be alright. I put my brand new Batman cookie jar beside the glass aquarium. I try not to doubt myself. I sit down on the couch and start feeling a little upset. Of course I know I am the Queen of Denial. I am also not the cleverest woman alive. Right now my heart is still thumping in my ears. I'm still afraid that my phone will ring anytime and Ranger will tell me to get out and go back. I'm afraid that he'll say he doesn't want me by his side. He's tired of my cliché and drama. There's no place for a woman like me in his life. I tell myself to be brave and blow out a sigh. I feel small and lonely and cold in the vast living room. I feel antsy and scared at the same time. I heard that love will make you blind. What if I am blind to my own flaws and wrongs? What if I am blind to Ranger's flaws and wrongs? What if he's not as perfect as I believe he is? What if his secrets are too dark and too much for me to bear? Is it true that true love shall prevail? Will my love for him be enough? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I smart and brave enough to play this dangerous game? Should I believe in fairy tales? Will there be a Happily Ever After?
I give myself a mental head-slap and roll my eyes. I pick up my bag and start to unpack. I busy myself with happy, constructive thoughts. My hairbrush. My toothbrush. My hair and skin products. My pills and other girly stuff. I spend a whole minute looking at Ranger's razor and aftershave. The bathroom is filled with the delicate scent of his shower gel. My eyes travel to the thick soft towels. The towels Ranger uses to dry himself. The texture. The softness. The feel. The taste. The warmth. The heat. The smooth flawless skin. The barely there smile. The perfect muscles. The pleasure. The sensation. The words he whispered in my ear. I float out of the bathroom and start to put away my clothes, my shoes, my panties and bras. My hands linger on his shirts, his jacket, and his socks. Why his socks? His simple black, white, and grey cotton socks. My pink and white and sky-blue socks look cute by their side. My cherry red high heel slippers look perfect beside his black combat boots. I force my hands off his black boxers and close the drawer. The night is deep. The wind is high. I wonder where Ranger is. I wonder what should I say to him. Maybe I should play cute? Like a sexy dumb blonde? Solve everything with battering eyelashes, seductive smile and bone-melting sex? Nope. He won't fall for that. He's too damn sophisticated and way too smart. He knows I am not as cheap and easy as some people say. He knows I can be clever and creative if I set my mind to it or when I am in the right mood. Even though sometimes I am a tiny little bit shallow and superficial...
Something tugs at the back of my mind. I stand up and pad out of the bedroom. Ranger steps out of the elevator the moment I open the front door. He doesn't raise his brow. He doesn't smile. He doesn't say a word. He's not surprised to see me here. I bite my lower lip. I try to smile but fail. I can't decipher his mood. All of a suddenly fear grabs my heart. His eyes are tired and cold. He looks exhausted and worn. He's limping a little. Is that blood on his shirt? My eyes widen. My breath catches in my throat. I start to tremble a little. I have never seen him like this. What the hell happened? Is he hurt?
"Are you okay?" I hear myself asking. I can barely recognize my voice. Shaky. Broken. Raspy. And fearful.
"Ran into an old friend of mine." He cuts his eyes to me. He tucks a wandering curl behind my ear. His hand is steady, dry, and warm. He softens and almost smiles. "Settled an old score."
Ranger limps into the apartment. Like a scared kitten I follow him. He drinks some water. He looks at the Batman cookie jar. He goes into the bedroom. He gingerly takes off his boots and clothes. I stare at the developing bruises on his perfect body. I know I should see the other guy. But still I nearly whimper. I know he's hurting. I am scared. I am terrified. And I almost cry as reality slowly settles in. The man I love has enemies. He lives a dangerous life. He's willing to pay the price for what he did. He plays by his own rules. He's human. He bleeds. He hurts. He can be killed. He won't live forever. Someday he's going to die. Just like everyone else. One day I'm going to lose him. To Death.
"Batman is human, too, babe." Ranger cups my face with both hands. "But I don't plan to die anytime soon." He gives me his 200 Watt smile and then kisses me.
I cry. And cry harder.
He kisses away my tears.
He drives away my fears.
And I totally forget to inform him that I have officially moved in with him. Well, it isn't my fault. Really. I swear...