Note: This has been revised from its original form. If you see anything that does not add up, is too skippy, or is repeated, please notify me so that I may fix it. Also, if you see any mistakes, please feel free to point them out. And, if you want, flame away!

First, I would like to thank my reviewers: Roxas16, thanks for the ideas! I really needed some ideas and encouraging words! Thanks for the compliment!

Sara A. Wesker thanks for the words of encouragement!

The Moonlight Shadow Alchemist: I am glad you agree with me. And Alfred freaks me out to no end. -shivers- Its not that I don't like cross dressers, some of my friends are cross dressers, but he's in love with his sister man! That kid need some major therapy and needs to get laid, by some one other than his sister.

Please note that I have not had this edited yet, so bare with me here people.

Also, the reason this chapter is so short is because I am having a serious case of writers block, and I want people to know that I am not abandoning this fiction. And finally, suggestions for a new name for this story are welcomed.

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After Jill and Maddie go back inside the mansion, Maddie leads Jill up the stairs and to the door on the right, and stops in front of one of the little tables and grabs the wooden mount.

"Why do we need a piece of wood? " Jill asked.

"Because it turns into a map of the second floor. "

"Ok, that's really weird…"

Maddie shrugs and pulls Jill down the hall and to the very last door on the left and into the study.

"Ok, grab the dog whistle, and the lighter on the desk."

"Why?"

Maddie sighs. "Because it's just like everything else here and it all part of some grater bull shit puzzle, sort of like life." (A/N Fear my cynicism)

Maddie goes over to the other door in this room and stops to examine the door handle.

"Is there a puzzle on the door?" Jill asked.

"No, it's just that it's sort of odd to see door handles and not knobs. In Europe, with exception of the UK, I think, they use door handles instead of knobs, and I believe that this is happening In America."

"Ok… what did that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, just saying."

Maddie opened the door, promptly shot the zombie in the head and went down the hall to the last door in the hallway. The door led into a cozy little room with a fireplace.

"Jill, I need you to stick this piece of wood in the space over the fire place."

"Why?" Jill asked.

"Because I'm too short to do it, (A/N seriously, I'm only five foot, and that's on a tall day. But that would make since because legally, my mom still needs to be in a car seat) and once you do that and light the fire place, it turns into a map of the second floor."

After following Maddie's instructions, this did indeed give them a map.

"Come on, now we have to get stuff… Damn writers block sucks… AND GOD DAMN ALISON HAS MY VOICE RECORDER SO I CAN'T GET THE CUT SCENES RECORDED!"

Jill backs away cautiously. "Ok then…"

"It's time to go to the magic box and put some junk away."

Then they left the room, shot some zombies and went down some stairs with pictures that had no faces or some shit like that. Seriously, you can go check! And into a small side room with the magic box in it.

"What's so magic about it; it just looks like a chest to me…" Jill asked and stated.

"You see, you put some items in it, and when you find another box, it will have the same items in it. Why you can't just use the magic box to move from level to level, I don't know."

"Well, that's a pain in the ass."

"Yeah, grab that fuel tank and put some kerosene in it. However, we only get four uses from it even though that thing is only a little bigger than a brandy tumbler and that tank of kerosene has to have at least ten gallons in it! Also there's some ink ribbons, ammo, and a file about body desposal."

Doing what Maddie instructed her to do; they then left the room, and set the corpses on fire. Maddie laughed, being a sadistic pyromaniac. She laughs even harder when Jill was burnt because she failed to run away fast enough.

Jill glared at Maddie, but Maddie has the scariest glare of them all, so she was not bothered by it. After that, they chose to go through the only other door here.

"That's odd, it says that the knob is about to fall off, but when you see the door, it's a handle…"

When they left the area, Maddie was just about to go through the double doors at the end of that hall, when a zombie attacked Jill. Maddie decided that this would be the opportune time to use her new dagger on the zombie. Therefore, she casually walked over and rammed said dagger in the back of the zombie's squishy rotten head. And laughs.

She reached down to yank the dagger out of the back if the zombie's head; after all, it was a new dagger, when Jill advised against it.

"Now why the hell would I want to leave a perfectly good weapon in the back of its head?"

Jill was at a loss for words. When she thought about it, there really was no reason to do so. Maddie rolled her eyes and wiped the dagger on the zombie's shirt, going through the double doors and going down the hall until she selected the right door that led to a small fenced in area that's outside. She quickly picked up the herbicide.

"What do we need that for?"

"You will see."

Jill was wondering how Maddie knew so much about the mansion and all of its puzzles. The puzzles here were just mad, and come to think of it, Maddie wouldn't look out of place at the Mad Tea Party, changing positions every five minutes. (A/N great, now I made my self want tea. And not that sissy stuff. I make it so strong that even coffee pails in comparison. And I laugh at all those wimps who put cream and sugar in it.) They then went into the Cerberus hall, and killed two of those fucks. "Fun fact time!"

Maddie announced.

"Did you know that in Greek mythology, the Cerberus were the three headed dogs that guarded the gate to Hades?"

"Um… No I didn't. But how did you know that's what those monsters are called?"

"All shall be revealed in the end."

And now Jill was really stating to feel paranoid. So the pair went to the Woman Drawing Water room and from there into the main hall.

"Jill!" Berry cried. "I'm glad you're ok, I have some useless ammo for you, and I haven't found the gun for it yet!" He said gleefully.

"I hate you Berry you worthless ass…" Maddie said, giving him her sole eating glare. He shuddered.

"Who's she?"

And before Jill could answer, Maddie said, "Wesker's little helper, fuck off now please."

Berry blanched and ran away.

"Well that was effective. God I hate him. So worthless!"

"Why did he run away when you said you were Wesker's little helper? Are you Wesker's little helper?"

"He just had to go to the bathroom. And no, I am not Wesker's little helper; if I was, you would be dead by now… Actually I'm his enemy because I'm helping you. I like to make angry the men I like."

Jill, being stupid, accepted Maddie's reason and did not question her about why Wesker was trying to kill them.

They went up the stairs and to the right and into the upper runway and to the door that leads to the stair case and had Jill use her lock pick on a door (for once) and out to the west balcony, where she blew the dog whistle, killed two Cerberus, and picked up the collar, pushed a button, and threw the 'coin' at Jill. "Neat collar; has a secret compartment and every thing." Maddie puts the collar on. Jill looks confused and looked at the 'coin'.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

Maddie sighs and shakes her head.

"Haven't you learned anything? Examine it stupid!"

Jill finds the button, pushes it, and it turns in to the imitation key.

"Ok, now we have to go back to the mirror hall way, and switch it with the real thing."

"Why couldn't we just take the real key?"

"Because if we did, we would activate another booby trap, and get killed."

"That's a good reason."

"As good as any."

They unlocked the door on the upstairs balcony, but went back the way the came.

"Hey, there's still stuff in here." Jill said.

"I know, but we'll come back to it later. Right now, I want to get that other key."

"Well, that was oddly unmean of you."

"'Unmean' is not a word, Jill."

"Never mind."

They went through the door back to the upper runway, and into the door to the Mirror Hall, and Jill was just about to enter the Armor Hall, when Maddie pulled out her gun and cocked it.

"What-." Jull was interrupted by the strange exhale of the previously dead man on the floor as he rose to his feet, and ran at them with a speed that zombies do not possess. Not really a problem, though. Maddie coolly pulled the trigger, and the force of bullet hitting it in the head sent it spinning to the floor, blood leaking out of the gaping hole in the back of its head.

"What the hell was that?" Jill asked.

"Well, I think that it would be obvious. You did read the body disposal file, didn't you?"

"Maybe…"

"My god, you lazy idiot. Didn't you wonder why I made you light the non-headshot zombies on fire?"

"I just thought it was an OCD thing, and the fact you're completely insane! Besides, who's going to argue with a crazy magnum wielding chick? Not me."

Maddie just rubbed the bridge of her nose. Why did everyone have to be so completely and utterly useless?

"Do you really think I would waist time doing that in this situation if it wasn't necessary? My god! You have no powers of deduction, do you?"

"Powers of what?"

Maddie cuffed her on the side of the head.

"You're wasting time. There are things that need doing, and I'm not going waist my time playing dictionary to a high school drop out."

"Hey, how did you know that?"

"Powers of deduction."

And they went through the door.

Maddie made fun of the suicidal notes on the shields. Maddie picked up the key, and the sound of gears turning was heard. One of the statues of armor came at them, spiked shield spinning, as the walls closed in and the knight behind them moved forward.

"Uh-oh." Maddie said.

Jill was beginning to panic, the armor was getting closer, and what was Maddie doing, where was the imitation key?

"What, what's wrong?" the nervousness heavy in her voice.

"I think I dropped the imitation key…"

"You what?!"

"I had it a second ago!"

The armor was getting closer. They looked around franticly, not seeing the key! Just as it was about to impale Jill, Maddie gave an evil cackle and put the imitation key in its place. Clicks and whirls were heard, the armor retreated, and the hall was once again normal.

"Fooled you!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!"

She grabbed Maddie by the throat and rammed her against the wall. Maddie just continued to laugh, which only made Jill angrier.

"If I were in any really danger, I would have just put the key back! I am not stupid you know! Besides, I just love to make people squirm!" Maddie pulled out her magnum and put it to Jill's head. "Besides, you wouldn't hurt a person with a magnum, would you?" She asked, making a pouty face.

Jill dropped her as if she was burning her hands and Maddie just laughed more. She walked off, making an off-handed jester for Jill to follow, back still turned.

After making their way to the correct hallway, Maddie dragged Jill to the other room in this hall; you know, the one with the fish tank thing on one side and the bedroom on the other? Once in that room, they go to the bedroom on the right.

"Look, there are foot prints leading straight through the bed into the wall!" Jill said.

"Yeah, but that's just a plot hole, I haven't figured it out yet, and I've beat this game at least three times! Grab the first aid spray so we can get out of this room, it pisses me off."

Jill followed, grabbed the first aid spray, left, and went to the other door. On the other side of said door, they met Barry reading some file.

"Hey Jill, look what I found!" He handed the file to Jill. After she was done reading it, Maddie quickly scanned it while he spoke to Jill.

"What do you make of it?" Barry asked.

"What is there to make of it? I think it's pretty up front And what kind of a name is Crackhorn. I wonder how many times that guy got made fun of in school." Maddie said, crossing her arms.

"I think it says that he was infected with a virus that makes you go to sleep forever!" Jill said, very excited.

"I think you're right, Jill! That must mean that there are two viruses!" Barry said.

Maddie had heard enough. She hit them both on the head. "No, you hulking morons, that means that the guy killed himself after catching the 'zombie virus' as we shall call it for the moment. When he wrote 'eternal sleep' it means that he's going to die. He's using it as a metaphor for death!" Maddie said, outraged.

"Oh…" the two said in unison.

"Now get the hell out of here, Barry. Go do whatever the hell it is you do before I'm forced to call Wesker."

"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am!" he said, leaving in a hurry.

"By Barry!" Jill waved to him as he stumbled out the door.

"F.A.S. much, Jill?

"What?"

"Oh, never mind!"

Maddie then went about doing the puzzle in the room, grabbing the fish hook from one of the display cases, a bee lure from the case that held various insect specimens, and a bee specimen from a case that held fishing lures. She then combined the bee lure with the fishhook, and how she does so without glue or tape is unknown to the world. She puts the bee specimen in the insect case and puts the bee lure in the lure case, runs back and pushes a switch (though how you push a switch I don't know. You push a button and flip a switch for those of you who didn't get that) and took the wind crest from behind the insect case.

After that, the bee came alive and attacked them, so Maddie killed it. "How the hell did that thing come alive? Some preserving fluid was probably covering it! I mean, I know the whole T-virus thing, but come on, its muscles would be so atrophied by now that it wouldn't be able to move!"

"How do you know this stuff?" Jill asked, for some reason ignoring the part about the T-virus.

"My mom is like Jeopardy smart, and I listen to her a lot." Maddie said.

Jill shrugged and said, "What's the wind thing for?"

"So we can get the magnum."

"I thought you had a magnum already?"

"I do, but you need one, too."

"Good point…

"Not that you'll kill anything with it; no one on your team can aim!" Maddie taunted "Except for -fan girl sigh- Wesker!"

"Shut up…" Jill said.

Going back down the stairs, the alcove with the door to the magic box had a piece of paper taped to the wall to its right. It read the following:

Dear Wesker's Little Helper… and Jill to.

I got sum things to help you with. Tell Wescker that I hellpt his Little Helper, and I ben doin a good job helpen her and that I luv my family lots.

-Barry

"I'll give him a C+ for effort, and an F- for everything else." Maddie said, not caring. On the bottom of the paper, she wrote the following:

Dear Barry,

You are an ass who spells worse than I do. You can suck my metaphorical cock.

-Wesker's Little Helper

They sifted through the semi worthless carp Barry left, and then went to the Stained Glass Hall.

"Right, now what?"

"Make the accessories on the other people match the chick's in the picture in the front."

"Do I get a death mask?"

"Yep."

"Sweet."

"Like Wesker."

Jill just looked at Maddie.

"What? He's hot…"

So anyway…. Because I have a short attention span…

They then go out into the fenced in area of the grave yard, and Jill uses her lock pick to unlock it.

"And why did you not do that from the start?" Maddie asked, annoyed.

"I don't know..." Jill replied.

Maddie shook her head, and took Jill back down the seemingly endless flight of stairs into the crypt and set the death mask in place. One of the chains broke and Maddie danced in the raining blood causing Jill's eye to twitch.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Giant Dinosaur Penis!" -Erin, on you don't want to know.