In the Wake of Light and Chaos
Learning Through Experience
by Meimi

Chapter Summary: Hope knows that he's completely screwed up, but he's trying. (Pre-PTSD for obvious reasons.)

Hope was confused. It was becoming a familiar state of being, one he had existed within ever since they had returned to the world below: a world once again rich in time and possibilities. Granted, he'd spent the first day in and out of consciousness, but when he'd finally returned to the land of the living, Noel (and the others) had been there waiting for him. Hope would like to say that he'd been happy about it. Overjoyed maybe? But he just... didn't know what that felt like anymore. Logically, he knew that being happy meant someone felt joyous, glad, elated maybe? Thrilled? Pleased? Jubilant? Merry? Ecstatic? What did any of that even really feel like? He knew what all of those words meant, could guess at the emotional states that they were supposed to signify, but he couldn't quite remember what they actually felt like.

To be pure, one had to be free of the taint of human emotions, free of mortal attachments. Bhunivelze had never been content on his progress with that, but Hope rather thought that was for the best. Better to still be a little too human in the eyes of God than to be... perfect. Failure had meant pain, but success would have meant nothing at all. Unfortunately, Hope couldn't exactly say that Bhunivelze had been completely unsuccessful into molding him into the perfect host. Emotions were difficult. Feelings were often incomprehensible. And those were just his own. Understanding the emotions of others? A strenuous task, to say the least.

Lightning had told him to take it slow, to be easy on himself, let things happen day by day and everything would eventually start to make sense. It was a reasonable course of action, but he'd been living one day to the next (sometimes even one second to the next when God had been displeased with him) for over a century now. Being passive wasn't going to help him remember how to apply the proper emotional definition to the actual sensation it belonged to. He needed to work at it if he wanted to get anywhere with "getting his head back on straight", as Snow would probably have put it.

More than that though was Noel. Noel confused him, more so than anyone else. Noel, whom he was certain had been happy (Was that even the right word?) to see him again. Noel who, as far as he could remember, had always been overly physical with his affections. Noel who still hugged him, but not too much, and still kissed him, but nothing like before, and absolutely nothing else. It was strange and confusing, and Hope at least recalled enough to know that this just wasn't how Noel acted. At all. He was experiencing other emotions about it asides from just being confused, of course. The hurt was easy enough to identify, he'd never been allowed to forget what pain felt like, but there was more to it than just that. Confusion, yes. Bafflement? Probably. Worry? Concern? Maybe. He had almost felt those when faced with the reality that Vanille might destroy herself over some duty that had been forced upon her. He hadn't wanted to lose any of his friends, regardless of whether he'd still been himself or not. So that all made sense, he supposed. Fear? It was heavy enough for that, he'd felt the ghost of it when Lightning had been awakened. The fear of losing everything. The rest was too complicated for him to fathom.

Hope had loved Noel. Would love Noel again? Probably still loved him? Love was a many faceted and intricate emotion. It was entirely beyond his grasp to discern the totality of at the moment, but he knew some things. Affection was soft and warm at its core. It could, and often was, joined by other states: mischievousness, contentment, need, satisfaction, gratification, lots and lots of other emotions. Noel had thrived off all of them, and Hope didn't think that would have changed much. Noel was Noel. Right? Something else had to be holding him back. Hope didn't think it could be because Noel had stopped caring for him with the same intensity as before either. He wouldn't have blamed him if he had, the years had been very, very long. But no, he still caught Noel looking at him in the exact same way he had in distant memories. So what was it?

Eh, he wasn't going to be able to figure anything out on his own. Hope needed help for this. Or, in this particular case, it was time to go to the source. At the very least, Noel needed to know that Hope required things to be spelled out for him for the time being. He could try and guess. He'd been doing that for days now, but he didn't really think he'd arrive at the desired results if left to his own devices. Not yet, anyway. Too much had to be relearned first.

On the bright side, Noel was never hard to find. He was always nearby. He didn't exactly hover, mind you, but Noel was definitely keeping an eye on him. And after that first day of lost time, Noel had insisted on sleeping with him in the same bed (again). Yet another behavior that told him that Noel's lack of certain other actions was not caused by diminished attachment. The fact that Noel clung to Hope like a barnacle in his sleep was also another indication, a very overt one.

"We need to talk." Did he say that right? Was the inflection correct? He didn't want to sound like he was angry or anything. Though, now that he thought about it, maybe there was something of the sort. Irritation? Annoyance? He recalled that Noel had been good at producing those sort of feelings in him. Fondness, as well.

"Sure!" Noel chirped cheerfully and eagerly patted a spot next to him on the couch. "What's up?"

Hope chose the chair across from him instead. It was easier to make guesses when he could see people's faces. "You are being reticent."

His choice of seating produced a light frown from Noel. "About what?"

"Your physical displays of affection," Hope explained.

Noel narrowed his eyes in what was most likely confusion. Good, they were both on the same page with at least one thing now. "This is a problem?"

"For you? Yes." Hope gestured with one hand to punctuate his statement. Body language was also important when expressing emotions. And he was feeling... irritated. Yes! He was irritated with Noel. "And unfortunately, I don't have the capability yet to figure out what is wrong, so you will just have to tell me."

Noel blinked at him slowly, then reached back to scratch at the nape of his neck as he looked off to the side. "You think there's a problem because we haven't... done anything?"

"Yes," Hope deadpanned.

"I see." Noel shrunk down on himself somewhat. Now that was an interesting reaction. What brought it on? Was he reacting in wariness to Hope's possible responses? Or was something else at play here? "Ah, well, it's not really anything super important." Now that was definitely hesitant behavior. That meant that he was uncomfortable with the subject. Whatever for?

"Tell me anyway." Hope demanded. He needed answers and he would get them, one way or another.

"It's not that I don't want to. You know me," Noel shrugged and waved both hands helplessly in the air. "I just don't want to pressure you into anything."

"Where did you get that from?" Hope asked acidly. Now he was annoyed. Most certainly annoyed. "If I didn't want to do anything I would just tell you no like before."

"Yeah, but this isn't like before," Noel stated plainly, his expression turning serious as he looked Hope in the eye. "You're having problems. And I don't want you to do anything if you don't know or understand whether you feel like it or not."

Oh. So Noel had noticed what even he was having trouble putting into words. That was... comforting. Warm and soft feelings. Affection then. Tinged with... relief maybe? One more piece of that enormous puzzle he'd managed to figure out thanks to Noel's inadvertent help. "Yes, I am," Hope began and hoped that he could properly express what he actually needed. "But I don't want you holding yourself back because of it. In fact, I need you not to. Thinking things through will only get me so far. If I don't experience anything then I won't be able to determine how exactly I'm supposed to feel about it."

Noel frowned and studied him thoughtfully for a few moments. "So... what you're saying is that you need to do things to remember what it feels like to do them. Is that it?"

An overly simple way of putting it, but it wasn't far off the mark. "More or less."

Noel nodded, seemed to come to some sort of decision and hopped up from his seat on the couch. "Do you have anything else planned for the day?"

Hope peered up at him as Noel trotted over to his chair. Their history together told him where this was heading. Not exactly what he'd been after, but he had no objections. "Not in particular."

"Excellent!" Noel rubbed his hands together in what had to be glee. Excitement would also work, but glee seemed more appropriate. Or perhaps both, Hope thought to himself as Noel reached down and hefted him up bridal style. This was very awkward, but probably wouldn't last long judging by Noel's rather large grin.

"I think it's time I showed you what it feels like to be touched by me again," Noel crowed as he headed off in the direction of their bedroom. "All over."