[KnM][MH] Revolutions FuMooFu
Revolutions FuMooFu – Chapter 2 - The Dildo Incident
A Kannazuki no Miko and Mai Hime X-Over Fanfic (with cameos from other series)
By Jen-chan
October 20, 2014 and November 1, 2014.
Word Count: Approx 5,000
Please enjoy! There are more author's notes at the end and comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated!
The Hime and their loved ones did not generally get together - all together - for social occasions very often, partially because it was difficult to find a venue that could sit all of them comfortably. Still, they had good reason to try to get together on a regular basis, if not everyone then at least whoever could make it, for in a world where orphans, monsters and magical girls openly existed, it could only be called prudent to keep up with the news of what was going on.
It was Director Fumi who made the initial suggestion to meet monthly for lunch to catch up. Many of the monsters that still roamed the Earth from the Day the Skies Split were in Fuuka after all, and since they did statistically appear to be attracted to teen-aged girls, there were a few students over the last two years who had effectively become the next generation of Hime by 'adopting' a stray orphan, and thereby essentially turning the monsters into their Childs. Seeing the confusion that this had wrought on those young lives, Fumi, with Mashirou's encouragement, had found it necessary in her heart to take those girls under her wing. That was what had started the monthly lunch meeting that saw the introduction of several new 'Hime' into this sisterhood of older girls who intimately knew the challenges of having their love for their most important persons manifested and tied to a half mechanical, half magical house pet who may or may not be house trained, who may or may not even fit in the house.
Most of the meetings were lively and friendly and took place on the second Tuesday of every month in the Director's rose garden with the gazebo and the fountain, and the Hime and their most important persons who chose to attend put aside any differences they may still have been harboring after all these years for the sake of civility.
No one would have guessed that Yuuki Nao would have become the most ardent supporter of these meetings - in attendance if not in words - for she had somehow, over the last two years, found herself showing quite a few girls "the ropes". Some of them came to her through the Church (which was ill equipped to help those few with the practical side of magical girl-hood) but more than one she had met at the dead end of a bad street in the wrong hour of the middle of the night. If asked, of course, Nao would deny having done any of this at all, and certainly not out of the goodness of her heart, but actions spoke louder than words, and no one believed the vehement but sputtering denials coming out of the redhead's mouth at all. Indeed, it was these good deeds that got Nao appointed to the Vice Presidency in her senior year at Fuuka when the various beneficiaries of her good work had let the student body President know of the impact she had had on their lives.
(Nao had refused, adamantly, for a long time, and then, eventually, with great protest, shown up to classes one day wearing the black blazer.)
Okuzaki Akira and Tokiha Takumi attended sometimes when their other club activities permitted them to, as did Munakata Shiho, though not very often.
Kikukawa Yukino, Suzushirou Haruka, Kuga Natsuki and Fujino Shizuru also regularly attended the lunches, as they were all at the nearby university. Tokiha Mai with Tate Yuuichi attended when they could but lunch was always busy at her restaurant and it was difficult for her to leave. Minagi Mikoto was a complete wild card who could disappear for weeks at a time and return without seeming to realize she'd been gone for any length of time at all, so it was difficult to count on her.
Representing the faculty, along with Director Fumi and former-Director Mashirou, Sugiura Midori could also be counted on to be in attendance, sometimes with Sagisawa Youko. Ishigami Yukariko and Higurashi Akane and were probably the only Hime to never attend, as one had retired to the countryside with her husband to raise their toddler, while the other had moved away with Kurauchi Kazuya to go to University elsewhere.
And though they were not Hime themselves, an invitation was always extended to Kurusugawa Himeko and Himemiya Chikane, once they had settled down in Fuuka.
Today's meeting was largely more social than educational, as there were no new Hime to introduce, and most everyone as listed above were in attendance with the exception of Shiho, Akira, Takumi and Youko.
They smiled and greeted each other as they came to their usual meeting place, before a completely unexpected and ridiculous thing happened that stopped everyone in their tracks.
The twelve women and one man all stared in flabbergasted bewilderment at the foreign object that was just sitting casually like it had every right to be there, beside the water fountain, on the ground, in the centre of the rose garden in the middle of Fuuka Academy during an otherwise completely normal Tuesday lunch period:
It was a bright, screaming pink, 10 inch, silicone dildo with a happy face (=D) printed on its tip.
Thirteen sets of eyes had all arranged themselves into a perfectly round circle around the dildo and was staring at it with expressions ranging from moral fury through bemused curiosity to complete confusion.
Naturally, it was Haruka who spoke first, gasping in outrage and stabbing a mighty finger in Shizuru's face, right between her amused eyes, such that Shizuru had to cross them to focus on what was hovering so indignantly in front of her so. "You deviant!" Haruka hollered, "how dare you bring such a disgusting thing onto Fuuka's school grounds! You're trying to pervert innocent, under-aged minds with your corruption, aren't you?!"
Shizuru stared back at Haruka and a vein of irritation almost throbbed at her temple (almost, but not quite, as Shizuru was very good at defending her person against such frivolous sight-gags). "And pray-tell, Suzushirou-san," she replied calmly but coolly, "why would you presume this item to belong to me?"
"Well duh!" Haruka insisted, rolling her eyes as though Shizuru was insulting her mighty intelligence. "This is a lesbian tool and you're the lesbian!" And then she blinked. "Well, unless it's Kuga-san's. Or Himemiya-san's. Or Kurusgawa-san's." And then Haruka looked at Fumi and Mashiro, and then she looked at Mai and Mikoto, and at this point, Haruka grabbed Yukino's shoulder, turned her best friend around, and whispered in Yukino's ear so loudly everyone could hear her, "oi, Yukino, is it just me, or do they outnumber us?"
Yukino just pinched the bridge of her nose like she had a very bad headache, and quietly turned both herself and Haruka around to face the rest of the group without dignifying her best friend's question with an answer.
By this point, Natsuki's cheeks had turned almost as bright pink as the dildo, as had Himeko's to almost the exact same shade, and they both cried, quite loudly, in that exact same horrified tone, "that's not mine!"
Chikane crossed her arms in front of her chest and the temperature around her dropped a few degrees as she assumed the position of Someone Who's Better Than You. "Honestly, Suzushirou-sempai, I am offended that you could articulate such a ridiculous presumption in this day and age that those of us who happen to prefer the same sex would all be sexual deviants who would bring as an inappropriate an item as this to a public place."
"Ara, I couldn't have said that better myself," Shizuru replied, nodding firmly. "Besides. Natsuki's is blue."
"AAAAH! Shut up shut up shut up!" Natsuki cried, deforming into a two foot tall chibi version of herself with tears of outraged horror spilling from the black-outlined white blots on her face that were her eyes, even as she throttled Shizuru's neck back and forth.
"Oowua! What is it? It looks like a pink banana!" At this point, Mikoto crouched down on all fours and put her nose up really close to the smiling happy face (=D) on the dildo to give it a sniff of investigation.
"AAAH! Stay away from that thing!" Mai cried, grabbing Mikoto's collar and bodily pulling the smaller girl away. "You don't know who that thing's been in!"
The black haired wild child sputtered and coughed wildly as she was inadvertently strangled, and she gave Mai a bit of a put out, wounded but mostly confused look.
Mai colored, and coughed. "I mean, you don't know where that thing's been!"
"Well..." Midori also squatted down and squinted her eyes at the thing, though she kept a further, more respectful distance than Mikoto had. "Whose ever it is, at least it looks clean..." And that observation did much to both improve the trauma the group was experiencing (as the dildo was clean), but also simultaneously worsen it to the nth degree (but what if it hadn't been?)
"Aaah, maybe it just... fell out of someone's bag or purse?" Fumi tried to be as helpful as possible, though she had several sweatdrops on the back of her head. She was standing behind Mashirou's wheel chair and the lavender haired girl was staring at the dildo with fascination in her green eyes as though she had never seen one before (and in 300+ years of existence, she really hadn't had an opportunity to come across one before, which is probably for the best considering the fact that she did look like an 11 year old.)
"Riiiight." Nao rolled her eyes. She was trying to ignore the domestic violence that was happening just beside her, even as she wondered whether that particular shade of purple Shizuru was turning was a healthy one. "So how about, to spare anyone further embarrassment, we all just turn around and look away for, like 10 seconds, and whoever this thing belongs to can just pocket it and no one will think any worse of her." She looked at Tate. "Or him."
Tate sputtered. "What?! That's not mine!"
Everyone at this point stared at Nao silently, and she frowned, crossing her arms in front of her chest defensively. "What?"
"Nothing." Midori replied flatly, looking at her student. "That was a surprisingly mature and not-sarcastic suggestion, Nao-chan. Are you sure this thing doesn't belong to you?"
"Oh like HELL!" Nao snapped, her defensiveness quickly blossoming into out-and-out denial, her face as beet red as her hair. "It's probably YOURS, Sensei! Considering your man-friend doesn't even live in Fuuka! What have you gotta do to keep yourself from feeling all hot and bothered and lonely at night?!"
Now that blush leapt over to Midori's cheeks as she opened and closed her mouth a few times, but was so indignant she couldn't get any words to actually leave her lips.
But before everyone could erupt into a shouting match, Himeko quickly put her hands up in the universally recognized request for peace and said, "aaah, that actually is a very good idea, Nao-chan! How about we just do that? Come on, please?" She caught Chikane's eyes meaningfully.
For a moment, Chikane could only stare back at Himeko in completely incomprehension, before her eyes widened in surprise, but before she could say anything, Himeko had turned the both of them around, and soon, everyone else followed suit.
"10... 9... 8...7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... and... 1."
With the countdown completed, everyone slowly turned back around to see if anyone had put the offending item away but to most everyone's surprise, the bright pink dildo remained right there in the middle of the group, smiling (=D) up at them in friendly greeting.
"..."
The thirteen pairs of eyes all looked at each other suspiciously, and Haruka said to Yukino in a loud whisper that everyone could hear again, "why is it still there?" to which Yukino replied, "maybe 10 seconds is not enough time? Do we need to do it again?"
But no one was willing to admit that they needed more time, since none of them were willing to admit that the dildo belonged to them in the first place.
Chikane looked up at Himeko who was not quite meeting her eyes, and who was still blushing brightly pink and who had also suspiciously buttoned her mouth tightly shut. Chikane's eyes widened incredulously for just a moment, before they returned to their normal, cool, almost haughty expression.
And that was when the blue-black haired girl knew it was time to play up her chicanery - that artful subterfuge that might as well have been her namesake, so she cleared her throat and said, "well, if no one is willing to step forward and claim this item, then perhaps it really doesn't belong to anyone here. Perhaps an earlier group of friends who eat lunch here left it?"
"But this is on Mashirou-sama and mine's private grounds," Fumi said, her brow crinkled, "and this garden is usually off limit to students unless there is a special occasion, so that is unlikely. Was it even yet here when the first of us arrived?"
At this point, all eyes turned to Haruka - she who was always punctual. Always. Haruka was aghast at the insinuation in everyone's eyes. "What?! How dare you suggest that I, Suzushirou Haruka, could ever-"
"No one thinks it's yours." Nao said flatly. "Because you clearly have not been laid in years." She smirked. "But you arrived together with Yukino, did you not?"
And now everyone turned their attention onto the mousey brown-haired girl who's glasses suddenly steamed up. "T-that's absurd!" Yukino cried, fiddling with her glasses nervously. "I mean, why would I buy that model? It's only got a 3 month warranty, it isn't dishwasher safe and you can't even use it with a harness or..." she trailed off when everyone else's eyes got really, really big as they stared at her.
Even Haruka, who's mind appeared to be quite blown, could only blink dumbly at her best friend before remembering who she was and leaping to her friend's defense - bodily stepping in front of Yukino and stretching her arms to each side as she glared at everyone else with an intensity that could melt glass. "Yukino says it's not hers. So it isn't." She more or less snarled in challenge at anyone who would dare to.
At this point everyone else was starting to look quite uncomfortable, before Shizuru suggested (now that Natsuki had unhanded her). "Well... perhaps we can just... ignore the presence of this unfortunate item and... get on with lunch?"
So... they tried.
By that point, they were all mature young adults (well, except Mikoto) so they tried their damndest to be mature about it. They legitimately tried to just ignore this bright pink smiling (=D) sex toy that was sitting there in their midst, because no one had the guts to move it, and they tried to make small talk to each other, but everyone still had one eye on the dildo even as they tried to move on with their lunch, and it really didn't help at all when Mikoto disappeared and came back with a stick in her hands and started to poke at the thing.
"Aaah!" Mai groaned, "even if that thing doesn't belong to anyone, can someone grab a paper towel and throw it away or something? It is really distracting, and I don't think I can finish my lunch if I have to keep looking at that creepy thing!"
The dildo just continued to smile (=D).
"Eh? Throw it away?" Himeko seemed quite perturbed. "But that's so mean! It might not be fancy or top of the line or anything, but look at that happy (=D) face on it! Someone will miss it if it just gets thrown away! What about all the years of loyal service it's probably put in?"
At this point, everyone was staring at Himeko with expressions of O_o and O_O and even =_=. Except for Shizuru. Shizuru just raised an eyebrow, and rather than looking at Himeko, looked over at Chikane knowingly, causing the blue-black haired girl to suddenly and inexplicably blush. Hard.
Taking a moment to comprehend the expression on everyone else's face, Himeko suddenly realized what it sounded like coming out of her mouth, and she sweatdropped mightily, waving her arms in front of her in flat out denial.
"No! Oh, no! Really, it's not mine! Honestly! It's just! It's just...! Oh, just look at it!" And here Himeko motioned towards the smiling (=D) dildo as though it were exhibit 'A', and said, "can't you see? This... this dildo was beloved. It belonged to someone. It has... it has tamashii! It wouldn't be right to just... just throw it away. We should... we should bury it with proper ceremony as befit a beloved item."
And now everyone was looking at her like she really was crazy... except for Midori, who raised an eyebrow and regarded the tawny-haired woman in appraisal.
"Ah..." Midori said, a strange sort of fascination and epiphany in her voice. "Tamashii... Spirit. Like when an inanimate item has been around for so long, or put in so many years of loyal service, it develops a soul." The history teacher was now looking at the pink dildo with what looked like new appreciation, and she couldn't help but somehow understand what the tawny-haired woman - who remembered every single one of her past lives - could possibly be trying to get at.
Even that silly, smirky, smiley face (=D) seemed suddenly to hide a deep, tragic sort of strength, as though this poor sex toy was trying to offer up the world a happy face when it was really secretly weeping inside at its own abandonment.
"Ah...!" And now, Fumi's eyes seemed to light with understanding too, as she looked down at the lavender haired girl in the wheel chair in front of her. "Sort of like... like my doll that you were able to cast your soul into, Mashirou-sama? Because I had loved it for so long?"
Mashirou craned her head up to look at Fumi, a very disturbed expression on her face. "Fumi-san, please never compare me to that-" she pointed at the smiling (=D) sex toy, "again. But you are essentially correct."
And as everyone now stared at the pink dildo awkwardly, suddenly Tate took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his head. 'Okay,' the expression on his face seemed to say, 'here's where I shine. Here's where I man up, and do the gross thing all these girls can't bear to do.'
"Alright," Tate finally said, reaching into his pocket and bringing out a handkerchief and advancing on the massive dildo he didn't feel inadequate beside no no nope not at all. "I'll get rid of it."
"No," Chikane interjected, unexpectedly (to all except maybe Himeko. And Shizuru). "I'll... I'll do it. If this... this thing really does have tamashii... then it wouldn't be right if you did it, Tate-sempai."
But even as she said this, and accepted the beige handkerchief that Himeko pulled out of a purse and handed her, a solemn expression in her eyes, the blue-black haired girl stared at the smiling (=D) sex toy like she really, really, really did not relish the thought of having to touch it.
Soothing her skirt back modestly, Chikane reached out for the dildo, slowly, deliberately.
With every inch that her hand advanced closer and closer to the sex toy, time seemed to slow, as though it could not believe that she was actually going to go through with such a thing, and a loud, rhythmic pounding (similar to ones that usually happen during dramatic scenes in medical shows) began to thump in her ears.
And then, just as her quivering, trembling fingertips were almost there, suddenly, Chikane was distracted from her very important and heroic duty by an unexpected jangling sound.
Blinking in confusion, Chikane looked over towards the noise, as did everyone else, and saw a familiar blue and silver dog approach them, a purple monkey-mouse riding on his head. The jangling had been his dog tags rattling together on his collar. Duran came up to the group and gave his mistress a bark of greeting, rubbing the top of his head against Natsuki's hand hanging slack at her side before his eyes perked up as he spied the bright pink dildo.
He casually walked over to it, sniffed it, and then picked it up in his mouth and walked away with it.
Chikane continued to stare at the spot on the ground where the smiling (=D) sex toy she had just been about to valiantly dispose of used to be, but now wasn't and blinked audibly.
"..."
Woodenly, she turned her head to follow Duran.
Everyone stared after the dog as it approached one of the rose bushes, dug a hole, dropped the dildo in, and then covered up its smiling (=D) face again with dirt shoveled over courtesy of his back legs.
Having properly buried the pink sex toy, Duran came back to where Chikane was still crouched on the ground, and gave her a big, happy, wet lick of appreciation on her cheek for helping him find his treasure.
"..."
Chikane's eyes got really, really, REALLY big as they swiveled to stare in disbelief at the hint of drool (from the mouth that had just carried that bright pink sex toy whom noone knew where had been) that was still left on her cheek, and she froze, statute still, her mind not quite able to quite process the indignity that her person had just suffered.
Once upon a time, a long time ago (during a time that never actually did happen), another puppy had given her a sloppy lick on the face in the middle of a rose garden, and she had laughed, happily and joyfully.
This... was not quite the same experience.
"Woof!" Duran gave another happy bark, and then left the garden as suddenly as he had arrived.
Everyone was stunned for the longest time, wordless, before Mai said, quite incredulously, "that thing belonged to Duran?"
"I knew that." Mikoto pouted, sitting on the ground and crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It smelled exactly like his drool. But Mai wouldn't let me say it."
(Meanwhile, as they were having this conversation, Himeko hurried to her semi-catatonic beloved's side, and crouched down to put a worried hand on Chikane's shoulder, murmuring gently, "Chikane-chan? Chikane-chan? Are you okay?")
Of course, no one believed that the dildo could actually belong to a dog (honestly, where would he have gotten the money to go purchase the thing, really?) so Natsuki suddenly found herself under the intense scrutiny of twelve pairs of eyes.
Shizuru pouted, hurt clearly evident in her crimson own. "Ara, Natsuki, why didn't you tell me about that one?"
The blue-black haired girl turned beet red. "S-SERIOUSLY!" Natsuki cried, sputtering wildly with sweatdrops aaall over the back of her head. "It's not mine! It really isn't! I have no idea why Duran would have that thing nor where he would have found it! Mine's blue!"
And then realizing what she had confirmed out loud, Natsuki could only cringe in defeat and bury her face in her hands.
"Uh huh." Mai stared at Natsuki, eyes half-lidded with an expression of acute disbelief on her face. "Sure it is, Natsuki, sure."
Glaring icily at her best friend, the blue-black haired girl looked ready to strangle someone. "IT IS! I mean that isn't-! Oh god!" Throwing her hands up in the air, she spun on her heel and walked away, muttering indignantly to herself. "Why does this sort of crap always happen to me?!"
"Aaah, I guess it doesn't matter who's it was, ultimately!" Himeko suddenly interrupted, clasping her hands in front of her chest in what sort of looked like a respectful prayer for the departed. (Chikane had, by now, managed to get back onto her feet, and was furiously rubbing at her cheek with Himeko's handkerchief like she hadn't quite recovered yet from her ordeal.) "It's now gone to a better place..."
"Hardly," Yukino muttered under her breath, a regretful expression on her face though no one really heard her. "Silicone isn't biodegradable. It would have been better to just recycle it. At least that way, maybe it could have been given a second chance at life as something else."
"Oh." Himeko considered this, before tapping a finger on her chin a bit guiltily. "Well, I suppose, if that's the case we could just dig it up and-"
"No." Chikane said quickly, giving her beloved a pleading look, even as she tugged on Himeko's sleeve. "Just... no."
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
So this chapter *probably* shouldn't be number 2, but I couldn't help myself. =P I figure, given the episodic nature of FuMoofu, it shouldn't matter too much if I start jumping around the timeline a little and just go with whatever muse-chan wants to do, right? But if it gets too hard to follow, let me know and I'll try to throw up a timeline or something.
This chapter is dedicated to guubear, mostly because she would be half horrified, and half pleased, that of all the ideas we've been sound-boarding together, *this* is the one that gets dedicated in her honor.
As another heads up, I've decided that I want to give NaNoWriMo a try this year using FuMoofu as the project, so I hope to have 50,000 words pounded out in the month, and will be releasing chapters through-out the month (as much as makes sense to, anyway). I'll be updating word count on livejournal and tumblr periodically if you want to track my progress and offer me any words of encouragement (or if you have any ideas for FuMooFu episodes you want to see, though I won't promise I'll actually do them!)
Cheers,
jen-chan
jen-chan-shaw. livejournal. com
jen-chan-shaw. tumblr. com
OMAKE I: Another Missed Reunion
SHIHO: [To AKANE] The author really doesn't like us, does she?
AKANE: [Sighing] No, I don't think she does. But did you really want to show up in a chapter called 'The Dildo Incident'?
SHIHO: Good point.
OMAKE II: So Who's Was It?
[In the dead of night, a black, shadowy ninja-like figure could be seen leaping over one of the rose-walls in FUMI & MASHIROU's garden, stealthily sneaking her way through the paths towards the gazebo. She hides around the fountain, and turns her head this way and that for any witnesses before tip-toeing towards the bush that DURAN had buried the SMILING (=D) DILDO under. She quickly hoofs at the ground to uncover SMILING (=D) DILDO, grabs the sex toy with her teeth, and turns to flee. MASSIVE FLOODLIGHTS are suddenly turned on, all pointing at the rose bush and illuminating the NINJA.]
FUMI: [Wearing a nightgown and holding a flashlight as she pushes MASHIROU in the wheelchair] You were right, Mashirou-sama! The culprit did come back!
MASHIROU: Halt! Who goes there?! You can't hide! We've caught you red-handed!
[The MASSIVE FLOODLIGHTS have illuminated the form of a shocked and horrified HARUKOW, wearing an ill-fitting black ninja outfit she's clearly swiped from AKIRA over her hide. She drops the SMILING (=D) DILDO in shock from her mouth.]
MASHIROU: ...
FUMI: Perhaps that's red-hooved?
[Suddenly, HARUKA slides onto the scene wearing her ruffle-ly nightgown and a whole schwack-load of bows in her hair, and indignantly smashes HARUKOW into the stratosphere with a GIANT PAPER HALISEN.]
HARUKA: Oh like HELL you're pinning that one on me!
OMAKE III: Yay for the Mai-Hime Style Preview
[NAO's voice can be heard voicing over a series of fast paced clips edited together very confusingly and with deliberate misrepresentation so brazen the AUTHOR should be ashamed of HERSELF but totally isn't HAHA!]
NAO: Oh, why the hell are we even doing these if the author has no idea what's going to happen next?! This is clearly just an exercise in fluffing up the word count for this silly NaNoWriMo thing she's trying to do and is already cheating at on the first day!
NATSUKI: Well, if she has no idea what she's doing, then maybe she'll just go with whatever idea you give her?
NAO: Hmm... You might be onto something, Kuga. [NAO looks directly at the camera]. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Revolutions FuMooFu, in which I win the lottery and become a gazillionaire with hordes of scantily dressed men at my beck and call and for absolutely no reason at all, also have KUGA dressed in a slave-Leia outfit by my side.
NATSUKI: [Rolling eyes wildly] Oh, like THAT's really going to happen.
[The CAMERA coughs.]
NATSUKI: [Boggling] Wait, what?
[The CAMERA turns away from NATSUKI and NAO and tries to tiptoe away.]
NATSUKI: [Clearly perturbed tone in her voice] No, wait, come back! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?! Hey, come back! COME BACK!