CHAPTER 2

ZIMTASTIC ROMANCE

"Hiro, wait!"

The samurai in front of Zim paused. "Ando?"

The two of them conversed in Japanese for a while, and the one named Ando turned to Zim. In English: "You are . . . American?"

"Uh . . . yeah."

The one Ando called Hiro seemed to ask a question. Ando translated: "How did you get back to 1671 Kyoto?"

"What's a Kyoto?" Zim asked.

"A town in Japan."

"I'm in Japan?! Are there dinosaurs?"

Ando removed his helmet, revealing a skinny, befuddled man. "Dinosaurs? Godzilla is not real."

In a flash of realization Zim suddenly knew this guy was politely calling him a racist. "No, I don't mean Godzilla. I had this dream in which I was fighting a T-rex with a samurai sword. I think that's how I got here."

Ando blinked. "You dreamed yourself here?"

"Kind of. I wished I could get away from that Sylar dude, and he—"

"Sylar?" Hiro asked. "You . . . eh, know Sylar?"

"You both speak English?" Zim asked.

"I speak it better," Ando said. "He's just learning."

"What's the deal with this Sylar guy? He's kind of a dick."

"He cuts people's heads open," Ando said. "He steals their abilities."

"What's this nonsense about abilities?!" Zim yelled. "I'm tired of this crap! All I want to do is get some sleep!"

"There was an eclipse in our time," Ando said. "When it was done some of us had powers. Hiro can control time and space. It seems that you can do this, also."

"Weird," Zim said. "Usually I need a time machine to do that for me."

"Time machine?" Ando asked.

"It's a long story. So, when are you guys from?"

"2017."

"Hey, me, too! Awesome! How do we get back?"

"Something's wrong with Hiro. He can't get his power to work for some reason. Maybe you can get us back to where we belong."

"Gee, I don't know. I just wished myself here."

"Grab ahold of us," Ando said. "Then squeeze your eyes shut and make your head tremble." He demonstrated, and it looked like he was trying to push out a turd. "That's what Hiro does when he tries to affect time and space."

Zim shrugged. "I'll get it a shot." He grabbed both Hiro and Ando and pinched his eyes shut. Just as he was about to force his thoughts back to his bedroom, someone slapped his arm. He opened his eyes and saw Hiro shaking his head. "What do you mean, no?"

"Takezo Kensei," he said.

"What the fuck is that?" Zim asked.

"Hiro's hero," Ando said. "Hiro is trying to turn him from the village drunk to a national hero. That's him over there." He pointed.

Zim immediately ignored Kensei in favor of the woman standing next to him. She was easily the hottest chick he had ever seen, and his legs felt weak just knowing he was in her presence. How could she stand talking to the guy in all the stupid armor? Were they together? Should he hit on her? "Who is she?" he whispered to Ando.

"Yaeko. She is Kensei's lover, but only because Hiro has been performing heroic acts in his place. He is really an Englishman, but no one knows this because he never takes off his armor. He is also a filthy drunk not worthy of the legacy Hiro is building for him."

"Wait, she's fucking that guy?"

"In a word, yes."

"That sucks." Zim continued to watch her. There was no way he could just let her go. He had to do something about this. Then he remembered that he was only dressed in his boxers, and he let out a tremendous sigh. Besides, maybe it would be best to be drunk before hitting on her. That way he wouldn't be so nervous. "Do you have clothes I can wear?"

Ando said something to Hiro, who said something to someone else. Soon Zim was given rags. No stupid armor, thank God.

There was a roar from a nearby hill, and Zim whirled to see an army of heavily armed, heavily armored men charging down toward them. Everyone around him panicked and prepared to be attacked . . . except for Kensei, who quickly changed armor with Hiro. In that moment Zim saw that Hiro was a short, pudgy, sweaty Japanese man with super-thick glasses.

"Shit, Ando," Zim said. "Do you think I can get some of that armor? Something tells me I'll need it soon."

Ando put a katana blade into Zim's hand. "That's all I can give you."

Zim unsheathed it and saw it was exactly the same as the one in his dream. Which meant . . .

"Shit. I'm going to have to fight a dinosaur, aren't I?"

"Maybe," Ando said. "If I were you, I'd be more concerned with the advancing army."

"Oh," Zim said. Then, "Shit! Army! Let's get the fuck out of here!"

As the swords at the head of the charge clashed with armor and shield, and arrows thunked into the ground all around them, Zim and Ando screamed high-pitched girly cries and retreated even quicker than a drunken, staggering Takezo Kensei.