Author's Note: Thank you to those of you who gave feedback. ^_^ Here's part two!
Thalia: Ahh, it's good to be back in action, isn't it?
Eros: Yes, quite.
Psyche: Can I add some stuff in too?
Maybe in the later chapters, dearie. Right now it's humor and fluff. ^_~
CHARACTERIZATION RANT (just opinions, so don't get uppity):
Okay, let's get something cleared up, just for the record. I really am sick of all those Duo-inna-dress fics. I mean, it was cute the first couple times, but it got old fast. Especially because the cross-dressing archetype for Duo became more and more of a weakling uber-uke chick-man. Let me say this once: NONE OF THE G-BOYS ARE LIKE THAT.
The G-boys are ~boys~ and all of them act like it. Just because in yaoi fanfiction they are gay does not mean they are drag queens. Not to disparage cross-dressers, or anything. ^^;; But truly, not even Quatre is so blatantly... umm... sissified. ^^;; There is no foundation in the series or the OAV for any of these off-base characterizations where Duo is essentially a chick (mentally and emotionally, at least) with big weepy eyes and Heero is a super-seme god whom Duo must worship.
Don't get me wrong, 1x2 is great. Love it to death. But really, Duo isn't a complete uke type. Neither is Heero a complete seme type. They'd take turns, obviously. Each personality is too forceful ever to just give in, and the chemistry between the two is more that of competition than desperate needy obsessive love.
Just my humble opinion, of course. You all can form your own theories. Anywho, this fic is meant to poke fun at all those Duo-uke fics, and... um... ....Uh... What was I talking about? Oh, never mind. On with the fic! ^_^
DISCLAIMER: Don't own GW. So there. Nyah. :P Also, not quite as funny as the first one, but it's plot set-up. It'll get better in later parts. ^^;;
Chapter Two: Infiltration
Heero tried not to fidget self-consciously as the plump, stern-faced woman shuffled papers on her desk. He and Duo stood in the school office, a few feet in front of the large, mahogany monstrosity that the headmistress sat behind. The ride to the school had taken most of the afternoon, most of which Duo had spent coaching Heero on a suitable falsetto, and Heero had spent trying not to murder Duo and thereby endanger the mission. It had been a profound relief when they'd arrived at the huge university building. Though at the moment, he was finding the shuffling and tapping of papers as annoying as Duo's constant "well-meaning" advice on how to act more like a girl.
* If only I could have found a place in this skirt for my gun... * he thought wistfully.
"Ah, you two must be Mr. Yuy and Ms. Maxwell," the woman declared after a long while. "Welcome to R.U.F. I am Madam Gulverson, the Headmistress of this school. Did you have a good trip?"
"Uh-huh," Duo said with boyish smile.
"You mean, 'Yes, Madam Gulverson,'" the Headmistress corrected imperiously. "We are always polite, Mr. Yuy."
"Yes, Madam Gulverson," Duo replied, almost serious, but Heero could hear the mocking tone underlying the phrase.
* Baka. He's going to get in trouble right off the bat. *
Fortunately, the Madam didn't seem to notice and nodded in satisfaction. "Very good, Mr. Yuy. But I have been going over both of your files. What I have seen I do not like one bit. I'm giving you two only one warning. None of that nonsense you pulled at your previous school will be tolerated here. We will not be so lenient as to merely expel you."
"I understand, Madam Gulverson," Duo replied, still grinning.
She stared coolly at him for a moment before she transferred her gaze to Heero, whom she looked up and down. The miserable pilot set his jaw and looked back sullenly. Duo glanced at him sidelong. Heero ignored him, vowing to exact his revenge later.
"Ms. Maxwell, you've been very quiet. Have you any questions you'd like to ask?"
"No, Madam Gulverson," Heero replied in his practiced girl's voice. Duo had called it a lower contralto, and had been adamant that Heero not try for a soprano. Heero hadn't been so inclined in the first place, but that didn't stop his bossy partner.
"Very well. You may go out into the reception room to wait for your respective student guides. They'll accompany you to your classes and meals for the first three days, show you the ropes, that sort of thing. Your luggage has been taken up to your rooms from the taxi. If you're missing anything, let your Resident Advisor know. Your R.A. will also have all your schedules, room assignments, et cetera. You're excused," she said.
As she'd spoken, she'd gotten out of her chair and backed them out of her office. The door shut in their faces. The two boys exchanged a glance. Duo grinned.
"That went well," he said cheerfully. He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I'd watch my back if I were you, though. It looked like she was checking you out."
"~Nani?~" Heero hissed back in disbelief.
A cough sounded behind them. Duo yelped and dove to hide behind Heero as the Japanese boy whirled around. In the middle of the waiting room stood a tall, handsome boy with red hair and freckles. He smiled, taking his hands out of his uniform pants.
"Who're - " Heero began in his normal voice, but cut off when Duo elbowed him. He winced, though at his lapse and not from pain. He coughed unconvincingly before going on in his girl voice. "Who're you?"
"Hi there. I'm James Mordell. I'm here to be Duo Yuy's student guide...?" he trailed off, peering over Heero's shoulder.
"Huh?" Duo muttered, and realized that he was still cowering behind his partner. He sidled out and grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of his head with one hand. "Eheheh... Sorry 'bout that. You startled me. I'm Duo Yuy. Nice ta meetcha, James."
Jim took Duo proffered right hand and shook it. "Call me Jim."
"Okay, Jim. You can call me Mr. Yuy," Duo replied, drawing himself up to gaze down his nose in a near-perfect imitation of the Madam.
Jim chuckled, but glanced warily at the door over Duo's shoulder. Then he flicked his gaze to Heero. His amused smile turned flirty as he looked Heero over.
"I don't think we've been introduced," Jim said, coming to stand in front of the Japanese boy, his hand extended.
"I"m Heero. Heero Maxwell," Heero told him awkwardly, not wanting to shake the freckled boy's hand. He never shook hands with anyone. Jim, though, had other ideas, and caught Heero's fingers and brought them to his lips for a kiss. Heero felt his eyes widen and he jerked his hand away.
Heero and Duo both turned beet-red, the former from humiliation and the latter from holding in peals of laughter.
* IamgoingtokillDuoIamgoingtokillDuoIamgoingtoKILLDuo * Heero thought violently.
"Welcome to R.U.F.fie, Heero. We've got lots of pretty girls here; you'll fit right in," Jim said smoothly.
"Whoa, there, Jimmy-boy," said a new girl as she came into the room. "It's really not fair for you to turn on the charm before the girl gets settled."
The girl glided her graceful way over to Jim, who grinned playfully at her. She smiled back. She had very straight white teeth, and glistening black hair falling free around her shoulders. Her caramel-colored skin didn't go very well with the bright yellow and blue of the uniform, but she was stunning nonetheless. All three boys stared at her as she gently shoved Jim aside and looked down on Heero from her 5'9" frame.
"Hi. You must be Heero. I'm Lucy Dawn. I'm your student guide," she said, putting a friendly arm around Heero's shoulders.
Heero did ~not~ like to be touched, and fumed that he couldn't be his normal antisocial self and shrug her off. Duo had said they needed to get onto the social scene to find their informant, and Heero knew an 'in' when he saw one. If Lucy wasn't the queen of the school, then he would eat his gundam. He gritted his teeth and glared at Duo, who looked about to have an aneurysm.
"Don't mind that lech over there," Lucy said, jerking her head in Jim's direction. "He's all talk. Let's leave him and his assignment alone and see if he gets on with ~him~ as well as with you."
"What? Are you insinuating something, Lucy-chan?" Jim asked, mock offended.
Lucy laughed. It was a pleasant sound, but it grated on Heero's nerves even so.
"C'mon, Hee-chan," Lucy said, guiding the boy from the room.
"See ya later, ~Hee-chan~!" Duo called after him.
Heero nerve-throbbed.
Chapter Three: Girl Talk
Lucy indeed proved to be the bubbly, happy, and unintelligent princess of the school that Heero pegged her as. She introduced him to all the girls in her clique, not that he could remember all their names or match them to a face, and then took him on an extended tour of the school, grounds, and girls' dorms. While the information this provided was useful, Heero found his guide, and her entourage of fifteen or so girls even more bubbly and happy than she, insufferable. Hell, he'd rather talk to ~Duo~ than to them.
"So, Hee-chan," began one of the generic females, "What was it like at your old school?"
"It... wasn't bad," he replied. None of the girls seemed to notice his hesitancy, or if they did they merely put it down to shyness.
"Did you have a ~boyfriend~?" Lucy asked.
"No!" Heero said quickly, then realized that this vehement denial might be interpreted as suspicious. "I mean, uh... No, of course not."
"Oooooh!" chorused about half the girls.
"You know what that means!" an anonymous voice declared.
"So, who was he, Hee-chan?"
"Was he sexy?"
"Was he rich?"
"Did you break up?"
"Was it that guy you showed up with?" Lucy asked.
"Nani?!" Heero cried, barely remembering to keep his girl voice in his surprise.
"Oooooooh!"
"You know what that means!"
"Are you still going out?"
"Does he kiss good?"
"How far have you let him get?"
"We ~never~ went out to begin with!" Heero insisted, but he had the sinking feeling that it was doing very little good.
"Ooooooh!"
"You know what that means!"
After another few group "ooooh"s, they finally drifted onto the subject of their own beaus, for which Heero was profoundly relieved. The idea, however natural it may have seemed to the girls, that he and Duo were "boyfriend and girlfriend" was just... weird. Awkward. So he didn't think about it, and listened instead as Lucy talked loudly in his ear about her ongoing romance with the captain of the football team. It was annoying, of course, but he ~had~ been living with Duo, after all. Anything else paled in comparison.
A sudden thought struck him.
"Where are we going?" he asked Lucy. They'd been walking for the past hour or so with no particular destination, and it was starting to bug him. He wanted to leave, even if it meant jeopardizing their chances of finding the informant. If he spent one more minute with these ditzes, he would be forced to kill them all.
"The cafeteria," the girl responded. "It's dinner time in about fifteen minutes. Her Highness Madam Gulverson insists that we are always punctual."
Heero noted her tone. It was the first time he'd heard her be sarcastic. The girl wasn't a completely good-hearted bit of fluff. The pilot found this strangely comforting.
"Hey, we'll finally get to see the new guy then!" one of the feminine multitude realized aloud.
"He might be a dog," another put in uncharitably.
"He's not," Lucy said. She nudged Heero with an elbow. "Right, Heero-chan?"
"Uh... right..." Heero agreed, thinking it was the easiest way to get them to stop bugging him.
"Right, ~what~, Hee-chan?" asked a familiar voice said from nearby.
Heero's head snapped up and spotted Duo and a large group of boys headed their way from a hallway to the left. Duo had apparently become very popular. He grinned at Heero, who glowered back and crossed his arms over his fake breasts.
"Nothing," Heero said tonelessly.
"Heero-chan was just agreeing with me that you're not a dog," Lucy said.
The girls and guys all giggled as Heero felt the blush he'd been struggling with break through. Duo smirked and raised an eyebrow at him. He glared defiantly and raised one shoulder in a dismissive gesture.
"Glad to hear it," Duo said, then mock bowed, offering his elbow to Heero. In an affected courtly tone he asked, "My lady, may I escort you to dinner?"
The mass of their peers tittered with laughter again. Heero stood dumbfounded for a minute. Then he realized it was just another one of Duo's ploys to embarrass him. He straightened his back and his shoulders, oblivious to the way this made his falsies more prominent. The male audience was suddenly drooling. But Heero was oblivious of that as well, having a staring contest with his supposed trustworthy partner.
"C'mon. I need to talk to you," Duo cajoled, which made everyone start whispering speculatively.
* IwillkillhimIwillkillhimIwillkillhim * was the current litany in his mind. But he caught the message. Duo had found out something and needed him to know. * But I will give him a taste of his own medicine. *
"Hai," he agreed, then stepped forward to slide his arm through Duo's.
"OOOOOOooooooooohhh!" chorused the whole mob of teenagers.
"Hee-chan and Duo, sittin' inna tree!" came a raucous male cat-call.
"Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye En Gee!" a group of girls added.
"Aw, knock it off, you guys," Duo called over his shoulder as he and Heero began to walk away from the group.
"Do you know where you're going?" Heero asked quietly, feeling odd about the whole situation as it was.
"Heero, look who you're asking. Have you ever known me ~not~ to make it a point to find the food first?"
"Hn. Baka."
"Yeah, I know. Have you found her yet?" Duo asked.
"No. Have you been contacted?"
"No. I've been busy with finding the underground party scene," Duo answered. "It's pretty big here. If what these guys have all been telling me is true, most of the school is involved in them. We're both invited to the next party. I think we should go."
"Why is that necessary? The informant should know who we are. It should be easy for her to contact us. I don't understand the need to go through all this trouble to find ~her~."
"You don't get it. It would look really suspicious if the chick just came and found us. I think she must be pretty new here, too, or else she'd be as braindead as all these people. I bet she's in one of the less accepted cliques, and is waiting for the right time to make her move. And what better time to do it than at a huge gathering where no one knows where everyone is, who they're with, or what they're doing?" Duo explained quietly. "The party is the best time to do something and have it go unnoticed."
Heero frowned deeply. He liked this whole situation less and less.
"All right. I only have one thing to say, then."
"What's that?"
"This information had better be pretty damn valuable."
Duo threw his head back and laughed.
"But you know something? You're pretty popular with the guys, Heero," Duo said slyly.
"Shut up, Duo. Or you won't need to ~fake~ a falsetto."
Duo chortled at this. "Look, I'm just warning you. This way, if you get hit on, it won't be a surprise. Though I'm hoping the guys'll back off now."
"Why's that?" Heero asked suspiciously, hoping the reason wasn't what he thought it was.
"Well, when they see me and "Hee-chan,"as you're affectionately known, together, they'll think we're a couple," Duo replied calmly.
"I've just spent the entire afternoon denying that," Heero said flatly, his fears confirmed. He didn't even want to think of the ramifications of upholding such a charade.
"Look, I'm doing you a favor. Unless you actually ~wanted~ the attentions of those morons back there," Duo said with a derisive snort.
"I don't need any favors from ~you,~ Duo. You're the one that got me into this," Heero snapped.
"Yeah, I know. It's fun watching you squirm," Duo confided deviously as they entered the brightly lit cafeteria.
The only thing that saved Duo from a mean right hook was Lucy suddenly glomping onto Heero's other arm.
"Heeeee-chaaaan! Come sit with meeeeee!"
"Talk to you later, Hee-chan," Duo said, releasing him. He gave the braided boy his most withering glare as Lucy dragged him off to a table full of idiot girls.
* Grrrrrr........ * thought Heero as he undressed in his room that night. (Fortunately, he'd had the presence of mind to alter the school mainframe so he'd get the only single room on the floor he was staying on. This would make things a bit more simple.) He picked the butterfly clips from his hair and ran his fingers through the crispy strands, trying to make it go back to normal. After a while he gave up.
He was very glad of a little privacy and silence. At least here he could lock the door and unwind by putting on his good old pair of spandex shorts and his green tank top. He'd had to pack them in a seperate duffle bag and, in turn, hide it inside another duffle bag to keep Duo from confiscating them. The boy was dead set and determined that Heero not have ~any~ normal clothes for the duration of the mission.
* But * thought Heero smugly as he unzipped the small duffle bag * I've outsmarted him this time. *
The duffle opened, and Heero froze. A single tiny fly buzzed out of it. Desperately, Heero picked up the bag and shook it upside-down. A bit of paper was all that fell from it. Heero dropped the bag and snatched the paper from the air before it floated to bed.
It read:
"Naughty, naughty! That's cheating, Hee-chan! You have to find a better place to hide things.
Yours truly,
Duo"
Heero shredded it into tiny little bits, pretending it was Duo's face.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Bwahaha! ^_^ I Luuuuuuv bein' evil! Just for future reference, most of the dialogue of the girls was taken from RL conversations I've overheard on school busses, in study halls, and at basketball games. I kid you not.
Psyche: Frightening, isn't it?
Eros: ::shivers:: Quite.
Thalia: REEEEEEVVVIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!
Thalia: Ahh, it's good to be back in action, isn't it?
Eros: Yes, quite.
Psyche: Can I add some stuff in too?
Maybe in the later chapters, dearie. Right now it's humor and fluff. ^_~
CHARACTERIZATION RANT (just opinions, so don't get uppity):
Okay, let's get something cleared up, just for the record. I really am sick of all those Duo-inna-dress fics. I mean, it was cute the first couple times, but it got old fast. Especially because the cross-dressing archetype for Duo became more and more of a weakling uber-uke chick-man. Let me say this once: NONE OF THE G-BOYS ARE LIKE THAT.
The G-boys are ~boys~ and all of them act like it. Just because in yaoi fanfiction they are gay does not mean they are drag queens. Not to disparage cross-dressers, or anything. ^^;; But truly, not even Quatre is so blatantly... umm... sissified. ^^;; There is no foundation in the series or the OAV for any of these off-base characterizations where Duo is essentially a chick (mentally and emotionally, at least) with big weepy eyes and Heero is a super-seme god whom Duo must worship.
Don't get me wrong, 1x2 is great. Love it to death. But really, Duo isn't a complete uke type. Neither is Heero a complete seme type. They'd take turns, obviously. Each personality is too forceful ever to just give in, and the chemistry between the two is more that of competition than desperate needy obsessive love.
Just my humble opinion, of course. You all can form your own theories. Anywho, this fic is meant to poke fun at all those Duo-uke fics, and... um... ....Uh... What was I talking about? Oh, never mind. On with the fic! ^_^
DISCLAIMER: Don't own GW. So there. Nyah. :P Also, not quite as funny as the first one, but it's plot set-up. It'll get better in later parts. ^^;;
Chapter Two: Infiltration
Heero tried not to fidget self-consciously as the plump, stern-faced woman shuffled papers on her desk. He and Duo stood in the school office, a few feet in front of the large, mahogany monstrosity that the headmistress sat behind. The ride to the school had taken most of the afternoon, most of which Duo had spent coaching Heero on a suitable falsetto, and Heero had spent trying not to murder Duo and thereby endanger the mission. It had been a profound relief when they'd arrived at the huge university building. Though at the moment, he was finding the shuffling and tapping of papers as annoying as Duo's constant "well-meaning" advice on how to act more like a girl.
* If only I could have found a place in this skirt for my gun... * he thought wistfully.
"Ah, you two must be Mr. Yuy and Ms. Maxwell," the woman declared after a long while. "Welcome to R.U.F. I am Madam Gulverson, the Headmistress of this school. Did you have a good trip?"
"Uh-huh," Duo said with boyish smile.
"You mean, 'Yes, Madam Gulverson,'" the Headmistress corrected imperiously. "We are always polite, Mr. Yuy."
"Yes, Madam Gulverson," Duo replied, almost serious, but Heero could hear the mocking tone underlying the phrase.
* Baka. He's going to get in trouble right off the bat. *
Fortunately, the Madam didn't seem to notice and nodded in satisfaction. "Very good, Mr. Yuy. But I have been going over both of your files. What I have seen I do not like one bit. I'm giving you two only one warning. None of that nonsense you pulled at your previous school will be tolerated here. We will not be so lenient as to merely expel you."
"I understand, Madam Gulverson," Duo replied, still grinning.
She stared coolly at him for a moment before she transferred her gaze to Heero, whom she looked up and down. The miserable pilot set his jaw and looked back sullenly. Duo glanced at him sidelong. Heero ignored him, vowing to exact his revenge later.
"Ms. Maxwell, you've been very quiet. Have you any questions you'd like to ask?"
"No, Madam Gulverson," Heero replied in his practiced girl's voice. Duo had called it a lower contralto, and had been adamant that Heero not try for a soprano. Heero hadn't been so inclined in the first place, but that didn't stop his bossy partner.
"Very well. You may go out into the reception room to wait for your respective student guides. They'll accompany you to your classes and meals for the first three days, show you the ropes, that sort of thing. Your luggage has been taken up to your rooms from the taxi. If you're missing anything, let your Resident Advisor know. Your R.A. will also have all your schedules, room assignments, et cetera. You're excused," she said.
As she'd spoken, she'd gotten out of her chair and backed them out of her office. The door shut in their faces. The two boys exchanged a glance. Duo grinned.
"That went well," he said cheerfully. He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I'd watch my back if I were you, though. It looked like she was checking you out."
"~Nani?~" Heero hissed back in disbelief.
A cough sounded behind them. Duo yelped and dove to hide behind Heero as the Japanese boy whirled around. In the middle of the waiting room stood a tall, handsome boy with red hair and freckles. He smiled, taking his hands out of his uniform pants.
"Who're - " Heero began in his normal voice, but cut off when Duo elbowed him. He winced, though at his lapse and not from pain. He coughed unconvincingly before going on in his girl voice. "Who're you?"
"Hi there. I'm James Mordell. I'm here to be Duo Yuy's student guide...?" he trailed off, peering over Heero's shoulder.
"Huh?" Duo muttered, and realized that he was still cowering behind his partner. He sidled out and grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of his head with one hand. "Eheheh... Sorry 'bout that. You startled me. I'm Duo Yuy. Nice ta meetcha, James."
Jim took Duo proffered right hand and shook it. "Call me Jim."
"Okay, Jim. You can call me Mr. Yuy," Duo replied, drawing himself up to gaze down his nose in a near-perfect imitation of the Madam.
Jim chuckled, but glanced warily at the door over Duo's shoulder. Then he flicked his gaze to Heero. His amused smile turned flirty as he looked Heero over.
"I don't think we've been introduced," Jim said, coming to stand in front of the Japanese boy, his hand extended.
"I"m Heero. Heero Maxwell," Heero told him awkwardly, not wanting to shake the freckled boy's hand. He never shook hands with anyone. Jim, though, had other ideas, and caught Heero's fingers and brought them to his lips for a kiss. Heero felt his eyes widen and he jerked his hand away.
Heero and Duo both turned beet-red, the former from humiliation and the latter from holding in peals of laughter.
* IamgoingtokillDuoIamgoingtokillDuoIamgoingtoKILLDuo * Heero thought violently.
"Welcome to R.U.F.fie, Heero. We've got lots of pretty girls here; you'll fit right in," Jim said smoothly.
"Whoa, there, Jimmy-boy," said a new girl as she came into the room. "It's really not fair for you to turn on the charm before the girl gets settled."
The girl glided her graceful way over to Jim, who grinned playfully at her. She smiled back. She had very straight white teeth, and glistening black hair falling free around her shoulders. Her caramel-colored skin didn't go very well with the bright yellow and blue of the uniform, but she was stunning nonetheless. All three boys stared at her as she gently shoved Jim aside and looked down on Heero from her 5'9" frame.
"Hi. You must be Heero. I'm Lucy Dawn. I'm your student guide," she said, putting a friendly arm around Heero's shoulders.
Heero did ~not~ like to be touched, and fumed that he couldn't be his normal antisocial self and shrug her off. Duo had said they needed to get onto the social scene to find their informant, and Heero knew an 'in' when he saw one. If Lucy wasn't the queen of the school, then he would eat his gundam. He gritted his teeth and glared at Duo, who looked about to have an aneurysm.
"Don't mind that lech over there," Lucy said, jerking her head in Jim's direction. "He's all talk. Let's leave him and his assignment alone and see if he gets on with ~him~ as well as with you."
"What? Are you insinuating something, Lucy-chan?" Jim asked, mock offended.
Lucy laughed. It was a pleasant sound, but it grated on Heero's nerves even so.
"C'mon, Hee-chan," Lucy said, guiding the boy from the room.
"See ya later, ~Hee-chan~!" Duo called after him.
Heero nerve-throbbed.
Chapter Three: Girl Talk
Lucy indeed proved to be the bubbly, happy, and unintelligent princess of the school that Heero pegged her as. She introduced him to all the girls in her clique, not that he could remember all their names or match them to a face, and then took him on an extended tour of the school, grounds, and girls' dorms. While the information this provided was useful, Heero found his guide, and her entourage of fifteen or so girls even more bubbly and happy than she, insufferable. Hell, he'd rather talk to ~Duo~ than to them.
"So, Hee-chan," began one of the generic females, "What was it like at your old school?"
"It... wasn't bad," he replied. None of the girls seemed to notice his hesitancy, or if they did they merely put it down to shyness.
"Did you have a ~boyfriend~?" Lucy asked.
"No!" Heero said quickly, then realized that this vehement denial might be interpreted as suspicious. "I mean, uh... No, of course not."
"Oooooh!" chorused about half the girls.
"You know what that means!" an anonymous voice declared.
"So, who was he, Hee-chan?"
"Was he sexy?"
"Was he rich?"
"Did you break up?"
"Was it that guy you showed up with?" Lucy asked.
"Nani?!" Heero cried, barely remembering to keep his girl voice in his surprise.
"Oooooooh!"
"You know what that means!"
"Are you still going out?"
"Does he kiss good?"
"How far have you let him get?"
"We ~never~ went out to begin with!" Heero insisted, but he had the sinking feeling that it was doing very little good.
"Ooooooh!"
"You know what that means!"
After another few group "ooooh"s, they finally drifted onto the subject of their own beaus, for which Heero was profoundly relieved. The idea, however natural it may have seemed to the girls, that he and Duo were "boyfriend and girlfriend" was just... weird. Awkward. So he didn't think about it, and listened instead as Lucy talked loudly in his ear about her ongoing romance with the captain of the football team. It was annoying, of course, but he ~had~ been living with Duo, after all. Anything else paled in comparison.
A sudden thought struck him.
"Where are we going?" he asked Lucy. They'd been walking for the past hour or so with no particular destination, and it was starting to bug him. He wanted to leave, even if it meant jeopardizing their chances of finding the informant. If he spent one more minute with these ditzes, he would be forced to kill them all.
"The cafeteria," the girl responded. "It's dinner time in about fifteen minutes. Her Highness Madam Gulverson insists that we are always punctual."
Heero noted her tone. It was the first time he'd heard her be sarcastic. The girl wasn't a completely good-hearted bit of fluff. The pilot found this strangely comforting.
"Hey, we'll finally get to see the new guy then!" one of the feminine multitude realized aloud.
"He might be a dog," another put in uncharitably.
"He's not," Lucy said. She nudged Heero with an elbow. "Right, Heero-chan?"
"Uh... right..." Heero agreed, thinking it was the easiest way to get them to stop bugging him.
"Right, ~what~, Hee-chan?" asked a familiar voice said from nearby.
Heero's head snapped up and spotted Duo and a large group of boys headed their way from a hallway to the left. Duo had apparently become very popular. He grinned at Heero, who glowered back and crossed his arms over his fake breasts.
"Nothing," Heero said tonelessly.
"Heero-chan was just agreeing with me that you're not a dog," Lucy said.
The girls and guys all giggled as Heero felt the blush he'd been struggling with break through. Duo smirked and raised an eyebrow at him. He glared defiantly and raised one shoulder in a dismissive gesture.
"Glad to hear it," Duo said, then mock bowed, offering his elbow to Heero. In an affected courtly tone he asked, "My lady, may I escort you to dinner?"
The mass of their peers tittered with laughter again. Heero stood dumbfounded for a minute. Then he realized it was just another one of Duo's ploys to embarrass him. He straightened his back and his shoulders, oblivious to the way this made his falsies more prominent. The male audience was suddenly drooling. But Heero was oblivious of that as well, having a staring contest with his supposed trustworthy partner.
"C'mon. I need to talk to you," Duo cajoled, which made everyone start whispering speculatively.
* IwillkillhimIwillkillhimIwillkillhim * was the current litany in his mind. But he caught the message. Duo had found out something and needed him to know. * But I will give him a taste of his own medicine. *
"Hai," he agreed, then stepped forward to slide his arm through Duo's.
"OOOOOOooooooooohhh!" chorused the whole mob of teenagers.
"Hee-chan and Duo, sittin' inna tree!" came a raucous male cat-call.
"Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye En Gee!" a group of girls added.
"Aw, knock it off, you guys," Duo called over his shoulder as he and Heero began to walk away from the group.
"Do you know where you're going?" Heero asked quietly, feeling odd about the whole situation as it was.
"Heero, look who you're asking. Have you ever known me ~not~ to make it a point to find the food first?"
"Hn. Baka."
"Yeah, I know. Have you found her yet?" Duo asked.
"No. Have you been contacted?"
"No. I've been busy with finding the underground party scene," Duo answered. "It's pretty big here. If what these guys have all been telling me is true, most of the school is involved in them. We're both invited to the next party. I think we should go."
"Why is that necessary? The informant should know who we are. It should be easy for her to contact us. I don't understand the need to go through all this trouble to find ~her~."
"You don't get it. It would look really suspicious if the chick just came and found us. I think she must be pretty new here, too, or else she'd be as braindead as all these people. I bet she's in one of the less accepted cliques, and is waiting for the right time to make her move. And what better time to do it than at a huge gathering where no one knows where everyone is, who they're with, or what they're doing?" Duo explained quietly. "The party is the best time to do something and have it go unnoticed."
Heero frowned deeply. He liked this whole situation less and less.
"All right. I only have one thing to say, then."
"What's that?"
"This information had better be pretty damn valuable."
Duo threw his head back and laughed.
"But you know something? You're pretty popular with the guys, Heero," Duo said slyly.
"Shut up, Duo. Or you won't need to ~fake~ a falsetto."
Duo chortled at this. "Look, I'm just warning you. This way, if you get hit on, it won't be a surprise. Though I'm hoping the guys'll back off now."
"Why's that?" Heero asked suspiciously, hoping the reason wasn't what he thought it was.
"Well, when they see me and "Hee-chan,"as you're affectionately known, together, they'll think we're a couple," Duo replied calmly.
"I've just spent the entire afternoon denying that," Heero said flatly, his fears confirmed. He didn't even want to think of the ramifications of upholding such a charade.
"Look, I'm doing you a favor. Unless you actually ~wanted~ the attentions of those morons back there," Duo said with a derisive snort.
"I don't need any favors from ~you,~ Duo. You're the one that got me into this," Heero snapped.
"Yeah, I know. It's fun watching you squirm," Duo confided deviously as they entered the brightly lit cafeteria.
The only thing that saved Duo from a mean right hook was Lucy suddenly glomping onto Heero's other arm.
"Heeeee-chaaaan! Come sit with meeeeee!"
"Talk to you later, Hee-chan," Duo said, releasing him. He gave the braided boy his most withering glare as Lucy dragged him off to a table full of idiot girls.
* Grrrrrr........ * thought Heero as he undressed in his room that night. (Fortunately, he'd had the presence of mind to alter the school mainframe so he'd get the only single room on the floor he was staying on. This would make things a bit more simple.) He picked the butterfly clips from his hair and ran his fingers through the crispy strands, trying to make it go back to normal. After a while he gave up.
He was very glad of a little privacy and silence. At least here he could lock the door and unwind by putting on his good old pair of spandex shorts and his green tank top. He'd had to pack them in a seperate duffle bag and, in turn, hide it inside another duffle bag to keep Duo from confiscating them. The boy was dead set and determined that Heero not have ~any~ normal clothes for the duration of the mission.
* But * thought Heero smugly as he unzipped the small duffle bag * I've outsmarted him this time. *
The duffle opened, and Heero froze. A single tiny fly buzzed out of it. Desperately, Heero picked up the bag and shook it upside-down. A bit of paper was all that fell from it. Heero dropped the bag and snatched the paper from the air before it floated to bed.
It read:
"Naughty, naughty! That's cheating, Hee-chan! You have to find a better place to hide things.
Yours truly,
Duo"
Heero shredded it into tiny little bits, pretending it was Duo's face.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Bwahaha! ^_^ I Luuuuuuv bein' evil! Just for future reference, most of the dialogue of the girls was taken from RL conversations I've overheard on school busses, in study halls, and at basketball games. I kid you not.
Psyche: Frightening, isn't it?
Eros: ::shivers:: Quite.
Thalia: REEEEEEVVVIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!