He's there when I open my eyes, the faceless man in grey, but only for a second. The clouds clear up and he turns into Clint, Clint with that look on his face that he gets when I'm lying in a hospital bed. But I'm not in a hospital bed, I'm in mine, and the lights are out and it's quiet.
White bandages are wrapped tightly around my arm and my stomach drops because I know what that means. It means it happened again.
"Clint," I whisper because my voice is hoarse and I feel like crying so I close my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I know," he says and I can feel the tired sadness in his voice all around me.
"Did I hurt anyone?"
"No." He sighs. "But you owe some people an explanation." I nod.
I'm sorry Tasha. That worried look is back in his eyes, the one I hate so much.
My hair flies in my face as I shake my head. You have nothing to be sorry for.
But I am because this happens to you and I can't stop it. He holds my hand and squeezes it.
I sit up slowly, ignoring the pounding in my head and pain in my knee. He doesn't say anything but keeps hold of my hand and I don't instigate conversation. We both know this is bad because I thought they had stopped; which is true, because before now they had.
The thought of what could have happened if he hadn't been there sends a shiver down my spine.
Bruce sits at the kitchen table, attempting to focus on the newspaper in front of him. It's hard though, with the whispering coming from the other end of the table. He is the least bothered by the events of the morning. He understands what it is like to have no control.
"Have you seen this?" Tony says, pointing to something on the tablet.
Steve looks around nervously. "Tony, we shouldn't be doing this. This is classified information."
"If it was really classified, SHIELD would have made it harder to access," is his response.
"They did make it hard to access!"
"Well, obviously not hard enough." He scrolls down the page, his eyes growing wider. "What year did she join SHIELD? 2000?"
"Tony…"
"I think it's 2000. Do you know how many times she was registered for therapy when she first joined? There has to be records for at least –"
"137." Comes a voice from across the room. All three men look up at the redhead leaning casually against the door frame. She walks slowly towards them but stops at the entrance to the kitchen, standing against the wall. "137 sessions for the first two years I worked there. There are several videos, if you would like to watch them. Don't let me stop you."
Tony looks at her for a second before nodding slightly and selecting one of the video files. Steve looks pointedly away from the screen as it starts, revealing several small machines in a white room with bright lights. It looks like an asylum cell, Tony notices. There's a bed along one wall with unbuckled restraints. A doctor stands near a corner, whispering something. He moves away and stands in front of one of the machine. The only indication that someone else is in the room is head of red curls, a girl who has tucked herself into a ball in the same corner. The doctor leaves the machine with something in his hand and returns to the corner.
"Get away!" the girl shrieks.
"Miss Romanoff, I'm trying to help you."
"No! Don't touch me!" she screams.
"Sir, this is never going to work," comes a voice from off the screen. Steve looks down at the screen as he recognizes Clint's voice and Bruce looks at Natasha, who is staring at the ceiling.
"Please explain why you think this, Agent Barton," Director Fury says.
"This is exactly the same thing she was trying to escape from when we found her. She's not going to cooperate if she thinks she's still in danger. She'll snap and kill someone before we get anything out of her," Clint replies.
There's a minute when nothing happens except for the girl's continued screaming. A door opens in the room and the black jacketed figure that enters dismisses the doctor. He sits down against the wall next to the girl, takes off his jacket and wraps it around her shoulders. She lifts her head and stares at him.
"You're safe here," Clint says.
"Please. Don't let them hurt me," the girl whispers. She sounds scared and vulnerable and innocent.
"I won't. Promise."
The screen goes black and Tony looks at Natasha. He wishes now that he hadn't watched the video, mentally cursing his curiosity. "Is that what happened this morning?"
Natasha shakes her head. "No. What happened this morning is worse. It's like a panic attack- relapse, Clint calls it."
"Relapse to what?"
"I don't know exactly. Something from the Red Room, back in Russia; the same thing that 137 therapy sessions were used to pull me out of."
"What's the Re –" Steve kicks Tony under the table to keep him from prying too far. He can tell this isn't something she wants to be talking about. "I mean, does it happen a lot?"
"It did at first, but this is the first time in three years."
"Is SHIELD doing anything to help you?"
He's met with silence that couldn't tell him more obviously that this is one of those secrets; that Director Fury is the last person who will ever know.