Chapter 2
Hearing we had been pulled through to an alien galaxy was certainly shocking, but neither the Imperial Guard, the xenos nor myself were prepared for just how different the galaxy we had come to was. As those who served in the Emperor's forces can attest, the mindset of the average human in Imperium is so radically different from that of humans in this galaxy, to the point that we might as well have been separate species. Only Commissar Ciaphas Cain kept his head in those first few hours, and his faith and leadership allowed me and my guardsmen and women to maintain the discipline and control that would see us through the darkness of the coming years. -Lord General Regina Kasteen
"Let me get this straight." I said, rubbing my temples. I had a horrible, throbbing headache. The nonsense this witch was spewing might not have been warp touched to try and frak up my brains, but it was certainly enough xeno filth to give any true servant of the Emperor (Or, in my case, someone who was very good at pretending he was one) a massive headache*.
*Cain wasn't alone, I myself was having a hard time understanding what the xeno was saying, though at least I understood most of her more technical explanations.
"You dragged this entire world through the warp to Emperor knows where, and now you expect us to all join hands and sing juvie songs together?"
"I do not feel the holding of hands or singing of songs would be prudent while the orks still roam this world, uel'ai, but in essence yes."
"What did you call him." Amberly snapped, her eyes wild. I was a bit surprised that the xeno calling me some sort of nasty name would get her rancor up after the blasphemous idiocy the witch had spouted for the last 10 minutes or so, but you never knew what the straw that broke the grox's back would be.
"Uel'ai. As are you, and even the Hidden One, Amberly." The xeno replied calmly.
I put a hand on Amberly's shoulder. "Relax, whatever foul word that means in her filthy tongue, I've been called worse by guardsmen in my own regiment." I said, trying to ease the tension.
Getting an inquisitor to back down from visiting righteous vengeance on a deserving xeno. There was something I hadn't seen myself doing in my wildest nightmares.
"It's not a slur, Ciaphas." She said hoarsely, and I could feel all the tension drain out of her. "It means 'valued one' or perhaps, 'worthy friend.' It's a term of friendship they reserve for members of other craftworlds they hold in high esteem."
"What?" I said skeptically. "You surely don't mean you think they are seriously trying to play nice now. They're eldar. They always have some scheme to try and damn the souls of the Emperor's faithful for all eternity."
Amberly turned to look at me then, and what I saw in her eyes made my veins turn to ice colder than a Vallahallan winter. It was acceptance, defeat. Not something I ever expected to see in one of the eyes of the Emperor's most devote servants, and certainly not Amberly's.*
* I confess that before that very moment, it was not something I would have ever considered myself doing before either.
"Cain, I think she's serious." Amberly said dully. "I think she might be telling the truth."
I was astonished, an inquisitor accusing a xeno of telling the truth without first the application of some well deserved Emperor's Truth was near heresy*.
*No, it was heresy.
I wondered if Amberly had been corrupted by the xeno's lies, and I would have to administer the Emperor's mercy* to her. It was not a pleasant thought, and my mind immediately began searching for a way around it. Having Amberly fall to heresy was going to be rather bad for my health, as any other Inquisitor who got their hands on me would naturally put me to question as well, certain I was just as tainted as her. That, and I was rather fond of her, as much as it pained me to admit it.
*I was actually half hoping Cain would take it upon himself to do just that. I didn't know if I could live in a world without the Emperor in a galaxy full of heretics and xenos. Being proved wrong was one of the most pleasant things to ever happened to me.
"You need not take my words on faith alone. If any of your ships remain in orbit, contact them and ask if they can locate the presence of your Emperor in the warp. His presence is something I would feel constantly if I were to draw upon the energies of the immaterium, but what little I have done since our journey is bare of his essence."
While I was certain the xeno's claims of separating us from the sheltering light of the Emperor were nothing more than the lies her kind constantly spewed, getting out of the ruins sounded excellent. At least orks didn't try and convince you to abandon the Emperor, they just shouted a lot and tried to kill you. Compared to the eldar, it would be almost refreshing.
"That sounds like an excellent idea Teela, why don't you let us go up to the surface and have a friendly chat with the Holy Fleet." I said, giving her my most winning smile.
She smiled back at me. "Of course, you are not prisoners here uel'ia. You may leave whenever you wish. I do council you though to not request an orbital bombardment on this location. Our own ships in orbit might take offense to such an action."
Emperor's bowels. This day just kept getting better and better. An eldar fleet in orbit? That was the surest recipe for disaster I could think of. Unless of course, what Teela was saying was true. Then we were all fraked to the warp and gone.
We trooped back up through the tunnels, and everywhere I saw eldar packing up as if getting ready to leave.
"Going on sabbatical witch?" I asked casually, probing for information*.
*Which shows Cain's naivety in dealing with the eldar, they do not speak unless they can gain some advantage over you.
"No, to settle. Until we map web ways and warp currents of the nearby systems, we are stranded on this planet. As such, we must begin agricultural efforts immediately. We have plenty of seeds and supplies, which we will be happy to share with your own people Ciaphas." Teela replied smoothly.
As I looked around, I felt my heart drop like a stone. Unless the eldar were pulling an elaborate charade, even for them*, that looked to be exactly what was going on. I saw what looked like farming equipment, containers of grain, and more eldar children and civilian's then I thought existed. To be fair, my experience with the xenos had mostly consisted of us trying to kill one another, but I hadn't thought there were so many of the little frakers.
*Actually, it wouldn't have been that elaborate if it was just the grain and farming equipment, they could conjure up that with a wave of their hands.
"Brought your whelps with you." I observed casually.
"Yes" Teela said, her voice full of grief. "Every craftworld gave us their children in this last, desperate gamble for survival. We believe it to be our last, best hope."
I snorted derisively. From what I knew of witches, she would have schemes with in schemes within plots enough to make the Lord of Change's head spin.
I felt Amberly's hand on my arm. "Cain, all these children... I didn't think with eldar fertility rates this many existed, and certainly not an a single craftworld. We cannot order the fleet to begin exterminatus, not until we find out what in the name of Terra is going on."
That, more than anything, an inquisitor agreeing with a xeno witch, made me begin to realize that the very foundations I had built my whole life on were about to collapse. Oh, the core of self preservation, egotism, and cowardly fear was still there, but the rock of the Imperial Guard, the Light of the Emperor, Holy Terra itself... Those all began to crumble away with frightening rapidity.
"Faith is my shield. The Emperor protects." I muttered, fingering my commissarial sash with one hand and making the sign of the aquila with the other to give myself strength I felt rapidly ebbing away.
What was I doing, walking among xenos and talking to them? I should be visiting the Emperor's swift justice upon them! But I felt that nagging doubt, and my world crumbled.
I glanced behind me and saw Jurgen fingering an Imperial Icon, his other hand clutching his melta, his lips moving as his eyes widened in terror. If good old solid Jurgen was worried, I was certain most others would have gone gibbering mad with terror long since.
And if we were removed from the Imperium, if all I knew was left behind, my entire reputation, all those stupid, brash gambles were going to have been for nothing. If we did not move quickly, the guard would lose moral and possibly give themselves over to the xenos plan, becoming forever lost to the Light of Mankind. I straightened, and found new purpose in my steps. I may have pretended to be a hero and tried to inspire others before, but now it was becoming obvious my very life was going to depend on the facade I had built up over the years. Hopefully its foundations were not as shaky as I feared.
We neared the exit, and I immediately voxxed the fleet. "This is Commissar Ciaphas Cain with Inquisitor Amberly Veil of Ordo Xenos calling the Holy Fleet in orbit around Terrgor Primus. Come in."
A desperate voice responded. "Thank the Emperor! We thought we had gone mad! What's happened Commissar? What in the blasted warp have those bloody xenos done to us?"
"Who is this?" I said, putting calm I did not feel into my voice. "What is your situation."
"Captain Sammath Druun of his Imperial Majesties Transport Ship Emperor's Wings, Imperial Navy sir. Half the bloody feet has just fraking disappeared. There was a warp storm, and when it cleared everything was fraked up, and Emperor alone knows where we are." The desperate voice answered.
"Captain Druun, can you transfer me to your senior officer?" I said, hoping I could get a hold of someone with a better grasp of the situation then this poor sod.
"I am the bloody senior officer! Er, Commissar Sir. The only thing that's left up here is a few PDF light frigates, the Victories Herald cruiser from the navy, a few civvy vessels and that rogue trader* the Inquisitor showed up in!"
*An unfortunate fact is that while not all rogue traders are inquisitors in disguise, a great many inquisitors are not bright enough to think up a more convincing legend.
"Actually, Captain," Amberly cut in, "The Lucre Foedis did not bring me. I arrived aboard the Externus Exterminatus, which is registered as Emperor's Luck in your log. Captain Orelius is just an acquaintance."
There was the sound of some yelling in the background then the voice, a bit calmer now, came back. "Of course Lady Inquisitor, I see your broadcasting on the inquisitorial band. What are your orders?"
Ah, good old military discipline. As long as there was someone in charge yelling orders, the grunts would happily keep going until the world ended. But force one of those grunts to think for himself, and he devolved into hysterics. Clever of the xenos.
"Can we send a ship for aid?" Amberly demanded.
The captain laughed hoarsely in reply. "My Lady, we do not even know where we are. Despite the star we orbit having much the same characteristics of Terrgor Solus, its emissions are completely different, and all the stars surrounding us match no known position*. And the warp around here is so bloody calm I don't think we could get anywhere even if our navigator hadn't had her bloody head explode when that warp storm hit us."
*We would later discover this was because in addition to changing universes, we traveled not just through space, but time as well, meaning all stars were in alien positions.
If my blood hadn't already felt like a brisk spring day on Vallhalla, I would have felt a chill down my spine. With no navigator aboard our only troop ship, the guard was well and truly trapped on Terrgor Primus.
"Thank you captain. Are there any eldar ships in the area?" Amberly asked carefully.
"To bloody right there are. They contacted us and offered a cease fire. I accepted, they don't appear to outnumber us, but were in such a bloody mess already I told them as long as they kept the frak away from us we weren't going to bother them." There was a pause, then an almost eager voice asked, "Shall we make an attack run Lady Inquisitor? I'm sure this whole mess is the xenos fault."
Amberly pinched her nose and I could tell she was struggling to keep the frustration out of her voice. "No, captain, for now play nice with the eldar. If they make any hostile moves, blow them out of the sky, but keep your distance and do not, I repeat, do not initiate hostiles. They have offered us an alliance, and at least until we straighten things out and the orks are dealt with, I see no reason to borrow more trouble."
"Aye aye ma'am. If we see any ork vessels, should we shoot those?"
I responded this time. "Captain, have you ever heard of the orks ever negotiating with anything other than shooting? "
There was a moment of silence, then, "No sir. We'll blow any of those green skins out of the sky."
"Good. Inquisitor Vail out." Amberly said, and cut the connection. She took in a deep breath and turned to Teela. "You appear to be telling the truth, Teela. I demand, here and now, you come clean with all your plans, or so help me I will see your people scourged from this planet if it's the last thing I do."
Teela had just finished confering her own people, and I think it was a testament to just how jarred she was that she looked vaguely worried, in an alien sort of way, herself.
"I had planned on deceiving you Inquisitor," She began.
"Don't try. I can smell it when witches lie." I growled, hoping my reputation would scare her just a little.
She stopped and started at me open mouthed for a minute, then burst out laughing. "After how grossly my plans have fallen apart today uel'ai, that would not surprise me. Very well then, the truth."
She pointed back at the ruins. "These are remains of a civilization unlike any we have ever seen before. The planet you call Terrgor primus appeared only 10,000 years ago, just as our race was falling and yours was rising. At first we dismissed it as simply an error in our records caused by the birth of She Who Thirsts, but upon further study we found ourselves mistaken. I will not lie to you, admitting my full plans or weakness to you sits poorly* with myself and my people, but even our foresight could not foretell just how successful our plans would be."
*The understatement of the millennium. One of the reasons I had been so willing to believe Teela was just how frank and vulnerable she wa sacting. She was trying to get us to trust her, partly to manipulate us, but also because she actually needed us to trust her. Most eldar would slit their own throats before they were candid with a "mon'keigh."
"That's nice." I snapped, my patience gone and my urge to simply kill the xeno and be done with it rising, "But what the frak WERE your plans?"
"Simply put, to go to a universe we could once again rule uncontested." Teela replied.
That, actually, made a bit of sense to me. The eldar were arrogant sods, even for xenos, and could make the finest of Imperial Nobility look downright humble. Them thinking they could scheme their way back to the place rightfully held by mankind sounded typical.
"We discovered whatever race had built these ruins came from another universe entirely. Their records showed they had traveled here, on this planet, then died. We believe they were wiped out when an ork Waaagh came through. This isy why when we began our excavations the ork population suddenly exploded on this planet. They were birthed by spores from the ruins*."
*Orks are fungoid in nature, scattering spores upon their death that can grow into another ravening ork mob. That after 10,000 years those spores could still have a resurgence shows you just how hard it is to get rid of orks permanently.
Of course. You could be the most snobby, arrogant, technologically masterful race in the galaxy, but none of that mattered when the green tide paid you a call, as the Emperor's servants had learned to their doom far too often.
"We realized this could be an opportunity to find a galaxy free of She Who Thirsts* and the... Other** races. But upon further contemplation we realized we would likely face threats such as the orks in whatever universe we emerged, and would need expendable soldiers and servants to provide manual labor. That, I regret to say, is the basis for our manipulations that brought you, your regiment, and the Inquisitor here Commissar."
*The eldar name for the chaos god of excess.
**At this point I am nearly certain Teela was going to say "Lesser" but changed her mind. A sign of the profound change the eldar would go through. They have not quite given up their treacherous, backstabbing ways yet, but they do seem to actually consider other races from time to time.
I shuddered involuntarily, and noticed Amberly looked sick* as well. The witch was being so open I now feared everything she had been telling me was the truth. She was admitting she had brought the guard along to use us, but that could be a plot to us to trust her so she could better manipulate us. I began to long for the simpler time when my conversations with xenos had consisted of us shooting at one another, and sadly not the last time I would think such thoughts.
*Realizing everything you love and know has been stripped from you will do that to a woman.
"Now however, things have changed. We thought to bring a mighty fleet, even an entire craftworld with us, but they appear to have been lost in the warp or simply did not make the transfer. I do not care to think how many of my brothers and sisters have perished in this venture, but there is still hope. This galaxy IS free of the taint of chaos, and it also appears to be completely free of any powerful warp using race. We cannot hope to succeed if we fight one another, but together we might be able to build a future for our respective peoples free from the terrors that plagued our own pasts."
Looking back, at this point I should have scooped Teela up in my arms, declared my undying love for her, and vowed eternal service. I really did not grasp how nice it could be to live in a universe where the enemy is a terribly obvious race of giant ships that have powers of mind control that would make necrons, tyranids, tainted eldar and especially the ruinous powers laugh themselves silly at how weak they were. Of course there was still the occasional hostile xeno race, but frankly, we brought the worse of the lot with us.*Of course, instead I drew my laze pistol and calmly said, "So explain to me why I should not simply shout, 'Suffer not the Witch to live,' and gun you down in the name of the Emperor right now. Sounds to me like you have made a fine mess of things."
*And as the eldar have ceaselessly tried to explain, it was never their intention to lose the orks on an unsuspecting galaxy. Personally, I like to think the prissy little xenos simply are not as smart as they like to think they are.
To my astonishment, and to be honest, to this day, I think it was the only gesture that could possibly have convinced me she was serious, she turned to her escort and said, "If he takes my life, do not seek vengeance. Ask for peace. Serve the uel'ai for a time if you must, but our people must endure, even if we must bear the yoke of servitude for a time." She then turned back to me. "If you demand my life for the pain I have caused your people, so be it. Only do not seek vengeance on all of the eldar, for many are innocent, and truely do want nothing but peace and new lives. Take my life as your price, then forge a new legacy for our peoples."
I stared at her for a moment, stunned. No witch, no matter how scheming, would ever imagine she owned a servant of the Emperor a life debt. I felt Amberly's arm on my hand. "Cain. Stand down. I hate to say it, but we are going to need them as much as they will need us."
She turned back to Teela, her blue eyes blazing in the fury I remember. "We will cooperate for now, witch. But if for one moment, for one second, I believe you have played us false again, our fleet will rain down fire and we shall not rest until this world has been purged of your filthy kind. You shall be allowed to serve so long as your lives serve Mankind and the Emperor. As soon as that service is fulfilled, your lives are forfeit."
"Very well. Let us go to your Command Center. Colonel Kasteen will want to learn her flanks are now secure." Teela declared.
"You can come. Alone. Any more is going to start a mutiny." I told her, putting away my laze pistol.
One of the nearby exarchs started and said something in her blasphemous language, which Amberly kindly translated for me.
"Farseer, do not go. All the others that walk the Path of the Seer have been destroyed by our journey, without you we will surely be lost. Do not let yourself be taken by the mon'keigh" The banshee exarch pleaded.
Teela shook her head and replied in gothic. "They are mon'keigh no longer. Our plans are shattered, and my brothers and sisters on the path of the seer were blinded by their own hubris* as was I. We did not realize just what the journey would entail, though we knew there were risks. We cannot have open war with both the uel'ai and the orks. If we do, we will be surely lost. The last hope of our people is here. We have escaped She Who Thirsts, but we have not emerged unscathed. On my signal, you will move to support the Imperial Guard. Do not close to firing range for either side to avoid... Accidents.**"
*Why the eldar thought they could control a massive warp storm that would deposite them in an alien universe is beyond me.
**Or, in the case of the guard, dispensing of the Emperor's justice.
We tromped through the ruins to where we had parked our chimera, and I called ahead to Sergeant Grifen.
"Sergeant, collar Magot* for a moment would you, and have your men stand down. We're bringing a... guest."
*As enthused with general violence, and especially with the destruction of the enemies of mankind, having Magot restrained when we brought the witch into view was likely a good idea.
There was a moments silence and a squeal of protest from Magot, then, "Alright sir, Magots playing nice, come on out." Sergeant Grifen called.
We stepped around the last wall into the view of the squad, and Teela raised her hands.
"I come in peace, as the captive of the Commisar. I mean you no harm."
The poor guardsmen* stared in shock for a moment, before Grifen let Magot go with a yelp and everyone pointed their guns at us.
*Or, more accurately, guardswomen and one guardsman.
"Sir, that's a witch with you." Grifen said calmly.
I sighed. "Yes. I know."
"Isn't the saying, Suffer Not the Witch to Live?" Magot growled, her lazegun trained on Teela.
Amberly stomped forward, flashing her inquisitorial seal. "Need I remind you I am the sworn Servant of the Emperor? For now, this witch needs live to better mankind. You shall not harm her until I tell you to. Is that clear, Corporal?" Her voice was sweet, but her eyes were blazing, and not even Magot was thickheaded enough to stand up to an inquisitor.
The ride back to the guards position was almost relaxing after spending so much time around the xenos, even with one cooped up in the tight space of the chimera with us and Jurgen driving. Everyone was very pointedly not looking at Teela as well as very carefully ensuring that their guns were pointed in her direction. The farseer had almost a meter*of space around her, and for once Jurgen had people crowded around his drivers position. Even his stench was at least familiarly human. We rode back in silence, uncomfortably glancing at one another.
*While those familiar with the design of the chimera might think this impossible, we managed.
In retrospect, I probably should have been impressed with the way Teela was handling herself, but at the time I just saw her as completely alien. Despite her isolation from her people, she remained calm and projected and air of authority and grace that we all found deeply disturbing. She had removed her helmet, and we could see her alien face, and I was not the only one trying hard to study her out of the corner of my eye. Despite myself, I had to admit she did have an air of exotic beauty that, if I was not careful, I knew could deceive me and destroy my soul for all eternity.
We finally arrived at the guards main encampment at the southern outskirts of the ruins, and were stopped by a grinning sergeant. "You made it back just in time Commissar, the orks are just starting their attack."
I did my best not to grimace. That was just what I needed, the orks throwing their own gauntlet into the fray was the last thing I wanted.
"Well, you boys try not to hog all the fun, I've just got to nip over to give the colonel my report, then we'll see about showing the orks what it means to attack the Imperial Guard." I said, striking a pose from the chimera's hatch. The troops cheers, and we motored on through. If only I had know the walking manifestation of frustration and brash action* that waited for me at the command center, I probably would have simply said frak it and gone to enjoy the attentions of the ork horde.
*As someone who has personally known Shepard, this isn't far off.
From the Journal of Commander Jane Shepard
Walking through the guard camp, I immediately began to realize they were no simple merc outfit. For one thing, they were too damn big. Even the Blue Suns would have had a hard time getting this much gear and men together. For another, they were all human. Every merc band I've come across has a few turians, batarians, krogan, asari, and salarians mixed in, even if they are mostly made up of one species. But there were absolutely no aliens what so ever. Admittedly I'm as pro human as the next non-crazy, but I did find it a little disturbing.
And last of course were the funky outfits and gear. Merc bands as a rule, even really well equipped ones like Eclipse, have a hodgepodge of gear and armor. Everyone I saw had basically the same kit, with a few specialists with heavy weapons. This was obviously an efficient, organize force. Their uniforms were all the same too, and pretty weird looking. They all had funny looking fur hats and big heavy coats, even though it was relatively warm on the planet's surface. They all gave me funny looks at first, but I just walked like an officer who was on a mission, and no one got in my way. Nice things about grunts in any military, if you act like you should be in command, they will mostly assume you should be too.
My mind was racing, and I was starting to wonder if they came from where ever this world was originally from, but before I could make up my mind we arrived at the command structure, a large tent with some weird banners with what looked like wax seals attaching parchment to it.
My escort saluted and said, "This is the command tent, ma'am."
I returned his salute and nodded. "Thank you sergeant. Head back to the front, I don't want those aliens crawling up our ass."
"Yes ma'am!" The sergeant said enthusiastically, and hurried back.
I put on my "talk to me and I'll eat your fucking head" face, and strode into the command tent, saluting the guards.
Wow. Whoever these people were, they liked it fucking COLD. Even in my envirosuit, I felt like I was walking into a freezer. Then I spotted the icicles. Christ, what the fuck was wrong with these people?
A striking redheaded woman was standing over a glowing map display with a balding man. Both had uniforms so fancy that I half wondered if they expected to be in a parade. I took a deep breath and strode over.
"You in command her?" I demanded, pointing at the woman, who had the fancier duds.
She turned and eyed me coolly. "I am Colonel Kasteen, in command of his Imperial Majesties Ground Forces on Terrgor Primus. Just who exactly are you?"
His Imperial what? The only Emperor I knew of was the one back on earth in Japan, and I didn't think these fuckers looked Japanese.
"I am Commander Shepard of the Systems Alliance Navy. And I want to know just how the fuck your goddamn planet ended up here." I snarled, doing my best to pull myself up as tall as I could. I'm not short, but neither was Kasteen, and I found myself trying hard not to admire her figure. For a military woman, she obviously took pretty good care of herself, and that said a lot about her. Either she was a prissy usless figurehead, or she made sure everything always was at its best, even her own body. One was a pain in the ass to deal with. The other was still a pain in the ass, but at least your gear was good.
"The what?" Kasteen said, her face darkening. "Who let you in here?" Then she paused and studied me for a moment. "Did you just ask how 'my' planet ended up here?"
"Your damn right I did, colonel." I said. I was going to have to play this carefully. As a colonel, she outranked me by a couple of grades at least, though as the Alliance didn't have that particular grade, it was a bit murky as to exactly how much. "My ship was following its standard patrol pattern when this whole damn world popped right the fuck out of nowhere. One of the bodies orbiting your planet took out half my ships engines and disabled our FTL capabilities, and now we're stranded here. So why don't you tell just what the fuck is going on?"
Kasteen turned to the other officer. "Major?"
"Sounds like a local Regina. That warp storm must have dropped us in another system and the local PDF forces are investigating." The balding major replied. He was a hard looking man with grey eyes and plenty of scars, obviously a combat veteran and not some prissy academy grad.
The colonel turned back to me. "What system are we now in, commander? I would like to contact PDF command, we must alert them to the presence of ork forces in their system."
"PD-what?" I said, "I don't think you heard me. I'm with the Systems Alliance. You know, the governing body of humanity in the galaxy? Where the fuck have you bumpkins been, I've never heard of any colonies with a goddamn emperor, and certainly not any that could field a force this large."
Kasteen stared at me for a second, then slowly said, "You deny knowledge of the Emperor? Surely your system is not full of heratics that deny the light of the Emperor and the soverenty of the Imperium of Man."
Somehow, her mention of the Imperium of man sounded halfway familiar, calling way back to my childhood on earth and a rundown shack I used to peddle drugs out of when I was a kid.
"Did... did you say the Imperium of Man? Like... God Emperor Imperium of man? Space Marines Imperium?"
Kasteen nodded slowly, her hand reaching for her weapon. "Indeed I did. Do the adaptus astartes have a chapter in this world?"
Dim memories were stirring, memories of sweaty, unwashed men I sold red sand to while they rolled dice on beaten up felt tables.
I touched my comm link. "Joker, have you ever heard of Warhammer?"
There was silence for a minute, then a slight cough. "Um, what commander?"
"God damn it joker, have you ever heard of Warhammer 30k?"
"It's, um, 40k ma'am. And yes." Joker said, confusion obvious in his voice. "If you don't mind me asking, what the fuck does that have to do with anything ma'am?"
Things were starting to click. Those skull motifs. The funky looking uniforms. The green skinned aliens.
I looked up at Kasteen. "Those green aliens, those are orks, aren't they."
She looked at me like I had gone mad. "What else would you call the green skins? Of course they are orks." Then she went for her weapon, almost as fast as I did. Nobody is faster than Commander Shepard. She looked at the barrel of my pistol for a moment, then gave me a sardonic grin.
"You don't seriously think you can get away with drawing a weapon on Colonel of the Imperial guard? You may get a shot off at me, but you will be so full of laze bolts you will never get away." I already knew that every other gun in the building was pointed at me, but I needed time to think.
Fortunately, someone arrived to interrupt our Mexican standoff.
I heard a cough behind me, and a deep male voice said, "I'm not interrupting anything am I, Regina?"
She looked behind me and smiled. "Why no Commisar, you are not. We just found a traitor for you to execute." She gestured behind me. "Heretic, meet Commissar Ciaphas Cain."
Joker heard that over my open comm channel. "Ciaphas Cain, like Hero of the Fucking Imperium Ciaphas Cain?"
"Look." I said, very slowly as I kept my weapon on the colonel. "Some seriously weird shit is going on. I don't know who the fuck you people are, but apparently my pilot does. I'm going to put my weapon away. Then I will direct my ship to land as close to here as I can. Then we are going to have a nice talk about what the fuck a bunch of crazies that think they are from a fantasy world with space elves and orks is doing in my patrol route. Then, if I am having a good day, I won't have to kill anyone."
"The correct term is eldar, not space elves." A calm, lilting voice said behind me, and suddenly I had 100% less weapons pointed at me.
"WITCH!'" Broklaw shouted, and I turned sideways so I could keep my gun on the "colonel" and look behind me.
Well. Fuck me. A space elf. She had pointy ears, a long face, and weird looking makeup with a get up that would have made an asari think twice it was so overblown.
"You still look like a fucking space elf." I growled.
She made a small shrugging gesture. "And you look like an unevolved savage, but I am doing my best not to insult those whom I must now ally myself with. I would appreciate the same courtesy from you."
Fuck me. She made the asari sound reasonable too.
"Commissar, will you please explain why, exactly, you brought a xenos witch into the middle of my regiment." Kasteen coolly said.
"Actually, colonel, I think the lady with the gun on you might be able to explain that better than me."
All eyes turned to me. I sighed and put away my gun. "Joker, get your ass down here, double time. And get me a report on everything you know about Warhammer."
"Fantasy or 40k ma'am?" He asked.
"THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING SPACE ELVES!" I bellowed.
"That would be 40k. On it ma'am." I cut the link. Joker was a pain in the ass, but at least this time he might know something useful.
I turned around fully to get a look at this Cain character. He looked completely outrageous. If I had thought that the other officers were over dressed, this idiot looked he was ready for mardi gras. Though his outfit was all somber colors, the number of gleaming medals, the greatcoat, the embroidery, and for christssake, the man had a SWORD. Talk about ostentatious...
He arched an eyebrow at me. "I take it you're a native of this place." He stated.
I laughed in his face. "No, I'm from earth, stupid."
There was a hushed silence, then a blond woman came up to me. She was dressed in some sort of envirosuit, but it was covered in gold, wax seals, and iconography of some sort. Did these people not understand the meaning of subtle?
"You are from Holy Terra?" She asked quietly.
I gave her a strange look. "Holy what now? I told you, I'm from earth. You know, birthplace of mankind?"
"Then you must know of the Emperor!" The balding officer said, "How could anyone not have heard of the Golden Throne on Holy Terra?"
I gave him a funny look. "The golden what now? Humanity has no Emperor, except for some figurehead in Japan. The real power is the congress, prime minister and admiralty, not a bunch of dirt bound politico's on earth."
The human's looked like they were going to be ill, and the space elf spoke up. "It was as I told you," Wow, little bit arrogant there bitch? "We are in an entirely new galaxy. That humanity is present here is surprising, to say the least, but they would have no knowledge of your Emperor. For that matter, we do not know if the Emperor even ever existed here."
"But that's impossible." Kasteen rasped, "The Emperor has always existed, always guided humanity, from the time of the age of apostasy to the present, over ten thousand years."
Ten thousand? "Woah, lady, hold up there. Earth's history doesn't even GO back ten thousand years. Hell, citadel history only goes back about 2700 years, give or take a few decades. That's the first time any race became space faring."
"What? HERASY!" Broklaw yelled, drawing his weapon.
"Calm down Major." Cain ordered. "We are no longer in the Imperium. It would seem that warp storm has dragged us into a new galaxy, perhaps a new reality all together. We should be glad humanity waits to welcome us at all." A stunned silence met his pronouncement.
There was a moment of silence, then Cain spoke again. "You mean to tell us that humanity has only been among the stars for 2700 years here?"
That made me laugh again. "Oh, don't we just wish that. No, the asari, you know, the prissyest race in the galaxy? They made it to the citadel 2700 years ago. We've barely been on the galactic stage for 26 years, barely longer then I've been around."
This was met with more stunned silence, even from the space elf. The humans look like their favorite relative had just died. "Hey," I said, trying to lighten the mood, "If it makes you feel better, we came onto the stage by kicking the turian's ass so hard the stick they have shoved up there almost fell out."
The humans all seemed to brighten a bit at the pronouncement. "So humanity is indeed the dominate race in the galaxy?"
The space elf looked worried at that bit, as if she had eaten something especially bitter but didn't want to complain about it.
I sighed. "No. We've gotten a lot more respect lately, what with our pulling the Council races bacon out of the fryer. Fuckers still don't give us our due, but we do have one of the most powerful fleets and we currently have the biggest clout politically, but that could change at any moment. Really, the asari are the most advanced, the turians are the most militarily powerful, and the salarians are the most annoying."
I was starting to realize the full impact of what these people were telling me. They were apparently from some other world, one that existed as some sort of children's game in a retro gaming shop from my troubled childhood, and they had absolutely no fucking clue what this place was like. My first reaction was disbelief, but then I remembered seeing this planet appear literally from nowhere. Maybe the tech to travel between galaxies or universes or whatever was common where these idiots were from, but it seemed impossible even for the reapers to pull off. Then there were these two alien species. The orks looked pretty primitive, and it was possible, though unlikely, an intelligent race that was planet bound could have been missed. The space elves were different. They appeared to have some sort of knowledge of what was going on, and that spoke of a level of sophistication that the council would have picked up on.
I listened as Cain started to explain that the eldar witch had somehow guided the planet they had been on through a warp storm, whatever that was, and that they had popped out here. I couldn't help but notice the woman he was with was being suspiciously silent, and giving him odd glances that the military types were not picking up on. The space elf was agreeing with him and offering explanations that made fuck all sense to me, but something was obviously wrong. Cain was pretty clearly a smooth opperator and the others were buying the load of shit he was feeding him hook, line and sinker, but I had seen his type before and wasn't interested.
A call came over their radios when the Normandy landed, apparently they weren't used to ships sneeking up on them like that, but the colonel gave her permission to land.
"I better radio for the rest of my crew to drive over to the Normandy in our APC, can you get them permission to come through the camp?" I asked the colonel, and she nodded and I told Garrus to get his ass over to the Normandy's landing pad. He complied without asking to many questions, for that I was grateful.
I trooped over to the landing pad with all the rest, trying to figure out what the hell we were supposed to do. I needed to radio Alliance Command and let them know we had a whole planet of humans and unknown aliens from God only knows where, and I needed to figure out just how to deal with these people that were human enough but whose knowledge of the universe was so strange as to be totally alien.
The mako rolled up just as we arrived and the Normandy, and Joker hobbled down the ramp. There were gasps as Garrus stepped out of the mako, and the surrounding humans shouted something about "xenos" "heretics" and "witches" whatever that meant. Cain shouted them all down and got order restored, and Liara was next out.
I walked over to her and kissed her. "Sweetie, you have no idea what they hell we've gotten ourselves into." I whispered to her, holding her close, then realized complete silence had fallen over the landing zone. The only sounds to be heard was the quiet rumble of the mako, the hum of the Normandy's engines winding down, and the distant thunder of battle.
I put my hand in Liara's and turned to see all the strangers staring at me, and Joker with his palm smacked firmly on his face.
"Commander, ma'am, that was just about the worst thing you could possibly have done." Joker muttered.
What the fuck was wrong with these people? Couldn't a girl kiss her girlfriend?
Author's note: Wow. You know, I was sorta hoping this would get a positive response, but everyone has been so overwhelmingly supportive I will continue to post chapters much faster then I originally intended. I'm not going to hold this story captive, as long as there are people who want to read it, I will make sure it gets regular updates. That said, what really motivated me to post an update this soon was the number of reviews I got, so keep them coming and tell your friends folks! Either way, CC&CS will continue to update.