The probability of this being finished before Christmas is a low, but in for a penny in for a pound right?
Plus I'm having way to much fun :)
...
Belle's 9 Pages
Belle was just reading at her desk at the library, most of the cleaning was done so she figured her well deserved break would be spent burying herself in a good book. It wasn't until she heard someone scurrying about that she realized she in fact was not alone in the library. She peeked over the top of her book to see a young woman in nun garb, collecting pages as if she was in a great hurry all of a sudden, trying to hold a great deal of loose pages together.
"Oh Nova," the nun said to herself, dropping more pages to the floor and scrambling to pick them up.
"Why are you such a klutz!?" she admonished herself harshly as Belle closed her book and went to offer her assistance. However this Nova was already quickly stumbling out, dropping pages as she went and disappearing through the door.
"W-wait!" Belle called after her, but it was too late, Nova was gone. Belle leaned over and picked up one of the pages she dropped, noticing a warm tingling sensation in the fingers that touched the page as she looked down to see what was written on them.
"1 of 9, the dance of the inanimate…" Belle read aloud …
"Well that was certainly entertaining," Gold remarked, laughter in his eyes as Emma finished doing the lawnmower.
"Yeah, laugh it up crypt keeper," Emma retorted, reaching into her pocket to answer her ringing phone.
"Hello?"
"Is this the sheriff!?" a panicked voice asked, sounding like they were at the site of some kind of construction.
"Yes it is, sorry can you speak up I can hardly hear you," Emma said, turning and leaving the store (but not before pointing to her eyes then pointing to Gold who laughed in response.)
"My names Belle I work at the library!" The voice shouted into the phone, making Emma wince.
"I need help!" Belle yelled
When Emma walked into the Library she was pretty sure she'd lost it at last. Book's were flying about the room knocking over chairs that looked to be dancing, a few rags appeared to be washing the windows, broom were sweeping the floor and she was pretty sure the tables were doing the wave.
"What the-GAH!"
A book swooped down on Emma and very nearly clobbered her face. A hand grabbed her wrist and yanked her to the left, pulling her out of the way just in time and into the janitors closet. A woman with long brown hair in a blue dress closed the door behind her and quickly turned on a light, both barely able to fit in the cramped space.
"Hi, you must be Emma," The woman who must have been Belle said, slightly out of breath but smiling as she offered her hand.
"Uh yeah, hi," Emma said, shaking her hand, "Belle right?"
"Yes, nice to meet you," she said brightly.
"Mind telling me what in gods name I just saw, cause I'm feeling pretty Micky mouse in fantasia right now," Emma said, glancing at the closed door as she heard things crashing just outside it.
"There was this girl Nova, she dropped these pages," Belle held up a handful of semi-crumpled papers.
"I was just picking them up, I thought I could go after her and give them back later - then I read one," Belle looked embarrassed.
"I'm not nosy I swear I was just curious," she tried to explain, to which Emma just held up her hand.
"Hey, no judgement here. Then what happened?"
"I read one page out loud and the rags started cleaning the windows."
"Damn, can I borrow that page?" Emma asked.
"I know right? But then I tried to get them to stop and I couldn't," she said wide eyed.
"I read another one and the chairs started to dance, I kept finding pages and reading them hoping they'd stop but more stuff just kept happening." Belle threw up her hands like the process had been maddening.
"Sounds like you were trying to dig yourself out of a hole Belle," Emma remarked lightly as she continued.
"From what I've read I think I have to read the ninth page to make it stop, but by the time I got to eight it was too crazy out there to keep looking," she sighed, rubbing her eyes.
"I didn't know what else to do, so I called you," she said, shrugging sheepishly.
Emma sighed, "you know my life was already interesting before I came here, why does the universe deem in necessary to make my life hell by shovelling this on me?"
"I'm sorry," Belle said, looking at her shoes.
"Not your fault, universe just likes to throw cosmic crap at me apparently," Emma told her, reaching up and plucking an empty box from a shelf above her and a dustpan from the floor.
"You find the page - I'll cover you," Emma instructed.
"Right," Belle nodded.
"Time to fight a magic library," Emma sighed as Belle grasped the door knob.
"On three?" Belle asked
"Sounds good."
"Ok… Three!" Belle yelled throwing the door open. Emma charged forward using the box as a shield and dust pan brandished like a short sword into the chaos.
"I swear that moment should have been in slow motion," Emma said to Snow, opening another beer.
"I got into a fist fight with a mop and I KO'd great expectations when it came at my face, I kinda felt like a badass; is that sad?" Emma asked, throwing the beer cap in the garbage.
"Not many people can say they full on punched out one of the classics," Snow pointed out, trying to reassure her.
"I think I pissed off Belle when I did that," Emma confided in a bit of a slur, sipping her beer.
"Ok, where do you keep getting beer?" Snow asked "I don't even keep beer in the house." Emma just shrugged.
"Anyways - Belle looked, I fought" Emma continued…
"I got it!" Belle yelled, holding up the page triumphantly.
"Good!" Emma yelled back, holding the box between her and several books trying to plaster themselves to her face as she kicked a tap dancing chair treading on her toes, sending it across the room and knocking a shelf over.
"Think you could, I don't know, READ IT!?"
"Right! Sorry!" Belle looked down to the page, lips moving but Emma was unable to hear her as she used the dust pant to swat a rag trying vehemently to scrub her head. Suddenly everything just dropped to the ground.
"It worked!" Belle chirped, hopping on the spot.
"Fantastic," Emma huffed, dropping the box and the dust pan, reaching down and pulling a chair up to sit down in.
"Are you alright?" Belle asked hesitantly.
"Depends - what time is it?" Emma asked, elbows on her knees, pressing the heel of her palms into her eyes until she saw stars.
"It's eleven thirty," Belle told her.
"Mother of god," Emma groaned "I need a nap."
"Would you like me to make some tea for you? It's the least I can do," Belle offered kindly.
"Actually that sounds-" Emma was interrupted by her phone buzzing loudly in her pocket.
"Oh my god you've got to be kidding me!" she spat through grit teeth as she flipped the phone open and put it to her ear.
"What?" she snapped.
"Hook and the Mad hatter are having a portal fight in the bar," Grumpy growled over the line, "thought you might wanna know about it."
"I shall be over to kill them both promptly," Emma said as cheerfully as possible before hanging up.
"Maybe next time Belle - I'm off to commit a double homicide."
"A portal fight?" Snow repeated, sounding disbelieving at best.
"Trust me," Emma said, propping her head up in her hand with her elbow on the counter, face pretty red now, "I know."
Hook And Jefferson's 8 portals
Jefferson knew the portal's he'd received in his odd deal with Mr. Gold wouldn't take him home, simple mover's portals that they were. But it was a start of course he thought as he did his very best to wash the tea leaves out of his mouth with a few brews at the Storybrooke bar that almost no one ever visited besides grumpy and him - it was quiet and nice. Until Hook came to town. Someone plopped down on the stool next to him
"Ah Jefferson - crazy seeing you here." Speak of the devil.
"Well if it isn't the tool of the seven sea's," Jefferson smiled, turning to face the unfriendly grinning pirate.
"What brings you here?" Jefferson asked, looking back somewhat uninterestedly at his mug.
"Can't an old friend come to see another old friend for a drink?" Hook asked innocently.
"But of course, just one problem."
"Do tell?"
"We're not friends."
"Ah yes, that does put a kink on us being drinking buddies doesn't it?" Hook acknowledged, signalling the bartender to bring him whatever Jefferson was drinking.
"So what do you want?" Jefferson asked coolly.
"To ask you what your interest in Emma Swan is," he informed him, tone challenging. Jefferson laughed but not like it was funny. Yes the pirate certainly did seem fond of his sheriff - that was unfortunate.
For Hook of course.
"Oh I think you know. What do you say we skip the talk and just jump to the better part of this confrontation?" Jefferson suggested, pushing his mug away from him.
"Thought you'd never ask," Hook said, cracking his neck…
Emma had reached her quota of jaw dropping before noon. So when she walked in to the Storybrooke bar to see Jefferson throw Hook into a mirror that swallowed him before spitting him back out from a portal in the ceiling, hitting the floor with a groan, the most she could muster for shock was a sigh. Leroy/grumpy walked past her calmly with his Budweiser.
"All yours sister," he said exiting the bar.
"Thanks," Emma snarled after him before returning her attention to the two scrapping idiots.
"Are you two serious?"
"Emma!" Jefferson smiled when he saw her, giving her a small wave, "how are you?" he asked, like a bar fight with portals was a terribly common and quaint occurrence. Hook reached over from his spot on the floor and tripped him by using his hook to yank Jefferson's foot from under him. Jefferson reeled back and fell into a table that subsequently pulled him in like a vortex and made him disappear.
"Swan," Hook grinned, getting to his feet, "Lovely to see you out and about."
"What. The hell. Is going on?" She asked, enunciating each word slowly and carefully so as not to begin yelling. Right then Jefferson came flying out of a portrait that hung on the wall so fast he hit the bar and flipped over the counter with a loud thud.
"Nothing," Hook said innocently.
"Clearly," Emma replied sarcastically as Jefferson hopped back over the bar like he hadn't a care in the world.
"This is how you use the portals you bartered with Gold for?"
"How'd you know about that?" Jefferson asked, shooting Killian a dirty look, both circling each other.
"I just do," Emma said shrugging with a big fake smile, "now would someone please explain to me what is going on?"
"We're having a discussion," Hook replied amiably, still circling with Jefferson.
"You're beating the shit out of each other," Emma spat through grit teeth.
"Don't mind him Emma," Jefferson said, somehow managing a half bow to her while still keeping his guard up and in step.
"Hook here needs to learn when he's not wanted."
"Which one of us kidnapped her again?" Hook pondered aloud
"Wait a minute," Emma said, realizing something, "are you two having a pissing match over me?" she asked with disbelief. Emma pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed.
"Of course, how could I have missed the overbearing smell of testosterone in here?"
"Insane isn't it?" Hook said, shooting a pointed look at Jefferson.
"Oh clever, lets give the man a hand Emma," Jefferson said, clapping.
"Oh, that was crazy quick, hats off to you sir," Hook retorted grinning.
"Why don't you both use one of those portals to pull your heads out of your asses?" Emma suggested. Hook lunged forward unexpectedly and grabbed Jefferson by his lapels
"Be with you in a moment love," he winked. He pulled Jefferson with him as he stepped into a pillar which was apparently another portal, reappearing from a moose head on the wall. Jefferson had seemed to turn the tables between here and there though and threw Hook against a wall so hard he knocked a picture off of it with a loud crash. They both obviously had no intention of stopping this absurd fight, she'd just have to intervene she thought taking a step forward. Both men reached out an arm as they saw her do, as if to stop her.
"WAIT!" they both yelled in unison. Unfortunately it was too late for that as Emma stepped on a card (eight of spades) that was on the floor that she hadn't given a second thought to. She really should of considering there were portals all over the damn room. Emma screamed when it turned out the card was one of them and it sucked her in, and she was still screaming when a second portal spat her out of one of the beer mugs and onto the bar.
"What?" Snow said shaking her head as if to clear her ears and hear her better, "how is that possible?"
"How is any of this possible?" Emma asked, attempting to make a grand sweep of her arm and almost smacking herself in the face. Yeah she may have had a few too many…
"I step on a card, next thing I know I'm flying out of the mug Jefferson was drinking out of on the bar. Which by the way, ow," she said
"Ow," Emma groaned, lying unmoving on the bar top with Jefferson's drink dribbling on her shoe.
"Emma!" two voice shouted simultaneously.
"Don't!" Emma snapped, holding up a hand as both men moved to help her up.
"I will kill the first one of you to touch me," she hissed. Hook shoved Jefferson forward.
"Give her a hand then, I've only go the one," he said with a goading smile.
"When my feet hit the ground," Emma began as she sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bar counter, "all eight of your little portals will be gone." she pointed at Jefferson.
"And you will be gone," she said pointing to Hook.
"Hey!" he complained "Why doesn't he have to leave?" he pouted, pointing his hook at Jefferson who was smiling somewhat smugly.
"Oh he does, but he leaves after you in a hurry. If this is not done I'm gonna be honest," Emma laughed, in a way that was slightly frightening to both men.
"I can not be held responsible for what I might do to you two."
Emma pointed to the corner of the room.
"But it's going to involve that broom handle, no Vaseline and in all probability a hospital," she growled.
"Emma," Snow said, obviously disapproving of the crude threat.
"Hey, all I know is after I said it my boots hit the ground," Emma said, plucking the olive from the Martini in her hand, "and poof!" She made a flamboyant gesture with her hands.
"They disappeared, along with all 8 portals."
"Ok, you never even got up to make a Martini what is going on?" Snow said throwing her hands in the air.
"I deserve magic Martinis!" Emma slurred, "and what is that noise!?" she demanded with annoyance. It'd been going on in the background for a bit now, the sound of people whistling and the scraping of something outside their apartment. Emma got up and stumbled over to the window with Snow close behind her, the closer they got the more clearly the could also hear what sounded like arguing...
7 Dwarves Stringing Up Lights
"Why don't they light up?"
"Dopey stop spinning you idiot!"
"Maybe we should plug-"
"I'm cold!"
"Shut up - they must be broken"
"Ok now why the hell are they blinking!?"
"They must be broken."
"They're not broken!"
"No, spin the other way! Somebody help!"
"Plug it in!"
"This dress is uncomfort-"
"Nobody cares Sneezy! They are plugged in!"
"Flip the switch then!"
"There's a switch?"
"I don't have enough length, untangle him for god sakes!"
"WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?"
Emma threw the window open and stuck her head out; And very surprisingly almost head butted a dwarf.
"Gah!" Emma screamed
"Ahh!" Grumpy yelped
"You're flying?!" Emma said, sounding clearly exasperated as Snow grabbed the back of her shirt to stop her from falling out the window.
"He's on a ladder Emma," Snow corrected in her 'talking to the drunk girl' voice. Emma finally notice that Grumpy was indeed on a ladder - he was also not alone. With him were the rest of the dwarves with piles of Christmas lights. Most were wrapped and twisted around Dopey who was grinning like a moron while the rest of the dwarves tried to either untangle him or free up a few more lengths of lights. Sneezy was trying to help but seemed to be having trouble as the length of the red dress he was wearing kept tangling around his feet and tripping him, causing him to knock other dwarves over - it was very three stooges.
Or you know - seven.
"I asked them to help me string up some Christmas lights earlier today," Snow explained, trying to pull Emma back in through the window but she held onto the sill to stay where she was, staring at grumpy who stared back like he'd sucked a lemon.
"You smell like you drank a bar sister."
"Yeah well you look like you drank a bar," Emma retorted.
"Ok!" Snow laughed nervously, intervening quickly, "I'm sorry grumpy she's had a long day," Snow apologized.
"Hey Sneezy!" Emma called, drawing the dwarf's attention to her as he struggled to untangle the hem of the dress he wore.
"I like your dress," Emma complemented him with a thumbs up, causing the other dwarves to snicker while Sneezy's face turned a shade to match said dress.
"Thank you," he mumbled.
"You like not sneezing?" she asked. At this Sneezy gave a big smile.
"It's wonderful!" he told her.
"What do we call you now?" Emma asked looking confused. Sneezy's smile seemed to wilt a little bit.
"What?"
"You don't sneeze anymore so calling you Sneezy doesn't make any sense," she explained with a shrug.
"My god… you're right," Sneezy said, as if realizing only now how monumental this revelation was.
"WHO AM I?" he cried, tears splashing down his face.
"Oh shit what have I done?" Emma swallowed as Sneezy started wailing.
"Way to go sister," Grumpy grumbled, rolling his eyes "we're never gonna get these lights up" he sighed to himself, rubbing his face.
"Sorry," Emma apologized as Snow pulled her back through the window and closed it behind her.
"Does this seem strange to you?" Snow asked, looking pensive as Emma sat on the couch.
"There are seven dwarves stringing up your Christmas lights, one's in a dress and crying because his name needs to change - I've had to re-evaluate my definition of strange. Also have you heard a word of the story I've been telling?" Emma blinked slowly trying to make the blurriness in her vision dissipate a little.
"Wow, I'm really drunk," Emma admitted to herself.
"No, I mean yes - this is all very, very strange but am I the only one seeing a pattern?" Emma just stared blankly at Snow so she elaborated.
"12 horse chase Henry, 11 crossbows with Granny, Gold has to make 10 deals, 9 pages to stop Belle's rioting library, 8 portals in the bar fight - is there not a song or some kind of poem with that same scheme?" Snow wondered. Both women were silent for a minute.
"… Nahhhh," Both women said, laughing at the absurdity of the thought.
"Ok so your going to love this next one," Emma told her, gearing up for the next round of crazy…
...
Thank you to everyone who left reviews, you guys put a smile on my face :D (see there it is)
Merry Christmas everyone!