Disclaimer: Not mine, never was. This is merely an homage.
Author's Notes: Again, this is nothing but crack. It does not constitute a real story in that it has no purpose, no plot, and not much of anything else. It's crazy for the sake of it and is all meant in good fun. As a reminder, everyone wants Kurt. BECAUSE THEY DO. Also, I know Blaine's canonical last name is different from the one I'm using, so please don't bother telling me about it. As it is, I can barely tolerate the character (though Darren Criss is awesomesauce). So I'm keeping the original surname I gave him. In sum: crack, crack, Cracky McCrackerson. Thank you, and god bless.
Mike Chang still can't believe his BEST FRIEND is dating a dude and didn't tell him.
(Finn Hudson, Puckzilla Puckerman, and 4 others like this.)
Matt Rutherford Hmm, interesting. Well, perhaps if you hadn't dominated all forms of our communication by discussing your girlfriend's awesome tits, I would have.
Kurt Hummel What did you call me, Chang?
Finn Hudson Why does Matt talk on the internet like Kurt talks IRL? Brr. Scary. Well, Kurt would never say 'tits'. Tits is a funny word. Rachel gets mad when I say it, though.
Santana Lopez Probably because she has none.
(23 people like this.)
Rachel Berry At least I didn't have to buy a set. :D
Mercedes Jones *raises eyebrow* That was actually…not bad. Well, for Rachel.
Santana Lopez Hey, Berry: You didn't buy them because 1) you can't afford them and 2) you're still waiting for puberty to set in and give you enough tissue to hold an implant. I banged Hudson before my upgrade. The only banging you've done is your head on a desk because you can't hold on to ANY man.
(Sue Sylvester likes this.)
Sam Evans Yeah, and that's pretty much a checkmate, Rachel.
(Santana Lopez and Mercedes Jones like this.)
Blaine Rothschild Evans, kissing up to La Lopez won't help you with Kurt. He's moved on.
Sam Evans And not with you.
Puckzilla Puckerman Burn.
Kurt Hummel Samuel, Blaine, this discussion is imprudent and not appropriate to this thread. I am quite happy with Mr. Rutherford. Please let this alone.
Puckzilla Puckerman What about me, Princess?
Kurt Hummel Noah, there was never anything between us but seething contempt and there will never be anything more than friendly banter. I am not interested in you. Even if I were, I would never pursue anything as my loyalty to Quinn far supersedes any theoretical attraction that I, in only my worst nightmares, might possess for you.
(Quinn Fabray likes this.)
Quinn Fabray ILU, bb!
Kurt Hummel *kisses*
Puckzilla Puckerman So…threesome?
Quinn Fabray This is why we can't have nice things!
Puckzilla Puckerman This isn't over. Last year's model is not going to keep the Little Dude from me. I'm a stud.
Kurt Hummel And we are singularly unimpressed.
Finn Hudson Go Kurt! Don't fall for his devious ways.
Kurt Hummel I suspect some comic book character expressed a similar sentiment?
Finn Hudson *toes ground* Mebbe.
Kurt Hummel You're adorable.
Finn Hudson *beams* Well, I have to keep you safe, right? You're my little bro, and I want to be the bestest big bro of all time!
Santana Lopez I'm going to vomit. Why don't you two just kiss and get it over with?
(314 people like this.)
Finn Hudson Okay!
Kurt Hummel Not okay. Finn, we've discussed this. Some forms of affection are not appropriate for siblings. Santana, please stop encouraging him. Yesterday he tried to cast a tracking charm on my bookbag with a twig, all on the off-chance I might sneak away to see a boy.
Santana Lopez …
Burt Hummel Good job, son.
Finn Hudson Thanks!
Burt Hummel That said, quit trying to get into my boy's pants.
Finn Hudson Don't worry, Burt. They're so tight, I can't get my hand inside them.
Burt Hummel …Is this real life?
Kurt Hummel Unfortunately. This is all completely unacceptable and this behavior will desist immediately or there will be dire consequences.
Brittany Pierce Is Kurt the Supernanny? He talks like her.
Kurt Hummel Britters, shh. Don't make me put you on the Naughty Stool.
Brittany Pierce But I like it there! It has rainbows. And remember that one time with Sanny?
Kurt Hummel Brit, if you stop talking about our adventures on the Naughty Stool, Santana and I will take you to the Sanrio outlet tomorrow.
(Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez like this.)
Brittany Pierce Win! I love Hello Kitty. She's the best friend I've ever had who has whiskers. Well, except for Coach Sylvester. Oh! And Mariah Carey.
William Schuester Wait a moment. Brittany not only just blackmailed her ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend into taking her to her favorite store but also insulted Coach Sylvester in one fell swoop? Where have I been?
Sue Sylvester Most likely, William, you have been too busy riding that carousel of harlots you jokingly refer to as love interests to pay attention to exceptional students. Of course, if you can't catch on to phantom pregnancies, it's no wonder you're unable to judge with any accuracy the brilliance of my Unholy Trinity. Brittany, Santana, and Alabaster will bring this school to its knees. Which is where it should be, of course. For many obvious reasons. And for future reference, Schuester, Brittany was not insulting me but referring to my high testosterone level, which has allowed me to defeat opponents with ease and rule all I survey with an iron fist. Had you any testosterone of your own, you would know this.
(Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, and Kurt Hummel like this.)
Emma Pillsbury You know, now that I'm married and not involved in this situation, I must admit that Sue's attacks on Will are rather clever and somewhat deserved.
Sue Sylvester Eudora, I am pleased to read that your time spent in William's dubious company did not impair your brain function to the point where you are unable to differentiate between reality and the Amazing Technicolor world William insists he inhabits.
Artie Abrams Alabaster?
Sam Evans Kurt, of course. His skin is FLAWLESS. And it's so soft…
Matt Rutherford And it tastes even better than that. STFU and know your role, Evans. *goes back to yelling at Mike*
Kurt Hummel Mmm, you big strong man.
Matt Rutheford ;D
Rachel Berry Brittany, you know Mariah Carey?
Brittany Pierce Sure! Don't you?
Rachel Berry …
Brittany Pierce Oh. Huh. *shrug*
Blaine Rothschild Finn Hudson, what was the charm you tried to use?
Kurt Hummel That is completely irrelevant. I will not have you ensnaring my brother in your strange adoration of Rowling's fertile imagination.
Blaine Rothschild *pouts*
David Anderson You pout adorably, Blaine.
Wes Nguyen Indeed.
Kurt Hummel And a new Golden Trio is born. *rolls eyes*
Finn Hudson Kurt, we can still cuddle on the couch during scary movies, right? And still be brothers? That's not bad?
Kurt Hummel No, that is perfectly acceptable. However, that does not mean that you can continue to pull me onto your lap and tuck my head under your chin whenever you wish.
Finn Hudson But you fit so well there! D:
Brittany Pierce Awww! SQUEE!
(331 people like this.)
Carole Hudson-Hummel I have pictures!
(1286 people like this.)
Kurt Hummel Carole, perhaps you should not abet your son's manhandling of me?
Carole Hudson-Hummel Tsk. Now Kurt, if you and Finn were to begin dating, I would not be opposed to it.
(Finn Hudson likes this.)
Burt Hummel I would.
(Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry like this.)
Sam Evans Anyone else notice this thread has been completely hijacked? Mike has totally disappeared. And where'd Rutherford go?
Kurt Hummel They're Skyping.
Santana Lopez Wanky. ;)
Kurt Hummel Alas, only in our dreams, darling. Only in our dreams. *sigh*
Santana Lopez I would normally applaud your deviant fantasies, but you've once again managed to insert DEBBIE GIBSON into a FB thread. GODDAMNIT, HUMMEL!
Kurt Hummel You know you want me.
Santana Lopez Never said otherwise. ;)
Mercedes Jones I just texted Tina and told her to catch up on this shit. Mike, prepare to be busted.
Mike Chang Huhwha?
Tina Cohen-Chang Mike said WHAT about my chest, now?
Mercedes Jones Voila.
Puckzilla Puckerman You gotta admit, they are pretty awesome. For an Asian girl.
Kurt Hummel THE FUCK?
Mercedes Jones Simmer down, baby. Tee's got this one.
Artie Abrams Ruh roh.
Kurt Hummel *smirks*
Tina Cohen-Chang I'M SORRY, PUCK? Was that a backhanded compliment from the school's most misogynistic and racist homophobic dickwad? I'm so honored! All I can say is that I've seen the pics on Santana's phone, Puckerman, and you have a lot of nerve addressing your genitalia as in any way approaching the length and/or girth of a prehistoric monster. I bet you and Karofsky are the only guys at McKinley suffering from PENIS ENVY.
(2304 people like this.)
Santana Lopez …Holy shit. OMG, IDEK! *takes screenshot* This might be the BEST DAY EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! *Oprah voice*
Brittany Pierce It's always the quiet ones. Artie taught me that! Oh, and this thing with my finger…
Artie Abrams That's enough story time, Brit.
Brittany Pierce 'Kay!
Sam Evans And thus did Tina win Life, many internets, and everything else imaginable.
Finn Hudson God bless us. Every one!
Rachel Berry Wow. What did people do before Facebook?
Kurt Hummel They made dolls out of corncobs and stared at fire.