Here's the cheesy Charming speech, as requested. Please keep the ideas coming. I am drawing major blanks on this one. It should be fun to see where it goes with your help!
David walked into the galley to find Hook staring into a mug of coffee that had gone so far past cold it was almost solid. He had obviously been sitting there for a very long time. The Nolan in him wanted to turn around and pretend like he hadn't seen anything, but the prince inside forbade it.
"Do you want to talk?" David found himself saying. The captain jumped, clearly unaware that he was no longer alone.
"About what?" Killian asked.
"I don't know, whatever is eating you alive," David answered. "Is it Regina?"
The pirate made a noise somewhere between a snort and a sigh.
"I'm a pirate, Charming," he sneered. "I've left my seed at many a port; this isn't the first time a wench came crying for pity on her bastard."
"But Regina didn't come crying. She hasn't asked for a thing."
"You think I don't know that?" Hook raised his voice. "I'd do right by her. I always do."
"By giving her a bag of treasure? That's just appeasing your conscience. She's a mess right now. She really needs someone to step up and help her through this."
"Bloody hell! I can't be that person! I don't even know if the kid is mine!"
"Just talk to her."
And that was how Killian, a fearless pirate, found himself trembling outside the cabin door, struggling to work up the nerve to knock. He finally took a deep breath and just opened the door without knocking. It was his ship, after all.
The sight of the once regal queen curled around a wooden bucket and smelling of bile made him stop in his tracks. Her cheeks were sunken, her skin pale. Her eyes were moist from crying, and her hair hung limply into her face, weighed down by grease. She was filthy, and rumpled, and not at all what he expected to find.
Regina looked up and something familiar crossed her face. Anger flared her nostrils and her eyes flashed.
"Get. Out."
The timbre of her voice caused Hook to smile. She was still in there. That domineering pain in his ass.
He goaded her, trying to get her to stay in that familiar place, all anger and venom, instead of slipping back into the shell of a woman that she was becoming.
"Well, I see someone is in a good mood this morning," he teased.
It didn't work. Her mask fell, and she whispered, "Please, just go."
He almost did. Hatred, violence, passion- he could handle those. But sadness, pain, humanity? He'd given up facing those years ago.
But something caused him to pull the door shut behind him instead, leaving Regina no choice but to talk to him. Which she stalwartly refused to do. She turned away from him and stared at the wall, analyzing a particularly dark knot in the wood.
Killian couldn't find words. He had no idea what he was doing, or why he took that stupid prince's advice. Again, he nearly turned to leave. But this time, he found himself talking, surprising even himself.
"Is it true?" He knew the answer; nothing else would have reduced the queen to her present state.
She growled at him, not turning as she spoke to the wall. "Of course not," she answered sarcastically. "I was just so doggone jealous of Snow's perfect little life that I decided to pretend that I was pregnant to steal some of her glory."
"Is it mine?"
That simple question caused the anger to flare up again. She whipped around, stepping into his personal space, her breath reeking as she came nearly nose to nose with the pirate.
"I. Don't. Know." She growled, a low threatening sound like a wolf ready to pounce. "And you. Don't. Care." Her words were spaced out, almost like each word was a separate curse, turning his blood cold. He delighted in the feeling, smiling in spite of himself. This was the queen he knew.
Her anger flared even deeper at his smirk. "You smile when I admit to you that I've had other men?" Without waiting for a reply, she pushes him into the door, crashing her lips into his, forcing her vomit crusted tongue between his lips. She grabs his waistband, forcing her hand lower, eliciting a reaction from him. Then she steps away, her eyes flashing.
"It meant nothing." She glowers at him. Then she shoves him away from the door, and for the first time in weeks she leaves her cabin.
Captain Hook is left standing in shock, his body painfully aroused, his mouth desperately desiring a sprig of mint. And yet, he smiles.