Okay, the gay starts in this chapter and I'm super excited.
Chapter 2
What's Up, Tiger Mommy? (This one's got gods, so I'm gonna be PISSED)
This time, we start in a bank in Chicago, Illinois (in case you confused it with Chicago, Zimbabwe). A young, dark-haired woman, who I'm gonna call Sharla escorted an old man to the bank vaults or something. I dunno, it doesn't make sense.
"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Vili," Sharla said cheerfully, "You just haven't been here for a while. We had to dig through our archives."
"It's no problem, my dear," the old man, Mr. Vili smiled, "I've got plenty of time."
"Which box was it again?" Sharla asked.
"One," Mr. Vili said, "If memory serves."
"During the last remodeling, we had to replace the safe boxes," Sharla explained, unlocking the box and carrying it to the table, "And we put your's in a new one."
Mr. Vili unlocked the box that was inside the box (box-ception) and pulled out a bone.
"Is... that... a bone?" Sharla asked nervously.
"Yes, a very valuable one," Mr. Vili said.
"Well, I'm glad we were able to keep it safe for you," Sharla said with a nervous smile, "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Yes, actually. I'd like to make a withdrawal," Mr. Vili said (feck you).
Mr. Vili stabbed Sharla with a ballpoint pen and blood flew out like a geyser.
Dean was eating a hamburger at a table outside a restaurant.
"You're kidding," he said with his mouth full. Manners!
"I just wanna check on my mom," Kevin said defensively.
"It's a day's drive in the opposite direction," Dean pointed out.
"I know we're in a hurry," Kevin sighed.
"Then what's the problem?" Dean asked.
"Channing's broken neck is my problem!" Kevin shouted, "I'd rather NOT see my mom twisted into a pretzel!"
Dean shushed him.
"Fine," he sighed, "Let's go."
Later, in Neighbor, Michigan...
The Car (TM) was parked across the street from Kevin's house. Sam was looking through binoculars.
"Tiger mom, 9 o'clock," he said.
Kevin stared at him.
"What?" he asked confused.
He grabbed the binoculars and looked around until he saw his mom.
"She's okay," he said with a sigh of relief, "She seems sad, but okay."
"Look at the mailman," Dean said and Kevin did.
"That's Carl. What about him?" he asked.
"He's filled the mailbox three times since we've been sitting here," Dean said.
"Demon?" Kevin asked.
"And the gardener. Think that plant needs any more water?"
The gardener watering beautiful hydrangea bush in full bloom. Suddenly, the water stopped suddenly. The gardener walked around the house to investigate, only to get stabbed by Dean.
Carl was walking by the house when he heard a noise He decided to investigate, dripping Black Tar. He walked to the back yard and saw Dean, who waved at him. Then Sam, who was hiding behind the gate, stabbed him.
Mrs. Tran was playing cards with a woman named Eunice.
"He'll be back," Eunice said, "You just have to believe."
"I know, and I do, but he's been gone so long," Mrs. Tran said.
There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Tran opened it to see Kevin.
"Hi, Mom," he said.
"Kevin!" gasped Mrs. Tran.
Of course, Sam and Dean had to ruin the touching reunion by throwing Holy Water at her.
"She's clean," Dean announced.
Kevin hugged his mother.
"Do you smell that?" Sam asked.
The bros. walked into the kitchen. Black smoke came out of Eunice's mouth. Sam said a few words and it went right back in. Then, Dean stabbed her.
"NO!" Mrs. Tran shouted, "EUNICE!"
"That wasn't Eunice," Dean said bluntly, "She was possessed."
Mrs. Tran sank to the couch. Kevin sat next to her.
"You've seen The Exorcist, right?" Kevin asked (I haven't).
"Is that what you've been doing all year?" Mrs. Tran asked sternly, "Watching television? And did you have to kill her?"
"She would've told Crowley where Kevin was," Dean explained.
"And Crowley's the one who kidnapped you?" Mrs. Tran asked, "That little bitch is dead. I'll go get packed."
She stood up.
"What? No," Sam said, "Mrs. Tran, if Crowley can figure out how, he'll take your soul to Hell and torture you 'till you become a demon. You just have to let us handle it."
"It's not my soul I'm worried about," Mrs. Tran said firmly, "I'm coming."
"Y'wanna help us out?" Dean asked Kevin, who shrugged.
"You think she'll listen to me?" he asked.
Sam sighed.
"Fine," he said, "But you'll need tattoos. And hex bags."
"What!?" Kevin shouted.
"Yeah," Sam said, showing them his Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM).
"Fine," Mrs. Tran said.
"What?" Kevin asked her.
"It's not like it's my first tattoo or anything," she shrugged.
Kevin and Mrs. Tran got tattoos. Kevin whimpered loudly, but Mrs. Tran was totally stoic. She held her hand out for Kevin to hold.
"You smell it, Sammy?" Dean asked while they watched the tattooing.
"...Burning flesh?" Sam asked, wrinkling his nose, "Yeah."
"What, no," Dean said, "Revenge."
"You can't smell that, Dean!"
"Whatever," Dean sighed, "How'd you do that reverse-exorcism thingy?"
"I just said the words backwards," Sam shrugged.
"Huh," Dean said (they never do that again).
Sam and Dean wandered through a bus station in Laramie, Wyoming (The Laramie Project!) looking for demons and such, while Kevin and Mrs. Tran waited on a bench.
"Place is clear," Sam said when they came back to the bench.
Kevin handed Dean the key to one of the lockers they were waiting near.
"Okay. Positive thoughts," Dean said.
He opened the locker and pulled out a bag.
"You hid the Word of God... in a diaper bag?" Dean asked slowly.
"No," Kevin said, confused.
Dean looked through the bag, which was empty. Sam smirked.
"Shut up," Dean said, throwing the bag into the locker and slamming the door.
Later, "FBI" Sam and Dean were talking to a guard, who I'll call David Hayter, while Kevin and Mrs. Tran sat on a bench. David Hayter explained that the guard before him, a guy named Clem Smedley (I didn't make that name up), kept stealing stuff from the lockers, and that Smedley was in the county jail.
At the jail, Sam tried to get Clem Smedley to talk, but all Smedley wanted to talk about was David Hayter. Then Dean got bored and started flashbacking.
There was a monster with a weird face chained to a tree. Dean held his large bladed weapon of some sort.
"I don't think he knows," Benny informed Dean.
"He knows," Dean insisted, "Where's the angel?"
We come back to the future for a bit now. Dean took his tie off and put it around Smedley's neck. Then, he pressed a knife to Smedley's throat.
"Dean!" Sam shouted.
Back in the flashback, the monster gasped, "There's a stream."
Dean made a "go on" gesture.
"It-it runs through a-a clearing," the monster continued, "N-not far from here. I-I could sh-show you."
"Or, you could just tell me," Dean growled.
"Dean!" Sam shouted again.
And back in the present day, Smedley said, "P-pawn shop. F-first and M-main."
Back to the flashback...
Dean had his knife under the monster's chin.
"Go on," he said.
"Its-it's a three d-day journey," the monster said, ""F-follow the-the stream. There-there's a clearing. Y-your angel's there."
Dean glanced at Benny.
"You know what?" he said to the monster, "I believe you."
The monster didn't even have a chance to look relieved before Dean's knife was in his head. Dean walked away, with Benny following him.
And once more back in the present day, this time for good. Dean removed his tie from Smedley's neck.
"Come on," Sam said cautiously and they left.
Outside the Pawn Shop was some kind of red sports car. Sam, Dean, Kevin, and Mrs. Tran drove up in The Car (TM). They went inside, and Sam introduced himself and Dean as "Agents Neil and Sixx, FBI".
"We're looking for a tablet," Dean said, "Got like, hieroglyphic crap all over it."
"Sold to you by a thief named Clem," Sam chimed in, "Ring any bells?"
"Nope," the clerk said boredly.
"Okay..." Dean looked at the clerk's name tag, "Lyle. I've had a bad day, and I'm in kind of a rush, so if you wanna do this the hard way, that's fine by me."
"Sure- if ya' wanna be famous," Lyle said, gesturing to the store's security cameras.
Dean groaned.
"Is that your car outside?" Mrs. Tran asked.
"Why d'you care, Mail Order?" Lyle asked.
"Hey," Dean shouted, smacking the counter.
"I got this," Mrs. Tran smiled, "I noticed you're driving with expired tags. Maybe because, I dunno, you got it in a trade, so you probably haven't registered it, which means you haven't paid the tax. Am I right?"
"None of your business," Lyle said nervously.
"Kevin, what's the average blue book on a 2010 Ferrari F430 Spider?" Mrs. Tran asked.
"217,000 dollars," Kevin said automatically.
"And the 5% Wyoming tax?"
"10,850 dollars," Sam said after a pause.
"Ten-thousand dollars. You don't seem like the type to pay that much without complaint," Mrs. Tran said.
"What-what is this, an FBI audit?" asked the now very nervous Lyle.
"Oh no," Mrs. Tran smiled sweetly, "But, it just so happens that my brother works for the Wyoming tax assessor's office."
She dropped the cheerful act.
"So what's it gonna be- the tablet, or that piece of Eurotrash you call a car?"
Sam knocked on the door of Room 126 at a motel.
"You sure this is the right place?" he asked.
"Yeah," Dean said, waving around a small piece of paper they'd gotten from the Pawn Shop.
"Kevin!" called a man's voice.
The group turned to see a middle-aged man with a cane and a top hat.
"Who's askin'?" Dean asked.
"Relax, Dean, I'm not going to steal your Daily Prophet. I have something for him," he held up an envelope, "An invitation to an exclusive auction."
"Where you'll be selling the tablet?" Dean asked.
"Well, we needed a headliner," the man shrugged, "I'm Beau, by the way."
"Well, I hope you've got extra tickets to your eBay party, 'cause Kevin's with us," Dean said threateningly.
"Relax," Beau smiled, "We've got a strict 'no casting, no cursing, no supernaturally (roll credits) flicking you two against the wall for the fun of it' policy."
"Really? How'd you manage that?" Sam asked sceptically.
"I am the right hand of a god," Beau said proudly, "Plutus."
"Is that even a planet anymore?" Dean asked, looking proud of himself.
"Dean, that's Plu-TO. Not Plu-TUS," Sam said.
"He's the god of greed," Beau said, "I guess I'll just have to add a plus three to Mr. Kevin's invitation."
He threw the envelope in the air and disappeared.
"Thank you, Mister Peanut!" Dean shouted sarcastically, "Okay, what can we bid?"
"All we have are a few hacked gold cards," Sam pointed out.
"We'll get creative, then," Dean shrugged.
"Well..." Sam said looking at The Car (TM).
"No. I will kill you, your children, and your grandchildren!" Dean said angrilly.
"Okay," Sam held up his hands, "Wait, how... never mind. So, auctions usually display the stuff beforehand, right?"
"So?" Dean asked.
"So, maybe we could have Kevin memorize the spell," Sam finished.
"Think you can do it?" Dean asked Kevin.
"Of course he can," Mrs. Tran scoffed, "If my bumper stickers mean anything."
Later, at some creepy warehouse...
Sam, Kevin, and Mrs. Tran went through a metal detector with no problem. Dean, however, set it off.
"Dean, the system only works when everyone participates," Beau said disdainfully.
Dean groaned and unloaded all the weapons he'd tried to smuggle in. He held up Ruby's knife.
"I'll be back," he said, putting the knife in the box.
The group wandered around, looking at all the stuff that would be auctioned.
"So, how can we tell who's who?" Dean asked.
"Well, they're all monsters," Sam said.
Dean glanced over somewhere and said, "Hey, listen."
They went over to The Demon Tablet (TM). There was a piece of metal on the front.
"Great," Dean sighed.
"Okay, we just need a Plan B," Sam said.
"What exactly was Plan B? Have the Prophet memorize the tablet and then leave?" asked Crowley from behind them, "Hello boys."
Mrs. Tran punched Crowley in the face.
"That was uncalled for," he pouted.
"Stay away from my son," she growled.
Then a bald man came in and said, "Honored guests, please take your seats."
"That's Plutus?" Dean asked, "That? Really?"
Sam nudged him.
"The auction is starting," Beau told the group.
"Nice right hook," Sam told Mrs. Tran (sidenote, I love her. She's so cool and badass. I miss her) as they went to take their seats.
Dean was about to follow when a voice said, "Dean Winchester?"
The voice belonged to a teenage boy in a Weiner Hut uniform.
"Do I know you?" Dean asked.
"No, but I knew Castiel," the boy said.
"You're an angel?" Dean asked skeptically.
"This was the first vessel I could find," the boy said, almost apologetically, "We uh, don't usually come to this sort of thing."
"You're chasin' the tablet?" Dean asked.
"We protect the Word of God," the boy said.
"Well, nice job..." Dean read the boy's name tag, "Alfie."
"Samandriel," the boy corrected him.
"Too long," Dean decided, "I'm stickin' with Alfie."
"Castle," Samandriel said, "What happened to him?"
"We killed Dick Roman and ended up in Purgatory," Dean said.
"You escaped? Did Castiel?" Samandriel asked.
Dean gave him a look that said, "What do you think?"
"He's made a mistake, but some in Heaven believe his heart is in the right place," Samandriel sighed.
"Do you?" Dean asked.
"I think too much heart was Castiel's problem," Samandriel said and walked away.
"Bitch," Dean muttered, and then it was Terror Time again.
Cas was splashing around in a stream.
"Cas!" Dean shouted happily.
"Dean?" Cas asked, standing up.
"Cas," Dean said, walking over to Cas.
He'd only planned on hugging his friend, but instead, he grabbed Cas's face and kissed him. Benny cleared his throat.
"S-sorry," Dean said, blushing.
"I don't mind," Cas said sincerely.
Benny cleared his throat again.
"Oh, this is Benny. Benny, this is Cas," Dean said, throwing an arm around Cas's shoulders.
"Hey," Benny waved.
"How did you find me?" Cas asked.
"The bloody way. How're you feelin'?" Dean asked worriedly.
"You mean am I still..." Cas twirled his finger around his temple.
"Well, yeah," Dean shrugged, "If you wanna be blunt."
"No, I'm completely sane. But 94% of psychotics think they're sane, so I suppose we must ask, 'What is sane?'," Cas said thoughtfully.
"That's a good question," Dean laughed.
"Why'd you ditch Dean?" Benny asked Cas accusingly.
"Dude-"
"No, you get here, Angel-Face here ditches you," Benny said, "I think he owes you an explanation."
"No he doesn't," Dean insisted, "He got jumped and-"
"No," Cas interrupted, "I ran away."
"You ran away?" Dean asked dumbfounded.
"I had to," Cas said, "I'm sorry."
"You left me with those gorilla-wolves and THAT'S your excuse?" Dean asked angrily, stepping back from Cas, "I prayed to you. Every night."
"I know," Cas sighed.
"You knew but you-"
"I am an angel in a land of abominations," Cas interrupted him, "I've been hunted since we got here."
"Join the club!" Dean said.
"The Leviathans (whale demons)... I've got a price on my head. I left to keep them away from you."
"Oh," Dean said quietly.
"Please just go," Cas said quietly.
"Okay," Benny shrugged.
"No. Cas, I need you," Dean said, grabbing Cas's face again, "We're getting outta here."
"I can't," Cas said quietly.
"You can," Dean insisted, "Benny, tell him."
"There's a way out, but I dunno if it works for angels," Benny sighed.
"And I'm not leaving here without you," Dean said stubbornly.
Back in the present day, the auction started. Dean sat down next to Sam.
"Hello Samandriel," Crowley said
The group took out all their money and passed it to Dean.
"How much we got?" Sam whispered.
"We got the hacked gold cards, 2000 dollars, and a... Costco membership card."
Mrs. Tran shrugged.
The first thingy was sold to a woman in sunglasses for five pounds of Dwarves gold, so it was time for Plan C. Unfortunately, they hadn't come up with a Plan C. They didn't even have a Plan B 'till like five minutes ago.
"I'm going to the bathroom," Dean announced.
He followed an auction worker, bumping into him to steal his key.
"Sorry," he apologized.
When the worker left, Dean unlocked the door where all the stuff was being kept. There were two dudes inside.
"This isn't he men's room," Dean said awkwardly.
He saw The Demon Tablet (TM) on the table.
"I'm gonna... go," he said and left.
When he returned to the auction, Mjolnir was being sold.
"The finger bone of Ymir!" Mr. Vili called (okay, so, his bone was pretty small, but the entire world was supposed to be made of Ymir's corpse. Also, why would he have it? Yes, he helped create the world, but why would he keep a bone?).
Plutus shook his head.
"And uh, five-eighths of a virgin," he said, holding up a bloodstained bag that could not hold 5/8 of a virgin, unless said virgin was like, a cat.
"Sold," said Beau.
"Plan C failed," Dean told Sam.
"Maybe you should try Plan D, for 'Dumbass'," Crowley said, "It's like watching a roller skating chicken."
"Next is the Word of God," said Beau.
"Three billion dollars," Crowley called, standing up.
Samandriel also stood up.
"The Mona Lisa," he called.
"The real Mona Lisa, where she's topless."
"Vatican City."
"Alaska."
"Sarah Palin?" Plates snorted, "No thanks."
"Fine," Crowley groaned, "The Moon."
"The Moon?" Dean sputtered.
"Do you really think a man named Buzz goes to space without making a deal?" Crowley asked (he's still alive, though. And the moon landing was more then ten years ago).
Then Beau, using auction language I din't understand, decided to add Kevin to the mix.
"NO! Mrs. Tran shouted frantically, "Please! I'll give you anything! I've got a 401 (k), my house!"
"Mrs. Tran, I'm afraid this is a bit out of your price range," Plutus said sympathetically.
"My soul," Mrs. Tran said, crying.
"NO!" Kevin shouted.
"I bid my soul."
"Souls," Crowley scoffed, "I can give you a million souls."
Plutus explained to Crowley that all the souls in Hell weren't equal to Mrs. Tran's, because she was willingly sacrificing it.
"I bid... my own soul!" Crowley said dramatically.
Plutus laughed, "Mr. Crowley, you don't have a soul."
"Oh yeah," Crowley said.
"Congratulations," Plutus told Mrs. Tran.
"Thank you," Mrs. Tran sobbed, "Thank you."
Crowley stormed out.
Sam, Dean, and Mrs. Tran were alone.
"Is it going to hurt?" Mrs. Tran asked, "Losing my soul?"
"Probably," Dean said bluntly.
"Will... will I die?" she asked nervously.
"No, but you'll wish you had," Sam said.
"Okay," Mrs. Tran said, her voice breaking.
Beau came in.
"It's time," he said.
Sam and Dean stood up.
"You good?" Dean asked Mrs. Tran.
"Yeah. Yeah," she said, as if trying to convince herself, "Can I... can I have a minute?"
The bros. walked away and Samandriel walked up to Mrs. Tran.
"Excuse me," he said, "My name is Sa- Alfie. I'm an angel."
"Who... works at Weiner Hut?" Mrs. Tran asked, confused.
"No, this- whatever," he sighed, "We can protect your son."
"No," Mrs. Tran said firmly, "The last time angels tried to protect Kevin, they died and he went missing for a year."
Samandriel nodded.
(Spongebob voice) A few moments later...
Mr. Vili picked up Mjolnir and hugged it before walking off.
"Where's Kevin?" Dean asked.
Plutus snapped his fingers and Kevin appeared.
"What're you gonna do with her soul?" Sam asked.
Plutus shrugged. "Who knows," he said, "Whenever you're ready..."
He held out his hand to Mrs. Tran, who reached forward to shake it.
"Wait!" Dean shouted.
He grabbed Mrs. Tran's arm and pulled up her sleeve. There was a painful looking burn where her Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM) had been.
"Hello boys," she said in Crowley's voice, somehow.
Her eyes turned red, and with a wave of her hands, Sam and Dean flew away.
"My-my warding spells," Plutus said.
"Your girl Friday (Freya?) showed me a loophole," Crowley shrugged.
And now for another flashback. Basically, Beau pinned Mrs. Tran to a wall and burned off her Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM) with a lighter.
In the present day, Beau stabbed Plutus. Dean grabbed Ruby's knife from The Weapons Box (TM).
"Get outta her!" Kevin shouted.
If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that," Crowley/Mrs. Tran (Mrs. Crowley?) mused.
Then, Dean ran after Mrs. Crowley. Kevin tried to follow, but Sam grabbed his arm. Beau pulled out a gun and started shooting at them, so they hid behind an overturned table with Mr. Vili. Then, Sam killed Beau with Mjolnir (and here's the part where I complain that the whole Mjolnir situation makes no sense. According to the Magnus Chase books, Mjolnir's just really heavy, but Mr. Vili's a skinny old guy. And the "Be he worthy..." stuff... Mr. Vili killed Sharla. Pretty sure that's not worthy.) and Kevin ran out. Then, Sam killed Mr. Vili over the virgin cat.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Crowley was still running away from Dean. Dean shoved them against a wall, and they dropped The Demon Tablet (TM). He pulled out Ruby's knife, but then Kevin came in.
"Mom!" he shouted.
Red smoke came out of Mrs. Tran's mouth (Now'd be a really good time to use that reverse-exorcism thingy, Dean). Then Crowley, back to being Mark Sheppard (as opposed to David Tennant), came in and picked up the tablet.
"Crowley!" Dean shouted, but didn't do anything.
"You know, the Winchesters, well... when they're done with people, they die," Crowley told Kevin.
He then left, in a car that probably has flame decals and bullet-hole stickers.
Later, Mrs. Tran sat, unmoving, in a chair. Sam, Dean, and Kevin stood around her.
"Has she said anything?" Sam asked hopefully.
Kevin shook his head.
"You tried to kill her," he told Dean, "And don't try giving me any excuses. I just wanna talk to my mom. Alone."
"Okay," Sam agreed, "Five minutes."
After like, two minutes, they went back into the room to find Kevin and Mrs. Tran gone.
"What's he thinking?" Sam wondered aloud.
"He thinks people I don't need anymore... die" Dean said unemotionally.
He then had a flashback. He was holding the hand of a scared looking Cas. Then, Cas fell.
"Dean!" he shouted.