A/N: Something I forgot in the first chapter: I am greatly indebted to Kane Lam for the inspiration to my story. It's his story "Through a Looking Glass Darkly" that actually inspire me to write this story. That story's StoryID is 5851704, please also leave a review for him.
Translation Available! My friend morbus-rus has kindly translated my story into Russian: Объяснения и причины ( Story ID 6525059 )
Usual Disclaimer: Mass Effect, its universe, and the characters within, as we know are all owned by BioWare.
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Explanations and Excuses
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Chapter 2: Xenophobia
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Although he already knew what Shepard's answer would be, out of politeness The Illusive Man asked the question anyway.
"Have you spoken to Officer Lawson about our previous... discussion?"
Shepard, as usual, was standing in a military at-ease posture in front of him.
"No need. She'll just repeat what you said to me. She *is* your second-in-command, after all."
The Illusive Man took a drag on his cigarette, and as he tapped the ashes into the ashtray, replied, "Not necessarily. She is very loyal - as you would no doubt have realized by now - but also very bright, and I'm sure you've experienced bearing the brunt of her emotions once."
Shepard just smirked, "Yes, she indeed loves her sister very much, doesn't she?" Before initiating another Quantum Entanglement Communication with Cerberus Command, Shepard had decided that this time he'll play it cool and polite. Don't want to get painted in a corner again, do we?
"There's more than that, but I'll just let you discover what on your own. Now, how may I amuse you this time, Shepard?"
Shepard was slightly intrigued at The Illusive Man's words. More than that? But decided to just let his curiosity go unanswered to directly ask the Cerberus leader another burning question:
"Why do you hate aliens so much?"
For a moment Shepard thought The Illusive Man's controlled smile changed into a grim façade, but it was just too fleeting to be sure.
"Hate the aliens? I don't hate them, as long as they don't try to shackle humanity and preventing us from claiming our rightful place in the galaxy."
"Somehow I find that hard to believe."
"Then, may I draw your attention that there *are* aliens in your squad, Shepard. A turian, a salarian, a krogan, a quarian, an asari, a drell... and may I remind you that it was *I* that handpicked them."
Shepard nodded. At least, he had to give some credit for that to The Man.
Noticing the nod, The Illusive Man continued, "Have you found any crewmember outside your squad that actually hate aliens? Have you actually see, or even heard rumors, about any crewmember disrespectful of the aliens? And why do you think I went through all the troubles to find you a yeoman that's also skillful at xenopsychology? Now contrast that to the crew of the SR-1, and please tell me, which crew is more accommodating with aliens?"
Shepard just stood there with mixed feelings. He agreed with The Illusive Man's earlier sentences, but his last question triggered something within him.
"Don't you dare smear the members of the SR-1! They are willing to give their lives for any mission! They are one of the best crew I've had the honor of serving with!"
The Illusive Man lifted up both his hands and avoided Shepard's gaze. "Alright, alright," he said somewhat apologetically, "I apologize. I did *not* mean to disrespect the SR-1 crew. But objectively," he returned his gaze to Shepard, "Can you *objectively* declare that there is *no* SR-1 crew that does not have *any* prejudice when they *first* meet the aliens?"
The Illusive Man's apology succeeded in somewhat cooling down the commander, allowing him to think. Pressly was suspicious of the aliens, although later he'd proudly claim to entrust them with his life... Anderson had doubts... Joker even sometimes voiced his concern... And the admirals were none-too-pleased... and Ashley was...
The Illusive Man just nodded as he watched Shepard wrestling with his memories of his former crew. The Illusive Man just sat silently, drawing some lungful of smoke from the cigarette as Shepard closed his eyes and shake his head from side to side, biting his lower lip, and trying to recall the memories of the SR-1 crew.
"Bittersweet memories," The Illusive Man commented softly, yet loud enough to draw Shepard out of his reverie. "Again, I apologize for making you relive your time aboard the SR-1. But like I had previously said – though in a different way – if you really wanted the truth, Shepard, you'll have to be ready for the unpleasantness."
Shepard opened his eyes, and answered, "I understand. But the news channels have regularly reported on Cerberus attacks and sabotages. And Cerberus is well-known for their xenophobic reputation. Surely there can't be a smoke without a fire."
The Illusive Man scoffed at Shepard's words. "You've been in N7. Surely you know better than to take those news without a grain of salt. Or, should I say, *huge* grains of salt."
Shepard nodded. This time, he agreed with the enigmatic Cerberus leader. But he still pressed on, "But even fabricated news need something to anchor them to reality, even manufactured facts. And as I see it, the charges stick very well to Cerberus. Surely you can't deny that fact."
"No, I do not deny that fact, Shepard," The Illusive Man answered casually, blowing a copious amount of smoke in the air. Too effin' damn casually, Shepard thought.
"So there *indeed* is some xenophobic elements in Cerberus. Care to tell me more on that?"
The Illusive Man crushed his cigarette and leaned back on his chair, crossed his right leg over his left, and steepled his hands, his index finger just touching his lower lip. His eyes gazed deeply into Shepard's, as if trying to determine if the commander was worthy enough for what he about to say.
They kept staring at each other for a long time. Then abruptly The Illusive Man broke the silence, "I am sorry Shepard, I can't possibly answer that question in a satisfactory way. Why don't you have a conversation with Officer Lawson?"
Shepard was caught unaware as he heard The Illusive Man's answer. Why bring up Miranda? "But surely you as the leader of Cerberus – the face of Cerberus, for all I know – have all the reasons —"
"This conversation is finished, Shepard," The Illusive Man cut over his sentence, as he turned his chair to face away from Shepard. "Go talk to Officer Lawson. I have other things to attend to. Cerberus Command out."
~ o ~ O ~ o ~
The holo projection of The Illusive Man flickered and disappeared, leaving an intrigued commander standing alone in the conference room.
At least I found something that rankled Cerberus' top brass, he thought to himself. Satisfied that he had found a button to push on the seemingly unshakable Cerberus leader, Shepard left the room.
~ o ~ O ~ o ~
From : Cerberus Central Command
To : Officer Miranda Lawson
Miss Lawson,
Please entertain any questions Shepard has for you. Tell him all he needs to know.
Remember, 'all he needs to know'.
Rgds,
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The Illusive Man
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Miranda raised an eyebrow. What's going on? She asked himself. She knew that Shepard has been conferencing with The Illusive Man back and forth for the past couple of days. But what could be so complex that The Illusive Man can't answer for himself…
Just as she was trying to guess what could be the problem, her door annunciator chimed.
"Come in."
"Got a minute, Miss Lawson?" Miranda lifted up her head and saw the commander standing in the doorway. She could've sworn there's a slight smirk pasted on his face. Must be a trick of light.
"Come in, commander. You know, to what honor do you see fit to visit me at this time," she asked as Shepard entered and seated himself on the chair across hers. "At this time of day, you're usually bantering with Mr. Vakarian and Ms. Zorah, reminiscing about the times aboard the prior Normandy vessel."
Something in her voice intrigued Shepard. Immediately he recalled something The Illusive Man has said. But deciding to not investigate that yet, he pressed on with what was on his mind when he entered.
"Tell me, Miss Lawson. Why is Cerberus identical with xenophobia, while everything I've experienced up to now," he spoke, his spreading as if to indicate everything around him, "indeed does not give me a sense of one?"
Miranda smirked. "We do not control the news channels, Shepard. At least, not yet. The Alliance, however… all terran news channels are practically their puppies."
Shepard nodded. "But even for false news to gain hold, for them to be remotely believable, there's gotta be something to tie those news to Cerberus. Someone hasn't been honest with me. So, what I wanted to know is," Shepard leaned on Miranda's desk, his hands together, as he closed the distance with her and spoke with conspiratorial voice.
"Does Cerberus indeed harbor no ill feeling toward the aliens, maybe a xenophobia hidden behind the seemingly honorable desire of 'protecting humanity first and foremost, no matter the cost'?"
Without her realizing it, Miranda had gradually leaned back away from Shepard as he closed the distance. Yet the commander's movement has resulted in his face completely filling her view. Those eyes… eyes that I did not expect to open again, even after 2 years of work… um, what? "Uh, I don't quite understand you commander. If I may rephrase your question, were you asking if we have ulterior motives, perhaps a desire of committing xeno-genocide, just in the name of protecting humanity?"
Shepard pondered her words for awhile, before smiling and answering, "There's that, yes. There's another question bugging my mind, but let's hear what you have to say first."
Miranda nearly chuckled, but managed to regain control of her composure just in time. He's so damn comforting to be around. So skillful at making others feel at ease.
"Well, the answer then would be, no unless it is of the utmost necessity. A case in point would be the design of the original Normandy, which shows the amazing skill the turians have in designing military vessels."
"Which you have improved upon with this vessel, I see. I'm not complaining about that, although that big bed in the loft sometimes makes me feel lonely," Shepard answered with a smile, before realizing that he might have just said something… untoward. "Um, please continue."
Miranda just raised an eyebrow at Shepard's apparent slip of the tongue. "Well, that's it, commander. And your second question is?"
Shepard silently wished he could kick himself in the behind when he realized that he was flustered. "Uh, the second question, um… if Cerberus doesn't explicitly have xenophobic tendencies, then why does the Alliance seem so hell-bent on painting Cerberus as one? On what grounds?"
"There are… some background of the Cerberus that… once had strong xenophobic tendencies… But the tendencies are no longer, I assure you."
"Explain to me please."
"I do not see why knowing such… background, will assist you in carrying your missions —"
"I need to know if I can really trust Cerberus with my squad, if by assisting you guys I won't be putting the lives of my alien friends in danger."
"Again, I assure you, the Cerberus has no wish of jeopardizing the lives of —"
"Then explain it to me, Miranda."
Miranda caught her breath as she heard Shepard calling her with her first name. I… he never… Miranda shook her head, then looked to her right towards the door, wishing to avoid Shepard's gaze. All he needs to know. Right.
"Alright. Commander —"
"Please, call me Shepard."
Miranda nods, "Shepard." Just saying that name somehow made her stomach aflutter. She took a deep breath. "You truly have never been married; much less have any children on your own, have you?"
Shepard sighed. What is it with Cerberus answering questions with more questions? "No, I am positively and undoubtedly un-married, and I have no next of kin at all. That is, if you discount distant nephews and nieces I may have somewhere in the galaxy."
Miranda nodded again. "But The Illusive Man had. A wife and a daughter, to be exact. A long, long time ago, when humanity is just starting to reach to the stars. He lost them when the science vessel they were in was attacked during a survey to a newly-found mass relay. The vessel was only lightly guarded, and the attackers never sent them any warning. The Alliance managed to retrieve their bodies and provided for the funeral. But they never caught the perpetrators; much less bring them to justice."
The revelation struck Shepard like a lightning. Now he can begin to understand everything. Why The Illusive Man was so hell-bent on giving humanity an edge in battles. Why he was so bitter with the Alliance. Why he was unable to put in words on why Cerberus was known as a xenophobic terrorist organization. All those ruthlessness, all those horrific acts… The Illusive Man was not evil; the devil had visited him in person, and gutted his heart.
Miranda just watched Shepard from across her desk, worry started to line her face. God, please do not let him think that all of this is just some made-up sob story.
After some moments of uneasy silence, Shepard rose from his chair. "I see."
"It was all true, Shepard. You can check —"
Shepard lifted a hand to politely interrupt Miranda. "I did not say that you lied to me. I just… I need some time to think on this. Alone. I'll be in my quarters, and no one is to disturb me for the next couple of hours."
Miranda just nodded, her gaze following the commander as he made his way out of her office/quarters, her heart wishing she could accompany him as the door swished shut.
~ o ~ O ~ o ~
From : Officer Miranda Lawson
To : Cerberus Central Command
Sir,
I am sorry, but there is no way I can evade his question. So I've told him.
Sincerely,
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Miranda Lawson
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The Illusive Man nodded. Lawson. Do you think I don't know of your thoughts about Shepard? Well, the cat's out of the bag. No use crying over spilt milk, so we'll just cross the bridge when the time comes.
"Lights out. Terminals off. Music on."
The Illusive Man leaned back on his chair as the VI turned off the lights and the terminals, allowing him to see the star that's been gracing his office. As Pachelbel's Canon started wafting over the speakers, he opened a gold locket he had in his hands, and looked longingly at the holos within.
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Author's Note: Special greetz to JadedObserver which gave me that cool almost-slogan! :D
Next Chapter: The quarians enter the picture!
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Edit 01: Rewrite the A/Ns, make the decorations uniform. Better spacers.