Amy's Point of View
It started out as an experiment. I only went on a date once a year, and it was always just to prove a point to my mother that men were not interesting and that she should stop nagging me about it. For the first time, the dating site found a real match for me, a man whose intelligence was in the same universe as mine, which is a way to say that it never happened to me before. He was called Sheldon Cooper. He was a brilliant scientist, just like I was. We were a perfect match. We could talk about things I never could talk about with him and he would know what I was talking about instead of just staring at me like a deer in front of car lights. It was a change. A good one. It also gave me a social life, since I started meeting the people around him. I met the boys. I also met Penny, who changed my views on a lot of things. Who showed me what it was to be a woman. Up to that point, it never occurred to me that it might be of any relevance. She was kind of a role model to me, only I could never do or be anything like she was. She opened my eyes on a lot of things. Including men.
After seeing Zack in a bar and getting some kind of reaction from my body, I started seeing Sheldon as an experiment that could go further than I thought. Like he could be some kind of physical (in the literal sense of the word) experience. It would not be easy, but I could at least try. However, the subject of my experiment did not cooperate as much as I wanted him to. He controlled all the emotions I was trying to awake in him. Once, I took him by the hand and he responded, but it was so quick that I did not even realize he actually took my hand too before I got home that night and thought back about it. I knew I had to try something else.
Sheldon told me I did kiss him one night when he was back with me at the apartment, but I just don't remember that part. There must have been a reason why I did that however, since I know that alcohol can reduce the brain to a vulgar sponge and let all human inhibitions run free. I'm pretty sure I took this opportunity to experiment what kissing him was like. Since it took forever to get another one, I'm always sad that I just don't remember this one.
I remember, however, the first time he took me in his arms. After a round of negotiation that started with an intensive sex offer from my side and finished with a neck massage from his side, we agreed on cuddling. It was so awkward at first, but as I slowly relaxed in his arms, I started feeling something good coming out of this. A feeling of serenity I never felt before. I was still angry at the girls for going dress shopping without me, but this physical contact awoke in my body a craving for more. It started something. I just didn't know it yet.
I realized I had some impact on his life when I went out with Stuart and it annoyed him. Was it possible that he could actually have feelings for me? It made him take a step towards me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. That was a big step in both our lives. It was not just an experiment anymore. There was a possibility, however slim, to actually have a man in my life. To have a connection with a man. This is where my heart started counting in all this story. And boy, I was in for a real treat.
In the next couple of years, every time we would take a tiny step forward, we would take 3 giant steps back. I just couldn't get him to open up. The few reactions I could get from him were when I was angry at him for not taking me into account. He then would do or say something that made me hope again. Like the time he offered me a tiara after acting like a complete idiot and not taking into account how important having my article published was for me. Or the time he gave me this beautiful speech telling me how he felt when we look in each other's eyes when I threatened to end our relationship. It was a painful process, no question about it. I just wondered if it was a process that was worth it. My heart would take beating after beating, but somehow I kept coming back. And hoping. No matter what he did, this hope I had of him being the man I wanted him to be did not die. I kept hoping that one day, I would be a real part of his life, not just his girlfriend by name but also by body and soul.
The only time he ever gave himself to me was on that train, on Valentine's Day. It was THE worst Valentine's Day you can imagine, having to spend it alone with a couple in love and your Valentine talking to a guy about trains like it was the most fascinating thing in the world to talk about. Again, my good intentions were backfiring on me. Again, I felt sad and angry at him. Only this time, when I mentioned that we were supposed to spend a romantic weekend together, he got angry too. He started making a scene by drinking wine, which he hated, looking me in the eyes in a ridiculous way, and kissing me. But the point got lost in this kiss that became our very first romantic kiss, when he actually pulled me towards him and slid his arms around my waist. I couldn't breathe. It was so amazing. I just didn't know what to do. I was scared that if I actually touched him, he would back off and I would lose that spark we created. There was no turning back now. I knew I loved him. I was sure that he was a new man, that he would want to do this over and over again, because it felt so good. But feeling wasn't Sheldon's greatest assess. I spent almost a year after that hoping that this spark would come back. But it didn't come back. And I didn't want this Sheldon anymore. I wanted the one that kissed me that night on the train. The one that awoke desire and passion in me. The one that told me he loved me on the fake prom night and made me panic.
On the night of our 5 year anniversary, after we were kissing on his couch and he asked me a stupid question about a stupid TV show, it hit me. He would never change. I was hoping for something that would never happen. Yes, he could be sweet sometimes, but it wasn't enough anymore. I needed more. I needed the Sheldon Cooper that kissed me on the train, and he wouldn't give it to me. It was time for me to move on, to find somebody that would actually want me. Not just my intelligence, but my body and soul too. Even if it meant I would have to break up with the only man I have ever loved. And always live with this tiny voice in my head that says that maybe, just maybe, he could have changed. I just couldn't do it in front of him, so I did it by webcam. I will never know why he called that night and what he wanted to say to me but it didn't matter anymore. I needed time.
So I started dating other men, trying to figure out what to do but he was always there. Literally. I don't know what I triggered in him after that, but he just wouldn't leave me alone. Maybe he did care for me after all. Maybe he did love me. Was it enough for me to live with?
That day at the aquarium, when we were together and we played that game he invented, it made me realize how much I loved him. How much I missed him. How I made a mistake, and wanted him back in my life. But he rejected me when I asked him to be my boyfriend again. My heart broke, again. It was over. I really would have to move on.
So I called Dave back and we went on another date. It was strange to be on a date with a guy who had as much of a crush as I did on Sheldon. At least this one seemed to be normal, wanting to go on a normal date and paying some attention to me. So here I was. There was just one thing that didn't work. I was sitting on my couch with a man other than the one I love. That just didn't make sense. It shouldn't be this way. I should be with him. Only he didn't want me anymore. I knew I had to get over this, but my heart kept hoping for a miracle that I know will never happen.
I told Dave I didn't know what I was waiting for. Who was I kidding? I was waiting for him. For the love of my life to show up and tell me how wrong he was, how sorry he is and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Ironically, he chose this exact moment to knock on my door. I got so nervous that I unlocked my unlocked door before I opened it. And there he was. My Sheldon. Fragile and timid like I've never seen him before. Staring through me with his beautiful blue eyes. I told him it wasn't a good time. He just replied that he didn't care. He told me about this song in his head that made him think about me. That this song made him understand how important I was for him. That I was his heartworm. I had no idea what he was talking about, so Dave chose that exact moment to introduce himself and to explain to me what Sheldon was trying to say. I did not want him to back up, so I asked him to keep going. And that's when he told me. In those eyes I could see a new Sheldon, the one I kissed on the train, and I knew before he even said it what my answer was. Yes, I wanted to be his girlfriend again. I felt so relieved that this breakup thing was finally over. His answer was : "Good. Because I love you." My heart skipped at least 3 beats, and in a breath I finally answered that I loved him too. I couldn't help but smile. Everything was perfect. The only thing missing was him kissing me. His hesitation led Dave to finally tell him to kiss me. My heart was beating so loud I couldn't hear anything. All I could do was feel. He slowly leaned towards me and his lips finally touched mine, like it was supposed to be. I could feel his left hand on my neck, his right hand on my back pulling me towards him. It was heavenly. I never wanted this to end. When we parted, he looked at me shyly and said he would let me get back to my date. But he was not going anywhere. He was mine, all mine. I grabbed him by the arm and told him to get back here. I felt his lips on mine again, and lost all control on time, space, or anything I use to control in my life. For once, Sheldon Cooper was not in control. Neither was I. We did not control anything. We were controlled only by the beating of our hearts going wild, and our lips playing together in harmony. And no feeling on earth can be better than this one.