Mells is going to be in a shitty mood for a while because I've been in a shitty mood. I apologize. By Sunday he should improve and things may just get all lovey dovey. For now, enjoy Mello bitching about his nonexistent relationship. Feedback = love.
Again, I own none of these characters blah blah blah.
Feb. 10th
He was with that other boy today. Damn, Matt gets around. I wouldn't have cared so much if he told me himself. The fact that I heard it from that little brat… My best friend couldn't fucking tell me about his first time. I never thought it would happen like this. First of all, I thought it would be with me rather than some random bastard he found out of the blue.
I don't even know who the guy is. Well, I've seen him around before. He wears these gay silk shirts and skinny blue jeans; he looks like one of those Spanish assholes who think they're sauve or something. My Matt has such bad taste in men. A leather clad blonde would look so much better at his side. I will admit he could be trying to get revenge for that time Jade came on to me. It was nothing monumental, but Matt was pretty pissed about it. At the time, I had been "seeing" Matt, though we never actually did anything. That was hard, being with someone knowing your relationship has nowhere to go. Matt claimed we were "developing mentally", but I see no difference between that and regular friendship.
Jade came up to me one day during our free time. He liked me. He wanted me. Matt never made me feel the way Jade managed to. Well, Matt walked in on us in the act. Jade was on his knees and I was making a good amount of noise with my fingers laced into his hair. I hadn't meant for it to go that far, it's just hard to say no to such persistence. Matt refused to talk to me for a week afterwards. When he "got over it" we went back to being just friends. I even lowered myself enough to beg him to take me back. I held on to hopes that he would, eventually. That whole mess happened months ago and I woke up every day praying it would be the day he realized he needed me. Today those hopes were shattered.
I'm glad I didn't walk in on them. I would have been physically ill; I'm sick just thinking about it. Even Roger has been worrying about me today. Hell, I'm worried about myself. I want to tell Matt what a horrible mistake it was for me to cheat on him all those months ago. I want to tell him I would never have sex again in my life if it meant I could spend that time with him. I'm just so fucking angry with everyone. I guess it's childish to throw a tantrum when denied what you want, but I really don't care. I feel empty, hollow. If you pounded a fist against my chest I would echo; there's nothing inside.
I will never admit this, but I know I'm spoiled and impossible to please. One day I'll be the head of some vigilante gang and take out my unquenchable anger that way. For now, I just bitch about every little thing. Although, I honestly believe if Matt was by my side through it all I could turn out okay. Matt is the reasonable part of my brain; my personified sanity. Near seems to agree because he has been extremely cautious around me lately like I'm a ticking time bomb. He's even said to me, "It would be beneficial for you to sort out your differences with Matt, Mello." I can smell his fear from a mile away and don't blame him in the least. He should be scared shitless. I'm at a breaking point.
The only one who hasn't noticed is Matt himself. We hardly even talk anymore. I haven't had an actual conversation with him since the 7th. I don't know how that managed to happen seeing as we share a room. I just want my Sanity to stop screwing someone else and come back to me. This is the equivalent of pounding away at glass: At first there is only a few little cracks, but as the beating continues the little cracks branch out into a spider web and shatter the glass completely. The trouble with breaking glass isn't just the mess the glass will make but also the millions of sharp shards that go flying at anyone standing in the way. All of Wammy's will go up in flames. The whole institution be ripped apart at the seams and a bunch of other threatening metaphors that I don't have the patience to come up with. God, Matt, just get your ass back in my life.