Chapter Two
(in self-esteem class)
(Mr. Oishi is up front, as usual; Kagami and Konata are passing a drawing back and forth)
Mr. Oishi - So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone? (points to a boy) Yes.
Boy - We're... talking about us!
Mr. Oishi - Excellent! When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking about "us." Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you. (points to Kagami) What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?
Kagami - Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together for a change.
Mr. Oishi - Excellent!
Kagami - Something that will really make them suffer.
Mr. Oishi - Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think. (bell rings) We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed.
(students file out the door)
Konata - Nice one, Kagamin.
Kagami - Thanks.
(Mr. Oishi picks up the discarded drawing, and becomes concerned: it's a drawing of an ice cream cone with his face on it, being attacked by a rabid wolf)
(at Kagami's house; the family is eating dinner)
Tadao - How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo?
Kagami - My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childish epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem.
Tadao - (distressed) Really?
Kagami - No.
Tadao - (laughs) Isn't she great? She's the greatest.
Miki - She sure is. But what does your self-esteem teacher say?
Kagami - He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I guess Tsukasa's here to stay.
Tsukasa - What's that supposed to mean?
Kagami - You ought to know. You're the only child.
Tsukasa, angry - How would you like to have a sister with a... a "thing"!
Miki - Come on, Kagami dear, finish what you were saying.
Kagami - I thought, why don't we go to Pixie Land like we did when we were kids?
(Miki, Tadao, and Tsukasa begin to freak out)
Tsukasa – That awful theme park with the singing freaks in costumes?
Kagami - Boy, do I miss those songs.
(at the Pixie Land theme park)
(the Hiiragis are seated at a booth; Miki and Tadao are slightly nauseated, Tsukasa is mightily pissed off, and Kagami is enjoying every minute of their torture as the animal singers implore them to join in)
Kagami - (sings the Japanese Frog Song with English lyrics) I-can-hear-the-frogs-sing-ing,
I-can-hear-the-frogs-sing-ing… (smirks)
(at Konata's house)
(Konata and Kagami are in Konata's room; the TV is muted as the stereo plays on)
Kagami – Hey. Show's back on.
(Konata clicks the music off and un-mutes the TV)
ZS Announcer - And now, back to Zetsubou Sekai.
(literally, "Despair World")
(the ZS logo is replaced by the image of a woman and a very elderly man, each seated in high-backed leather chairs in a fancy-looking study)
ZS Reporter - This is just astounding! Here you are, blind, deaf, and barely able to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the British Royal Family! The question on all of our viewers' minds is: how did you do it?
Old Man - (leans forward) What?
Konata - She doesn't get it. It's the British Royal Family. You'd have to be blind.
Kagami – Nice one.
Konata, leaning in for a knuckle bump - Bump it.
(the TV image now shifts to an overview of otaku-choked Akihabara)
ZS Reporter - Akihabara, once sneered at as the domain of so-called "otaku," has become big, big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people each year, people as sane and rational as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity about the lifestyles of this fascinating subculture.
(a nerdy-looking kid with a big nose steps into view)
Akito - Hi! I'm Akito.
ZS Reporter – Hello there. Tell me, what brought you here today, Akito-san?
Akito - It was a cone-shaped craft about 15 feet long, with an air speed of, oh, I'd estimate Mach 12. They kidnapped and stripped me, examined me briefly, returned my clothes, and dropped me here.
ZS Reporter - (skeptical) I... see.
Akito - They cleaned my uniform. And did a nice job.
Kagami – Hey, Konata: You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right?
Konata – Yeah, I've got them all in my notebook. Why do you ask?
Kagami - Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?
Konata – But then how would I spend my afternoons?
Kagami - Akihabara.
Konata, excited – Yeah! Now we're cookin' with gas!
(in self-esteem class)
(Mr. Oishi is once again holding court to his captive audience)
Mr. Oishi - And so, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it.
Boy – Oishi-sensei, Oishi-sensei?
Mr. Oishi - Yes, um... you.
Boy - Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?
Mr. Oishi - Never been born. (bell rings) See you all tomorrow! (to Konata and Kagami, who have stayed behind) Hi! Did you need clarification on something we covered today?
Kagami - We feel really good about ourselves.
Konata – We've both decided to take the graduation test.
Mr. Oishi - Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But there's still three more weeks of class left.
Kagami - This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you teach.
Mr. Oishi - (flattered) Oh, well... thank you very much. (to Konata) You know, you look familiar somehow...
Kagami - So can we take the test?
Mr. Oishi - Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so. (grabs test) Okay, question one: "Self-esteem is important because..."
Kagami, reciting from memory - It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives.
Mr. Oishi - Very good. Now, "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..."
Konata, reciting - Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are special. No one else is like you."
Mr. Oishi - You two really have been paying attention! Okay, "There's no such thing..."
Kagami - As the right weight.
Konata - Or the right height.
Kagami and Konata, in unison – There is only what is right for me, because me is who I am.
Mr. Oishi - I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really pleased! I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly!
(the girls' faces fall as they realize their plan has backfired in a big way)
(in the school auditorium)
(Ms. Li is at the podium; the teachers are seated behind her, with Konata and Kagami seated at the far end)
Ms. Li - And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than 40,000 Yen, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. Oishi has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.
(Mr. Oishi stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause)
Kagami - This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.
Konata – Hmm…Usually when I have this dream I'm butt naked.
Mr. Oishi - Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until, one day, you go to shift gears and nothing happens.
Kid - (yells) That's transmission fluid!
(tittering and catcalls from audience)
Mr. Oishi - That's... what I meant. Anyway, I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to... Izumi Konata and Hiiragi Kyou.
(meager applause)
Konata - Oh, what the heck. (steps up to podium)
(meager applause dies)
Konata - I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (smirks and glances at Kagami, then turns on the histrionics) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something.
(audience begins chuckling at Konata's behavior as Kagami looks on, approvingly)
Konata - I, uh…(blushing and bursting into tears on command) I want to go home! (lets out some exaggerated sobs, complete with arm to forehead, and runs off the stage)
(audience laughs as Mr. Oishi runs after her)
Mr. Oishi – Kyou-kun, wait!
Kagami - (steps up to podium) No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes good coaching...
(in the audience, Tsukasa is seated between two boys, looking bored and a little uneasy)
Guy - Who cares about these losers?
Kaoru - Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it? (chortles and high-fives his buddy) Did you hear what I said, Hii-chan? I said, like, who cares how bad this is - it's still better than algebra!
Guy – Nice one, Kaoru. (cackles)
Tsukasa, uneasy – Yeah, funny. That's really funny, Kaoru.
Kagami, uninterrupted - ...realize my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family.
Kaoru - Is that loser still talking? (cackles and high-fives his buddy again)
Kagami - And so, the one person I'd like to thank more than any other is my very own sister, Tsukasa Hiiragi. (audience gasps; Tsukasa's jaw drops to the floor) My sister Tsukasa has forgotten more about self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there, sis? Stand up and let me thank you.
(Two spotlights come down directly on Tsukasa, who cringes and tries to hide as her friends turn to gape at her)
Kaoru - That, like, brain is your sister?
Kid - Are you a brain, too?
(Kagami smirks)
(at Kagami's house)
(the family is at the kitchen table; Tsukasa is having a royal fit)
Tsukasa - So then, she gets up in front of the whole school and makes a big deal about thanking me!
Miki - That's really sweet of you, honey.
Tadao – Yeah, Good for you, Kagami!
Tsukasa - Ooooh! (slams fists on table) I'll have to lock myself in my room until I die! I'll never talk to anyone again! (phone rings) That's for me. (picks up phone) Hello? Masahiro-kun? (walks out of kitchen)
Tadao - What was she so upset about, exactly?
Kagami - She felt I should have thanked you and Mom as well.
Miki - No, we should thank you for being such a good girl. Graduating from self-esteem school three weeks early is quite an achievement.
Kagami - Maybe we should all go out and celebrate.
Miki - Oh, I'd love to, Kagami, but... (holds up her day planner)
Tadao - Yeah. We'll take a rain check, though.
Kagami - I don't know. My self-esteem feels like it's starting to slip.
(in Akihabara)
(the Hiiragis are in attendance; once again, Miki and Tadao look uneasy, while Tsukasa would rather be anywhere else, and Kagami is basking in their humiliation)
Kagami - Let's go get our picture taken with Sergeant Frog.
Tadao - Uh... sure, honey. Whatever you want. (Kagami, Tadao, and Miki walk off-screen)
Miki (O.S.) – Tsukasa, are you coming?
Tsukasa - I'll wait here... or in the ladies' room…or maybe back at the train stop.
Tadao (O.S.) - Okay. We'll be right back.
(a familiar-looking boy walks up to Tsukasa)
Akito - Hi! I'm Akito. You're cool.
Tsukasa- (shivers) Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up! (runs after her family)
(closing credits)