Disclaimer: SSDD
Warnings: Language and sexual innuendo - also implied slash - don't like it - don't read it.
Author's note: Here's the latest column - see the entire Enterprise Enterprise at Live Journal via the link ...somewhere... like - maybe my profile page...
dangit - I've been up for 30 hours - don't expect me to THINK!
The Absolutely Awesome Advisor
Dear Triple A:
My former boyfriend is now dating someone else on board. I hate this person. Well, not hate exactly. But still. How can my ex-boyfriend date this person who I can't stand? What does they say about me? I'm still the hottest being on this or any other starship but he still dumped me. Well, I dumped him but I promised I wouldn't admit it because of that whole male ego thing. Whatever.
Sincerely,
Trying to Communicate Clearly
___
Dear Trying to Communicate,
'Clearly' you don't understand the level of the bond between your ex and his new significant other.
I think the real problem here is that you are only looking at it from your own point of view. You are taking it personally that he is dating the ONE person on board that you can't stand, as if he is doing it on purpose to hurt you – but the truth of it is – he's not.
I understand why you feel this way, I really do, but the thing of it is, his choosing to date this new partner has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with HIS wants and needs.
If you care anything at all about him, look and see how happy he is now, and you'll be okay with it, no matter what you think of the person he is dating. When you love someone, you are supposed to want them to be happy – which he is! More happy than he's ever been in his life in fact – which I know – because he tells me so on a regular basis.
Look – you and your ex's new partner have your differences, I get that, but maybe it would be more beneficial to everyone involved if the two of you could agree to set aside those differences for the sake of your ex, whom I know you still care about, or it wouldn't bother you so much that he is dating someone you don't get along with. I'm pretty sure your ex's new partner would be willing to do this if you are.
If you aren't... well then I'd like to point out that – by your own admission – YOU dumped HIM – so what difference does it make?
And I really hate to say this...but if you are truly unwilling or unable to just be happy for him because he's happy - then that's YOUR problem and you need to...
A – get laid
B – get OVER yourself
and
C – get bent!
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A:
Tell me, laddie, what should I do about a certain miniature sized crewmember who always takes me sandwiches? If he got sucked out an airlock, totally accidentally of course, just how much trouble could I…or the person who accidentally left the airlock open be in?
Sincerely,
Only Asking
___
Dear Only Asking,
You and I both know that if Keenser got sucked out an airlock, you'd be inconsolable. He's your best friend – and you care about him, in your own weird way.
Your relationship is… complicated... You are unnecessarily rude to him – he steals your sandwiches and tells me... um … people.... what cards you are holding in your hand when you are drunk on poker night. It works for you – much like the Captain's weird relationship with Dr. McCoy... or Spock's weird relationship with Dr. McCoy.... Just go with it.
As for the sandwiches you have three options.
A- Hide them better?
B – Eat them before he can get to them – I know you can do this.
Or my Personal favorite...
C – Make him one. – You can attract more bees with honey than vinegar – or at least that's what my mom always told me. The point is, a little consideration goes a long way.
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A:
The person who sits next to me on Alpha shift keeps talking to me about his impressive sword and asking me if I want to come to his quarters sometime to see it. Aren't all weapons restricted on board? Could he mean something else?
Sincerely,
Confused and Curious
___
Dear Confused,
OMFG...
Tell that horny bastard to STFU about his sword and start listening to me before he scares you away and loses you.
Dumb bastard.
Also tell him that I still have that BOOK in my quarters - he'll know what I mean – and that he better come get it and USE it – if he cares anything about YOU and this isn't just all about his fucking SWORD!
Speaking of which – tell him he better hope it's not just about his Sword – Or I'll kick his ass!
Sincerely,
AAA
Dear Triple A:
Are you out of your mind? Seriously? You called me out on giving you too many hyposprays?
In your "advice column" no less?
I'll give you some advice: Stay away from me!
Until further notice. Or until hell freezes over.
Whichever comes last.
And - If you get hurt, you better hope a certain pointy-ear bastard can cure you with plomeek soup and a Band-Aid. 'Cause you ain't gettin' nothin' from me. Ever again.
___
Dear Crotchety Assed Bastard,
I took the liberty of choosing a pseudonym for you since you didn't include one yourself. I found it quite apropos, didn't you?
If the 'Nothing' you are referring to is medical attention, we both know you are full of shit clear to your Adam's apple.
A - You love me too much to see me suffer.
B - It would be against your precious Hippocratic oath to let me suffer and not treat my injuries – which you would NEVER go against. You may be an ass – but you have an immense amount of professional integrity.
Which brings me to point
C - You have to treat me – it's your job – and I'm the Ca.... person... to whom... you have to … give treatment... or face court-martial.
So go blow smoke up somebody else's ass.
If the "Nothing" you are referring to is in actuality a completely different Nothing – which I think it IS... Guess what?
GOOD – I don't care!
In case you haven't noticed – I'm doing just fine on my own – Oh wait – YOU DID notice – and that's your problem.
Look – you and I both laid out the rules on the table – literally – back when you and I were getting 'something' from each other at the academy - then we laid... something else... on the same table...
ANYWAY – my point is – we agreed that it wasn't a relationship – that it was just... well.. you know... and that neither one of us would get attached emotionally... so what is your fucking problem?
That was years ago...and we quit … doing that... you know... after... well.. you know, the whole - 'I have a girlfriend now – and it's just not right' thing - and even though you didn't date her very long – then we never... well.. you knowed again cuz it just got awkward and we agreed never to bring it up again.
Yet here you are – acting all jealous and like your fucking feelings are hurt or you're in love with me or something and.........
Oh my gawd......
Holy Shit......
Crap on a CRACKER......
SERIOUSLY!!! ???
You aren't serious??
SHIT! - You are aren't you?
FUCK
Jeezus... I... I mean I didn't....shit....
I'm on my way to your office – you and I have some serious talking to do.
For what it's worth – I'm sorry... I just didn't realize...
AAA