Author's Introduction
Greetings, little First Years, my name is Theodore Nott. Unbeknownst to the rest of the faculty – who see me only as "that Scrawny Slytherin Boy" – I have been secretly observing them from afar and compiling this, the ultimate guide to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In here, you midgets will find everything you need to know about students, teachers, classes and much, much more. There are even pointers for when you lot finally move up in the world and achieve the rank of Second Years. Use this book well, and you may make it through your first term here. Perhaps. Don't get your hopes up.
Just remember, dear midgets, that even our Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, was once like you: terrified, alone, and very, very short. The only way to go from the bottom of the food chain is up. That is, if you can escape being driven insane by Peeves, hung by your thumbs in the dungeons by Filch, blown up by the Weasley twins, crushed to First Year Jam by Crabbe and/or Goyle, murdered by one of our Gamekeepers more excitable "pets" or eaten alive by Snape. You have been warned.
Good luck, ickle Firsties. I shall be watching your pathetic attempts.
Theodore Nott