02.
I woke to the sound of knocking on my door. Cracking an eye open, disoriented with my surroundings, I looked around the unfamiliar, yet familiar room remembering where I was.
My room was uncharacteristically dark, the Phoenix sun a distance memory in this rainy, cold, dreary town. At least Forks matched my views on life, I thought bitterly to myself. My suitcase stood pushed against the wall where Charlie had set it down yesterday, I never awoke from my nap to unpack my scarce belongings.
"There's some breakfast downstairs." Charlie's voice, muffled from behind my closed door, said to me.
I was fairly certain Charlie's breakfast would not match the breakfast I had in mind. Lately I was pretty much on solely a liquid diet. Food had lost its appeal to me a few months prior.
"Not hungry." I rasped, clearing my dry throat, "Thanks though." I added as a second thought.
Charlie poked his head in looking very uncomfortable, "We are going to have to leave soon, I know it's kinda early for school but I need to be down at the station."
If I had any inkling that Charlie would allow me to walk to school I would have suggested it. Instead I nodded my head, pushing myself up in a sitting position.
"Oh, I thought it would also be a good to stop by the doctor, get to meet your new one." He was cautious as he spoke, watching intently to my reactions. I guess Renee had informed him of my dislike of doctor visits. "Dr. Carlisle has been an excellent new addition to the staff. All the ladies seem to like him as well." He tacked on, as if having an attractive doctor would make the fact that I was dying better. On the contrary it made things worse; who wanted to be surrounded by beautiful people when they were decaying?
"Maybe I should get settled into school first?" I proposed, hoping that was a valid excuse, "I mean, who knows how much catching up I'll have to do." I tried to sound normal, to sound cheery and upbeat. At least as upbeat as anyone talking about mounds of school work would sound.
Charlie was silent for a moment in thought. "I suppose that's fine." He finally concluded. I tried not to smile in triumph. "Can you be ready in twenty minutes?"
Lucky for Charlie I am not - and never have been - what could be considered a "normal" teenage girl. If I were twenty minutes would not be remotely close to adequate time.
"Sure." I responded, running my fingers through my tangled and slightly greasy hair. I grabbed a hair tie from around my wrist, pulling my hair away from my face in a low messy ponytail.
Charlie left my room, after seeing signs I was up and getting ready. I walked to my suitcase, pulling out the first shirt and pants I saw after opening it along with my small travel case of bathroom products. Throwing on a pair of faded blue jeans and my favorite white tee shirt; it was definitely showing signs of wear, there were small holes at the seams of the armpits, the shirt itself was thinning and discolored, no amount of bleach able to brighten it. I shuffled into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.
It was always a nerve wracking experience looking into the mirror every morning. I was always expecting to be greeted by an unfamiliar and gruesome looking face. Some days I breathed a sigh of relief that my face was luckily still intact, other days I wished it wasn't. I think the unknowing part of my illness was the hardest; at least when I finally wake up one morning with lesions I will know how long I have till I croak.
Returning to my room I grabbed everything I'd need for my first day of school. This included two small joints. I was actually glad Charlie had to be at the station early, this gave me time to find a quiet, secluded place to smoke before my day started. Things didn't seem to be working much different here in Forks than in Phoenix, aside from the fact I would have to attend school here. In such a small town, I doubted it would take a whole twenty-four hours before Charlie was informed of my absences in the classrooms.
I was ready in less than ten minutes. Not wanting to sit awkwardly downstairs with Charlie, I flipped open a worn and battered copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I lost myself in the Czech physician wishing for some degree of power and freedom during times of oppression. I could relate.
Seeing that it was time to leave, I shut my book, grabbed my book bag, and went downstairs to meet Charlie. I slumped down in my seat as we got into Charlie's police cruiser- how embarrassing! The last time I'd gotten in this thing I was maybe ten. Even if I had been in a few police cars in my time, never had I been in the front seat and never was it voluntary, well semi-voluntary.
As if being the new kid wasn't already enough, I was the new kid being drove around in the police car. It was almost enough to make me contemplate giving up a habit or two of mine, maybe if I limited the number of drinks I had I could put some money aside to get a car. I didn't have to think about it too long, I knew it wouldn't happen. I loved my addictions too much, and I tried never to plan for anything in the future. My fate was sealed.
Ten months, seven days.
When we got to the school, I could tell Charlie wanted to stick around and make sure I actually went in. Unfortunately for him, there was a lot of paper work waiting for him on his desk. I watched the police cruiser round the corner headed back down the highway in the opposite direction. I waited for the taillights to disappear.
Not too far off from the school buildings was surprise, surprise shrubbery. For once I was glad of the vast greenness that Forks had to offer. I walked towards the edge of the forest, pushing asides some overgrown bushes, careful of where my feet were stepping. It would be just like me to trip over something microscopic.
Finding a rotted log, I sat down and pulled a tightly wrapped joint from my pocket. Bringing the brown piece of rolled paper to my nose I inhaled, savoring the smell. I wanted to enjoy this, but I also knew I had to be cognizant of my surroundings and the time. I pulled out my lighter and sucked in as I lit the joint.
I lavished in the feel of the hot smoke in my mouth. I closed my eyes for a second, finally able to relax. I waited as long as I could hold my breath, around twenty seconds my vision blurred and my surroundings started to spin. At count thirty-three I exhaled. I continued on in this manner, finishing about half a joint. My body tingled, my mind was racing. Hopefully the buzz would last till lunch.
The few steps back out of the forest were a lot more labored than I remember coming in. My body not wanting to move, I tripped over my feet, what felt like constantly. I laughed to myself. Somehow remembering I had school, I dug around in my book bag, producing a small bottle of perfume and some eye drops. It wouldn't be a good idea to show up with bloodshot eyes, people could get the wrong impression.
I don't remember how or when I actually made it inside the school building. I don't remember my first three classes. It was not until fourth period I felt myself coming back down to reality. I yearned for the feelings of forgetfulness. Everything was so much easier when you were only dimly aware of what was going on around you. I wanted to feel empty once again. Devoid of all emotions.
Reality was always a bitch. Apparently I had calculus fourth period.
The teacher was a tall stringy looking man with a bad comb-over. His face too oval shaped and gaunt; with a pointed chin and beady, dark eyes. He reminded me of a rat. I hated rats. I hated math.
Looking around at the rest of the students I couldn't help but notice more than a few eyes on me. I shrunk in my seat wishing I was invisible. That was the good thing about my old high school; with over three-thousand students it was easy to get lost in the crowd. I carefully stole a glance at the student sitting next to me. I almost jumped out of my seat when I saw he was looking at me, and with such intensity. Cocking an eyebrow up, I smirked in spite of myself. It was obvious this boy was admiring me, even to someone who had never really been admired before.
He quickly jerked his head back to his notebook when he realized I'd come out of my coma and was staring right back at him. Another time, another life maybe I would have found this entertaining or endearing. I honestly did not know. It was so hard to remember a simpler time for me, a time before countless medications, countless doctor's visits, a dramatically increased medical vocabulary, countless sick days. Yeah, I honestly had no idea how pre-dead Bella would have turned out. I like to think I would have been better, not such a complete an utter disappointment. Not such a faux pas. How could you yell at your dying child? I knew I was unnecessarily hard for Renee to deal with; I really did not blame her for my prison sentence to Forks.
Students were packing up. I went to mimic their actions and realized I hadn't even bothered to take my binder out in my stupor.
"Are you Isabella?" The boy asked me, holding out a hand.
I paled even more so at the action. It had been so long such anyone had offered a hand to me. Not that people were lining up, down the block to make contact me before I had HIV in my old school, but once it was leaked that I had it, I had been avoided like the plague. Not that I minded. I didn't want friends, I already felt guilty enough that Charlie and Renee would have to mourn me when I was gone. I didn't need any more guilt.
"Bella." I corrected him, shoving my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.
The boy stared at his hand for a second before awkwardly dropping it to his side. Looking back up to face me he smiled a white toothy smile, it almost looked fake. "Mike Newton. How do you like Forks?"
"It's rainy." I didn't feel like talking. Yet I felt the need to be diplomatic, for Charlie's sake I reasoned. I didn't need my visit being any harder on Charlie.
Mike Newton laughed, his blue eyes sparkled. I guess most people would consider him very attractive. He held himself with quite a confidence. "That's right; I heard you're from Phoenix. Don't worry you get used to it." He grabbed my schedule from its spot on the desk. "Nice, you have lunch with me next. C'mon I'll show you."
I blanched. Mike already walking towards the exit, I doubted he saw my reaction. This boy was going to be a thorn in my side, I could tell. I could feel myself getting irritable, the drugs quickly leaving my system. Balling my hands in tight fists I tried to remind myself that this boy only trying to be hospitable. Following a few paces behind Mike, I made my way into the noisy cafeteria.
I was introduced to a lot of different faces; I didn't remember a single name. Positioned at the end of one long table I tried to give myself as much space as possible. I also tried to listen, but petty high school gossip held little interest to me. The lunch hour could not go fast enough. Thankfully the bell finally rang signaling sixth period. I had gym. The one perk of being sick, I spent my gym time in the library.
My last class was physics. I was late; there was a mix up in building numbers. As I walked in the class got eerily silent; once again I felt the eyes of my classmates digging into me. Shoving my transfer paper in my teacher's hands I made a dash for the one empty back seat. I missed the lone backpack strap hanging out in the aisle and tripped. I jammed my hands out in front of me, preparing to brace myself for the evitable fall. It never happened. Two strong, hands were touching me. A jolt of electricity bounded through me, I gasped both from electric current and the foreign feelings of warmth. Even Renee tended to shy away from me. Before I could finish going over what transpired, the contact was gone, my body suddenly feeling very flush and heated.
I could dimly hear the sounds of my classmates' giggles. I was frozen in place. The most beautiful creature was now seated in front of me. His eyes a mossy shade of green. His skin, so pale I felt I must look tan next to him. It was not ghastly though, on the contrary, it almost had an iridescent quality to it, silky smooth and flawless. His auburn hair was a disheveled perfection. Absolutely a breathtaking, truly the most beautiful man or woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I bet high end couture models would kill for looks half as good as his.
Somehow in all my inner ramblings I had managed to make it to my seat, unfortunately next to his. I tried not to stare; firstly, because it was completely embarrassing, and second, because this boy sitting next to me was dangerous. He was going to be a hard temptation to resist; the apple would be a piece of cake next to this godlike man.
Unable to resist the sinful temptation I stole a glance. His face was even more gorgeous on second glance. Trying to steal a glimpse of those beautiful eyes of his, wanting to put a name on the exact color- maybe some type of mossy green? Only I knew that wouldn't suffice, his eyes much too perfect of a shade for any type of moss. I let my eyes travel from his face to his body, watched as the tendons and muscles in his arms flexed with each scrawl of his pen. Watching him reminded me I should be taking notes as well. I couldn't, he was completely captivating. I wondered if I could find out who he was. I hadn't seen him during lunch; I'm pretty sure with a face like that I would have noticed.
Stop it Bella! I yelled in my head. I was charting on dangerous territory. I made a promise to myself about a year back, no relations of any kind. This included friendship. Sighing dejectedly I made myself tear away from him, about to pull my notebook out to scribble some notes on the page, the final bell rang. The gorgeous boy next to me got out of his seat in one fluid motion, slinging his backpack over his shoulder he strolled out the room. Not even bothering to grace me with one last glance. I wondered he if noticed me starring? I wondered if I had been really obvious.
"That's Edward Cullen." A female voice said from behind me.
My face reddened a deep scarlet. I didn't want to turn around to face this new voice.
"I know, he's like completely gorgeous. But he doesn't date… At least no one from this school." I noted the tiny bit of bitterness her voice carried. "I'm Jessica. You must be Isabella."
"Bella." I grumbled. I did not like how much her words upset me. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't even be thinking of this boy. Why should I care if he didn't date? I didn't date!
"Oh, Bella." She corrected herself, either not aware of my harshness to her or not caring. "Anyway, I have English literature with you second period, I was going to introduce myself to you then but you seemed kind of out of it."
Out of it? Huh, oh yeah. This morning seemed like a lifetime ago. Everything seemed like a lifetime ago since Edward Cullen came into my life. This was not good. Forks' was turning out to be far more dangerous than I'd ever expected. I would need to find another distraction, and fast.
"Yeah, tired." I responded hastily. "I got to go meet my dad, he's probably waiting for me."
Walking hastily out of the classroom and into the way too crowded parking lot I didn't notice the stares as I walked towards the white car with red and blue lights sitting atop.
"How was school?" Charlie greeted me.
I shrugged my shoulders, not in the mood to talk. I was suddenly feeling very glum, and did not want to think of the reason that brought on this mood. The feelings of the warm hands around mine flashed through my mind. I shivered. They were so strong, like marble, yet also very tender and smooth. I pictured the model face that went along with the immaculate body. It was infuriating to think about. How could one man hold so much beauty? This wasn't the source of my irritation however. I was angry at myself for being so weak.
I had become an expert of not caring. I did not care about myself, I did not care about making or having friends, and I only slightly cared about Charlie and Renee- it was all I was capable of at the moment. All of a sudden some attractive looking man comes along and what, I become a swooning teenager? I become some mindless teenager incapable of keeping her hormones in check? I think not. I knew where that got you. Nowhere good.
To Be Continued...