Author's Note: So much for this just being a one-shot deal. And to think it all started as a list of bad Transformers pick-up lines. I probably shouldn't be having this much fun writing a character based on me that no one in my beloved fandom actually likes.
Disclaimer: Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I can't imagine anyone else wanting credit for thinking her up.
Related Music: Mary Prankster – Mercy[Frag] (This won't be M rated if I can help it)
Designation: Spoiler
Chapter 2 - A Good Excuse for Friendly Fire
I'm not amused anymore
And nothing's a muse anymore
I sing of love and of hate
But I'm just masturbating my soul
Skywarp and Thundercracker were back on the Nemesis after excessively practicing aerial combat maneuvers with that slaveflyer, Starscream. Their break should have started at the beginning of this shift. Only now were they headed towards their quarters for a too long awaited recharge. Thundercracker was as solemn as ever, though this didn't deter Skywarp from the re-telling of his latest prank on the Insecticons. The blue seeker had been civilly nodding and ventilating in acknowledgment throughout most of the story. A gesture that lessened after Skywarp's voice faded out upon turning that last corner leading to their destination.
Her again? The purple and black seeker thought with far more amusement than annoyance. At the same time he glanced over to assess his wingmech's reaction to their impromptu visitor. Thundercracker didn't even miss a step as they continued to move down the hallway.
Meanwhile, the small femme idling just outside their door perked up once she spotted them. Dark red optics lit up in barely contained excitement before advancing on the seeker's position. Skywarp couldn't help but note the way she was leering at Thundercracker beside him. As if TC were the only mech in the 'verse, he thought with a roll of his optics.
Spoiler's overly pronounced hip junction swaying in a blatant attempt at enticement while her voice chimed out, "what took you so long? I was sure I set up the time slots accordingly." She murmured the last part more to herself before moving to walk beside them. "Not that I mind waiting up. I made sure to fix my assignments so we'd have the same time slots off. Isn't that great?" The femme then fluttered her optic guards up at Thundercracker. After following her gaze Skywarp had a hard time suppressing a sputtering chuckle.
The blue seeker was staring past her and probably off in his own processor again. Wing panels were pulled back and his faceplating held a relatively blank expression as he continued towards their quarters. Overall his frame conveyed an utter lack of interest. For whatever reason, that seemed to give Spoiler further incentive to keep going.
"I get that you might be tired and want to take a quick stasis nap first. I can just wait out here till you're done. I don't mind, really. Then maybe we could go to the Rec Room together… get our energon rations… you could tell me about your cycle…" Her optics bore into Thundercracker's expectantly as she tried to keep up with their longer strides.
At this point, Skywarp had no clue which of the cons was more fun to watch; the desperate femme or the apathetic mech. So he settled for shifting his helm back and forth between the two, not wanting to miss an astrosec of their awkward interaction. He continued to stifle grinding snickers so as not to disrupt the moment.
As if just taking note of the uncomfortable silence, Thundercracker seemed to focus before actually looking down towards the femme. He squared his wing bearing shoulders before asking, "Were you just saying something?" The blue seeker didn't even wait long enough to see the effect that had on Spoiler before continuing to move past her. This left Skywarp alone to delight in the visual high-grade this scene was to his optic sensors as he slowed his own pace.
With a look of dismay, Spoiler shifted not too gracefully into Thundercracker's path. Instead of brushing past her, the mech actually allowed his wing panels to scrape against the side of the corridor just to avoid the potential for physical contact. Skywarp would have cringed in sympathy, knowing just how uncomfortable that was, if it weren't so fragging hilarious. Any semblance of composure the seeker was holding on to vanished faster than he could teleport. Soon he could hardly hear Spoiler's whimpers over the sound of his boisterous laughter. Her thinly plated shoulder joints slumped while watching Thundercracker disappeared into his quarters.
Skywarp couldn't help himself. Furtively, he teleported to stand directly behind the femme while she continued to stare longingly at the now closed door. Coyly he asked, "so what do you visually process in TC, anyway?"
He delighted even further upon watching her startled frame shoot up into the air almost as high as he was tall. Once back on the ground where she belonged, Spoiler regarded him wearily as if noticing the purple and black seeker for the first time. Irately she snapped, "Go rust in the Pit."
Skywarp enjoyed the way she took a step back from him and couldn't resist a twisted smile. "It's just an observation," he remarked in a voice saturated with false innocence. For whatever reason, this little dirt-roller had shiny optics for his wingmech. So much so that her chest plating practically cracked open every time the blue seeker entered her periphery field. "I've also noticed that TC doesn't seem to share the same sentiment."
"You sure sputter a lot of exhaust for a flyer." Servos crossed that barely defined chassis as she spoke. It was in the shape of her vehicle mode's back bumper and didn't do much for her appearance in robotic form.
Someone's feisty, Skywarp thought and his grin widened. Though he wasn't interested in anything but making her cringe at the moment, a new idea crossed his wires. Before the mech could fully think it through he asked, "Ever break to consider you've been signaling the wrong plane?" Watching her mandible drop open in outraged shock was well worth the implication at his own expense.
"Listen, you processorless crank shaft!" Her voice lost its bell like tone in exchange for an infuriated ring. "I'm not some outlet waiting to be plugged by the first prong to slither my way. I've got standards."
"So does TC," Skywarp replied curtly. Ouch, that was brutal even for me. The hurt look in Spoiler's optics not only confirmed that but encouraged him to continue flying with it. "I think your failure at any semblance of a kinky plane ride with my associate is Primus' way of saying that encoding your defective little spark was an error." He didn't know where all this malice was coming from, but frag did it work wonders on reshaping that surprisingly malleable chrome face of hers.
"Why you scrapped excuse for a Decepticon elitist…" Spoiler's frame vibrated with fury and the sound of her engine revving filled the corridor.
"Hey, I'm not the one that built you to get lubed up for the one mech who'd never interface with you. Must have been Primus' idea to fix that mistake, right?"
Her systems quieted down a few decibels and her optics stared back at him blankly. Skywarp couldn't tell if the lightening of their color was an indicator that Spoiler's battle systems were coming online or as proof of a crack down her mainframe.
"Think about it, dirt-roller. Can't reproduce if a mech's not willing to strike his spark anywhere near yours. And that way, no sparkling will be created for you to nurture into deactivation in that undersized chassis of yours." As he spoke, the seeker gestured to his altform's cockpit where his own spark chamber resided beneath. "And here I thought you were just glitched when it came to battle. Now you don't even comprehend our basic reproduction?"
She was already charging before he finished the sentence. It still wasn't fast enough. With a static laced snicker, the seeker teleported to the side and watched gleefully as Spoiler stumbled to the ground where he previously stood. As she drew herself up for a second attack, Skywarp briskly teleported yet again to now stand further off but still in front of her.
The femme snarled while retrieving a blaster from subspace. "Put it in park so I can rip your miserable aft a few new exhaust vents!"
"You're the one with the aim of a half-built protoform," he taunted before the plasma blast from her weapon rang out. Reappearing directly behind Spoiler, Skywarp took hold of her wrist joints. Applying pressure to the right transformation seam caused the femme's grip on the blaster to release and leave her unarmed.
Spoiler's vocalizer screeched with threats at too high a frequency for him to discern. Rolling his optics, the seeker pulled her thrashing frame to his. Well that put a muffler on her, he noted as nervous static replaced her unbearable shrieks. Even with the apprehended femme pressed against him, Skywarp could hardly consider this anything more than his latest prank. Especially when another warped idea entered his central processing unit that simply had to be acted upon.
Who knows, Spoiler might just be desperate enough to let any seeker at her port. "In case you haven't noticed, TC and I do share the same frame," he hummed into her audio unit. "From behind like this… you could just pretend I'm blue."
If she hadn't been struggling before, she sure was now. Tightening his grip on her wrist junctures, Skywarp maneuvered her so that any blows she managed to land with those flailing legs would barely graze his armor.
Meanwhile, the thought of telling Thundercracker about how he made this little femme scream the blue seeker's name was positively tantalizing. After all, he had interfaced with worse back on Cybertron. Though at that time his systems were intoxicated with enough high-grade to make even Devastator's optics glisten. Besides, turning this game into a quick uplink and unload could even be fun to brag about in the wash racks later. Come to think of those wash racks…
"Hey, before I actually decide to completely downgrade in my preference of outlets to plug into, you might want to go clean up."
He felt her go rigid against him at that. "Why of all the-"
"You've got little bits of squishy squished in your treads." He watched the back of her spoiler encrusted helm bend down to see the chunky smear of red along her tires. The splatter also marred her purple complexion on the surrounding plating.
Loosening his hold, Skywarp shoved the femme to the ground with a rattling chuckle. After she regained her balance to face him, the seeker briefly closed the guard over one optic suggestively before saying, "Catch you later."
Prior to disappearing, he heard Spoiler's outraged shriek but was already gone long before she could attempt any semblance of retaliation.
If I fawn, if I flirt, I just keep getting hurt
And it's taken its toll
8-8-8-8
I'm not a kid anymore
I don't know what I did anymore
But on every damn pass, karma bushwacks my [aft]
And I get it all back
Scavenger sat slumped over in the wash wracks as cool water continued to pool inside the shovel extension of his excavator shaped alt mode. In robotic form it hung off his back awkwardly and too often got in the way of everyone else. Currently, no matter how many times he repositioned it, the sensation of liquid collecting on the receptive metal agitated him. Having to put up with it was almost as frustrating as the events leading up to this.
The Constructacons were remodeling what used to be the energon storage room. Thanks to that black and white Auto-aft of a saboteur, Jazz, a cube from their most recent haul had been rigged to explode. It took out that last shipment, most of what they had in reserve, and a good portion of the Nemesis' hull. Now the Decepticon's scarcely had enough left to fuel themselves, let alone anything to send back to Cybertron. Scavenger was barely able obtain the cube currently held just outside the falling water's range.
And of course I'm the only one who doesn't get warned before Mixmaster 'accidentally' spills his latest concoction. Scavenger's vents released a pent up sigh of exasperation. At least the wash racks are empty. It was bad enough his fellow Constructacons saw him coated in that rancid sludge. He really didn't need images of it circulating amongst the rest of the crew as well. And it's not like my supposed teammates need any more reasons to call me a waste of armor. Almost as if on cue, the door to his washroom slid open to reveal the last con he wanted to deal with right now.
"Decepticon, transform and roll the frag out of my way!" From the look of her, Spoiler's foul mood just might rival his own. The purple femme didn't even wait for Scavenger to move before sprawling out on the bench beside him. Her alt mode's convertible canopy knocked into him rudely.
What's got her servos bent now, he wondered just before the small con reached over to snatch the energon cube from his hand. If ever there were a good excuse for friendly fire… the green mech thought spitefully while watching the swirling pink fluid disappear past the plating of her lips. "Oh for booting up cold! We only get one each this cycle."
He regretted having spoken up at all when she shifted her position to glare right back at him. There had always been something off about Spoiler, and it wasn't just her aim in combat. That mainframe had to be missing more than the necessary megabits so it was a wonder she hadn't been scrapped stellar cycles ago. Not that Scavenger could really talk. Sure the only one more useless in battle then him was her. But that was only because Devastator would look slightly less imposing without the right arm he could transform into.
"Oops, how inconsiderate of me." With that said she smashed the empty cube against his chassis.
Scavenger's frame began to steam under the steady flow of water. "I take a lot of scrap from cons that are actually productive around here. I don't process why I should put up with it from you, too."
"I've got a slagging good reason for you!"
She was on him before he even registered her moving. The purple femme climbed up and over Scavenger's green chassis towards his back. Startled, he reached up to try and grab her but Spoiler was already out of range. Her fingers curled around his spinal struts, preventing him from shaking her off. Oh, you're going to regret that, he thought viciously.
Scavenger leaned forward suddenly for the extra momentum just before slamming his back against the stall. The femme never made contact. Instead the shovel from his alt mode, the only attribute that gave him individual purpose, struck. Its sensors detected several alloys that the wall's structure was comprised of. It also sent pain signals screaming through his central processing unit. Disoriented by this onslaught of input, the mech crashed to the ground.
Spoiler slowly stood from her position on the floor to advance towards his. Scavenger just laid there, mainframe busy fighting to sort through the data. He was barely aware of her hands maneuvering his prone form across the slick floor. So thanks to the systems lag it didn't even register that his helm was being plunged into an uncovered drain. Only when warnings flashed across his vision did Scavenger notice that his tanks were rapidly filling with liquid.
After a brief struggle against gravity the mech managed to push up and away from the drain. Now in a seated position on the stall floor he hacked out water that had leaked into his coolant system. After excessively sputtering from vents Scavenger gasped out, "aren't you supposed to be terrible at fighting?"
"You sorta did the hard part for me," Spoiler replied cheekily. She was currently lounging on a bench while basking under the faucet.
The mech rolled his optics before saying, "At least you're running better." Meanwhile my ventilating system won't function properly till Hook looks into it.
In reply, the femme's smile broadened and her engine rumbled merrily.
"Yeah, well… appreciate it while you can."
The plating of her lips twitched before demanding, "Now what are you getting at?"
Scavenger shrugged. "Cons like us-"
"Let's get at least one glitch grounded. I'm nothing like you." The light emanating from Spoiler's optics appeared brighter through the sheen of falling water.
Scavenger's gesture towards his Decepticon symbol was accompanied by a voice saturated in sarcasm. "No, since when have you ever come across as desperate to prove yourself to these slaggers." Shaking his helm wearily, he added, "Primus knows I've tried to dig up anything valuable as a show of my own worth. And all that's left me with is a pile of bad memory files. You're right about that one thing. I might just be another cog in a machine, but at least that machine devastates for our greater good. You just run down fleshlings arbitrarily."
"You're right"
"I'm- what?" Scavenger gawked at her in disbelief.
"I need to take matters into my own servos." She jumped down from the bench with a twisted gleam to her optics. "To stop acting like a failure just because I'm treated like one here. There'll be no wallowing in self pity on heaps of organic trash for this con!"
"Wait, how'd you know that I-?"
He stopped short when she leaned forward to briefly press her helm against his. "Thanks," she murmured before rushing from the room without drying off.
This left Scavenger to wonder what just in the Pit happened and how it would come back to kick him in the aft later.
And I don't want to move anymore
I've got nothing to prove anymore
8-8-8-8
I wish I could [frag] all the memory I keep
[Frag] the next ten years and just go to sleep
I'm [fragged] if I do and I'm [fragged] if I say
I'm [fragged] if I don't, so I'm [fragged] anyway
Soundwave regarded the communications console in resignation before issuing a command.
Initiating: comprehensive systems scan. Estimated duration: 2 cycles.
The main computer's automatic settings were now set to evaluate the somewhat less heavily encrypted information. The more sophisticated data would be reserved for his superior processing ability. It was a bleak cycle indeed when he, the head of communications, became required to scrutinize datapads.
The Autobot's recent ability to consistently thwart Megatron's plans is what made this auxiliary monitoring necessary. Considering the accumulated reports in relation to the most recent details of enemy interference, the blue mech searched through his CPU for answers. It always came down to one logical conclusion: a traitor was in their midst.
Locating: files in relation to probable suspects. Commencing: thorough examination procedure.
The standard offenders had already been crossed examined numerous times. The most expected of which being the Decepticon second in command, Starscream. The red seeker has always been the first perpetrator Soundwave ever considered responsible for the failed inner works of their faction.
The recent increase in number and duration of drills with his team of seekers had become particularly suspicious. Was this act supplementing Starscream's latest attempt at insubordination? Perhaps preparing to move in and take control after the Autobots defea-
Correction: if. He stressed that pointedly to himself. Self-defeatist thoughts were counterintuitive to his task, so the communications officer deviated to another notion.
The second in command's actions could just be an exercise in caution that had become typical of Starscream's cowardly indoctrination. Thus he may simply be preemptively training during a time of unease for the Decepticons. No matter, it was not him.
Soundwave scrutinized the screens surrounding him in his office. He had each locked onto a different Decepticon for the past seven cycles. The plan was to have their activities mapped out at specific intervals. At the end of this shift he intended to evaluate each recorded feed individually. This way, he could sort through and reestablish new suspects that actually correlated with the information leak. It was tedious undertaking, but necessary since he still had no leads. At this point the culprit could be anyone.
Consumed near entirely by his work, the blue mech dourly registered the entry of an intruder. "Leave," he commanded brusquely.
One of the many screens Soundwave observed displayed a small purple femme sauntering over to his console before making herself far too comfortable in front of it. By simply turning his helm to the side he was able to further assess Spoiler's presence. A trail of liquid accompanied her, giving the blue mech even more of a reason then usually to dismiss the femme. "Attention. Time allowance for extracurricular activates in communications office: surpassed. Leave."
"Yeah, I know I was already here two cycles ago. Just give me a few extra clicks and I'll be out of your wires for good." While speaking, Spoiler logged into one of the many modems with thankfully dry hands. The rest of her frame dripped water on what used to be a pristine floor. "Need a bit more research before I actually go through with something this drastic..."
Soundwave considered that for a nanoclick. He was all too aware of Spoiler's eccentricities. Thusly, hearing her use the term 'drastic' only gave him further incentive to steer clear of what she may be planning this time. It was a practice he had implemented upon the first, and last, scan he performed on her central processing unit. Typically the blue mech deemed knowing the Nemesis and its crew on every conceivable level part of his personal responsibility. That femme had become an exception to this rule. When her thought processes were not excruciatingly simplistic they bordered on a neurotic level that acted like the positive feedback loop from the Pit.
While lifting a datapad to look over he announced in his monotonic tone, "Proceed. Newly allotted time: strictly limited."
"I figured as much. And thanks." She gave him a quick smile before returning to her own task. Spoiler already had several downloads going at once and now appeared to be glancing at one of his surveillance screens. "Hey Soundwave, you ever liked someone?" Even if he planned to respond she did not give him the chance to. "I mean, I know you like Megatron. We all do. That's why we follow him all over the 'verse and stuff. But what I'm getting at is to maybe like someone in more of a… romantic way?" Now she turned to face him, optics amplifying as though searching for a response.
Soundwave remained focused on a list of heavily encrypted information before him. He attempted to appear as though he found the data to be far more interesting than it actually was. As per usual, Spoiler did not take the indirect suggestion.
"You see, there's this con I've liked…" she began tentatively. "I may have told you about him before. Anyway, it's like I'm not even a blip on his radar!" She released a heavy sigh from her vents before continuing. "And sure, he's worth all the effort but… what if there's someone else? What if there's another mech, one that actually acknowledges my existence and benefits from it."
Unfortunately, Soundwave recalled all too well Spoiler's unrequited affection for a certain blue seeker. He recalled Rumble once stating that, "She'd sooner gawk at TC's aft then guard anyone else's in a fight." Frankly, the thought of reliving the experience with a new con was enough to fry even his patience. Besides, this distraction could only prolong his search for the traitor. And because of a recent energon shortage the Decpeticons could not risk any further delay. So "chatter: excessive and unwanted," was Soundwave's only reply.
The femme pouted up at him indignantly before shifting back to check on the status of her downloads. Appearing satisfied with the progress, she moved on to other folders before once again looking to a surveillance monitor. "His friends don't like me very much. But at least they haven't tried to…" her voice trailed off like the fading tone of a bell as she stood to get closer to the screen. It was depicting the recharging forms of Skywarp and Thundercracker on their separate berths.
Soundwave glanced sideways at her before putting down the datapad. Apparently a new situation had been developing that managed to slip below his radars. Something like this was calculated to be expected. His recharge time had been decreased substantially so he was not functioning at full capacity when it came to the inconsequential details of Decepticon interaction. Regardless, he assured himself. Spoiler was reliably inefficient, tactless, and incapable of anything but the most candid of responses. If there was anything remotely substantial to be aware of regarding this she would have already prattled it out. Thusly he formulated an alternative to having to listen to her typical redundant drivel a nanoclick longer than necessary. "Situation has been acknowledged. Suggestion: a distraction."
Optics still fixed on the screen, Spoiler practically snapped at him with, "and what do you process I've been trying to do here? So much for your oh so superior CPU's capability to understand a situation."
"Sarcasm: unwarranted." Soundwave was now on his last wire with the femme. He barely tolerated her presence once every seven cycles. This impulsive visit, combined with such blatant insubordination, would not persist. Noticing a steadily growing puddle beneath the femme only affirmed that fact. He moved to tower over Spoiler, engulfing her in his boxy shadow.
Her frame stiffened just before turning to look up at the blue mech. She immediately shrank back from him while chiming out, "Hey, I'm sorry! I really didn't mean to fritz you out or anything. I just… have a lot on my mainframe right now and forgot my place." The femme's servos raised in a gesture of surrender.
The temptation to scan Spoiler was there but kept in check after considering past memory files. Soundwave was already too acquainted with her warped processor's capabilities. Lack there of, he clarified to himself. That femme was far from competent at providing adequate cover fire. She is also notorious for having poor aim and dealing minimal damage to enemy forces. As far as defensive maneuvers, her inability to remain covert along with having no concept of subtlety made her at the very most a viable target for drawing enemy fire. Perhaps this was why she preferred to go after organics for her own distorted satisfaction rather then focusing on the success of a mission. The blue mech was brought back from his musing by the sound of her hydraulics hissing in movement.
Watching him cautiously, Spoiler used one hand to slowly eject and unlink from the main computer. She then began to subspace several datapads while gingerly stepping away from him. The femme did not get far, as her stabilizing servos lost traction on the wet floor beneath her. Just before crashing to the ground she shrieked, "Sparkling of a glitch!"
Soundwave refrained from shaking his helm at the femme's uncouth manner but her humiliating position on the floor still caused one optic ridge to arch.
After regaining her balance Spoiler looked down at herself before releasing an exasperated sigh. "How come I only ever end up sprawled out on the ground in front of mechs that I don't want to bump bumpers with? No offense," she added with an unremorseful smirk.
The head of communications would not even dignify that with a verbal response.
"Alright, I'm probably more then done here. Enjoy your Spoiler free Communications room." The femme then walked out; leaving behind nearly all the water she had come in with.
The blue mech turned to watch her on the surveillance monitor until she exited the Nemesis and moved out of range. A curious inkling made him bring a hand up to the compartment in his chassis and announce, "Ravage: eject."
A black cassette emerged and transformed mid air to land as a mechanical jaguar. Ravage then looked up at the blue mech expectantly.
"Operation: surveillance. Target: Spoiler," Soundwave ordered.
The feline's fanged mandible opened in a look of dismay while he held his position as though reluctant to comply.
The air of formality was dropped while Soundwave leaned down to state, "A mission has been assigned. Compliance is expected."
Ravage apparently had the brazen audacity to hiss at that.
This time Soundwave did shake his helm before resting a hand on Ravage's back. "Understandable," was all he could really say to the second act of insubordination the blue mech had dealt with this shift. He had not been recharging enough for this. Also, how could he expect another to directly monitor that femme's activates when he would not even scan her mainframe? The communications officer was called many things by his fellow Deceptions. 'Hypocrite' would not be a new addition. "In recompense, a thorough report on Autobot's activity: obligatory." Frenzy would most likely suggest Ravage "get Bumblebee or one of his organic pets to just find him in cassette form out in the dessert and carry him in again."
Soundwave felt the jaguar relax somewhat under his touch and allowed for a smile behind his facial shield. This would not be a loss in the grand scheme of his security evaluation. Aside from assigned missions, Spoiler only left the base to act out against the planet's inhabitants. Thus he would continue to focus his advanced processors on the pressing concern of a capable infiltrator rather then that inept femme. She had already wasted enough of his time and her vow to abscond forever would not last long enough.
I wish I could [frag] all of you 'til you see
I don't need your mercy[frag] sympathy
[Frag] your word and your prayers, [frag] your stares and my cares
[Frag] it all 'til I learn
8-8-8-8
Angst Behind the (downright awful) Humor:
She was able to remain relaxed and level circuited right up till she transformed to her alt mode and began tearing down the first road she came across. That's when her mainframe screamed, NOTHING! It's all Spoiler ever got from those hypothetical teammates. Well, nothing I actually want, she thought with a shudder. After all those implications, the thought of staying on that craft a nanoclick longer caused her tanks to churn in disgust. At least it definitely helped to prove that this would be the last time she'd ever have to deal with those Pit spawned, slag for processors again. They were either undermining or ignoring her, anyway. Why Spoiler didn't compute this sooner she'd never know. But at least the next course of action just seemed so clear. The purple Saturn's tires squealed with joy as she peeled away from failure and onward to self-assured victory.
I wish I could [frag] all of you 'til you see
I'm the worst [frag] up in all history
[Frag] your image and mine, [frag] your limp valentine
[Frag] it all 'til I learn