The thought of her meeting him alone… what if he wasn't alone? It wouldn't be the first time he'd tricked us… a cold, terrifying mixture of fear and realisation washed over me making me shudder. I didn't feel the usual rush of adrenaline which I'd become accustomed to before a fight, I felt tired, tired and for the first time in a long time, genuinely scared.

I couldn't move my feet fast enough, I was pushing them so hard I felt like my knees were going to give out under me. The wind was rushing past my ears creating an uncomfortable growling sound, in a way it was motivating me. All I could imagine was some sort of growling demon he could have raised from who knows where, snarling and biting at Clary as she desperately dashed around, using all her training, the training I taught her. But how long could she keep it up? I know she can look after herself, but this isn't just anyone. The world was zooming past me and it seemed like I'd been running for days, no matter how hard I pushed myself, she just seemed to be miles away! A quick glance behind me, confirmed that I was also alone, I'd ran ahead, I needed to get to her, but I could sense Alec not too far behind.

I could see the courtyard and I pushed harder, my ears listening out for any sound, in my head I was praying it hadn't escalated above an argument, but I couldn't hear a thing. I skidded round the corner and the sight made my blood run cold.

Clary was laid on the stone paving in the courtyard, her fiery hair matted thick with blood, stray strands were covering her perfect face. Her skin was paler than usual, she looked like she was made of snow, clear, perfect white porcelain, a tiny doll laid amongst what would usually be a beautiful setting. Her gear was muddy, bits of flowers stuck on her boots, there were grazes from where she'd scraped the stone on her gear and skin. Blood was soaking the stone around her head and shoulders. I realised I was just stood still, numbly I stumbled over to her, collapsing to my knees next to her. I tried to ignore the blood now soaking into my gear. With a trembling hand I reached for her face, brushing the hair from it, a shaky breath left my lungs at the sight in front of me. Her lip was bust open, bruises almost covered the left side of her face and there was a little stream of blood over the bruises from a gash in her forehead. Her eyes were closed. A numbing fear washed over me, I watched her chest intensely… then I saw it, a weak rise and fall!

"Clary?" my voice sounded so much stronger than I felt.

Her eyelids fluttered, it took three attempts before they fully opened. She had burst a blood vessel in her left eye and the clear white had turned an angry red. He hand twitched, I knew what she meant.

"I'm here," I whispered, I feared even the noise would hurt her.

I slipped my arm underneath her and pulled her against me, resting her head on my upper arm so she could see me. She felt so light and frail in my arms. Her hand slipped from mine and reached for my face, as I felt her hand come into contact with my skin, my eyes fell shut. I was trying to focus on the feel of her in my arms, the way her tiny body fit so perfectly against mine, the way her little doll like hands barely covered my cheek. Her skin had always been fiery and warm against mine when we'd brushed hands or she had clumsily fell on me in training, now she was so cold. When I opened my eyes she was frowning, her brows furrowed. I looked at her hand, it was wet and I realised I was crying.

"Don't worry, I'm going to make you better." I fumbled in my pocket for my steele and placed it against the exposed skin on her stomach, I began to draw the healing rune but was interrupted by a scream.

Shocked, I jerked the steele from her skin, dropping it clumsily and stared at her confused.

"He," she coughed and blood slipped from her lips "threw me against the wall, I can't move my left side" she was trying to be brave, "it hurts" she whimpered and tears slipped from her eyes.

My heart felt like it was breaking, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to hurt her, but I needed to help her.

"Don't," she whispered. "He did something to me, I don't know what, but he promised me you couldn't save me, he promised me I'd die here"

My eyes shot to her face, her eyes were staring into mine but they were clouded by tears.

"It's okay," another cough, followed by more blood "I just want to say thank you, you saved my life more times than I could count." I could feel the tears now, streaming hot paths down my face, I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt like this. Felt like this about someone, about anything.

"I love you," It was the tiniest whisper I could muster and I could hear my voice shake as I said it. Only she could reduce me to this blubbering, pathetic mess.

She simply nodded, or tried to, it made her wince. She stared back at me, her eyes had never been so piercing, even through the pools of water trying to burst down her face.

"I know, I love you Jace." The tears erupted from her eyes and she heaved and coughed, her tiny body shaking and shuddering in my arms. I squeezed her tighter, wanting to steady her, stop her shaking, keep her warm, I'd failed to keep her safe.

I pressed my forehead against hers and she closed her eyes, I laid a hand gently on the right side of her face, I just needed to feel her one last time. I closed my eyes too, her breathing was heavy, I could hear the rattle in her chest.

Until I couldn't anymore.

I never let go.

I don't know how long I was sat there. I don't know when I felt Alec's presence or when I heard the shocked gasps from everyone as they arrived. I felt Alec's hand fall on my shoulder, felt him squeeze tight and drop to his knees behind me. He laid his forehead against my back, between my shoulder blades, he didn't have to say a word. I knew what he wanted to say, what he couldn't say.

After that everything is a blur. Days upon days of darkness, the light of my life being extinguished, that fiery red flame, put out by a little mahogany box. There were no tears after her. There was nothing. For weeks I wandered around, emotions missing, until just one day, it was stupid, I found her sketchpad, then everything collapsed around me.

How do you relieve that sinking feeling in your heart? Your stomach feels it too, the disgusting drop that kick starts the adrenaline and sickness. Then your heart misses a beat, it makes you want to clutch your chest and collapse in a puddle of pain. You skip a breath. The feeling that follows is like you've been holding it in for hours, you're gasping for air and it's making you dizzy. That sickening lump in your throat isn't helping, what's happening? It feels like your whole body is shutting down, like it can't cope, why do you feel it so vividly? Oh, there's the adrenaline finally kicking in, can you feel your hands shake? Now your eyes burn, the tears are hot pools, ready to spill over and you're rapidly blinking to flush them away, they're leaving fiery paths as they slip down your now rosy cheeks. You try and hold it back, you don't want to cry and then, that tiny noise escapes your throat, it's the noise everyone dreads, it's like you can hear your heart break. A quiet, high pitch cry followed by a heavy breath. Hold back. Hold back. Don't cry. Be strong! The whole world crumbles away and the earth falls from under your feet, you've submitted yourself to that suffocating sadness and you're gone.

"What am I, when you're gone?"

That's the question blaring in your ears, your mind is screaming it and yet nothing escapes from your lips, nothing except that strange gurgling noise, that's a mix between the air escaping your lungs and the words fumbling around your mouth. You're gripping reality, but it's slipping away. You never know when the cry stops and the sleep takes over, you can never remember in the morning. Not that it matters, nothing matters.