Determined to cheer up, Kendall amused himself by singing "Intermission" to Logan in a very longing tone on the way home, cause Logan turned the best color pink he'd ever seen, and stayed that way for the entire song.
James watched them with a grin; even though he wanted to be the one Kendall sang to, it was amusing to see Logan blush that way and get all shy and insecure.
Logan sighed. "Will you stop?" he begged, and James grinned.
"Don't you dare," he whispered to Kendall. "Logan's so cute when he's uncomfortable."
Logan glared and flipped him off. "I think it's time for us to make James a little uncomfortable. When are we gonna visit him at work and embarrass him?"
"…need to take a break before you break my heart," Kendall sang, then took Logan in his arms and dipped him deeply. "You're killing me here, Mitchell. I'm trying to touch your heart and you tell me to stop. Fine. I will find others who will love my romantic soul. Not Garcia, cause he's into pain, and James just likes the ladies. I make a terribly awkward girl."
He sighed and pulled Logan up. "Dude. We do need to visit Jamie at work, to support him, not embarrass him. Jeesh. What friends."
James groaned. "Oh god, please don't. I'm begging you here. Seriously, even if you don't mean to embarrass me, you might, and… I don't want to make a bad impression on my third day or something. Okay? I love you guys, but sometimes you're a little much to handle. But if you come separately, then… that would be okay, I guess."
He nodded.
Logan sighed. "Where's the fun in that? Boo."
Carlos shook his head. "He has no faith in us. None. I'm hurt, seriously. Very much so."
He folded his arms and shook his head at James. "Really? Really?"
Kendall sighed. "Stop stealing my lines, Garcia. Hey, at least James is out working, and who ever thought that would happen, huh? No offense, dude," he added to James, then looped an arm around his neck. "It was an unlikely occurrence, is all. And we're not gonna fuck it up for him."
James looked at him and smiled. "Thanks, Kendall. I appreciate that. But… you didn't think I could do it, huh? Are you really, really impressed, hmm?"
He grinned, hoping that Kendall was impressed. He liked it when Kendall admired him; it made him feel like Kendall might actually want him at some point, at least for a little while. Even if it was for a stupid reason – just because he had underestimated James and was impressed because he had a job now, didn't mean he was suddenly in love with him.
But James could pretend…
"Don't I look really, really impressed?" Kendall made a goofy face – that is to say, a fairly normal face, for him – and then laughed. "I am, really. I just didn't think you'd take it seriously and would find some way to worm money out of Mama D. But you didn't, and that's very cool. It's like a whole new responsible James."
He kept his arm around James till they got to Palmwoods Park, then got caught up in an impromptu game of Calvin!Ball, named after the comic strip, with no rules and lots of cheating. He excelled at this.
James grinned and shook his head, then squeezed Kendall, and followed him into the Palmwoods. During the game, he watched Kendall, wondering why it was so hard to fall out of love with him. Technically it shouldn't be that hard but… it was. He doubted he'd ever be able to do it.
And if he couldn't make himself stop loving Kendall, he had to find a way to tell him, or he'd just end up… dying unhappy, which didn't seem like much of an option.
Maybe Kendall 2.0 really could help him figure this out. Yeah. That was a good plan.
Kendall squeezed James back like the bros they were – no more, he kept reminding himself – and then commenced playing, finally dropping on the ground next to James and flopping back; he was soaked with sweat, there was dirt all over his face – Calvin!Ball was nothing if not full-body-tackle oriented – and his sticky, sweaty hair was standing up.
"Dude, this was the best thing I could have run into after today. I'm beat. I'm gonna go sit in the bathtub, soak, and have Kendall-time."
He smirked knowingly at James. "You may wanna close the door on your way out, yo."
Cause otherwise you might hear your name and realize I'm thinking about you and wishing it was your hand on me…
James actually didn't want to close the door but… he couldn't really tell Kendall that, could he?
"Ahh, I see," he said, giving him a little smile. "Well, then… have fun, I guess. Hope you enjoy your Kendall-time."
"Dude, I gotta do something," sighed Kendall, abandoning his fantasy before something untoward happened. "I'm tense. I'm horny all the time. Jo's gone, Lucy is flaky and there's no one else I'm interested in. I'm dying. I use so much lube that I have to shop at four different places so they don't think I'm some sort of pervert. It's bad. But I found this amazing lemon stuff that smells so good that it's like dual-purpose. So if you're wondering why I'm smelling all citrus, that's why."
You should be less impressed with my smell than how good a fucking liar I am though, just sayin'.
Kendall sat up and rubbed his neck. "And that was total TMI, sorry. I don't know what you're doing in that department but you don't seem to be as desperate as me, so good for you."
He got to his feet – groaned – and tugged James up. "Ugh, carry me. Or prop me up, will you?"
"I like citrus," James said softly as he got up. "And you're not a pervert; I get being horny, trust me. I'm just as desperate as you are."
"You never look it – I just figured you were getting some and being quiet about it all. So it's not just me."
James laughed. "No, no, I'm definitely not getting any, trust me. It's not just you."
"Well, that's two of us. I think Logie's gotten to second with Camille, and Carlos has his corn dogs. Seriously, I wonder if he KNOWS how it looks, dude. Phallic symbol, much?"
James cracked up, imagining it for a second before shaking his head, scarred for life. Then he raised a brow at him, grabbed Kendall, picked him up, threw him over his shoulder and carried him upstairs. "There, princess."
Kendall really hadn't expected James to actually carry him, but grinned when he did. His bro had big muscles and Kendall let himself be dead weight as James hiked him upstairs.
"Princess? Dude." Kendall pretended to be injured for all of .5 seconds, then laughed. "I could totally get used to you carrying me around – makes me think that walking is way overrated."
He squeezed James' shoulder and then walked into the bathroom, starting the water, then came out and started pulling off his clothes with total unconcern. Nakedness was no big thing with any of them, far as he knew.
James smiled. "You weigh nothing, dude. I'll carry you whenever you want to be carried. Cause walking is overrated."
Nakedness may not be a big thing to Kendall, but Kendall being naked was definitely a big thing to James. He just looked like a fucking model. And James was glad he wasn't naked because he was getting hard and if he'd been standing there with a huge erection, his attraction to Kendall might have been a tad obvious.
Kendall smirked and pulled out some pajama bottoms and boxers, then raised a brow. "I will so be taking you up on being carried, then. I like the back view."
He winked and went into the bathroom, closing the door and then all that was heard was splashing… for a while.
Then a sigh. A long sigh, followed by a little moan, then another one and some murmuring before more splashing and a groan that couldn't be anything but finishing.
James was still processing – Kendall liked the back view? What was that supposed to mean? Sure, he had a great ass but… since when did Kendall look at it?
Huh.
Then he heard the sigh and moans and James closed his eyes.
This was just not fair.
He leaned against the bathroom door, pressing his ear against the door and listening as he slid his hand into his boxers and started stroking himself.
In the bathtub, Kendall leaned his head back into the bubbles – yeah, bubbles, so what? He and Mr. Bubble went way back – and sighed. That had been one of his more satisfying ones, and he relaxed, stretching lazily. The friction of the washcloth was a nice addition, and he made a note to keep a stack around; he would name the dark brown one James, in honor of his eyes.
Mmmmm.
But never being one to rest on his laurels, he decided to see if a second could be as good as the first.
Kendall reached for the little bottle of bath oil and spread his legs, slicking himself, thinking of all kinds of things, random images, and closed his eyes till he was hard – it didn't take long. His fingers were already slippery, and it seemed a shame to waste it, so he slid two fingers into himself, biting his lip and pushing down on himself.
God, every time he did that, he liked it more. He was pretty sure he was moving right past bi and on to gay, and so what? He lived with two pretty boys and the most gorgeous one in the world, so who cared?
Kendall wrapped his fingers around himself and then paused, reaching for a washcloth and winding it around his hand, then stroking himself. This time, the noises were louder – his noises – and more emphatic, as his fantasies took form.
James opened his eyes and blinked, wondering what the hell Kendall was doing to himself in there. It sounded amazing, and James really, really wanted to join in, but knew that wasn't going to happen. So he tightened his hand around his own cock and kept stroking himself while listening to Kendall's soft moans and sounds. He bit his lip, trying not to make any noise because it would freak Kendall out, and he didn't want him to stop doing whatever it was he was doing in there because it sounded amazing, and his moans were really, really turning James on.
He bit his lip and squeezed his cock hard, then let out a nearly inaudible gasp when he came all over his hand. "Oh fuck," he mouthed, swallowing hard.
Kendall didn't hear anything, cause the door was surprisingly thick and his own orgasm was upon him, and this time, the moan was louder, more guttural, deeper, the last one a drawn out "Ohhh, Goddddd, fuuuuck…"
He had to blink several times, his eyes glazed, before he could focus again, and he grinned. That one had been even better, and if he was gonna be terminally alone, he was gonna have to invest in more bath oil, and maybe a toy or two.
And hide them. Hide them really, really well.
Kendall got out of the tub a few moments later, when he was sure his legs would hold him up, and reached for a towel, briskly drying and having to grin at himself in the mirror.
James stayed right there, leaning against the door for a long moment; then he licked his lips and pushed himself up, reaching for a Kleenex or two and cleaning himself up. He tossed them into the trash when he was done and pulled his pants up again, sitting down on his bed. Then he stood up and left the room – he didn't even want to know what Kendall would think if he found out that James had been here the whole time, listening to him like a dirty little perv.
He flopped down on the couch in the living room and pushed his hair back, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm so screwed," he whispered, groaning.
Kendall made his way downstairs a few minutes later, smelling like coconut bath oil and feeling pretty damn relaxed. He spotted James on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, and stopped, looking down at him, before going into the kitchen, grabbing two popsicles from the fridge and bringing them back out.
He plopped on the couch and handed James one – orange – and stretched his legs – in his nearly outgrown and thoroughly ridiculous Bugs Bunny PJ bottoms – out on the coffee table, sucking on his lime popsicle.
"You looked like a man with a problem," he said, after a few dedicated sucks. "And there's nothing like a popsicle while pondering."
He ran a free hand through his damp hair and made it stick up a little, then looked over at James. "You okay there, bro?"
James took the popsicle and raised a brow at Kendall, then his eyes widened when Kendall slid it into his mouth and… He was doing this on purpose. He had to be doing this on purpose because no one sucked on a popsicle like that without wanting to make the person across from them shift a little.
"I don't," he said softly. "I don't have a problem. I just…"
He trailed off and nibbled his lip, then slid his popsicle into his mouth and looked into Kendall's eyes as he sucked.
Two could play this game.
Kendall paused mid-suck. "You okay over there? You're looking at me weirdly. More weirdly than usual, even."
And fucking STOP IT.
He looked down. "It's the pjs isn't it? You keep trying to throw these out, I keep finding them and you're irate about it, and sucking that popsicle like a porn star. Seems an odd combination, Jamie."
He had a hard time looking away, but finally managed. "You could have just done adult films if you were looking for work, you know that? For the audition, you just go in with a popsicle and do just what you're doing."
James sighed inwardly. Kendall was so fucking clueless, it wasn't even funny. "You're the one who could be a pornstar – I was just going to say the same thing to you. Dork."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "And no, it's not your ratty clothes or anything else. I'm just… I don't know. Lonely, I guess."
"Jamie, I very well may end up a pornstar, so I have to keep my options open and my mad skills intact. You know boy bands have a shelf life, so after BTR, and after hockey claims both my knees and lower back, I'll need a fall back."
He nodded, having planned this out in one of his tub sessions – he liked to think in there, in addition to the occasional bouts of self-abuse. "I figure I can be an asset in the film industry because of my… openness."
James' admission of loneliness wiped the smirk off his face, though, and he looked at James thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, dude," he said softly. "We need to find you a girlfriend. A nice girl, not some flaky actress type, but someone who is just cool, you know?"
He licked some more, unconsciously, then got up – stepping across James' legs – and came back with paper and a pen. "Okay, let's figure out your type. I just realized I have no clue what you really go for. Some friend I am."
He felt genuinely bad for not having realized that James was lonely. Some melted popsicle dripped onto his hand and he licked it off before starting to write.
James sighed. "I don't want a girlfriend, I–"
Oh boy, this could only go wrong…
"No girlfriend? What d'ya want, an orangutan?" Kendall barely looked up, then finished his columns, all neatly organized. Logan would be proud.
«Okay, so let's start with the top; hair and hair color. Blonde, brunette, black, red? Blue, pink, streaked?"
"Um… blonde," James started, licking his lips and still feeling relatively safe. Many blondes out there, so Kendall couldn't figure anything out from that.
"Okay, so blonde. Real blonde, fake blond, blond tips, streaks, bleach, ash, dirty blonde, strawberry blonde…?"
Kendall looked at him expectantly, pen poised. "And while we're on the subject of hair… long or short? Curly or straight? Or half and half? Conservative or not? Fashion forward or simple?"
James stared at him. "Are you serious? Dude. Do I really have to be that specific? Can't blond just be enough? Cause… dude, I have no idea."
He took a breath. "Um… okay. I guess… kind of a mixed blond? Like, dark with highlights or something… and um. Short hair."
God, soon his "type" was going to be so obvious that even Kendall couldn't be clueless anymore. Sooner or later, he was going to mention dimples, and that would give him away for sure.
"Hey, I'm just trying to be conscientious," said Kendall, tapping the pen against his lower lip. "So, mixed blonde, short hair – that's surprising for you – mmm. Like Emma Watson? Excellent. Post-Potter, massively sexy pixie, all-legs Emma. Okay."
He looked over at James. "I applaud your taste so far. So, probably shorter than you, cause you decided to go all beanstalk – buff beanstalk – on us. Teeny, medium, almost your height? Can she wear heels? Do you want to be able to carry her around?"
He paused. "Hell, you can carry me around. So okay. Now… eye color. Brown, blue, green, gray, hazel, violet, yellowish? Do you care if she has glasses? I like a girl in glasses but it's because I want her to whip them off and ravish me. You know, hot student stuff. And, hmmm, let me think."
James wore glasses sometimes, and God, didn't that figure into his fantasies too – fucking YUM.
Carlos, listening to this from the top of Swirly, and knowing Stuff No One Ever Thought He Knew almost fell down the slide, but managed to stay upright, shaking his head; this was tragic, if not a little funny too. But mostly tragic.
Knight was the one who needed glasses if he didn't see where this was going.
James hesitated. "Emma Watson is hot, and glasses are hot but… I just want a regular guy– GIRL!"
His eyes widened and he flushed, then continued talking quickly. "Um, shorter than me – but tiny isn't necessary; just a little shorter than me works too, and the eye color is, um, greenish? Green-hazel, I guess? And um… yeah."
He licked his lips and watched Kendall.
"Guy/girl? He/she? A tranny? James, you progressive pansexual, you." Kendall smirked, assuming James was being a dork, which was a fair assumption, he thought.
"Greenish," he noted. "Okay, so this is sounding doable. A tallish, green-eyed blonde."
He squinted at the list. "Aww, what, you want a girl!Kendall? Am I that irresistible?"
If only. If ONLY.
James flushed even more, and didn't know what to say, and Logan, who had joined Carlos a few minutes ago, sighed. James looked like he was about to die or burst into tears; so someone needed to save him.
He slid down Swirly and came out downstairs, grinning. "Yo, Kendall! Why don't you find me a new girl, huh?"
He flopped down on Kendall's lap and winked at James, then looked at Kendall. "Also, yes, you are irresistible and everyone wants a girl!Kendall. Right, Carlos?"
"Absolutely," agreed Carlos who had plopped himself on the other side of James. "I mean, I dream of a girl who's gangly and skinny with questionable hygiene, unruly hair, big feet and…"
"Hey, you know what they say about big feet," said Kendall, unperturbed. "Also, fuck you."
He studied the list and wrapped an arm around Logan. "James has me stumped, dude. Who looks like me?"
Carlos gaped, then groaned. Kendall had to be brain-damaged; there was no other explanation.
James looked at Carlos and shrugged, sighing softly. Kendall was unusually slow when it came to these things – but it was not necessarily a bad thing, to be honest. James wasn't ready to tell him yet – or ever – so it was good that Kendall was slow.
Kendall had never told either Logan or Carlos about James – it was his secret alone.
"Well," Logan said, pondering. "You could just throw on a dress and bat your lashes seductively, and you'd have a girl!you. I mean, why is it always me who has to wear heels and dresses, hmm?"
Kendall noticed nothing. Nothing.
Logan's suggestion made him laugh. "I could, right? But that would only work until James wanted to make out with me, and that would be awkward. Even if I brushed first."
He rested his head on Logan's shoulder. "You look great in heels and have maidenly curves," he said with a straight face. "Also, you could totally grow your hair, whereas I would look like a refugee from the Summer of Love."
He stayed leaning. "What kind of girl do you like, Logie? I seem to know nothing of the female preferences of my buds. This perturbs me."
He looked over at Carlos. "I don't even think I wanna know about you, Garcia. Besides, you're having a love affair with your corndogs."
James looked at Kendall. Making out with him would be awkward? Well, thank you.
He leaned back and rubbed the back of his neck, sighing. He couldn't wait to go back to work tomorrow and just escape everything for a while.
Logan eyed Kendall. "Ahh, is that it? Except I don't have any curves whatsoever, you dork. I'm completely straight; no hips or anything. As for my type of girl… well, Camille comes pretty close, actually. Often I think she might even be it for me, but then… there are other girls out there, you know? Don't wanna get attached too soon."
"Well, some guys like a streamlined figure," smirked Kendall. "And having no ass might work for you as a girl – aren't they always worried about their asses? But you and Camille are cute – you should go for it."
Kendall yawned into Logan's shoulder. "Getting attached… I don't know. Jo leaving just sucked and we were 'attached'. I don't want anyone else to leave me. So I'm just playing the field, except that the field is kind of empty."
Except in my mind, but we're not talking about that here, ever.
Logan nodded. "I guess." Then he glanced over at Carlos and petted his hair. "Carlos' preference is "girl". He doesn't care about the hair color or body type; she just has to be a girl and into corndogs, and he's happy. Right?"
He smiled.
Carlos rolled his eyes at Logan. "I just like girls, all kinds, true. They have to be nice, and they have to be… well, cute to me, and I'm flexible."
"You're easy."
"That too." Carlos beamed. "And there are so many girls, dudes! They're everywhere."
James wished he was still interested in girls – Carlos was right; they were everywhere. It would make his life a hell of a lot easier if he could still motivate himself to court one of them. But sadly, the only person he wanted to court was Tall, Blond and Eyebrows next to him here.
He sighed inwardly.
Logan was pondering Kendall's previous statement. "True, they are always worried about their asses. But they also complain when their asses are too flat. They complain about everything, don't they? Hmm. Are they ever happy?"
He ran his fingers through Kendall's hair, looking at him thoughtfully. "You know," he said slowly. "If you just opened your eyes and took a look around, you would see that the field is definitely not empty."
He winked at James as he rested his head on Kendall's shoulder. "There are people around who would love to get the Kendall… experience."
"The Kendall experience?"
The Kendall in question snorted. "The experience is more of a non-experience, which is why all my relationships last mere weeks, if that. Maybe I'm just a really sucky boyfriend – and this is depressing. I started out just trying to find James a girlfriend, not one for me. It's just me and my hand from here on out."
Carlos glanced over at Logan, then at James and then shook his head. "Seriously, there's a massive brain-drain going down in this apartment," he muttered, getting up for his own popsicle. Which was just a popsicle, to him.
"Seriously," Logan said in answer to Carlos and shook his head, then hopped off Kendall's lap and went to get a popsicle as well.
James just sat next to Kendall, nibbling his lip. He knew Kendall was an amazing boyfriend, and just wished he could prove it to him somehow.
He sighed softly and leaned back. When had life become so complicated?
The next day, they had to be in the studio in the morning, recording a new song, then had the afternoon off, which meant James could go to work. He found that he actually liked having something to himself that the others didn't have, and felt… well, needed. He always had something to do and was always greeted with a heartfelt "There you are!" the moment he arrived. Then a box was thrust into his hands and he was sent to do whatever.
Today was no different. All afternoon, he was unpacking and repacking clothes, folding them, cleaning up, helping customers… and he enjoyed it.
And in the evening, he was once again asked if he could close – he had by now figured out that Tabitha had a son she needed to pick up, and knowing what it was like to never have his mom around, James gladly took over for her in the evening, so that she could be where she was needed on time.
When the time came, he closed the shop, made sure the money was safe, the lights were turned off, and went into the storage room.
And looked at Kendall, the mannequin.
Tonight, he was completely alone, and the guys knew where he was, so he didn't have to worry about staying a little longer than usual. Still feeling completely ridiculous, James walked over to the mannequin and carried it over to the center of the room, looking at it. Him. It. Whatever.
"Kendall," he said softly. "I…" He trailed off and bit his lip. "I like you."
He took a deep breath. "I like you, Kendall. I'm in love with you, Kendall – why can't I just tell the real you this? And why can't you just get that?"
He threw his hands up and sighed, rubbing his face. "It's frustrating, honestly. I mean, last night, Logan, Carlos and I practically spelled it out for you, but you just don't get it, do you? It's like you're doing it on purpose – but I know you're not."
He looked at Kendall's face. "Am I just being too subtle? Do you need me to grab you and kiss you? Do you need… I don't know, sappy love letters with 'James loves Kendall' written all over them to fucking understand that I'm in love with you? Because I don't know how much more I can do to make you realize that you're the only one I want. I don't want you to find a girl for me – I just want you! Why can't I have you?"
He kept looking at the mannequin, expecting an answer, but of course none came. He pushed his hair back and sighed. "You're turning me into this pathetic little creep who talks to freaking dolls."
He glanced up. "No offence."
He rubbed the back of his neck and sat down. "You were so cute last night, though," he said softly. "Making a list, all organized, even though I know you're the least organized person ever."
He smiled to himself. "But it was cute. And before that, I had to leave the bedroom, you see, cause the way you moaned? I was imagining – or trying to – what you were doing to yourself in there, and I touched myself while thinking about you. I do that a lot, actually. Sometimes even when you're in the room. But last night was… fuck, those little whimpers and moans you make? Incredible. I mean it; they just turn me on so much."
In fact, just thinking about those little sounds Kendall made was turning him on again, and he stared down at his erection incredulously. "See? This is what you do to me."
He licked his lips and rubbed his cock through his pants… then paused for a moment, pushed himself up and moved over to the mannequin. He stared at it for a moment, then shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "I must be insane," he murmured, licking his lips.
"I… brought you something," he said softly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a tiny bottle of cologne. Then he sprayed some of it on the mannequin, and swallowed hard when he inhaled the scent of the cologne. It was Kendall's.
He licked his lips and decided to just stop thinking about everything, and focus on pretending his Kendall mannequin was the real thing. He grabbed it and pushed it against the nearest wall, pressing himself against it. He pressed his forehead against its shoulder and pressed his erection against the mannequin's hard crotch; he could easily pretend it was a real erection.
He started rubbing against it firmly, fisting Kendall's hair and breathing him in, imagining hot breath on his neck and hands touching him everywhere they could reach. He licked his lips and moaned softly, wrapping one arm around his neck, the other hand tangling in the plaid shirt. He kept his eyes closed and continued grinding against the mannequin, his moves getting a little more erratic as the pressure in his cock increased. It didn't take long before he came, throwing his head back and letting out a long gasp as he came into his pants, panting heavily when he let himself lean against Kendall.
But this wasn't Kendall, he told himself firmly when his brain started working again. This was a freaking mannequin that he'd just molested, and what kind of a sick pervert was he anyway?
He stepped back quickly and swallowed hard, feeling tears burning in his eyes.
What the hell was wrong with him?
He swallowed hard, then made sure everything was in order before he started walking home, trying to clear his head and not feel guilty about what he'd done. It felt like he'd somehow… betrayed Kendall.
Back at the apartment, he was relieved when he didn't run into the others, and made his way straight to his bathroom where he took a quick warm shower, and then went to bed without dinner, even though he was starving. He just wanted to forget about everything, and wake up the next morning not in love with Kendall.
He could hope, right?
Kendall had had a relatively late guitar lesson, and was even later coming home because he'd taken an unfamiliar side street, gotten lost, retraced his steps and finally made it back to the Palmwoods. Honestly, he needed a GPS implanted in his bellybutton – the thought made him snort.
He'd been a little distracted today, which he normally never was, at least not while 'working', but he definitely was off at his guitar lesson, and walking home, he tried to figure out why and what was bothering him.
He knew the conversation the night before had gotten to him; James' admission that he was lonely had hit a nerve for Kendall, who was lonely too. He wasn't even sure he'd really been 'in love' with Jo, but they had liked each other a lot, done things together, talked, cuddled, made out – and a little more than that, though not all the way. She wasn't that kind of girl, she'd said, and he'd respected that.
Besides, soon it would be oceans of fangirls, right? All for them, and if he wanted that, they'd be willing. Good, right? Except it wasn't, cause Kendall knew he had to love whoever he did that with. Or like them a whole lot, at least.
And the fact that all he wanted was James was troublesome, too.
That whole thing with finding James a girl had gotten weird, and it had pissed him off a little that James had given basically a description of girl!him, hadn't taken it seriously. Did he somehow know and was making fun of him? Whatever. Fine then, he could find his own bloody girlfriend.
The other two weren't around when he got home, and he didn't feel like talking to anyone anyway. He made a sandwich, drank some milk, then went upstairs; his and James' room was dark and the other bed had a James-shaped lump in it, so Kendall sighed and pulled off his clothes, getting into bed.
He lay there, on his back, pondering.
Then heard this amazing stomach gurgle from across the room.
Kendall got up again, and went back downstairs in his underwear – who cared? – and made a PB&J and grabbed a bottle of water, then took it upstairs and moved over to James' bed.
"Here, eat this before you starve to death."
James could smell the sandwich before Kendall was even in the room, and looked up at him, squinting. Then he saw the sandwich and reached for it.
"You made this for me?" he asked, sounding touched, because he was. Kendall had heard his stomach, gotten up and gone downstairs to make him a sandwich, just because he was hungry. How sweet was that?
He rolled his eyes at himself, then sat up and took a bite. "Thank you. Didn't feel like making myself anything when I got back, and no one was home, so…"
He trailed off and ate.
"Well, you weren't gonna sleep if you were that hungry, and if you somehow managed to do it anyway, I'd be listening to your belly all night. So yeah. All's quiet on the Western Front down there anyway. Dunno where they all are, but just as well. Not feeling social."
He looked down at James for a moment, swallowing hard in the darkness. "You're welcome."
Kendall went back over to his own bed and got back under his covers, wishing he hadn't left his mp3 player at work.
James nodded. "I know… and thank you. I'm not feeling social either."
He finished his sandwich, then was silent for a moment and bit his lip. "Why aren't you feeling social? Everything okay?"
"Then you get it," Kendall lay there and then sighed. "No, but it's no big deal. I'll get over it soon enough. Some days I just don't feel like talking about stuff, I guess; lots of stuff floating around in my head. You know how it is."
James eyed him. "There are days when you don't feel like talking? Since when?"
He gave him a smile, then rolled onto his side, looking at Kendall through the darkness. "In that case," he said softly, "I'll let you get some rest. Night, Kendall."
"Shockingly, yeah. Mark it on your calendar."
Kendall smiled back a little, and waved to James. "Okay. You sleep well, too. Night, James."
He listened to James fall asleep and was awake a longer time than usual, but finally, he was out too, dreaming deeply.
After that slightly weird night when Kendall didn't know what end was up, things returned to normal – well, as normal as life in 2J got, which was never very.
They went to the studio and sang well. They danced less well, but passably. They hung out at the pool. Logan continued to confuse both Camille and himself by not knowing what the hell he wanted. Carlos chased anything female in a skirt, shorts, jeans, bikinis or sarongs. Sometimes he even caught one of them. Kendall played his guitar, wrote songs and resisted Camille's efforts to 'hook him up,' even if he wasn't quite sure why.
And James worked; he was hardly ever home, and Kendall got used to having their room mostly to himself, to the point that when James wasaround, it felt weird. He was starting to wonder if James liked his co-workers at Abercrombie & Fitch better than him and the dorks – it seemed like that was the case.
Fine. Whatever. Diamond was making money, buying clothes, not bitching about his wardrobe, so fine if he was never around and didn't seem to give two fucks about what happened outside the studio. It wasn't like he and Diamond were close, or anything. Except Kendall had kind of thought they were; physical attraction (on Kendall's part, anyway) aside, he had thought they were friends, even best friends. But since James didn't seem to want any part of him, just sleeping or watching TV when he was home, then fuck it. Kendall had been wrong before, and this was just one more time.
He had to get over Diamond anyway, so maybe the other boy was doing him a favor.
James had been working for a month when Carlos decided they should visit him there one afternoon. He rounded up Logan, who was easy, and then nudged Kendall on the couch, where he was watching "The Animaniacs."
"Hey, you coming to check out James' work?"
Kendall didn't even look up. "Nope."
"And… why not?"
"Don't feel like it. You two go, become one with the beautiful people. Take off your shirts, mingle."
Logan had kept watching James when he was at home, and knew that his feelings for Kendall hadn't changed, and that his constant absence was probably a result of Kendall being as clueless as ever. And when Kendall said he didn't want to come, he eyed him and then flopped down on his lap. "Come ooon. You should come. It'll be fun."
He poked him.
"Ooof, Jesus, Log. How many corndogs have you put away lately?" Kendall shifted cause Logan was getting heavy, then sighed. "I shouldn't, and it won't be fun. Diamond doesn't bother to talk to me when he's home, let alone when he's off playing in some snotty store, and since he could give two fucks, I will not even give one. You guys go – he apparently still likes you."
He flipped channels, reaching around Logan. "He doesn't ignore you, not look at you, barely say goodnight to you. I don't know what in fuck I've done, but this shit is old. So go pet him and his abs and if you wanna be a sport, grab me a gyro on your way home. Unless of course, he takes you to dinner, in which case, just fuck me and I'll make tater tots and call it good."
Logan sighed. Heavily. And stared at Kendall incredulously. Then he exchanged a look with Carlos that said plainly, "HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT, DOES HE?"
Then he sighed again and poked Kendall's nose. "Okay, grumpy. Just think about the reasons why James might not be looking at you, all right? And don't only think of the negative reasons, because I'm pretty sure the actual reason is definitely not a negative one."
He smiled. "Okay?"
He smooched his nose. "We'll bring you food, do not worry."
He hopped off Kendall's lap and walked over to Carlos to leave. "Oh, and also? I'm not heavy."
Carlos shook his head; honestly, he didn't see how Kendall could be as blind as he was and still navigate through life. How could he not seeJames, see how the other boy looked at him, see how he watched him, or sighed over him?
Unreal. Maybe Knight was just terminally romantically impaired. Or an idiot.
"You are heavy, and don't poke me." Kendall poked Logan back, between the ribs, and then pretended he could breathe again when Logan stood up. "Nice smooch," he added. "At least you two boneheads still love me. Also? There is not even one reason why Diamond is suddenly all "I hate you" to me. Not one, and also? Also? He can piss off."
Kendall folded his arms and leaned back, and then yelled after them, "And extra sauce on the gyro!"
Then TweedleLogan and TweedleCarlos were gone, and it was just him again. Alone.
Kendall shut off the TV and went upstairs. So it was only 5 pm. Lots of people went to bed while the sun was still obnoxiously bright in the sky. Lots of people.
And James was still out there, just fine, happy, not caring – or, to be honest, knowing – that he was breaking his friend's heart.
Ugh, fuck this shit.
After his meltdown, James did spend more time at work than he had to. Being around Kendall got increasingly hard, especially since James kept hinting at the fact that he was madly in love with Kendall, and Kendall just didn't realize it. It was insanely frustrating and James didn't know what to do anymore.
So he worked his ass off, spent his time at work almost every afternoon and evening, except the ones when they had to be at the studio. Every night, he closed up the shop, and went into the storage room to "play" with «Kendoll", as he had lovingly named the mannequin. He still felt guilty and weird about it at first, but the more he did it, the less he worried about it. It was the only way he would ever get to be as close to Kendall as he wanted to be, so he just stopped thinking about it and enjoyed his time in the storage room.
James was just sorting and reorganising a few t-shirts by size and color when he heard the door of the store open. He glanced over his shoulder; his eyes widened and he smiled when he spotted Carlos and Logan… but no Kendall.
His face fell.
"Hey!" Logan said cheerfully, bouncing over to him and looking around. "Look at you being all professional and fancy. And you even have a name tag! Wow."
He grinned and James rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm being very professional and fancy… what are you guys doing here? I've never seen you wear A&F…"
Logan shrugged. "We can't afford it – but no, we just wanted to come and say hi; see you in action."
James nodded. "Oh, I see. And Kendall was busy, I guess?"
Carlos was eyeing Tabitha, who looked amused. "Hot boss," he said cheerfully, then shook his head. "No, he was watching TV, but he's under the distinct impression that you hate him now, so saw no point in coming with. He said you don't look at him, speak to him, and barely say goodnight, so the hell with it all and would we bring him a gyro. That was about the extent of it. Says he has no idea why you hate him, you just do, so if that's your thing, that's your thing. Logan tried to clue him in, but I'm honestly starting to suspect that he's brain dead. His basic body functions operate on a stem."
"I don't hate him," James sighed. "Why doesn't he get that? And I do talk to him. I just work a lot and I'm tired when I get home, and when he doesn't talk, then I just don't know what to say to him, except the obvious, and that's… not something I'm ready for just yet."
Logan sighed. "Well, get ready because we can't go on like this. And why are you at work all the time anyway?"
James shrugged. "Because then I don't have to be around him all the time?"
He glanced to the door leading towards the storage room, where Kendoll was waiting for him, and blushed a little. If his friends only knew…
Logan noticed the look and narrowed his eyes. "What now? Is that where you hide your secret lover?"
His eyes widened a little. "That's it, isn't it? That's why you come home so late – you've met someone!"
James didn't have any other explanation to give, so he shrugged and bit his lip. "Um… maybe."
"He doesn't get it cause he's clueless, lonely and having a midlife crisis at sixteen, is what." Carlos batted his lashes at Tabitha, who laughed at him and held up a piece of paper on which was written. "Too Cute but Too Young."
Carlos sighed. "Dammit." He waved at her anyway, then turned back to James. "So, wait, what? If you're dating someone here, then why can't you talk to Kendall? There shouldn't be any more, whatchacallit, sexual tension, right?"
James sighed. "It's not… It's complicated. I can't explain it right now, I just… it's complicated."
Logan eyed him. "You're odd, James."
James raised a brow. "Thanks, Logan."
Carlos furrowed his brow. "You met someone, like them enough to be away from home all the time, but it's complicated?"
He looked over at Logan, and had to agree. "You are odd. Very much so. Logan and I are the only normal ones in that place."
James sighed and dragged the boys over to the counter. "Tabitha – this is Logan and this is Carlos, guys – this is Tabitha. Say hello."
He smiled at Tabitha, who smiled back. "Ohh, are these your infamous roomies? Oh my God. Good things do come in small packages, don't they?"
"My package isn't small," Carlos shared, not at all indignant – girls wanted to cuddle him and he enjoyed that. "It's disproportionally huge, actually."
She cracked up. "I'm sure it is, baby. And hi Logan. You're the smart one, yes? So all we're missing is…"
Logan grinned. "He says I'm the smart one? Aww, that's sweet. But yes, I am. Hi!"
"Kendall," James sighed. "Kendall's missing. He's busy. But you'll meet him someday, I think. But you guys should go; I've got work to do and…"
Logan eyed him. "Do you want to get rid of us? Dude, Carlos, he's trying to get rid of us! He's hiding something."
James wanted to die.
"Kendall is busy being pissy, not busy, but whatever. James and Kendall," said Carlos, being chatty, "are having interpersonal communication issues. And therefore, the apartment is having interpersonal communication issues, and they both need to get that fixed. And yeah, do you want to get rid of us? Us?"
He leaned on Logan, both of them giving James a look, and Tabitha tried to not laugh. "I'm sure James isn't hiding anything except his mad pectorals. He's one of the best people I've ever had in this store, honestly, and I work him hard, keep him late cause I can rely on him."
She smiled at him. "If I had more like James I could get rid of at least a few deadbeats around here. I keep hoping more like him will walk in; sweet, works hard, smart, great with people, pretty to look at."
James blushed. "Oh my god, are you serious? Thank you, Tabitha, I… wow."
Logan laughed. "Really? At home, he plays the princess who's too pretty to do anything, like laundry or dishes or stuff."
"Hey, I do help!" James protested.
"You do," Logan admitted. "But not always. And you always act like you're afraid to break a nail. You need a lot of prodding to move your butt off the couch and help – admit it. But anyway, let's go, Carlos. James obviously has work to do, and we have to take food to the Mighty Kendall."
Tabitha grinned at Logan and Carlos, then shrugged and turned back to James. "Really. I would not lie to you. I really appreciate how you're willing to close so I go get my son on time; all the others are like "Ohhh, but I have plannnnnns," and it's just bullshit. So no, James, thank you."
James smiled. "I'm glad to do it, honestly. If I can help, then it's really not a big deal."
She patted his shoulder and went to ring someone at the counter up, and Carlos raised a brow. "Dude, you have someone fooled – she should see your lazy ass at home. But yeah, fine, we'll let you be, go get The Walking Brow some food – extra sauce – and head out."
He smiled. "Proud of you, dude. And when you get home? We will be talking about this someone you met and why you've said nothing about her. Just be ready."
James took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. I'll see you later."
He watched Logan and Carlos leave, then groaned inwardly.
FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK. What had he gotten himself into now? How was he supposed to explain this?
James stayed at the store, saying goodbye to Tabitha when she left, then went to the storage room as usual, sighing heavily. "I just got myself into a hugely awkward situation. I told them I'm seeing someone and how am I supposed to just lie to them? I can't tell them about youobviously, because that would just make them think I'm some sick weirdo, and maybe I am."
He sighed and wrapped his arms around Kendoll. "It's not like I can tell them the truth, you know? That I'm in love with Kendall and I'm seeing you because it's just too hard to be around the real Kendall."
He groaned and leaned against the mannequin.
After a few long minutes, he then decided to go home, without his nightly session. On his way back to the Palmwoods, he picked up some food, and finally went home.
Carlos and Logan had stopped for food as promised, then arrived back at the apartment, dumping Kendall's bag in his lap, along with a cold Diet Coke. He hadn't moved.
Carlos looked at Logan and shrugged, then sat down opposite Kendall. "Guess what?"
"James is Employee of the Millennium?" Kendall's voice was heavy, and Carlos shook his head. "No, but his boss thinks he's all that. But no. He's met someone, has a new girlfriend! Cool, huh?"
Kendall looked up from his bag and blinked. "Does he now? Well, good for him; if she works there, she's probably as pretty as he is, and they can make beautiful plastic babies together. What's she like?"
He folded his bag back over. Well then, good for Diamond. Nothing like being a guy who has it all – he wouldn't know anything about that, but still, yay.
Logan flopped down. "We haven't met her… him… it. He just mentioned something about seeing someone. I don't know."
"Do you think it's a him?" Kendall looked up again. "I've always seen him as totally het. And when I tried to get his specs on a girlfriend, he didn't say he didn't want one."
Carlos looked at Logan, then at Kendall. "Your hearing is going, too – he slipped twice and said boy. Do you never listen?"
Kendall blinked. "I totally never heard that."
He took a breath. "So whatever – girl, boy, whatever. He has someone, so good for him."
He looked over at Logan. "You have Camille. Carlos always has someone to go to the movies with, and now James has Mr. or Ms. America, so that's great."
"I don't know if it's a him, but… I'm pretty sure it is," Logan said, nodding. "And I don't have Camille. It's an on/off thing. And you could have anyone. Just saying. Now eat, honey, or your food will get cold."
"Keep telling me that, Log," said Kendall, looking down. "But it's fine, really. I have my music, you guys, my family – also you guys – so I can handle being alone. It's not the worst thing in the world."
He smiled at the 'honey' – honestly, Logan was a mother – and obediently ate.
That was when the door to the apartment opened and James came in, finding his friends gathered around the coffee table. He walked over to them and flopped down between Carlos and Kendall.
"Hi," he said, looking over at them. "What's up?"
He gave Kendall a little smile – God, he looked good tonight.
Kendall was still eating, looking up briefly when James came in and sat down, sans boy/girl/it-friend.
Carlos clapped his shoulder. "Food and casual convo, yo. That's about it. Came home alone? When're we gonna meet him? Or her? Which is it? And if it's a him, which is totally fine…"
He looked around and they all nodded, "Then how come you never told anyone?"
This was all for Kendall's benefit, since he and Logan had watched James' crush on Kendall grow from a little one to a great big huge motherfucking monster one.
Kendall wanted to know this too, and looked at James expectantly, giving him a little, tiny smile in return.
James took a breath. "I'm not actually seeing anyone," he admitted. "Not yet. I'm… there's someone I'm interested in, and have been for a while, and I just… I'm waiting for him to realize it."
He said all of this while looking at Kendall, then looked at Logan and Carlos briefly, knowing they knew who he was talking about. "And, um… yes. It's a him."
Done talking, James closed his mouth, and nodded to himself. Okay. So that had been pretty obvious – if Kendall didn't get it now, then… he probably never would.
Carlos blinked, then was like ohhhhhh, but hid it well. Mostly. Pretty well.
Kendall watched James as he said all this, but all he heard was 'him' and 'someone I'm interested in'.
"Well, uhm, good for you," Kendall said finally. "I'm sure he's just as gorgeous as you, and you two will be, well, pretty together. So cool. Guess we'll see you even less now, huh?"
He picked at his gyro. "As long as you show up at the studio on time."
Kendall finally got up, wrapped up his sandwich – he'd totally lost his appetite – and stuck it in the fridge, then came back to the couch and sat down. "Congratulations. I didn't know you were into guys, but hey, if you're happy, it's all good, right?"
He still didn't want to ask what he'd done to the other boy, still didn't want to talk about it because he was confused about a lot of things at the moment, including why this felt like a punch in the back. And leaving the situation would only generate more questions, so he stayed quiet and pretended to watch TV, picking at the sole coming loose from his sneaker.
James looked at him, and suddenly just looked really sad. Kendall would never get it. And Kendall didn't love him or want him. In fact, it felt like he kind of hated him right now. And James wasn't sure why.
"Kendall," he said softly, biting his lip. Then he sighed and shook his head, and ate a few fries, looking thoughtful, and kind of miserable.
Logan looked at him and bit his lip, then looked at Kendall. He just wanted to grab their heads, smoosh their faces together, and yell, "NOW KISS!" like the stickfigure in that picture he'd seen online.
"James," replied Kendall after a moment, glancing over at him; James looked upset and he could only assume it was the cool lip-service that he'd given James' news.
And then he felt bad.
"Look, dude, I'm happy for you – sorry if it seems otherwise. Guess I'm just jealous, you know? Everyone seems to be doing okay romantically and I just can't. I'm not doing too well in that department so I guess I am just, yeah, jealous. If you're happy or will be soon, then that's good. It really is."
"You're jealous?" James looked up; this could be good.
But then Kendall said that he was jealous because James had someone, not because someone had James, so he was jealous for the wrong reason.
"I'm never going to be happy," he suddenly said, a little louder than necessary. "I'm never going to be happy because I'm in love with an idiot; someone who doesn't seem to realize I even exist."
He rubbed his face and swallowed while Kendall blinked.
Okay, so that was loud, and a little too near his ear. "Dude, volume," Kendall muttered, then looked at him. "For fuck's sakes, James, no one can possibly know you don't exist. You pretty much make sure everyone knows who and what you are at any given time. If they don't know, they're a deaf-mute."
Kendall furrowed his brow, then. "How can you be… how can you not be happy? You like someone, you're gonna be famous – they say – you're gorgeous, you come from money… I mean, seriously. Kids dying in Uganda can be unhappy. Radiation victims can be unhappy, a fat guy finding that Sonic is out of mayo can be unhappy. Not you."
He shook his head and went back to worrying the sole of his shoe. Honestly, what a drama queen.
James looked up and stared at him. "Thank you," he said quietly. "Thank you. I expected something like that from someone who doesn't know me, but I never thought I'd hear you basically tell me I'm fucking shallow for being unhappy when I can't seem to fucking make the person I'm in love with love me back. Thank you, Kendall, really. That feels great."
He got up and grabbed his jacket. "I'm going… wherever. Away."
He swallowed hard, then left the apartment, and Logan resisted the urge to groan.
"I didn't mean that you were…" But James was gone, and Kendall rubbed his face. "You know what, I'm going to bed, maybe forever. Don't wake me anytime soon, 'cause I can't seem to do much of anything right."
He stood up. "Thanks for the food, dudes. I appreciate that."
Carlos looked over at Logan and shook his head, then shrugged. "Okay. We'll leave you alone, but Kendall? Think about what James said, what he has said for a while, and just… think. All right?"
Kendall looked at him and then rubbed his neck, going upstairs and looking at James' empty bed for a moment before getting into his own bed, pulling the covers up and burying his face in the pillow.
Kendall laid there in bed for a while, tossing and turning – he knew he'd really hurt James' feelings, and if he could find him, then maybe they could talk like they used to, be okay again. He had a feeling that would go a long way towards making him feel better, at least.
Maybe James too, he didn't know. At the very least, he could be a lot more of a sympathetic ear than he had been – be a friend, even if he would never, ever be anything else to James who now loved someone else. Someone not him.
He finally got up again, dressed, and went for a long walk. He felt like he walked a long, long way, although it was probably in circles, and finally wound up in front of the branch of A&F James worked at. He couldn't be there, of course, 'cause it was closed, but why was there a light in the back? A security light of some kind, or was he actually there?
Kendall went around to the back of the store, seeing a standard heavy iron door and stood there a moment, biting his lip. If he knocked, and James was in there, wouldn't he be the last person Jamie wanted to see?
Dammit.
He bit his lip, wondering what to do.