HUGH-JA$$ SPECIAL MONSTER FIGHT THING A GO-GO!
... Also, BOOM!
Greetings, nerds! If you have a serious case of blindness in your right eye or accidentally stumbled onto this terrible story somehow, my name's Deadpool! Right now, I've been given an assignment in none other than—drum roll, please—TOKYO, JAPAN! Why…? Well, what property formerly licensed by Marvel is going to have a new movie soon…? Legends of Oz, what…? There's gonna be an animated movie of—No, it's not Legends of Oz; IT'S GODZILLA! Why would you even guess that…? Let's… Let's just start the story…
We start off our harrowing tale with the dastardly Doctor Demonicus: an obscure villain in Marvel Comics' rogues gallery, who is definitely not related to and/or affiliated with Doctor Doom in any way, shape, or form. But regardless, being a super villain and all, he's currently in prison… not a very high-security one, though, because no one gives two shits about 'im. So, he's just stuck on Ryker's Island instead.
CUE CLICHÉ VILLAIN DIALOGUE:
"One day, I, DR. DEMONICUS, shall escape from this lowly prison and get revenge on all of those simpletons responsible for containing me here...! If I wasn't given a life-sentence, that is…" He sighs, like the pathetic loser he is. "Still though, it's nice to dream…"
He stares longingly out of the window in his cell… until he hears a commotion going on through the prison. Several AIM agents then break through the door, two of them grabbing him by the arms.
"What is the meaning of this?!"
"Don't worry, doc," said a third one, walking into the room, "Our boss just wants your help with a little project we're working on…!"
"Anything to get me out of jail, I guess."
"Now, that's the talk I like to hear…!" He snaps his finger, signaling the guards to let his arms go. He then takes out a mobile device, with a video feed of the big-headed freak himself: MODOK.
"Greetings, Doctor…" he rasped, "So, I hear you have a lot of experience with kaiju…"
So, now that I've got all of that boring set-up out of the way, it's time to get to what you've all been waiting for: ME! So, as usual, I was chilling out on my couch, when I suddenly got a call from some guy named Robert Takaguchi. Apparently, AIM opened up shop in Japan and [with Demonicus's help] were creating a device with the ability to control giant monsters; and given that this is Japan we're talking about, it won't take long for a successful field test, if you catch my drift. So, he offered me about one hundred million yen for the job… which I think is only about ten dollars here, but I was feeling awfully generous today… and free vacations are always nice too. Eventually [after I exhausted all of my porn], I finally arrived at the Japanese airport, where I was soon greeted by my piggybank—I mean, client.
"Greetings…!" said Mr. Takaguchi, running up to shake my hand, "You must be Deadpool!"
"Yup; in the constantly-regenerating fle—Oh wait, I already made that joke in the last chapter…"
Takaguchi laughs. "I was told that you would be a little… 'Eccentric'…!"
"Eccentric's my middle name…!" I proclaimed, showing off my greatness to the viewing public, "… Or is it Winston? I've never been all that great with continuity."
Robert nervously chuckled, moving me through the airport. "So, you'll do anything to get the job done…?"
"That's one of my delightful quirks, yes."
"Good…" We then slip into a limo; his face turning grim as he hands me an old photograph of Godzilla. "Recognize him…?"
"One of the most recognizable icons of the past 60 years…? Nope! Never heard of 'im."
"He used to be one of my friends…"
I stifled a hearty chuckle. "Really now…?"
He nods. "Yes… and he's also completely unstoppable. I had to drive him out to the sea years ago because he nearly killed the Avengers."
I look over at him in shock and awe. "EX-QUEEZE ME…?!"
"If AIM's little mind-control scheme works, the world will be doomed… I usually don't condone violence, but you must stop them by any means necessary."
I give a small salute. "Yes, Takagachi-san…! Now, if you excuse me…" I opened one of the doors and stepped out of the van, which was speeding along at about 45 MPH. LIKE A BOSS. I managed to catch a small glimpse of Robert saying something like: "That man is SO weird…" Apparently, he doesn't recognize true greatness.
Meanwhile, after healing all of my [totally necessary] self-inflicted wounds, I used Rob's coordinates to locate AIM's base of operations: a recently-opened electronics store; creative, I'll give them that. Being the expert assassin I am, I decided to wait until the dead of night to sneak in… So, I decided to stop at the book shop next door. Thankfully, the Japanese have an, um… interesting selection, so the wait wasn't too painful… Well… I wasn't bored, anyways… I should just stop talking now. ANYHOO, after several hours after… whatever the hell I just read, I hopped my cute little tush into a nearby tree, avoiding detection; spotting two emo-looking kids as they walk out.
*Translated from Japanese… you're welcome.*
{"Hey, Ichiro, I just got Titanfall for Xbox yesterday; wanna try it out?"}
{"Totally…! But what's an Xbox?"}
After that little bit of COMPLETELY NECESSARY social satire, I hop down, casually slicing—I mean, sneaking my way into the store.
"Now, if I were an evil organization led by a giant floating baby head, where would I hide…?"
I walk around, looking over at a door labeled 'Basement'.
"Hm… I have a feeling that this basement isn't REALLY a basement… just clarifying for the readers out there, because you NEED me to explain it for you; obviously."
After I pat myself on the back for that vicious acknowledgement of your intellect, I open the door, immediately coming face-to-face with a bunch of guys in hazmat suits… oh wait, those are AIM agents. Right… They look really stupid, now that I think of it.
"Uh… Hi!"
"YOU…" MODOK says, turning around to face me.
"… Is the letter after T, yes, now; can I just destroy your machine and get this over with or are things gonna have to get messy…?"
"KILL HIM!"
Grinning under my mask, I whip out my favorite guns. "Messy it is then…"
I shoot at swarms of AIM agents, causing a total bloodbath.
"DEMONICUS," MODOK yelled, "ACTIVATE THE MACHINE!"
"But, it's not rea-"
"I don't care; just DO IT!"
Demonicus winces as he pulls the switch to activate the big son of a bitch.
MODOK stares; like someone just killed his puppy or something. "Nothing's happening…"
"Just give it a secon-" Before he could finish, he was suddenly stomped on by a certain giant foot. We all look up, seeing the Big G himself.
"YES," MODOK exclaimed, "IT WORKED!"
In a form of what professionals like to call "Karma" (I just like to think of it as "Hilarious"), Godzilla thwacks the machine with his tail, instantly destroying it.
"Well…!" I said, activating the teleporter on my belt, "I think I'll just leave the rest of this to my big green friend up here…! Buh-Bye…!"
So, I teleported away in a red flash, leaving MODOK and his cronies to be torn all to hell by that inconsistently-sized/radioactive fire-breathing dinosaur. I heard that he went back to the Pacific Ocean soon after… and inadvertently killed hundreds of people due to his little walk through the city. Whoops. Regardless, I collected my reward (which I recently just found out was actually a lot more than ten dollars) and went back to my apartment, where I soon got another phone call:
"Um… I hear that HYDRA is resurrecting some sort of giant gray robot that can transform into a gun and—"
"Sigh… I'm on it."
"Why did you just say "Sigh" out loud…?"