Disclaimer: Really, what would you do if I said I owned Artemis Fowl? Considering I am not an Irish man, er, no, I do not own Fowl.
Chapter Two: Even More Mismatched Pairs
Artemis, Butler, Juliet, and Holly stole out into the hallway outside of Artemis' room. As they began to make their descent down the stairs, a scintillating shriek met their ears.
"Oh, Mr. Fowl, you naughty boy! Oh, whatever will I tell Miss Angeline!"
The foursome glanced at one another, and dashed into the Fowl parents' bedroom to find an absolute vision… and Artemis Fowl, Senior. The young woman beside him had long, beautiful red hair, dark lashes, and sparkling emerald eyes. Her ivory skin stretched across her shapely figure, underneath a satin green dress. Did I mention she was a PhD-certified rocket scientist? Who happened to be 5'7"? She smiled graciously at our heroes.
"Oh, you must be Timmy's son Artemis! And his little friends!" She liked to speak with exclamation points. "How charming to meet you!"
Juliet raised a shaking hand. "Is that—what I think it is?"
Artemis nodded, trying to control his fury. "Mary-Sue."
The beautiful woman frowned slightly. "My name is not Mary-Sue! It is Grainné Deidre Keira Knightly O'Flaherty-Dunshire! I am Miss Angeline's half-sister! But I have fallen in love with Timmy!"
All four screamed, turned around, and ran down the stairs.
"Thank God that's over," muttered Butler, polishing his Sig Sauer. That is, until they heard an even more terrifying sound down in the kitchen…
Angeline sauntered into the parlor, hand-in-hand with Grub Kelp.
"Aw, Angie, you're even nicer than Mommy!" chuckled Grub.
"EW!" the foursome shrieked.
"More exclamation points!" Holly added.
"Mm, that's my sweet little Grubbly-Wubbly," murmured Angeline as she planted a smacking kiss on Corporal Kelp's nose.
Even Butler shuddered as he shunted the other three out the door.
The group climbed into the Bentley and pulled out of Fowl Manor's driveway.
"So, Artemis, after you hack into Russia's nuclear mission program's bank account, we are going to barter off the C-Cube?" asked Holly.
Artemis sighed. "We do not have any other choices. I can sell the patent for approximately half the sum, and Russia won't notice six billion dollars disappearing." He chuckled. "After all, they didn't notice when Sputnik's design form introverted the atmospheric conditions and faced severe acid damage."
No one added to that, since they had no idea what Artemis was talking about.
The Bentley drove on a bit farther, until Butler noticed a large crowd directly outside the city of Dublin. "Master Artemis," said Butler. "We have a slight problem."
Artemis glanced from the remote-access computer screen and stared in shock. "Not more of them," he groaned.
"What's going on?" asked Holly.
She saw soon enough. A writhing crowd of females between the ages of twelve and twenty-two waved furiously at the Bentley, yelling random facts.
"Artemis Fowl! I won a Nobel Prize last month for building a pocket-sized particle accelerator!"
"Artemis. I earned my PhD in Cantonese when I was still in diapers!"
"Arty-poo! I earned a Nobel Prize in mathematics when I was still in utero! The doctors discovered me during an ultrasound, when I solved seven undiscovered Fibonacci sequences on the wall of my mother's womb!"
"That's insane," said Artemis dismissively, returning his attention to his computer. "There is no Nobel Prize in mathematics."
However, their troubles with Mary-Sues were not over yet. A couple of tall, blonde, beautiful, exotic, brilliant adolescent females flung themselves onto the roof of the Bentley.
"Run them over, run them over, RUN THEM OVER!" cried Juliet. She had begun to sweat in the presence of so many black-belt genii.
"Trying not to," growled Butler as he expertly maneuvered the vehicle through the streets of Dublin.
The car finally arrived in an empty alley outside a gay pub. Artemis and Company stepped out of the car and glanced around. No Mary-Sues in sight. Artemis sighed.
"Great. Well, I have the money deposited into a bank account on the corner of Seventh and O'Hara."
The four walked in silence towards the address, until Holly cleared her throat. "Eh, where is everybody?"
True, the streets were absolutely silent. And soon, the foursome would see what terror lurked in the quiet alleys of Dublin…
Ooh, cliffie time!