"Can you taste the salt?" Bella asked me, slowing her steps in the hard, moist sand near the water's edge.
It wasn't avoidable at the beach with the strong Pacific currents crashing against the shore. Under other circumstances, I could have made up some joke about the ancient Greek god, Poseidon, or Norwegian god, Thor, and how angry they were.
Had I been normal, a human that didn't know of the horrors that truly lurked about, I would have joked back. I was never destined to be normal.
"You won't be able to, you know that, right? The scent will be different, wrong. Unlike anything you've ever known." I spoke casually, using a tone reserved to remark about the weather.
"I'm looking forward to it. I like to learn new things, Jake, you know that." Turning her head, she smiled at me. I studied her features, memorizing the humanity.
She was beautiful; there had never been a time when I thought otherwise. The longing I felt for her wasn't the porcelain skinned, petit frame. It wasn't in the mahogany locks or soft voice. The longing was her aura.
It radiated from her eyes, a force of life I wanted to share with her and her alone. It was the simple concept of life that broke me, turning me into a pleading man.
"You'll have to. It won't be long before you forget everything else. And not because you want to, that's just how it goes. And you can't go back, Bells, the only thing left will be a void of nothingness. Everything will change, do you get that?"
"I do, Jake, I do get that. But this is what I want."
"What about twenty, thirty years from now, when you have to bury Charlie? Renee? You won't be able to say good-bye and you'll never see them again."
"Nobody sees their loved ones once they die, Jake. My decision won't change that."
"That's where you're wrong. The only thing that allows a person to get through the death of a family member or of a friend is knowing that you could see them again, in an afterlife."
"Charlie and Renee will see each other if that's the way it goes. And if they can see us here, they'll be happy, knowing that I'm happy. Why do you do this to me, Jake?"
Why does your happiness have to be this way? I wanted to scream, knowing but not understanding. My tongue was dead weight, unable to move or speak. I wanted to cry, plead with her for more time. I was man enough to beg for her to reconsider.
But I didn't.
"Jacob, I love you. If things had been different, if we had been different, I would have chosen you, my sun." she stopped to embrace me, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist. "I need him, Jacob. Please, please, let them do this."
My own arms encircled her, protecting her, providing for her the warmth she needed and robbing me of my own.
I had two choices: I could either allow this to happen and maybe, somehow, fix it. By some grace of god, an act of faith, I hoped I could change it.
If I said no, they would leave, taking Bella with them. One way or another, she would be gone, but I wanted every second I could have with her. Until the last beat of her heart, I wanted her to know that I had kept my promise. Until her dying breath.
I felt like a traitor as I gave in. "Okay, Bells."
It felt like a mockery of Faith.
Christmas loomed just around the corner and Bella experienced it as a human; enjoying the merriment and family contentment that accompanied such a holiday. The next day, she was to be changed.
Me, the big-bad werewolf was allowed to visit her that last Christmas Day, in the Cullen Mansion. As I walked to their house, I thought about how it would feel next year. Would I be able to enjoy it or even be able to think that the holiday had ever been a reason for celebration?
Happily, she sat on a white couch, smiling and blushing. She was surrounded by presents. And vampires. It didn't seem very festive to me.
"Jake," she cried out happily, noticing my presence. Cautiously, I walked into the room, focusing on the scent of the pine tree and Bella, while vainly attempting to ignore the stench of life-corruption that emitted from the other figures.
"Hey, Bells," I answered.
"Come, sit down." Patting the cushion next to her, she waited for me to accept. Her leech was seated on the other side of her, with a blank expression.
"Yeah, okay." Shoving my hands into my shorts pockets, I plopped down in an uncaring fashion.
"Love," the leech cooed, leaning over to speak directly in her ear. "I'll leave you here for some alone time while I check on the dinner. Will you be okay?"
"Of course, Edward, but you don't have to leave." Frowning slightly, she reached out to grab his hand. Willingly, he picked it up to bestow a kiss on it.
"I know, love. I think Jacob would like a few minutes of your undivided attention though. I'll just be in the other room, call if you need me." He left the room before Bella could even process that it was just the two of us.
The silence began to feel awkward as we sat there, staring at an over decorated Christmas tree. The tree, a twelve foot monstrosity, looked like it belonged in a catalog. It wasn't any type of tree that grew naturally here in Washington; the smell was unfamiliar. Each ornament was perfectly placed and spaced in between the strands of lights and garland. All of which were color-coordinated.
Unlike the five foot Spruce I had cut down for my dad. My tree at home was decorated with handmade ornaments my sisters and I had made throughout grade school. Before mom had passed away, we used to make our own garland by stringing popcorn.
"So…Bells. Did you get anything good for Christmas?" I finally asked, not wanting to think about families.
Bella slowly shook her head. "They spent more than they should have. I don't need half of the stuff Alice bought me. What about you? Did you get anything good?"
"My dad got me some new shoes. And Emily made everyone in the pack a basket of Christmas goodies."
"That sounds nice," Bella offered.
"Yeah…nice," I mimicked, suddenly realizing that while Emily's gift was very nice it no way compared to the type of things the Cullens could buy for each other. Or buy for Bella.
"I got you something too," she offered, jumping up to head over to the tree. After shuffling though the discarded paper, she came back with a nicely wrapped, shoe-box sized box.
"Aww, bells, you shouldn't have. I already told you, Billy bought me shoes and I don't think these will fit."
"Haha, Jake. I wouldn't even know what size of clodhopper you wear. Just open it."
This place, the decorations, were all too prim and perfect. Even the forgotten paper on the floor looked as if it had been opened with a surgeon's precision. I tore into my gift, shredding the paper in a flurry to see what was inside.
"I made it by myself. Well, not the book but I put all the pictures and stuff in it. Alice went crazy when I wouldn't let her help. She wanted to buy some fancy paper cutter thing but I wouldn't let her."
"Wow, Bells, this is great. Where did you get some of these pictures?"
"Emily. I didn't even know she had taken some of them at the bonfires and meetings. She said if I had been giving this to anyone else, she wouldn't have shared."
I knew exactly what she meant. Since I would be the recipient of the pictures, they would never fall into the hands of someone who didn't know about the supernatural. I flipped the pages slowly, appreciating the slightly crooked angles of the pictures and less than perfect handwriting Bella had used to make captions. It was a scrapbook constructed of flaws, trials, errors, life and laughter that when put together became its own perfection.
The book was our life and what it could've been.
To ask for a set amount of time, an hour, a day, minutes, anything to be able to say good-bye. To hug them one last time, telling that person you loved them. That it would be okay.
It never was.
I wanted to be with Bella while she became infected. Some part of me still clinging to the hope that I could be her hero. At the last possible second, just before the leech bit into her, she would cry out, saying she had changed her mind. I wanted to be able to swoop in and grab her; save her from the evil monster that would dare to harm her.
Reality clicked in. There was no way I could watch or hear it happen. The wolf in me would burst out to do its sole job: Protect.
Bella told me it would occur at ten a.m. and I agreed to come by later that day. Through a heated discussion with Edward, he relented and would allow me to stay for as long as I wished while Bella was turning.
I thought the first few hours were the hardest. Perfectly still and rigid, she laid on a table, not making a sound. Internally, I cried, watching a human, the girl of my dreams, my Bells, take her last breathes. The venom was like a cancer, engulfing her cells, overtaking the essence of life they held and leaving death. I could smell it.
I sat in a chair on the other side of the room, not knowing what exactly I was waiting for. Bella was leaving and with her, it felt like part of me was too. Several times I started to get up, to leave and be done with the girl who had broken my heart.
Unconditional love was my reason for staying.
When she started to moan and writhe in pain, Edward rushed to her side. He had poisoned her, with his venom. He knew how the transformation would work and yet, he still looked upset.
The first scream that left her mouth, rattled the house.
"Carlisle," Edward shouted unnecessarily, the other vampire entering the room before Edward could finish his words. Both huddled over Bella, holding her flailing limbs and speaking rapidly as she continued to scream.
"I can't give her anything, Edward. The venom will eat through it before any drugs can penetrate her system to become useful."
"Carlisle, listen to her heart! Count!"
I tried to count also but I couldn't hear where one beat ended and another began. Her heart was pounding like a bass vibration, continous but far from steady or normal.
"Edward, I can hear it. It's palpitating at over two hundred beats per minute. It isn't moving enough blood properly at that rate. Not only will the venom counteract any medications, neither will they be able to effectively circulate."
"The venom has been in over five hours. It has already circulated many times, you know this, Carlisle."
"Yes, I do. You also know that nothing will help her. The venom saturation is far from complete. We've all been there; the only thing we can do is wait."
Only a soulless being could listen to the screams coming from Bella. Her body continued to contort and twist on the table. Restraints were tied to her wrists, ankles and around the waist to help hold her still. Edward held her head in place, whispering nonsense about his love for her.
I almost wished that both of them could be gagged.
When Bella's screaming suddenly stopped, I thought it was over. Her body, while not relaxed, had stopped thrashing. Her heart stuttered once, twice then stopped.
Carlisle came back in while Edward began C.P.R. With a stethoscope, he listened to Bella's unmoving chest.
"Absent flow to the right coronary artery; full blockage, possible stress-induced clot," Carlisle rushed through.
"Damn it, Carlisle. She won't make it without her heart working on its own. If I continue to administer compressions, her chest will cave."
"What would you have me do? We've already discussed the ineffectiveness of medicinal treatment. I can attempt an emergency surgery but none of the medications will restart her heart."
"Prepare the heparin. Her heart hasn't completely stopped. If we can dissolve the clot her heart will resume contractions."
"Edward, it doesn't work like that. If she's clotting, any type of puncture through the cardiac membrane will result in another mass platelet formation. We can't-"
"We have nothing to lose, Carlisle. Just do it!"
I sat in my chair, unable to move except for the violent tremors coursing through my limbs. It wasn't a phase, it was grief. Another vamp entered the room. He took one look at me and came over to lean against the wall near my chair, explaining briefly what the doc and Edward were doing and later what had finally happened.
The heparin was ineffective. The venom, Edward's venom, ate at it before the clot could be broken. The irony was, the venom did nothing to the clot. An infection, designed to savor blood, had let its meal kill it.
Nobody can ever prepare for death, not the survivors or the dying. Age was just a number and had always been a sore-spot for her. Bella no longer had either.
I returned to the beach, a place where so much had occurred and never enough to make me feel hopeful. All I could think was, How many souls made it to becoming angels?
"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets her wings." Would my Bells get her wings? Was she already there, above and watching?
The ocean turned violently, reminding me that there were no angels here. Whatever I sought had no place in the angry torrent around me. I had no wings, nor fins, and the water mocked me.
The funeral was held –almost to the minute- three days after Bella's heart had stopped. I was the only one from the pack to attend with Billy at my side. If it had been some other girl in Forks I was grieving for, another female who had chosen to give up her existence to become a monster, he wouldn't have gone. He was here as an obligation for his friend, Charlie: to bury his best-friend's only child.
Charlie could barely move. With the aid of some fellow cops, they led him to a chair where he collapsed. He wasn't an outwardly emotional type of man but barriers like that fell when burying your only child who was just nineteen.
The day was cold, cloudy and drizzly; the only reason Bella's 'husband' and in-laws could be present. The women vamps wore veils, undoubtedly to hide the fact that they held no red-rimmed eyes or tears. They sat on the other side of the assembly, stoic and unmoving; Carlisle, Esme and Alice pretended to grieve.
Can you hear me, blood-sucker? I mentally shouted, my resolve not to cry nearly breaking. You have the rest of eternity to mourn over her grave; give me five minutes of alone time.
He didn't flinch or move as I played images of me and Bells over and over again. In her kitchen, the dawning in her eyes as she realized that first loves were a part of life and that moving on was natural. I leaned in to kiss her, to show her that not all monsters were to be feared and that us being together was the path to living.
Then the phone rang and I answered.
If you hadn't been so rash, she'd still be alive.
Minutes passed as the minister spoke the words of bereavement and the acceptance of death; of a happier, greater beyond that Bella was now in.
But he called her Isabella and his words felt off.
When he concluded his speech, I shouted at the leech again, asking for my time. He stood up, hissing something to his family and moving in a jerky fashion unknown to vampires. Walking over to the casket, which was still open and yet to be sealed, he pressed a kiss to her lips with a litany of "I'm sorry". Stepping up to the minister, he told the man he needed to leave; that his grief was too much.
He left and I never saw another Cullen.
I still sat, waiting for the few people present to walk up and say their final good-byes. Most were brief, tiny whispers of "such a shame". Two officers helped Charlie walk over as well, but I wasn't sure he was really there. For minutes he stood, staring down at the forever-inert form of Bella. Reaching out, he moved to touch her, but stopped. The ripples of realization tore through him; this was it. Never again would he see her.
Charlie broke down, wailing and screaming about his lost little girl. Like Bella had once done, he clutched tightly to himself, his arms wrapped around his stomach in an unavoidable and understandable grief. His friends escorted him away, concerned for the man's sanity. Those people who were left went to aid him. It wasn't a sign of disrespect; no one could help the dead and Charlie needed the comfort.
I had my opportunity and I took it.
Approaching the open casket, I tried once again to remember that either way, Bella would have been dead and at least she wasn't a monster. Her dress was ruffley and dark blue, a posthumous gift from the Cullens. It should have been shredded.
To spend the rest of eternity in an outfit she neither would have chosen nor been comfortable in. I stared at the fabric, seeing my Bells. She was wearing jeans, well worn and loose. Mud was splattered on the legs and we laughed, picking up the fallen bike I was teaching her to ride.
Hands shaking, I stared at the roses held tight-fisted in my hand. Through all of our conversations, I had never asked her what her favorite flower was. It seemed important now.
There were no red flowers; I had never been her lover. Instead softened tones of coral,
–One kiss, Bells. Just to know what you're missing.—
pink,
-I hate that I blush so easily, Jake. I wish I didn't.-
ivory,
- I've never meet anyone as pure as you, Bella.—
and yellow,
-You're like my sun, Jake.-
colored blooms. Would she remember? Did it matter? There weren't any more Valentine's Days for her. A candy heart that had meant so much was nothing more than dust. I wanted a part of me to be with her, forever, and without a second thought, I picked up her cold hand and placed the yellow rose underneath.
My hands continued to shake as I walked away. Two attendants came over to seal her prison and I wanted to scream. Each crank from the pulley system that lowered her into the ground, ripped into my soul.
I went back for more.
Staring down into the hole that would forever hold Bella, I tossed the flowers. One by one, the petals crumble as I dropped them on the lowered casket, listening to the soft rustling sound they made hitting the polished wood. Candy hearts in peril on a russet colored casket.
My first tear broke through and I was done for. I ran into the nearby forest, vision blurred and temperament rampant. Braches lashed at my face, slicing open skin that healed just as quickly as it tore. I couldn't stop crying, but I tried to hold away from the wolf. Boiling inside and around me, the nature of what I was, what I could become, tried to take over.
I ran, natural grace having left me as I stumbled and tripped. Deeper and deeper into nature, I tried to merge, to blend out everything. The beast inside of me threatened to erupt and carry me away.
Eventually I gave in.
Sam came to me some fourteen hours later as I huddled inside of my wolf, his emotions no more bestial than my own. Like earlier, I replayed every moment I had ever spent with Bella, Sam adding his own as well. Together we relived the life of a girl who would be missed, but not forgotten.
Two days had paced since the funeral and the world was still. Embry and Paul reported that the Cullens had vanished. They had the ability to run and hide from their pain and I was bitter.
Walking the same path I had with Bella just a couple of weeks ago, I struggled to understand. I was a protector, designed to save lives from the enemy. Instead, I had basically handed her over on a silver-platter.
The tears had stopped but the misery stayed. Out of tears for the lost love of my life, I wanted to feel. Her presence had meant so much, even if we hadn't been a couple. The memories continued, never wavering, never relenting and never giving me the solace I needed for closure.
I found myself at the top of the cliffs, staring into the black void of a sea. Once, a long time ago, before vampires, werewolves or even humans had existed, the sea was the only place that held any and all life. Emotions, pleasure and pain didn't exist. I needed that void.
It only took one person to remember a loved one, to carry on their name and memories. That hardly seemed fair. Would anyone remember me? For not quite a year, I had served my purpose to protect. My hope was that the ocean would serve to protect me in oblivion.
Clutching her book, I savored the feeling, knowing I would always remember Bella. I finally set it down on the cliff top, where someone would be able to find it later. I didn't need it now; not for where I was going.
Bella had told me about a vampire's inability to commit suicide and as a werewolf, it was somewhat similar for me. I was designed to heal quickly and efficiently, but there were always loop holes. My loop hole didn't require the assistance of an executioner; I just needed to deprive myself of air.
The sky exploded in color as the clock wound down, reminding me it was New Year's Eve just turned New Year's Day. All clocks had stopped and been reset; to start over for a world still looking for hope, peace and prayer.
I made for a reset and jumped.