"I'm here honey." His voice low and hurt says. "Doc? Newly?" The same voice asks more uncertain. Before the pain takes me I hear Festus asking for people to clear back and away.
Matt POV
Kitty drives me crazy. I love her so. She should understand and know that by now. Yes my job, the badge, gets in the way of traditional love and commitment but nevertheless, I love her and she's mine. She's always been mine. From the first time I saw her to the last time her anger and fear lashed out at me. My love for her never stops.
There have been people I have cared about over the years, Doc, Chester, Quint, Thad, Festus, Newly and even to an extent, Burke. Forget Burke, he drives me crazy. I wish I could drive my fist into to your face. You annoy me.
The other women who I've known and who I thought I loved don't hold a spark, a candle or a memory to Kitty. Cara, Dolly, Lee, and even the most hurtful, Mike can't take her place in my heart. Lee, the woman I came the closest to marrying and Mike, the woman who cared for me or Dan, the man I don't remember and whose ghost shames me. Mike, the woman Dan loved and Dan, the man who left Kitty. Mike is a soulful hurt that lasted only a month, but Kitty is the air that I breathed for 20 years. Sometimes in the dark of night when I am alone, my thoughts go to Mike and how I wronged her and I wonder what would have happened if she didn't say my name. Would we have continued or would my memory of my past life and Kitty returned? The guilt of that time never leaves me and when Kitty sees me looking in the distance, I know she sees me looking for that time. It was a time of peace that I have rarely known. It shames me.
Even though the thought of Mike shames, the many thoughts of Kitty make me smile and proud. I love her. More than the blood in my veins, it's my love for her that keeps me going. Her love pulses so strongly through me that sometimes all I can hear is her sweet voice saying "Oh, Matt." It keeps me alive and kills me. I think she knows she is my heart and how much I love her but lately I am not sure. Something is wrong; we are off. The ease of our communication through touch and eye contact is gone. When I try to look into her eyes, she turns away and shuts me off. I don't think there is someone else but she is shutting me out.
I never wanted to want or need anyone. But she challenged and won my resolve to be alone. I hate and love her for that.
I didn't realize how lonely I was until I saw her that first time. She and Doc think the first time I saw her was at the café but it wasn't. I saw her get off the stage. For as much as I teased Chester, I liked to watch the stages come and go too. I liked to see who was coming into Dodge and who was leaving. That day was rainy and cold, I remember leaning against a post across the street and watched the passengers disembark. The moment I noticed her, a fat raindrop marched down the back of my neck and I shivered. To this day, I am not sure if it was the cold wet raindrop or the beautiful woman who stepped off the stage that caused me to shiver. She didn't notice me but I certainly noticed her. She was a girl with red hair and an attitude. I could tell that from across the street that you didn't mess with her.
A cowboy tried getting friendly with her as she reached into the stage for a bag and he grabbed her around the waist. As I started across the street, she looked at him with an arched eyebrow and said something that made him quickly drop his hand and scurry away. Without knowing how often I would be the recipient of that look and words, I had sympathy for that poor cowboy.
She intrigued me from the beginning and God help me, she still does. She doesn't think I find her attractive anymore. Nothing is further than the truth and nothing I seem to say or do convinces her even though I spent many a night and morning trying. Yes, she is older but so I am. We both have scars physically and emotionally but her beauty only grows to me. Her wisdom and spirit seems to gain strength every year and although she only sees the lines I see the moments etched across her face. I love her face.
Sex with Kitty it's nothing like the physical release I have known with other women. With Kitty it's so much more. How do I describe the deliciousness of her lips and her touch? Even when she touches me innocently on the arm, it's enough for my pants to become tight and there have been a few times in our long years together that I have not been able to wait for her. Once I told her that after weeks on the trail of some outlaw and seeing her innocently on the street I had to hurriedly turn him over to Chester and take care of business. I know she liked that as she showed me later that night.
I wish it had been just sex but it wasn't because if it has been it would have been easier to leave her alone. But it wasn't. Something kept pulling us to each other, even though both of us at the beginning were not ready for a relationship. I think we would have been better off if one of us had been strong enough to stay away from the other. But she wasn't and God help me, I know I wasn't. Most days and nights I'm happy with my weakness. But the bad times have dimmed that resolve and I now regret that my love for her as I hurt her so many times.
The last few years have been hard. The things we've both endured tested our strength. Her strength was tested by Mike and my strength was pushed to its limits with what has happened to her because of her love for me. Bonner. Bonner, the man who nearly broke me. I wish I could say the pain of that time is over and that we both recovered and moved on but we haven't. To honest, I think she has, but I know I haven't been able to. God, I've tried to put that time out of my thoughts, but when I look at her now all I can see is her lying on Doc's table beaten and bruised and god help me, raped. I know that's not what she wants to me see. She would rather I remember her before that time and I think the fact that I can't has been driving us apart. It sends me on long assignments that I probably would have turned down before. Before Bonner. That is how I think of time now. Before and after Bonner. He has been gone for years but he haunts me every day since he brought her back. I can't forget.
Kitty is smart and perceptive. She knows my guilt and shame for Bonner, Mike and the countless other times I've hurt her by my silence when people called her a whore or when some woman who thought I was available and I said nothing to contradict them. Kitty doesn't hold these things against me. She has this remarkable ability to put things behind her and move on. She is so much more than I deserve. I don't deserve her but am so glad she got off that stage and into my life. I shutter to think of what I where I would be without her. Most likely dead.
I am unable to say to her or the world, what I hold most dear in my heart. Her. Her. Her. Kitty, Her name is a prayer I whisper to the cold wind. I wish I could shout my love, devotion and respect for her so all would hear and comprehend. The reason I say we don't owe each other explanations is that there is no explanation or rationale for how much I love you no matter who or what comes into our lives. I know I have hurt you for not claiming you as mine but you are mine. Mine and no one else's. One look in your eyes I know its true. You are mine and I am yours. You know that too.
Now after all we have been through, she has shut herself off from me and I don't know why. I ask, "Kitty, what it is? What have I done?"
Her short reply is always the same "Nothing Matt. I'm just thinking. You haven't done anything. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. Please just forget it. Come here, Cowboy. Let me love you." And I know its wrong, but I let her distract me. God that woman distracts me more than any other woman I have ever known.
Still I don't understand why she can't see I have to go, the injury to my arm puts the town, her and me at risk. I can't stay here and wait for them to come for me, for us. I gotta get out of here. I don't want to go. For god's sake, all I want is to stay. That's all I ever wanted. But I don't get the luxury of what I want. Even though I know its right to leave, my guilt and loss of leaving her hurts me. Kitty. I want to stay with you. I never want to leave. You don't know the depth of my pain when I leave you. You think it's easy but my soul breaks a little more each time I go. It's not easy and that's why I leave so quickly and with little words. I can't give in now. I have to go and be strong even though it appears that I don't need and want you. My heart breaks each time I leave Dodge and you.
I didn't tell anyone that I would be back early hoping to surprise Kitty. I missed her and was looking forward to her usual welcome but as I got near the Long Branch, even from outside, I heard the argument grow in intensity and braced myself as I opened the batwing doors. By then it was already too late. I saw her lying on the floor at the same time as I shot the man who shot her.
"Kitty honey." My voice joins Doc, Festus, Sam and Newly who call her by all her names.
Instead of Doc saying "Get him up to my office, careful…" it was "Careful, careful, get her up to my office". I can hear and feel his fear for her.
I sweep her up in my arms mindful of her wound and my heart and make the short distance to Doc's office in a minute, all the time hearing the chaos I leave behind. Festus and Sam are taking care of the dead man whose life and entity died in the Long Branch.
"Doc…" I stumble as I lay Kitty down on the table. Newly followed close behind me and began gathering the instruments I knew that would either save her or be witness to her death. Her blood was on my hands, my shirt, my pants, my boots, my face. There wasn't a spot on me not covered with Kitty's blood.
"Doc. Her blood is everywhere. Doc." I am shaking with fear with all of her blood on me. Even with Bonner I didn't have her blood on me, just the guilt of her being taken. Doc ignores me as he prepares Kitty for surgery. I am not even sure where the bullet went. There is just too much blood for me see where she was hit. I move to take a seat and look down and see her blood on the floor. God. Kitty.
Doc says "Festus take him out of out here." He doesn't look at me. He is afraid I will see his lack of hope that she will survive and the truth that if she didn't, none of us would.
"Matthew" Festus puts his hand on my arm to lead me away from the room. "Doc will take care of Miz Kitty, lets get you away from here. Lets get you cleaned up. Miz Kitty wouldn't like you sitting here like this." I allow myself to be led away like a child. I almost wish someone would shoot me so I don't have to know what happens next. I don't want to be here if she dies. If she lives she is better off without me. I can't win.