Hey guys, I know I said that this would just be a one shot but I got a lot of good feedback had a few ideas for an extra chapter. I meant to post this last week but got distracted by the premier which was DOPE. I'm not really sure how to label this chapter, but it is definitely a lot more angsty than the previous chapter. Enjoy this chapter, I'm pretty sure it'll be the last update to this story. Like I said, feel free to correct me on any mistakes I may make, and be sure to check out my other story DHS, which I am working to update.
Delphine gripped the steering wheel, trying not to focus on a fuming Cosima in the passenger's seat. She could see the woman in her periphery, her arms were crossed, her eyes were on fire; Delphine was surprised there wasn't a hole burned into the dashboard.
Part of the blonde was relieved that she was driving. With her eyes and hands focused on controlling the car, it gave her an excuse to not to talk to her very angry girlfriend. Another part of her felt immense shame at this relief. She loved Cosima, she hated that she was upset at her and she hated that she was looking for an excuse to not talk to her. A third part of her felt an even greater shame at the entire situation. Full, uninhibited emotional expression came hard for the blonde.
She'd never been very good at showing affection; it was one of the constants through all of her past relationships. It had been a strain on those too, but with Cosima, it was an even greater barrier because unlike her previous relationships, her lover depended on the cues Delphine gave. It wasn't like her and Cosima couldn't communicate effectively, the problem arose when there was no talking. Delphine had learned quickly that sign language was a very literal language. There wasn't a lot of room for metaphors and figures of speech, so a lot of the emotional aspects communication came from facial expressions and body language, and since Delphine's body language was naturally closed off, Cosima was left in the dark most of the time. Cosima had little use for aloofness, but it seems that that was all Delphine could offer, despite how hard she tried.
What frustrated Delphine to no end was that it seemed like she was the only person in Cosima's life facing that problem. Alison was always very keyed into how Cosima felt, and never had any trouble connecting with her friend. For a while, the blonde just thought that this was because Alison had known Cosima for years, and in time she herself would be good at letting Cosima know how she felt, but she'd introduced Cosima to her friend Felix about a month into their relationship, and the two had hit it off almost immediately. Within hours, they were joking and goofing around like old friends despite the communication barrier.
And compared to Cosima, everyone was stony. The brunette gave so much to everything she was a part of. Even without the use of her voice, she was still able to fill rooms with her enthusiasm. While Cosima had a tendency to project her feelings outward, Delphine always found herself internalizing her own. She understood that this plus her feeble grasp at sign language made it hard for Cosima to know what was in her mind. As expected, Cosima finally got fed up with Delphine's aloofness and blew up at her in a department store, angrily signing at her to just speak.
Delphine looked towards her girlfriend, her stomach turned when she saw the frustrated tears on her face, probably there because of her inability to communicate. The blonde felt so incredibly angry with herself that she let out a frustrated growl before she slammed her hand on the steering wheel and pulled onto the side of the road, putting the car in park. Cosima looked to Delphine, her eyes now more confused than hurt. Delphine grabbed Cosima's hands and clasped them in her own, bringing them to her forehead in a silent apology. She released the brunette's hands and looked at her, gathering her thoughts.
'I'm sorry, I don't know how to sign this; I have to speak." Delphine signed. Cosima just nodded. "I'm sorry I'm so bad at sign language, I'm sorry I can't express my feelings well in general. You are so good at letting me know how you feel and I am so bad at it, even without talking. You do not deserve how I treat you." Delphine said as slowly as she possibly could in her current emotional state, she was so upset that she was honestly surprised she wasn't speaking in French. Cosima nodded again, eyes flicking up to the blonde's eyes and then back to her lips. Delphine continued, "I wish I was half as expressive as you, but every time I want to say something, or show you how I feel, I fall short. I don't know what to do to fix it. I love you so much and it feels like a punch in the stomach every time I can't express that the way I want to." She said, speaking a little faster this time. Cosima reached for Delphine's hand,
"Delphine, stop. I understand." She said. Her voice was hoarse with disuse. The girl thought for a minute, "I know that you have trouble expressing these things, but I know that you feel them. I've gotten pretty good at reading people, despite how hard it is. Don't be too hard on yourself." Cosima paused again, obviously not used to speaking aloud. She gathered her thoughts, "What frustrates me is your hesitancy. I mean, English isn't even your first language and you're learning how to speak it with your hands, for God's sake. I know that it's hard for you, I'm not expecting perfection. All I want is for you to attempt. I love you, too, and I don't care how you express your emotions, as long as you try. If you're shy about that, we'll figure out a different way for you to let me know what's in your mind." Cosima finished. Delphine looked confused,
What do you mean? She signed. Cosima's words had calmed her down quite a bit and her hands had stopped shaking enough for her to sign. Cosima kept speaking, though,
"How about, every time you feel shy about showing affection, you make this sign. Cosima faced her palms towards her body, her fingers facing each other. She put up her first two fingers and her thumb on each hand, she brought them towards each other, putting her fingers down when her knuckles met, just leaving her thumbs up on each hand. Delphine mimicked the action, staring intently. "Now, you'll have a way of letting me know how you feel without having to be too open about it. Do you like that idea?" She asked. Delphine grinned and nodded. The two held hands for a few more minutes before Delphine pulled back onto the road.
It went like that, the two women using the sign to silently assure the other of their feelings. Delphine used it when they were in public and she was feeling reserved. She'd use it during gatherings, when they were around friends and family, when public displays of affection felt like too much. Cosima used it when she saw Delphine getting anxious and needed to be reassured that she was doing fine. The use of the sign evolved over time and became somewhat of a secret code between the two of them, the meaning was determined by a head movement, a turn of the eyebrows, a pursing of the lips. Are you okay? When Cosima seemed especially removed from a conversation. What's wrong?
When Delphine came home from work, looking stressed. Let's get out of here. Motioned from across Felix's loft on more than one occasion. Ultimately, the sign meant don't worry. It was used at family reunions and on car rides and on first days of school; whenever the other needed to be reeled back into the real world.
Of course, they argued about other things, but it was always normal couple stuff, like where to put a piece of furniture, when to leave for a flight or an appointment, what color to paint a room. And over time Delphine learned that when it came to showing emotions, she didn't have to be perfect, she just had to be present.