EXT. MARSH HOUSE – THE NEXT MORNING
Establishing shot. The sun rises in the east.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
At the top of the stairs, Stan, in his pajamas and carrying a box of corn flakes, checks the hallway then races to his room when he sees that it's clear.
INT. STAN'S BEDROOM
He closes the door, then steps over to his nightstand and pulls from the drawer a spray bottle of water. He sprays his clothes, face, and hair. He then pulls out a jar of vaseline and uses his finger to stuff gobs of it up his nose. Finally, he stuffs as many corn flakes in his mouth as possible, chews, then spits out the chum in his garbage can. He hides the box of corn flakes and crawls into bed.
SHARON (O.S.)
Stanley? Time to get up for school.
Stan fake moans in bed. Sharon opens the door, notices Stan in bed.
SHARON
Stan, honey? Are you all right?
STAN
I don't feel so good.
She walks over to the bed and feels Stan's forehead.
SHARON
You don't feel like you have a fever.
STAN
I threw up in the garbage. I don't think I can go to school.
SHARON
I'd better get the thermometer.
Sharon exits.
CUT TO:
INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM
Kyle, also faking, lies in bed. Sheila walks in with a thermometer.
SHEILA
Okay, booby, I have the thermometer. Let's take your temperature.
Kyle opens his mouth and she places it under his tongue. She grabs his garbage can.
SHEILA
Let me just take this out of here.
She takes it to the door where she finds Gerald in the hallway.
SHEILA
Can you clean this? Kyle threw up.
GERALD
Oh, that's disgusting.
SHEILA
It's vomit, Gerald, it's supposed to be disgusting.
As she does this, Kyle takes the thermometer and places it next to the lamp lightbulb to heat it up. He watches her and pulls it back just before she turns around. When he puts it back in his mouth, he burns himself and it's all he can do not to scream.
SHEILA
Okay, booby, let's see about that temperature.
She takes the thermometer from Kyle and reads it.
SHEILA
One hundred and four? Oh, my goodness, my poor little Kyle! We have to get you to the doctor right away.
KYLE
The doctor?
SHEILA
Gerald? Gerald?! Kyle has a hundred and four fever. Call the doctor. We need to take him right away. And then call the school and tell them Kyle won't be in today.
She gets some clothes for him.
KYLE
Mom, ya know, I think it's probably just a cold. I'm sure if I just rest, I'll feel-
SHEILA
Oh, no, it could be the flu, or worse. You were at that hospital, visiting your friend. You could have MRSA! We need to get you to the doctor right away.
INT. WAITING ROOM - SOUTH PARK PEDIATRICS
The office is jam-packed with Garrison's students and their frantic parents. It's standing room only. Liane Cartman drags Eric through the crowd up to the front desk, where the Nurse is clearly overwhelmed.
NURSE
If you could just sign the paper to check in, and have a seat, the doctor-
LIANE
Please, my little poopykins has a terrible fever, and he threw up.
NURSE
Does he attend South Park Elementary?
LIANE
Yes.
NURSE
Okay, ma'am, if you could please just sign the paper, and the doctor will see him as soon as possible.
The nurse closes the window for some separation from the mob of concerned parents. She leaves the front desk to go to...
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – SOUTH PARK PEDIATRICS
The doctor's office is a mess. He looks overwhelmed. His hair is a mess and his clothes are unkempt. He studies some test results.
PEDIATRICIAN
Nothing.
The Nurse enters.
NURSE
Doctor, another three boys were just brought in by their parents, all with the same symptoms; fever, vomiting, night sweats. They're all from South Park Elementary, too.
PEDIATRICIAN
I just don't understand it. I've examined three boys already and I can't find anything wrong with them. Their parents say they had high fevers, but now they don't. No swelling in their throats. No sensitivity to stomach palpation. All their vitals are strong. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were faking. But there's so many of them complaining of the same symptoms. It must be something we've never seen before. Some new kind of super-virus, perhaps.
INT. WAITING ROOM
Liane takes Eric to the back, where Sharon and Sheila sit with Stan and Kyle respectively.
STAN
(to Cartman)
Dude, you were right, it totally worked.
CARTMAN
It's the corn flake vomit that really sells it. I've been faking sick days since preschool.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
NURSE
What are we going to do, doctor?
PEDIATRICIAN
It's clear we have an epidemic on our hands. We're not equipped to deal with that here. Call the hospital and make arrangements to have them all admitted at once. And have them get a HAZMAT team down to the school. If this outbreak started there, we need to quarantine the entire building.
INT. CLASSROOM
Mr. Garrison enters and heads straight for his desk.
GARRISON
Okay, everyone, quiet down, please. Let's everyone take our seats.
Garrison turns around and is shocked to find that the only child to make it in to class today is Regis, with his seeing hell-hound Darth. All of the other desks are empty.
GARRISON
What the hell? Where is everybody?
Garrison hears a siren. He looks out the window.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
HAZMAT and police vehicles surround the school. Military helicopters lower a plastic bio-cage over the building.
HAZMAT LEADER
All right, I want a fifty foot perimeter, minimum. Nobody moves in or out of the school. Containment is the objective. We're going to have a lot of concerned parents on our hands. We need to keep them back.
The intercom makes a noise.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (V.O.)
Attention, everyone. The school has been placed under quarantine by order of the Governor.
GARRISON
Quarantine?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (V.O.)
Teachers are instructed to please escort your students to the auditorium for an assembly and further instructions.
GARRISON
Okay, class, you heard the-
Garrison turns around and sees Regis being completely mauled to death by his seeing eye dog, Darth.
GARRISON
Jesus Christ!
Darth rips Regis's head off. Blood gushes from the boy's neck. The dog then turns its attention on Garrison, who hauls ass out of the classroom.
INT. HALLWAY – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
There's mass panic as other teachers do their best to herd the students that did come in today into the auditorium. Garrison runs out of his classroom screaming.
GARRISON
Help, it's loose. It's like a god damn bear! It killed Regis and now it's coming after me. Help!
Two of the other teachers look at each other in disbelief.
OLD TEACHER
A bear loose in his classroom?
Darth explodes out of the classroom and into the hallway, knocking the old teacher over. It hauls ass after Garrison.
TELEVISION REPORT – CNNN NEWS TITLE CARD
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This is a CNNNN Breaking News Story.
Anderson Cooper reports from the news desk. A picture of South Park Elementary with the word "Quarantined" stamped over it appears above his right shoulder.
ANDERSON COOPER
Good morning, everyone. Terrifying news today of a story that is frankly hard to believe, as we receive word of some sort of outbreak at an elementary school in South Park, a small town in Colorado. We go live to the scene where CNNNNNNN news is the first to have a reporter on site.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
With the quarantined school in the background, we hear rapidly approaching footsteps. Anderson Cooper himself runs on screen.
ANDERSON COOPER
(out of breath)
Thank you, Anderson. Anderson Cooper, here, live outside South Park Elementary, where federal and local officials have setup a quarantine. Now, we don't actually know what the quarantine is for, but I spoke to local authorities and they told me to quote "go fuck yourself" unquote. That is a direct quote. So, we can only assume that everyone inside the building is dead.
Anderson touches his earpiece.
ANDERSON COOPER
Okay, this just in. Even more breaking news. CNNNNNNNNNN has exclusively learned that several children, possibly as many as two hundred, we have no idea, so we're just reporting it, have been taken to a local hospital. Do we have someone? Yes, we have someone there now.
EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL
A smattering of ambulances, police and HAZMAT vehicles are parked outside of the hospital. We again hear approaching footsteps. Anderson Cooper runs on screen.
ANDERSON COOPER
(gasping for air)
Thank you... Anderson. Anderson Cooper, here, live outside Hell's Pass Hospital in small town South Park, Colorado, where as many as nine thousand elementary school students have possibly been brought to the hospital, we just don't know. We've received absolutely no word from anyone about what's going on, but we are ready to release a photo of someone we believe to be involved in the initial outbreak of some sort of disease or possibly a fire. We just don't know.
A picture flashes on the screen of Kenny's brother, Kevin McCormick.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Half of Mr. Garrison's 4th grade class, including Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Butters, stare out the window at the HAZMAT and news trucks that keep pulling up. The students all wear hospital gowns.
STAN
Guys, I'm starting to think we maybe overplayed our hand a little on this one.
BUTTERS
Is that Anderson Cooper? Oh, I love Anderson Cooper. Hi, Anderson!
Butters waves.
CLYDE (O.S.)
Hey, it's our school.
KYLE
What?
The boys turn around and look at the television. On the television, they keep showing the same three angles of the school from a helicopter camera.
KYLE
That is our school.
Cartman's in bed, eating jell-o with the remote control in his hands. He clicks through to different channels, but they all show the same thing.
CARTMAN
Yeah, but they just keep showing the same three shots over and over. It's really boring. Dammit, Price is Right should be on.
KYLE
Boring? Don't you see what you've done? You taught us all how to fake being sick and now they think South Park's been hit by some sort of plague.
CARTMAN
Some of my best work, if I do say so myself.
STAN
Best work? It's a national news story. They sent Anderson Cooper, for Christ's sake. When they find out we're all faking...
CARTMAN
Find out? And who the hell's gonna tell them?
WENDY
We don't have to tell them. They're going to examine us.
CARTMAN
So what? Let them examine me. I've been faking being sick since preschool. I've gotten out of school, assemblies, soccer practice. I've fooled my mom, the school nurse, the pediatrician. Now, they want to throw a specialist at me? Fine. I've been working toward this my whole life. I will shit my pants. I will stick my finger down my throat and throw up all over myself. This is the big time, now, boys and girls. They want to see sick? I will show them sick.
KYLE
How does that help us?
CARTMAN
Help you?
KYLE
Yeah.
CARTMAN
I don't follow.
KYLE
Ugh.
BUTTERS
(cries)
Oh, I don't wanna go to jaaaaaail.
STAN
We're not going to jail, Butters. Just calm down. Just relax. Just let me think. There's gotta be a way out of this.
Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.
The doors to the room burst open. The three blind doctors enter.
DR. MOUSE 1
Children? Children, are you in here? We can't see.
STAN
Uh, yeah.
DR. MOUSE 2
Good. We're the specialists. I'm Dr. Mouse. This is my colleague, Dr. Mouse, and this is my other colleague, Dr. Mouse.
KYLE
We know who you are.
DR. MOUSE 3
Then we can dispense with the pleasantries. I hate pleasantries.
The three blind doctors cross the room, smacking every child they can reach with their walking sticks.
DR. MOUSE 1
Which one of you is Eric Cartman?
Cartman, like a hero, puts aside his jell-o and sits up in bed.
CARTMAN
I... am Eric Cartman.
DR. MOUSE 2
We need to examine you. Please get on the bed.
Cartman blinks twice.
CARTMAN
I'm already in the bed.
DR. MOUSE 3
I see. Now, we're going to examine you.
They put their hands all over Cartman. The other children watch, nervous.
CARTMAN
Heh, that tickles.
DR. MOUSE 2
Hm. I see.
DR. MOUSE 1
Yes, I can't seem to find anything wrong with him.
DR. MOUSE 3
I see that.
Sensing the time is right, Cartman pulls down his pants and shits all over Dr. Mouse 1. The three blind doctors stop touching him. Eric's classmates look on in horror.
Dr. Mouse 1 tastes some of the shit. Dr. Mouse 2 and Dr. Mouse 3 also lick some of the poop.
KYLE
Dude.
BUTTERS
Aw, that's icky.
Wendy vomits.
DR. MOUSE 1
I see.
DR. MOUSE 2
Yes, I see.
DR. MOUSE 3
I see, too.
DR. MOUSE 1
Clearly, this child has a mutated strain of the flu virus. A tough regiment of antibiotics and bed rest, with round the clock IV fluids, should do the trick.
DR. MOUSE 2
Yes, definitely.
DR. MOUSE 3
You're all going to be better very soon. You'll see!
The three blind doctors congratulate each other and then walk out, but not before smacking more of the children with their walking sticks.
Satisfied, Cartman rolls his pants back up and goes back to eating his jell-o.
CARTMAN
And that, class, is how it's done. You assholes really should be taking notes on this stuff.
The class looks on in horror.
INT. AUDITORIUM – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
The auditorium is in an uproar. The students are panicked. The teachers are panicked. Off to the side, Principal Victoria is on the phone. Mr. Mackey and blind Mr. Patton are with her.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
(into phone)
Okay, okay, Governor. I understand. Thank you.
She hangs up.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Okay, that was the governor. Apparently, the doctors have figured out that it's just a particularly virulent strain of the flu. The school is going to remain under quarantine until they can get us a supply of flu shots. I'll need to get in contact with as many students' parents as I can to obtain consent to administer the shots. That's going to take quite a bit of time. Mr. Mackey, I'll need your help with that.
MACKEY
Mmkay.
Mr. Garrison runs in like a maniac.
GARRISON
(out of breath)
Principal Victoria! Principal Victoria!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
It's okay, Mr. Garrison. They've figured out that it's just the flu. Everyone's going to be fine. Just go be with your class.
GARRISON
You don't understand. That blind kid... he...
PATTON
That blind kid?
Mr. Patton swings his walking stick and slaps Garrison in the leg.
GARRISON
Ow!
PATTON
Are you calling blind people retards?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Here we go...
GARRISON
What?
PATTON
Yeah, I see, metaphorically speaking. He's blind.
MACKEY
Actually, literally speaking. He's literally blind, mmkay?
PATTON
Oh, that's rich. I suppose when he talks about the rest of his class being out sick, he calls them "the Jew" and "the fat fuck" and "the retard, cripple, mutant fetus, piece of shit".
GARRISON
Will you shut your fucking mouth for one god damn minute?! We have a problem. Regis is dead. His dog killed him and now it's loose in the building.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, my god.
PATTON
That's not possible.
GARRISON
Don't tell me it's not possible, I saw it with my own eyes.
PATTON
Seeing eye dogs are trained from birth to be non-violent. They're incapable of attacking humans, especially the ones they're meant to serve. The eyes can be fooled. Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?
GARRISON
God dammit, yes!
Darth explodes through one of the walls of the auditorium and immediately starts eating children and teachers alike. Terrified screams erupt. Patton flails around with his walking stick.
PATTON
What? What's going on? I can't see! I can't see!
To be Concluded... (seriously, though, fuck Anderson Cooper)